#oneaday, Day 10: Wordplay

[Before we start and descend headlong into depravity, let me give those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter a bit of context. I asked for a word to blog about. I was immediately bombarded with lots of them. So I’ve decided to attempt to insert all of them into a piece of creative writing that makes at least some degree of sense.

I have hyperlinked each word used to the original tweet that mentioned it.

Given the nature of the words that have been incoming while I’m writing this, the following piece of prose may not be suitable for anyone those under the age of the age of majority in the region where you are reading this. Also, hearty apologies to any Jamaican readers and ting.]

Feena awoke, sat up groggily, brushed the hair out of her face and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She blinked a few times and looked around her, mouth hanging slightly open, as she tried to recall exactly what had transpired.

Last night had been filled with silliness, for sure. There had been copious drinking and outrageous dancing at the pub, much to the delight of the elderly regulars. The girls had picked the pub specifically because it was a place that wouldn’t be filled with the sort of Ben Sherman-wearing, aftershave-drenched creep that tended to latch on to a group of pretty girls and proceed to harass then throughout the course of the evening. The old men had come out with a few cheeky wolf-whistles and saucy comments, but it was all good-natured and the girls had enjoyed themselves.

She swung her legs down off the bed and let her bare feet drop to the wooden floor, wincing slightly at how cold it was. Evidently she’d forgotten to put the heating on when she’d got in, which wasn’t surprising. She shivered a little, but stood up, intending to make for the kitchen and make herself a nice hot pot of coffee.

The pub hadn’t been the end of the night, of course. Feena couldn’t remember who had suggested moving on to the nightclub, but she sincerely hoped it wasn’t her, considering the things that were flooding back into her mind, faster and faster now.

The club, Jokers, was a regular student haunt and seemed to constantly have a background scent of stale flatulence. This was partly due to the fact that the toilets were pretty much constantly out of order, though that didn’t stop people pissing, shitting and vomiting into them, the fragrant effluvia occasionally spilling out of the toilet block into the laughably-named “beer garden” and, on one memorable occasion, onto the dance floor.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if Jokers served normal drinks, thought Feena. Jokers was the only place in the city you could get a can of Clamweiser, though. And by the time people were drunk enough to end up in Jokers, they were drunk enough to consume a beverage made of a mixture of gassy American beer and clam juice. She shuddered as she remembered the last memory she had of the night: the fetid stench of the drink being poured into the glass in front of her.

She retched slightly at the thought. It was markedly worse than the previous Most Disgusting Experience of her life, the time where as a teen she had caught her brother at the tail-end of an apparently-epic masturbation session, his computer screen filled with boobies, dripping cock clenched in his hand while their mother’s bra’s clasp pinged open and fell off his chest. She shivered; it was an image which would have been enormously amusing had it not been quite so horrifying.

She rummaged around in the fridge blindly, the light stinging her hungover eyes, and finally withdrew two slices of bread. A piece of toast will sort me right out, she thought. She popped the two slices into the toaster and pressed the lever down.

Suddenly, there was a noise. It sounded like a toilet flushing. Feena froze in her tracks. Was there someone else here?

The answer to her question came in short measure, as a Jamaican man with long dreadlocks wandered into her kitchen, naked as the day he was born, and gave her a polite nod.

“I use de last of ye bumbaclot,” he said, gesturing towards her bathroom and scratching his testicles nonchalantly. “Hoap ye don’ mind.”

Feena blinked, but said nothing. All was silent for a moment. Then, as if finding the silence unbearable, the toaster flung the two hot, crisp pieces of bread high into the air. They seemed to spin in slow motion, rising to the zenith of their flight before gravity took hold and they accelerated inexorably towards the floor, where they plopped unceremoniously, immediately forgotten.

“Did you…” Feena stammered, not sure what she wanted to ask this strange naked man who was now looking at her quizzically. “Did you… Did we…?”

“What?” he asked, smiling slightly.

“Did you… Did you invade my coochie snorcher?” she babbled. She didn’t know why her brain had chosen that particular moment to resurrect a euphemism she hadn’t uttered aloud for at least ten years, but she figured this situation couldn’t get any more embarrassing.

The man chuckled.

“No,” he said. “Some ras-clart try to start dis ting in de club. Saw him off too, noat before me mandible were dislocated, though. Ye help me oot, done fix me up good and ting, Miss Nursey, an’ ye let me sleep here.”

“Oh,” said Feena, still a little bewildered by the whole situation.

