#oneaday Day 593: X Marks the Spot

I watched The X-Factor tonight and for once didn’t immediately want to rip my eyeballs out and fling them at the TV. I’m not entirely sure of the precise reasons for this, as the tried and tested formula for the show — including the overuse of Carmina Burrana — is present and correct. But I think it can almost entirely be attributed to Simon Cowell.

For many people, Simon Cowell was The X-Factor. His cynical, rude, petty observations masquerading as “feedback” were the main reason many people watched the show. His boorishness and arrogance was perversely appealing; he became an anti-hero, a person people loved to hate.

But now he’s no more; the panel is now made up of Louis Walsh (wishy washy as ever); Tulisa from N-Dubz (arguably the only one from that particular outfit to have any vague talent and even if she doesn’t is at least semi-hot); Kelly Rowland (American); and Gary Barlow. It’s a lineup made up almost entirely of recording artists rather than record execs, and that gives it a different feeling altogether. While it’s easy to be cynical about the pop fluff that Tulisa, Rowland and Barlow have ejaculated from their vocal cords, they’ve experienced the business firsthand and are musicians — or at least performers. The feedback they’ll be able to offer the prospective stars, then, will be of a different type to that from record execs who always have one eye on the bottom line. Possibly, anyway.

The audition phase — which now inexplicably takes place in front of a massive audience — also seems to have been toned down somewhat, even if its presentation is somewhat more bombastic. By that I mean there’s less focus on the “wacky” failures and a little more in the way of people with actual talent. Sure, part of the appeal of the auditions phase is to see people make a tit of themselves, but that whole shtick — much like Cowell’s “Mr Nasty” approach — has been getting old for some time, so this slight shift in formula makes the programme feel pleasingly fresh. If it’s enough to make me stomach a whole episode without wanting to inflict bodily injuries on myself and everyone around me, they’re doing something right.

I can’t say for sure if the changes are enough to make me want to sit and watch the whole series — particularly the interminable series of live shows which seem to go on forever towards the end of each run — but I’m certainly a lot more willing to give this televisual candyfloss the time of day than I ever have before. I might feel differently as soon as the usual “audience booing anything they believe to be ‘unfair’ negative feedback even when it’s perfectly correct” nonsense starts again; but for now, it’s vaguely enjoyable, inoffensive fluff. And that, certainly, is a considerable degree of progress over what I’ve thought of the series in the past.

#oneaday, Day 26: On Culture, and Farting on Things

The other night, I posted a question on Formspring. I thought I sent it to just a couple of friends but apparently somehow shared it with the entire Internet, as a lot of people, some of whom I hadn’t come across on Formspring before, appeared to be very enthusiastic to answer it. I was somewhat surprised at the amount of depth people were putting into their answers, because it was, after all, a somewhat flippant question that I wasn’t expecting people to take seriously at all. How wrong I was.

This was the question:

Out of The X-Factor/American Idol and equivalents; Jersey Shore; the music of Girls Aloud; the Call of Duty series; and cakefarts (don’t look it up, it’s exactly what it sounds like), which has had the most beneficial impact on society, however small?

My thinking behind it was this: here is a list of arbitrarily-chosen things that are all either irritating, disgusting, amusing or awesome depending on your outlook. Is there one that people see as significantly “better” than the others?

Turns out not, actually. Everyone had some good points to make.

@Ajguy had a short but sweet answer:

Cakefarts by far. Yes, I am familiar. And yes I’ve gotten a lot of friends with it.

It’s probably important to choose who you’re going to show Cakefarts to carefully, because after all, it is exactly what it sounds like. But it’s the sort of thing you can show to people and they certainly won’t forget it in a hurry. (If you’re not familiar, seriously, don’t look it up, especially if you’re at work; the clue’s in the name) If you are acquaintances with people who don’t “get” the Internet, you’ll be an Instant Legend.

@Cidergirli agreed with AJ, but for different reasons:

I’m going to have to go with cakefarts, purely because it’s the only one which appears to be open and honest about its use of cake. Also: cake.

@MJPilon had a thoughtful take on the issue and came out in favour of American Idol/X-Factor:

The answer I have off the top of my head is American Idol and equivalents because despite all the craziness that has sprung up around these shows, at their heart, these shows demonstrate that people should not give up on their dreams and that if they work for it, they can achieve what they desire. Anything which can still evoke these feelings and notions in people are beneficial for society.

He was concerned immediately after that he may have missed the point of the question, but I think that’s a decent answer; though personally I feel that “ambition” shouldn’t require a TV show to inspire people to reach for the stars.

@C64Glen came out in favour of Girls Aloud, though not for the reasons you might expect. Or possibly the reasons you might expect, given his username. I wasn’t familiar with the factoid he shared, though. TIL.

Girls Aloud easily, some of the tracks and production on the ‘Out of Control’ album is great. Some of it by former C64 musician Matt Gray. E.g. Untouchable (instrumental)

@Shinogu showed where his priorities lie with his response:

Jersey Shore? They were the only people of that selection at the LittleBigPlanet 2 World Record event.

@Cilllah, ably aided by @Culley25, got straight to the point of the matter:

All of them prove one very important fact – mental illness makes money.

Fair point. @Bungiesgirl then came up with an image that you will either find delicious or nightmarish depending on your opinion of two of the things mentioned in the original question:

Surely it is a combination of Girls Aloud and Cakefarts?! Girls aloud because they have a hot(ish) redhead, cakefarts just for the LOL! preferably these two things should be brought together into one super site of Girls Cakefarts Aloud.

I like the redhead in Girls Aloud. Nicola. She has a name. Nicola. I like Nicola. I understand she’s not the most popular option. That’s just fine by me.

Sorry, where was I? Oh, right. @minifig came up with some fair points in favour of Girls Aloud and Call of Duty, with a disclaimer:

Call of Duty probably wins it, since the development of the game has at least pushed a few technological boundaries a little way, and probably just enough to outweigh the huge timesink it is for the people that play it. However, I think Girls Aloud probably come second since:
1. They have a couple of songs that aren’t too offensive and
2. The amount of masturbation they’ve induced may well have had an impact to reduce the fertility of large numbers of men, thereby reducing the world’s already excessively large population.

Not that I like either CoD or Girls Aloud.

It was around this point that the answers started to gradually increase in length, depth and intensity of feeling. Here’s @docbadwrench:

Thankfully, I only know what a few of those things are. However, I think I get the general point.

Based upon the available data, I would have to conclude that Call of Duty has the most beneficial (though incredibly small) impact upon society. It encourages aiming, which is highly important if you use a gun.

In fact, if all fans of the aforementioned list could improve their aim, then they might kill one another; this could be another net gain for society. Perhaps, if we could plant subliminal messages into Call of Duty games encouraging people to buy guns. Then, extending the message further, perhaps their American Idol viewing parties would include handguns, just lying around on the table, in case there’s a conflict about whether the latest off-key primadonna is the bestest of them all.

Definitely Call of Duty.

“allpointsnorth”, whom I’m not sure I know on Twitter (apologies if I do) had this to say:

I suppose the knee jerk and natural response is that none of those programmes have any beneficial impact, but that would be a touch lazy and, not really fair.

Like most things it depends upon how you measure it. If we take beneficial to mean that more people enjoyed it so it must be more beneficial then I suppose I’d have to say Call of duty? 55 million sold worldwide. I guess Call of Duty would also fall into the ‘brought economic rewards to many’ view of beneficial too, though I’m sure that Jersey Shore brings in the cash too as will Girls Aloud.

However, I’m not really a big fan of measuring society against some sort of scale. I don’t think it really works like that. To break society down in such binary ways is tempting as it allows us to explain and comprehend the world around us so much more simply. However, society isn’t simple and what benefits one, no doubt, harms another. Even if that harm falls into a socially acceptable form of harm that we ignore.