“Ye want ye’ toast?” asked the man, picking up the discarded slices from the floor, a thin dusting of brown crumbs remaining on the tiles.

“No,” said Feena absently. “No, I think I just want to go back to bed.”

#oneaday, Day 184: Dark World

[The following is part dream I had, part daydream, part complete fiction and part external influences. You may make of it what you will. Up to and including a fetching hat.]

The fog was out of season, and even thicker than it would have been at the right time of year for it. And it was cold. Very cold. Colder than he remembered it being for a long time. He wasn’t sure how long it had been cold and foggy, but it had certainly been for the whole day. And that seemed to mean that everyone was staying inside, since there was not a soul on the street.

He reached the shop and walked in. All was silent inside. The lights flickered slightly, and the buzzing of the fluorescent tubes suddenly seemed very loud. There was no-one here either; no sign of the usual student rabble laughing, joking and buying beer. No sign of the shop staff behind the counter. Nothing. Yet apart from this, the neatly-stacked shelves looked just as they always did. But there was something wrong, something sinister about the whole thing.

He walked over to the coffee machine, pulled out a cup and placed it under the nozzle before jamming his thumb onto the “large latté” button. The machine whirred, ground and made that curious sucking noise as the milk and coffee poured into the cup. It seemed very loud amidst the silence in the rest of the shop. Then it was quiet, and the cup was full. He pulled out one of the flimsy plastic lids from the dispensers and set it atop the cup.

He fumbled in his pocket for some loose change and left it on the counter. Just because there was no-one here was no reason to take advantage. He wasn’t that sort of person.

Something was wrong. The lights were flickering more, and the buzzing was getting louder. Suddenly, they went off entirely, and the shop was plunged into darkness. Loud, metallic scraping sounds filled his ears and he didn’t know what was happening. It shouldn’t be dark; it was still light outside, despite the fog. He tripped and fell in the darkness, somehow managing to hold on to his coffee cup. The ground began to shake, and he fell again trying to get back on his feet. This time, he dropped the cup. The tremors became stronger and stronger; it felt like the ground was somehow shifting beneath him, changing, becoming… metallic?

A small light flicked on above the counter.

The floor was cold, and where there once were simple tiles was now covered in metallic grates, darkness beneath them.

He scrambled to his feet, not wanting to stay here any longer than necessary. Outside, the fog was gone, but it was dark now. There was little light by which to see, so he pulled out his phone and used the bright light from the screen to see his way. The street seemed to be covered with the same curious gratings, the soles of his shoes clanging on them as he walked.

In the distance, in the darkness, he could see his building. He needed to get there, to be home, to be safe, to be inside. He didn’t like the feeling that this strange new environment was giving him. He quicked his pace to a light jog and headed towards the building, up the stairs to the front door. He punched in the door code and opened the door.

Inside, like outside, all was darkness. The small pool of light from his phone was just enough to see by, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He opened the door leading into the corridor that held his apartment and stepped into the blackness. He walked forward down the corridor, stopping and turning where he thought his door should be, but there was nothing there, and the corridor continued into the darkness. He couldn’t see the end of it.

He turned to face the corridor, stretching into the distance, took a deep breath, swallowed, and continued to walk down it. As he continued down the seemingly endless passageway, the only sound were his footsteps echoing on the metallic floor.

He wasn’t sure how long he walked for, but he was starting to get out of breath after a while. That’s when he heard the sounds. A mechanical sound of some sort, though he couldn’t tell what. He walked towards it and it slowly, gradually, got louder.

A voice whispered in his ear and he gave a start, almost falling over with the shock. He didn’t hear what the voice said, but it sounded familiar. Then the other ear, again, something said, not meant to be heard. The machinery growing louder and louder, the whispering voices growing more urgent. And now it felt like the corridor was sloping downwards. Just a little at first, but the further he went and the closer the sound became, the more it sloped and sloped until he thought he was going to slide down it and then—

The corridor came to an abrupt end along with the sounds, and he almost walked into his neighbour’s door in the darkness. He turned to face his own apartment, drew out his key from his pocket and hesitantly slid it into the lock. Pushing open the door slowly, cautiously, he shone the light from his phone into the black hallway, a sense of dread gripping him from inside, tightening every organ in his body, making him feel coiled like a spring.

The light bounced off a metallic object that was sitting on the side in the hallway. He walked over to it to see what it was.