Of the things here I’d say that Girls Aloud benefited me most as I’ve enjoyed a selection of their poptastic hits and the videos to go with them more than Jersey Shore, Call of Duty or Cakefarts – none of which I have seen. So, clearly, the music of Girls Aloud is the winner here and has done the most to benefit society at large.

Interesting point. What is “beneficial” to society? Is it something that brings economic rewards? Something that benefits art and culture? Something that makes people happy?

@planetf1 had a simple but accurate answer to my question:

I’d go for xfactor/idol simple as it’s given a lot of people pleasure, helped many with a career/breaking into the music industry, has stimulated discussion & allowed many people to share a common experience.

Discussion there certainly is; like it or hate it, during any high-profile “reality” show on TV, Twitter will be abuzz with discussion about the show in question, whether it’s in-depth debates about which floppy-haired twat is the “best” or people ranting and raving how much they don’t care about whatever programme it is.

Two more, then we’re done. @MituK had this wonderfully analytical, scientific approach to share on the subject:

Ooh, interesting. Well, let’s assume that ‘beneficial impact’ can go into negatives, and assess each accordingly.

I know that there is a difference between X-Factor-type-shows and Jersey Shore, but both seem to elevate fame for it’s own sake; even where hard work and talent are not what is being rewarded. This has led to a whole generation(s) of kids valuing fame for it’s own sake, rather than as a consequence of hard work. Definitely negative impact. We’ll give this a -5 rating for ‘beneficial impact’

Similarly, the music of girls aloud – this has created tunes I can happily bop along to when in the mood, but it’s also meant Cheryl Cole, who most little girls (according to a recent survey) would like to grow up to be, so this creates the same problem as described in the first paragraph. We’ll give this an arbitrary rating of -0.5, weighing up those two things…

The CoD series – hmm, perhaps there has been no negative impact other than the already-existing self-perpetuating desire for studios to churn out yet more of these types of games. HOWEVER, it’s existence has no doubt also inspired some of the many smart people interested in game design to want to create more interesting video game experiences (think indie scene). So, perhaps in a way this has had beneficial impact of +2 (of course I’m being idealistic here).

Cakefarts get a ‘beneficial impact’ rating of 0, because that is precisely how long I want to think about cakefarts.

So, on that scale, CoD wins, I guess!

And finally, @jennfrank shares a convincing argument in favour of Jersey Shore:

I’ve had more conversations about Jersey Shore than I’ve ever had about Idol or Talent or Call of Duty, and while these are all legitimate cultural milestones, OH MY GOD, don’t get me started on all the million reasons Jersey Shore is my heart and soul.

I love these earnest people earnestly, without a wrinkle of irony–I do!–and I love their passion for life and their perfectly foreign codes of morality and chivalry and fashion. But it’s this amazing anthropological study that no other show dares attempt, which is edgy in its way, and the cast, in turn, are these amazing actors who improvise their warts, these utterly authentic famewhores who relish in their own faults and even explain them all out, looking directly into the camera in partial states of drunkenness and undress.

Watching the show, for me, reproduces much the same crackle I felt as a tween watching early Real World, but instead of feeling a voyeur’s envious thrill at the specter of adults away from home for the first time, I instead know the envious thrill of watching kids away from home for the first time. So it’s the same, and it’s not the same.

Also, these folks are classy: Snooki is a NYT bestselling author, and Jenni “JWOWW” Farley is a spectacularly talented painter.

So there you have it. Points in favour of all of them, and proof positive that easily-derided cultural phenomena sometimes carry more significance than you might think personally.

Still hate X-Factor, though.

#oneaday, Day 226: Crossing the Musical Pond

Being in contact with people from all over the world is cool. You get to learn all sorts of interesting things about other people. Granted, the vast majority of people I know from “other” parts of the world are in the US and Canada. But despite the fact that many people believe the UK and US in particular to have a lot of similarities, one thing often comes up that reminds me that we are, in fact, different. And that’s music.

I was talking to a new friend the other night. She lives in the mountains in Georgia (that’s Georgia, US), a place where she says they didn’t even “discover” rock music until very recently. Up until then, it was country, country, country all the way. I found it strange to contemplate the idea that an area would just be completely without a style of music that I take for granted.

But then it occurred to me. This happens all over the place. She educated me a bit in the ways of country—a style of music she’d only grown to appreciate recently herself—and I realised that over here, barring occasional anomalies like Shania Twain’s brief incursion into the UK charts a few years back, we really don’t “do” country over here. At least, not in any sort of mainstream way. We have other things instead. And we have equivalents for different areas.

Okay, so rural English accordion-based folk music isn’t exactly the same as country. But it’s music from rural areas. The intent is the same, if not the execution. Similarly, urban music in the UK shares some stylistic features with urban music from the US, but comes out rather differently. (I don’t like either of them, which at least is something constant.)

In fact, about the only thing that is the same, as I allude to oh-so-subtly above, is the bland, manufactured pop crap. Some whiny twat with a stool and a spotlight bleating on about “oooh, girl” and probably pronouncing “you” as “joo” because that’s how cool and/or non-white people do it. It’s the same here as in the States.

These musical styles help people form a sense of identity. From the line-dancing country fans up in the mountains to the chavs blasting Dizzee Rascal at 0.5W out of their mobile phones (“blasting” probably wasn’t the right word there…) on a street corner, these pieces of music give people a feeling of “belonging”. They can attach themselves to it, identify themselves by it, bond with other people over it.

I don’t have a particular style of music that I call “my own”. As a musician, I’ve always been pretty fascinated by all styles of music. By exploring them, I’ve developed fairly eclectic tastes. I know what I like, and what I don’t like. I tend to feel more strongly about the things I don’t like than the things that I do like. And I don’t feel particularly pressured into feeling that I “should” or “shouldn’t” like a particular style of music just because of who it is. I’ve listened to Ke$ha’s album, for example, and enjoyed it. (I believe I described it as “what would happen if Kelly Clarkson were forcibly inserted into a NES”, which I think is a compliment in my world) I enjoyed the country that my friend introduced me to the other night (Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” is a lovely song, incidentally). I don’t find myself screaming over R&B and generic-sounding “urban” music because I’ve listened to it analytically and don’t find any appeal elements in there for me personally, though I’m sure it has its uses. In fact, I almost appreciate it in the whole “darkened club” situation, but then if you drink enough you can come to appreciate pretty much anything. Get low, low, low, low.

So in summary, then? Music is good. Listen to whatever the hell you like and damn what other people think of you if they find out.

#oneaday, Day 216: I Wish The X Was Ex

So I believe the new series of The X-Factor kicked off tonight. I’m saying this purely based on a few comments on Twitter that I happened to witness earlier on, and not by having watched it at all. The reason I don’t watch it? The X-Factor incites the kind of burning rage and despair at society that is matched only by how I feel during major football tournaments. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t watch TV at all. Not The X-Factor specifically. But shows like it. And by God there are a lot of them.

And they’re always the same. It’s all very well saying that it’s Just Entertainment, and that other forms of entertainment are just as guilty of the offences that The X-Factor commits.

But no. The X-Factor is pretty much identical every year, bar a couple of minor alterations to the format and the inevitable fake “controversy” over who is going to be a judge.

We start with the auditions. Everyone who watches the show uses the auditions section as the main reason to convince people who don’t watch the show to watch the show. “It’s funny!” they’ll say. “There are really shit people sometimes!”

If I want to watch shit people singing, I’ll go direct a school choir. I don’t need it on my television. And it’s not funny. It’s just embarrassing. Yes, these people did it to themselves by signing up for the show. But there’s no need for the “clever editing” (hah!) that goes into the show to focus on them quite so much. And what are we supposed to think? The show inevitably builds them up with one of its famous sob stories, then knocks them down flat when the judges decide to brand them “awful”. What are we, as viewers, supposed to take away from that? “Hah! Look! This person’s had an awful life! But they’re shit at singing and quite ugly, so let’s laugh at them and their misfortune! They’re going to die alone!”