A cook’s knife. Clean, shining in the light and sharp as a razor. He picked it up, not certain what he’d use it for. And he walked slowly towards the bedroom, figuring that if the world was going to do a passable impression of night-time, he might as well try and get some sleep.

The door creaked open as he pushed it, but suddenly he was wrenched through it, the wind knocked out of him as he fell to the ground, still gripping the knife in his hand, his phone skittering across the floor, face up, its light shining around the small room.

Then the sound. That terrible sound. Like a scream, but not of pain or terror. It sounded like rage. It was formidable and terrible, and it was somewhere in this room.

He looked up at the pool of light on the ceiling. That’s when he saw it. Its skin glistening as the light reflected off it, it screamed again as it knew it had been spotted.

He gasped, and his breathing quickened. This was—

The thing let out a horrifying screech again and something glass shattered. A window? A mirror? He couldn’t tell, because he couldn’t see. But he knew what had to be done. Brandishing the knife in a shaking hand, he walked towards where he had seen it hanging and looked up again. A tendril, like a thick piece of rope, hung from the ceiling. He raised the knife over his head and brought it down in a smooth arc, slashing through the tendril and slicing it clean in two. The part which had been stuck to the ceiling fell to the ground with a wet slapping noise, and there was another terrible scream.

His head hurt. His vision, what little he could see, felt hazy. This was difficult. It wasn’t as easy as he thought. But he had to—

The thing roared and lunged at him, but he staggered to one side at just the right moment, placing him right beneath another hanging tendril. Gritting his teeth and raising the knife, he cut through this one too. This time, images flashed across his eyes. Memories? He wasn’t sure, because they were gone as soon as he could focus on them. And still it was there, howling in pain now, writhing, yet still trapped. It lunged again and pushed him to the floor, knocking the wind out of him and the knife clattering across the floor. He dove towards where he thought it fell, gasping to recover his breath, and fumbled around until he felt its handle. Unsteadily, he picked himself up and got to his feet. His head was hurting now, like a migraine but worse. Instead of flashing lights across his vision, there were images, but they were still too elusive to grasp hold of. He recognised them, loved them and feared them at the same time, and he knew that there was only one way to—

With a yell, he leapt at the thing, knife raised aloft and slashed through the fourth and final tendril. With an awful screech, it fell to the ground, helpless against what was to come.

He stood above it, looking down at this pitiful thing that could engender such fear, hatred and anger. There was only one thing left, and that would be it. That would be the end. That would be—

He knelt before it, glowering at it, eyes narrowed, teeth grinding. He looked at the knife in his hand, now stained with blood and ichor, and then back to the thing again. This would be the last—

He plunged the knife deep into it and the horrific noise that ensued made the ground shake. But he pulled out the knife and plunged it in again, the tremors becoming more and more forceful, the screech becoming more and more deafening. He could hear walls cracking, collapsing, falling around him. He hoped it would be enough time to—

With the final thrust of the knife, there was a blinding white light, a sense of sudden, incredible, release like every trace of tension leaving his body; and there was a sound, a sound like a rising wind, louder and louder and stronger and filling his ears with noise and sound and it was too much and—

Then sudden, awful, total silence. Nothingness. The white light enveloped everything. Made it impossible to see. But it was—

She stood by the door to the apartment, not sure whether or not to go in. She stared at that number on the door, the number which for so long had meant “home” but was now just another meaningless digit. She looked at the lock, and at the key in her hand.

The key slid smoothly into the lock and she pushed open the door. Inside, all was quiet. The lights were off, the curtains were open and there were no signs of life. She walked ahead into the bedroom. Bare. Nothing but a bed. No sheets, no pillows, nothing. Back into the corridor; nothing here. The closets: empty. The study: nothing to see.

Panicking now, her heart racing, she ran to the living room. Nothing here besides the table, the sofa and the chairs. The things that had always been here, but nothing that meant—

Then she saw it. A folded piece of paper on the table, sitting by itself, alone.

She took it, unfolded it, read it.

Then she stuffed it into her pocket, turned and fled.

#oneaday, Day 53: Freewriting #3, or What The Hell Is Going On In My Head?

[In the absence of any particular inspiration today, I’m going to start that clock for ten minutes once again and just write without editing, except that which happens on “autopilot” as I type. Let’s see what happens this time, shall we? Three. Two. One. Go!]

Fire light.

A camp fire.

Figures all around. Standing. Waiting. What are they waiting for?

Who knows. No-one knows, not even the woman standing apart from the group, facing the other way, into the forest. She weeps, for something lost and almost forgotten.

The men chant. No-one knows what they are saying, not even then. It is a dead language, dredged up for this ceremony which no-one is sure of its purpose.

The woman turns. The men continue, seemingly oblivious to her presence. Her face is streaked with tears.

She pulls off the shoulder of her fur top, first one, then the other. The garment falls to the floor. She is naked in the darkness, the red glow of the fire illuminating her skin.

She walks towards the fire. The men still chant. Over and over. She walks. Closer. The heat is on her skin now, making her sweat.

What is this? she thinks. Why am I here? I don’t know what this ceremony is about, or what it is that is going to happen next.

A man’s attention is distracted. He stumbles over one of the words of the dead language. No-one notices except the woman. She turns, her flaxen hair falling over her bare shoulders. She locks eyes with the man.

One word goes through her mind. Heretic.

Why heretic? Why is he a heretic when I don’t understand why any of us are here? she thinks.

The man is panicking, trying his best to find his rhythm and get back with the rest of the group. Still no-one has noticed except the woman, now staring at him, the light of the fire reflected in her widening eyes, still glistening with tears.

The man looks away from her, down at the floor, as he continues to mumble the words, missing things here and there.

Eventually, he can take it no longer, and sinks to his knees, his bare legs striking the dirt on the ground and grazing them. It hurts more than he expected, but in a short while it won’t matter.

The woman is filled with sorrow for this man’s fate. She doesn’t know what it is, but a flash of something – a forgotten memory? A vision? Something blasts through her mind, and it is not a pretty sight. She catches a glimpse of the man’s face in her mind’s eye, his face contorted with intense torment and pain.

Then she knows. She has to save him. She has to get out of here. She takes a step forward. Towards him. Moving slowly, her bare feet gliding across the dirty floor.

The kneeling man looks up at her with pleading eyes. Her eyes still glisten. Her heart is filled with compassion for this man, this poor man dragged into this situation beyond his control, just like she was. And she knows that it is time. It is time for this to continue no longer.

She takes his hand. The other men chant, over and over in a forgotten, dead language. They are oblivious to what she is doing, and oblivious to the young man’s mistakes. In a few short minutes, all that will change, and she knows this. She pulls him up to his feet and nods her head towards the darkness of the forest, away from the angry red glow of the firelight.

Where should we go? she asks herself. I don’t know where we are.

Run, he says with his eyes, looking at her, on the verge of tears.

The unspoken communication between the two of them passes quickly, and, hands clasped tightly together, they run into the forest. Plants and branches sting and lacerate their bare legs as they run, but in a few short minutes none of that will matter. In a few short minutes, the ceremony will be over, for better or worse, and all this will cease to matter.

Given our desertion, she thinks, my money is on “worse”.

But she doesn’t want to stick around to find out. And she’s sure he doesn’t either.

Where to go? The forest paths seem to lead in every direction.

The only thing they can think of is the direction they cannot go in – back towards the flames. That way lies only suffering and death.

But where to go from here?

[Yeah, I know. Don’t ask.]

Weirdness of the Web: PMOG

I came across this the other day when browsing through friends’ Twitter profiles. As if Twitter didn’t waste enough time with publicly announcing that you were taking a dump (a tweet that, mercificully, neither I nor anyone else that I “follow” has felt the need to share… as yet) I happened to come across something called PMOG on the page of one Jennatar.

PMOG stands for Passively Multiplayer Online Game and I guess it’s one of those Web 2.0 thingies that you always hear people rabbiting on about. I was intrigued by the title, to be honest, so I decided to check it out.

PMOG takes the form of a Firefox extension that you install and it does all kinds of interesting things while you’re just going about your normal daily life on the Web. Firstly, you gain Datapoints for browsing websites. Secondly, players sometimes leave items on webpages including Crates, which can contain Datapoints, Mines, which cause players to lose Datapoints (and which cause Firefox to wobble around like it’s having a spaz attack), Portals, which link to another website with only a little hint about what it might be (though there are NSFW tags on ones which… well… aren’t) and some other bits and pieces.

The great thing is, these things only pop up if you’re running the PMOG toolbar, so you can make it leave you alone whenever you like. But then you’ll miss out on the mysterious portal which has appeared on your Facebook page, linking you to a video of, I don’t know, some dancing kittens or something.

It’s an interesting idea and it’s already made me check out a number of sites I’d heard of but never got around to investigating in any great detail.

Crap. As if I need another excuse to waste time on the Web.