Then, as I recall, there are “Boot Camp” sections, where the judges get to show us all how obnoxiously rich they are out as a result of the clone armies they’ve built over the years. This is ostensibly the “training” section, where the performers get to learn how to, well, perform better. Funny how we rarely see much in the way of training. Instead, we see when they fuck it up, because that’s Better Television.

After that we’re into the interminable, never-ending live shows. Every week, the remaining grinning idiots, who have had all semblance of personality sandblasted out of them by this point, come on stage, sing an incredibly twee and wet version of an existing song, listen to some “criticism” from the judges (which inevitably involves one or more of the key phrases “I liked it”, “I think you could be the next big thing”, “You’ve got the X-Factor”, “You… could win this show” or equivalents towards the negative end of the spectrum) which doesn’t actually offer any constructive advice at all, and then bugger off the stage either crying or going “YES!”

During the live shows, the black woman with the incredibly powerful voice will inevitably almost get to the final and then not quite make it. The “novelty act” which everyone thinks is Really Funny will be kept in for an inexplicably long time, despite being a one-joke act who don’t actually have any talent whatsoever. During the final, the performer who is the better singer will be kicked out in favour of the performer who is more generic and boring. And during the final, the “Winner’s Single” will be revealed to be a dirge-like ballad that makes everyone who listens to it want to kill themselves.

After the show has finished, the Winner’s Single will be released, it will sell like the proverbial hot cakes for a few weeks then disappear without trace for at least six months, after which time the winner will then release their “Stunning Debut Album!” by which time the whole world has forgotten who they are, at least it would have had they not been in the tabloids and on Sky News every five minutes every time they pick their bum or scratch their nose. As a result of this, the obsessive fans become like the people I talked about yesterday, and the people who don’t watch the show and have no time for manufactured pop nonsense are about ready to commit an act of terrorism.

So there you go. I’ve saved you having to watch it at all this year. The X-Factor can fuck off and burn in a fire.

The Hate List (September 2009)

Hello!

Here’s the official September 2009 edition of Things That Piss Me The Hell Off That I Can’t Do Anything About So Might As Well Ignore Them But Can’t.

Irrational rant and much sarcasm ahead.

In no particular order:

People who cough, then gob on the floor.
If I can cough and then either swallow my own phlegm or spit it into a tissue just to maintain some amount of public decorum, you can too. You’re not a pirate. Or a cowboy. You’re an idiot.
Casual lawbreaking.
“Ah, it doesn’t matter if I speed/park here/drop this litter/break this thing that doesn’t belong to me/steal this thing/let my dog shit there/threaten someone. Everyone else does it.” That’s right. And that’s why driving means you take your life into your own hands, you can never find a parking space (and when you do, it’s blocked by someone who has parked where they shouldn’t), our streets and parks often look more like rubbish dumps, kids whinge that there’s ‘nothing to do’ because it’s all broken or stolen or covered in dogshit, and people are afraid to step up and stop people from doing these things. Everyone hates the idea of a nanny state (myself included) but by doing all these stupid things you just encourage those in charge to put tighter and tighter controls in place in an attempt to stop you behaving like a self-obsessed bellend.
Cyclists who don’t understand the Highway Code.
If you are cycling, you are a road-based vehicle. Granted, a very small one that is mostly person-propelled, but you’re still a vehicle. Don’t swear at me if you come screaming down the pavement and nearly ram into me when there’s a perfectly good road with no people walking down it. Also, red lights mean stop. You massive twat.
Car drivers who don’t understand the Highway Code.
Quick recap: Blue sign with white arrow means “one way”. Red sign with white stripe across middle means “don’t go this way”. Stop muddling the two up.
Lorry drivers who overtake on the motorway.
You have an acceleration of 0-60 in 3 years. The thing you’re trying to overtake also has the same acceleration and there is a difference of 0.01mph between the two of you. Overtaking it will likely take you a very long time and get you into a position where you’re stuck behind another lorry that is going the same speed as the one you just overtook. Why not – here’s a thought – not bother?
People who absolutely have to get where they’re going faster than you.
Subject of the second ever entry on this blog, fact fans. Travelling around London is a sure-fire way to see this. You know the whole point of an escalator is that it’s a moving staircase that you don’t have to walk down, right? So pushing past to get to the bottom two seconds faster than everyone else achieves nothing except annoying the people who are patiently waiting. Also, standing behind someone who has a large suitcase that takes up a large step and tutting isn’t going to make the suitcase magically get small enough for you to get past.
Mercedes/BMW/Audi drivers. (Except my Dad, who drives a BMW in the most non-BMW-driver way I’ve ever seen.)
Those flashing orange lights on the side of your car are not “parking lights”. They do not mean you can park anywhere. Similarly, if you are in a traffic jam, weaving between lanes actually slows everything down rather than allowing you to get anywhere faster. Also, if you come up behind me and flash your headlights when I’m driving at the speed limit in the fast lane, overtaking things in the slow lane, I will slow down just to annoy you.
Fat exhaust pipes on shit cars.
Your car is loud! It sounds like the exhaust is broken! You’d better get that looked at. In the meantime, why not drive like you think you’re in a Mercedes?
Using the word “fucking” as punctuation.
When considering whether it is appropriate to use taboo language in conversation, consider 1) your audience, 2) the context and 3) whether it will help your message to be heard. “Ah went dahn the fahkin’ shops and bought some fahkin’ bread” is an example of the word “fucking” not being used to enhance the sentence in the slightest. “People who do this are fucking idiots” is a good example of using the word “fucking” in one of its primary uses as an intensifier. A “fucking idiot” is more of an idiot than an “idiot”. However, the “fucking shops” are no more or less a shop than the shops. Also, bread.
T-shirts with slogans about being drunk.
Oh! You like to drink! You’re so wacky! “Take me drunk, I’m home!” That’s clever! That’s so clever!
T-shirts with slogans about having a large penis.
If you need to shout about it, it’s probably not worth shouting about.
T-shirts with swear words on them.
I’m not averse to using bad language in a situation where it is appropriate and/or acceptable, but to walk around town where there are often young children and also people who don’t particularly want to see your T-shirt imploring them to “FUCK OFF” present marks you out as being 1) inconsiderate and 2) a massive tool.
Men who wear too much aftershave.
If I can still smell you a minute after you’ve walked past me, that’s too much.
Smokers who smoke underneath “No Smoking” signs.
Ooh, you big rebel. Get you. Now take your stinking cancer-sticks and shove them up your arse where I can’t smell them but you can feel them. Preferably lit.
Beauty fascism.
Eyes age in two ways! (So you must fix them!) Wrinkles appear on your body! (So you must Polyfilla them!) Your teeth are dirty! (So bleach them!) Your skin is pale! (So paint it orange!) Your hair is not quite blonde enough! (So dip it in Domestos until it’s just right!) Your clothes suck! You’re a failure! A FAILURE! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE, YOU PATHETIC BAGGY-EYED, PALE-SKINNED FAILY FAILURE FAILINGTON?
Confused.com’s advertising. (YouTube)
Are you really expecting us to believe that people voluntarily sat down in front of a webcam and talked about their experiences buying home and/or car insurance so you could put their gurning Everyman mugs all over our TV screens every five seconds? Because I’ve bought both home insurance and car insurance. Both experiences made me want to kill myself. Maybe I should go on cam and say that. Apparently the emo-looking kid in the purple top (“Phil”) is quite well-known on YouTube. Sell-out.
GoCompare’s advertising. (YouTube)
No-one sits in a coffee shop saying things like “Car insurance, eh? What can you do?” – even floppy-haired douchebags like the ones in the advert. Also, if a singing twat burst in encouraging me to “Go Compare” I’d tell him to “Go Fuck Yourself” and punch him in the neck.
Compare the Meerkat. (YouTube)
Almost funny once. Not funny the five hundredth time. In fact…
Insurance advertising.
Just sod off and stop trying to make one of the most boring things in the world look exciting.
McDonalds’ advertising.
You have a recognisable jingle. Well done. Would it kill you to put it in the same key as the rest of the music in the advert?
People who use the word “unfortunately” when they don’t mean it.
You don’t care that I can’t do that thing I’m trying to do. It’s no skin off your nose. So don’t patronise me by bemoaning my poor fortune.
Unnecessary layers of management.
The most extreme example of this I’ve seen came while I was temping for a loss adjustment company. An insurance company hired a firm of solicitors who hired the loss adjusters who hired some surveyors who hired some building contractors who hired some builders who charged the building contractors who charged the surveyors who charged the loss adjusters who charged the solicitors who hired some cost recovery specialists to recover the costs from the insurance company who hired their own cost recovery specialists to recover the fees from the person whose fault it might have been (but they weren’t sure). Unsurprisingly, the whole case (which was incredibly boring, something to do with a little crack in someone’s living room wall which may or may not have had something to do with a tree outside the window) took several years to resolve, by which time the crack had probably gone all the way up the wall and broken the house.
Spar.
Why is it I can go into Tesco Express, buy lunch, dinner, toilet roll and a few household essentials and spend approximately £10, while I do the same in your rotten little shop and have to spend £20 for inferior products? Also, one of your cashiers needs to buy some deodorant.
The X-Factor.
Simon Cowell was quoted this week (in the Star, admittedly, but I’ll let that pass for the sake of this rant) as saying “The Beatles wouldn’t have won the X-Factor”. Good. That means they actually have a future and won’t ever do a duet with Flo Rida. Speaking of whom…
Flo Rida.
You can rap in triplets. Well done. Now try writing your own songs instead of pinching other peoples’. Which reminds me…
Cover versions that aren’t cover versions.
Sugababes recently covered Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”. Badly. Pussycat Dolls recently put out a song which wasn’t “I Will Survive” but inexplicably breaks into it completely incongruously halfway through. Flo Rida… ugh, just make him go away. If you’re going to cover a song, show it some respect and/or creativity.
Radio 1.
There are more than ten songs in the world. Some of them aren’t even done by floppy-haired idiots or women with shiny legs. Please play them.
There/Their/They’re.
You learned this in primary school. I can still remember it, so why can’t you?
Your/You’re.
You also learned this in primary school. I still remember it also.
Basic punctuation.
Capital letter at the start of a sentence. Full stop at the end. No need for kisses. “[Anonymous] is pleased today over it really should be better paid for all the hassle going to enjoy a bottle of wine and a good catch up x” is a sentence that makes fairies cry.
Apostrophes.
Apostrophes denote possession, a missing letter or being pretentious. (People know what a “bus” is now. We don’t really need to call it a “‘bus” any more. Same for the phone. Or the ‘phone.) “Flower’s for wedding’s” (seen on a road outside Fareham) is not correct. “Please do not use mobile phones or personal stereo’s in this area” (seen on South West Trains) is not only incorrect, it is inconsistent. “All reasonable offer’s will be considered” is similarly not correct. “Pete’s last entry sure was full of vitriol” is correct. “Fish ‘n’ Chips” is correct.
Facebook games.
No, I don’t want to join your Mafia or adopt your stupid spastic black sheep that “turned up” on your farm. If it turned up on your farm, you take care of the little bastard.
Facebook.
Facebook is full of noise. It’s like trying to be heard while standing in the middle of a ball pit filled with drunken giggling teenagers at the local Happy Eater while a man shouts “MAFIA WARS! FARMVILLE! AAAAAH!” at the top of his voice. (This has now been allayed somewhat with the launch of Facebook Lite, aka We Wish We Were Twitter.) (Additional note: I still like and use Facebook. But it is getting noisy.)

That’s nearly 2,000 words there. I think that’s probably enough for now! If you have any pet peeves of your own you’d like to share, please do make them known in the comments.

If all that depressed you, let Maru cheer you up: