2326: Purpose

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In response to the WordPress Daily Post prompt for June 2, 2016.

Purpose is, I am told, that little thing that lights a fire under your arse. Trouble is, finding one’s purpose and then being able to actually, you know, follow it somewhere constructive is a bit harder than just lighting a match beneath your hairy, sweaty ringpiece and hoping for the best.

I don’t think I’ve found my purpose yet. This is probably self-evident to those of you who have either been following this blog for a while or who know me in real life. It’s not through lack of trying, mind you — I’ve tried all manner of different things, but none of them seem to have quite worked out in a way that is any way satisfactory. I’ve either found myself realising that no, I don’t really want to do that thing after all — or in the few cases where I’ve found myself actually enjoying something that I’m doing, I find the opportunity snatched away from me through circumstances entirely beyond my control.

The closest thing I feel I have to any sort of purpose is to write. About what? I don’t know. Games obviously spring to mind, as I do a lot of writing about those from various perspectives, and indeed one of the writing projects I’m finding most enjoyable at the moment is the production of in-depth studies of games over on the sister site to this blog, MoeGamer. I’m currently into my third month of producing work of this type, and I’ve even managed to attract a few people to my Patreon to support me financially in appreciation for my writing, which is nice. Not enough to live on, by any means, but a bit of pocket money each month, if nothing else.

What else do I feel qualified to write about? Music is another thing; music may not be as much of a focus in my life as it was when I was at school, but it will always be a big part of who I am, and I feel pretty confident both talking and writing about music — and indeed teaching it.

On the subject of music, I have a curious (and probably not all that interesting) anecdote to share. I tend to find that my subconscious often reflects things that are at the back of my mind or causing me anxiety through my dreams, and one recurring dream I seem to have is that I’m back at my old school, I know that there are orchestra and concert band rehearsals going on — these are both groups that I was a member of throughout my entire time at school — but I deliberately choose not to attend them, nor to participate in the regular school concerts. In the dreams, I often run into my old music teacher Mr Murrall, one of my absolute favourite teachers in the whole school, and he’s extremely disappointed in me for not attending. Perhaps this is some sort of subconscious signal that I should try and do more with my music once again — question is, what?

That annoying question “what?” is the thing that I feel holds me back most from finding a purpose. Whenever I look for a job, I get hung up on what I should be looking for. Whenever I consider offering private services such as music teaching, I wonder what I should be charging and offering. Whenever I consider training myself up in a new field to try and find a new career, I stall on what I should be studying. What, what, what.

What should I do? I don’t know. But hopefully the answer will come to me at some point, otherwise I’ll just find myself staggering into middle- and old age feeling like I’ve not really accomplished anything along the way. And that’s not a prospect I’m particularly happy about.

2281: Trying Times

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I’d like to be fairly open about this, within reason, as I don’t want to sound like I’m constantly moaning about stuff — particularly with my desire to be more positive that I expressed the other day — but I feel it’s important to share with those of you who read regularly and whom I consider to be friends.

It’s a difficult period of life right now, as you might have surmised from some recent posts. I’d like to talk a little about what’s going on and why, and how you might be able to help.

Basically the main trouble we’re having stems from a chronic pain condition my wife has which is called, if I remember correctly, interstitial cystitis, also known as the rather literal “painful bladder syndrome”. The issue has been bothering her for well over a year now, and for the last few months she’s been off work due to how bad the pain has been. With me having also been out of work since my seasonal position at Game came to an end in January, as you can probably imagine, this has made financial security something of an issue. Technically I do have a new job now, but as I’ll explain in a moment, the situation isn’t exactly ideal.

Of greater concern than the financial issues — though they are related — is the matter of mental health, both for my wife and for me. Andie’s inability to work has led to her being practically housebound, which as anyone who has been housebound will know, can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation that can sometimes escalate into more severe negative feelings. Without going into details — this isn’t the time or place for that — suffice it to say that Andie has had a very difficult time of it with both her mental and physical health over the last few months, and it’s by turns heartbreaking, upsetting, frustrating and infuriating to cope with for me, since there’s literally nothing I can do about it.

The reason I say the situation with my new job isn’t particularly ideal is that, as anyone who has been left alone and isolated with mental health issues will know, being by yourself when you’re feeling particularly low isn’t a good or safe situation to be in. I know, I’ve been there — though thankfully the negative feelings I had never escalated to such a degree that I did myself serious harm. (The most I did to myself was bruise my hand a bit from thumping the floor in frustration.) My new job is in Basingstoke, which is at least half an hour’s drive away and thus puts me out of range of being able to easily rush back if necessary. It puts Andie in the position where she feels like she has no-one to call on for help in the day if she needs it, and it puts me in the position where I don’t know what state I might find her in when I get home, which is, naturally, rather worrying.

So with that in mind, for the next week or two I’m going to be taking some time to make sure she’s all right — and that I’m all right, for that matter. We’re getting some help and support from various sources — both family and medical — but anything those of you out there in friend-land can offer would be most welcome, even if it’s just a kind word and a chat now and again. (If you do feel inclined to help us out financially, may I direct you to my Patreon page, where you can help me make my writing into a proper income stream.)

I hope things are going to be all right. It’s easy to fall into a pit of negativity when this sort of thing happens and there doesn’t seem to be any sort of easy solution. But with the right help and support, we’ll hopefully make it out of this particular pit, be able to get back on track and start living our life the way we want it to again. That would be very nice right now.

2139: Black Friday

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I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally, so I hope you weren’t expecting anything too coherent or lengthy this evening. I’m still here, though, so let’s get this over and done with.

Worked the Black Friday weekend at work (yesterday and today) and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t as much of a clusterfuck as I was expecting. It was fairly busy, but not to an excessive degree; we didn’t have hordes of customers trampling each other or anything, so that was something of a relief.

I feel I’ve settled into things quite nicely with this job. I’ve established some decent “work friendships” with the people I work alongside — having been burned a bit before by getting too close to certain people I worked with, I have been deliberately distancing myself a bit without seeming too impersonal — and I feel like I know what I’m doing a bit better than I did when I started. I evidently exude something of an aura of confidence in what I do, because a number of the other seasonal temps who started after me keep mistaking me for a full-time, permanent member of staff. This, in turn, gives me a bit of a confidence boost, which I’ve been sorely in need of.

As part of my recent work, we’ve been opening up a new store. This has been really nice, as rather than trying to fit in to an established environment, I’ve been able to take a certain degree of “ownership” over the new place right from the outset. I know where things are, I know how the place works, I know its little quirks and idiosyncrasies. Being much more spacious and better laid out than our previous premises, it’s also much more pleasant to work in generally.

So work’s been going well. It’s just a shame a lot of other things have been so shitty recently, because it’s really getting me down; had a bit of an emotional breakdown this evening when I reached my absolute limit of endurance, and while I think that “release” helped a bit, I still feel a bit crappy.

Still, holiday coming up next week, so I shall do my best to relax and enjoy it, and hope things improve from there onwards. I can but hope.

2136: Dark World

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I am having a rough time, I don’t mind admitting. I was pretty open and honest about one of the things that was bothering me a few days ago, but it’s just one of several things that have been mounting up and causing me a not-inconsiderable degree of grief and stress just recently.

I would like it all to stop, please.

The person I care most about in the world is suffering with pain that won’t go away and that no-one seems to know how to fix. It’s at a point where it’s impacting both of our lives fairly significantly, but I don’t know what to do about it. Well, I sort of do: there isn’t really anything I can do about it myself, save for hanging in there and offering support when and how I can. I don’t resent having to do that, of course, but it is exhausting.

Alongside that, I find myself worrying about doing the right thing with regard to working. I’m enjoying my current seasonal temp position in retail, but at the back of my mind is always the knowledge that I’m underpaid, overworked and overqualified; a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I am 34 years old and should probably have done something a little more with my life by now.

The thing is, I’ve tried doing more with my life. I’ve tried being a teacher, and failed. I’ve tried having a “normal” office job, and failed. I’ve tried being a games journalist, and failed. In each and every instance, I’ve been pushed out by some combination of me being unable to stand up to people being assholes, my own declining mental health, my own lack of self-confidence and, on several occasions, events that were completely beyond my control.

It really, really blows to feel like you’ve wasted so many years of your life, and that you’re stuck on the “bottom rung” of the career ladder. It makes me feel guilty for enjoying the work I’m doing, because I “should” be doing more. But the thing is, I don’t really feel like I want to be doing more, nor do I feel like I’m entirely capable of doing more. My experiences since leaving university have proven to be such repeated and violent blows to my own sense of belief in my own abilities that I just want to be able to get on with things and let progress happen naturally if it’s warranted.

I really don’t know what to do any more. I guess I just have to ride this particular mental storm out, just as I’ve ridden out all the previous ones I’ve suffered over the years. This one feels like quite a bad one, but I can’t give up; I mustn’t give up. Giving up will simply make everything worse.

Forgive the self-pity, but as you can probably tell, I’m not in a great place right now. You will, dear reader, hopefully understand if I am somewhat out of sorts and in need of venting a bit of steam over the next few days, weeks, months…

2104: Adult Content

From a Plinky prompt:

“When did you realise you were an adult?”

I’ll be frank with you, dear reader; despite being 34 years of age, despite being married, despite being a homeowner, despite having a new(ish) car… I don’t feel like I’m an adult.

I mean, obviously I know I am an adult, because I have to worry about things like council tax, credit cards and putting the rubbish out. But I don’t feel like an adult. I’m not particularly houseproud (except when I know people are coming to visit), I’m not the sort of person who enjoys DIY “projects” — I doubt the day when I really want to “do the bathroom” or similar will ever come, whereas for some friends of mine it came practically the moment they left university — and I don’t really know how insurance works.

These are things that people never teach you, you see — or at least, they didn’t when I was in education. During my few years as a teacher, I did deliver a few “Key Skills” classes that, among other things, involved a whole lesson on how to work a washing machine — yes, really — but I must confess to feeling a little hypocritical educating the youths of the day on things that, in some cases, I wasn’t hugely familiar with myself.

Regular readers will, of course, know that my brain is riddled with hangups and anxieties over all sorts of things, ranging from simple communication with other people to how, exactly, you go about calculating your tax code. These anxieties, at times, build into what feels like outright fear, and I find myself worrying that I’ll get everything “wrong” and mess it up; this feeling, when it grows big enough, is enough to completely paralyse me from doing something I need to do, putting it off and putting it off until it becomes a considerably bigger problem than it would have been if I’d just done it when I first became aware of it.

I probably shouldn’t do that. One of these days I’ll end up putting off something really important and getting myself into a disastrous situation. Fortunately, I’m not alone; I have people who look out for me, and while I don’t want to become dependent on them or anything, knowing that sets me a little more at ease with my life than I would be if I was trying to struggle through all by myself.

So, in answer to the original question… when did I realise I was an adult? I don’t think I ever have realised that I was an adult; I don’t feel like I am an adult, I feel like I still have a hell of a lot to learn about the world, and I don’t have the first clue how to go about doing it. And, more to the point, I’m not sure I particularly want to.

That’s probably not a very grown-up attitude to take. But, well… you know.

1880: Better

Well, today was a somewhat more positive day. I took a trip for the interview I mentioned yesterday, and it was a very positive meeting. Remains to be seen whether anything will come of that, but in the meantime I also have some other business I can pursue. So we’ll have to wait and see on that for now.

Happy to reach another weekend, even though the concept is relatively meaningless for me at present. I’m still on something of a PAX comedown, I think; I had such a great time over in Boston that coming back to the stark realities of my current situation was somewhat… jarring, hence yesterday’s frustration. Onwards and upwards, though, I guess. Hopefully.

On an unrelated note, our Final Fantasy XIV Free Company is being fun at the moment. It seems that everyone has had the same idea as me — that they want to level all of the classes to 50 before the release of the expansion Heavensward in June of this year — and thus there are lots of people playing jobs they don’t normally play in lower-level dungeons. It’s fun to see people play stuff they’re less familiar with, and it’s also fun to get to know some of the other classes that I haven’t tried out quite so much.

Today I’ve been playing a bit of Warrior, which is a tank class, and Bard, which is a DPS class with some support elements. I’d held off on levelling Warrior in particular because I couldn’t think how it would feel that different from Paladin, which is my “main” class at present. It does have a distinctly different feel, though; just the animations and sound effects make this axe-wielding job feel a lot more cumbersome and hard-hitting than the relatively nimble, graceful-feeling swordplay of Paladins. The cooldown between skills is still the same, but it’s surprising quite what a difference just those elements make. It’s a more complex job overall, too, with a lot more possible actions to take at any given moment. Paladin is mostly about trying to mitigate damage as much as you can; as Warrior, you have a bit more flexibility and can put out some eminently respectable damage just by yourself. That flexibility means that there are a lot more abilities you use a lot more often, however; I’m not sure I love it, yet, but it’s interesting to see the contrast, and it gives me hope that Dark Knight will provide a unique experience again despite being another tank class.

Bard, meanwhile, is a joy to play, and a big contrast from Black Mage, my main DPS class to date. Bard’s ability to move while attacking is a complete change from the fixed-in-place heavy artillery nature of Black Mage, and it’s a lot of fun. Playing Bard feels very “technical”, for want of a better word; there’s lots of keeping an eye on your abilities and triggering the appropriate ones at the right time. There’s also a lot more “weaving” than other classes — i.e. slipping in extra skills that don’t use the “global cooldown” timer between your regular attacks — which makes for some satisfying improvised combos rather than the more fixed sequences that many other classes use.

There’s still plenty more to do to get to 50 — Warrior and Bard are both in the mid-30s so far, Pugilist (which later becomes Monk) is just level 15, as is Arcanist (which becomes Scholar and Summoner, arguably two of the most complex classes thanks to their use of pets) and I’m yet to try Lancer (later Dragoon) at all. Then there’s all the crafting and gathering stuff to do, as well… I’m going to be busy for a while, but I have confidence I’ll be well-placed by the time Heavensward comes out. And then it will be time for all-new adventures!

And what adventures they’ll be, if this preview video is anything to go by. Can’t wait.

1557: Got the Number Right This Time

Can’t believe no-one told me that I’d done three posts with the same number (1554, if you were wondering) — it’s an irrational and largely not-terribly-important fear I have that one day I will completely bollocks up the numbering system on this blog and celebrate, say, my 2,000th post when I’ve actually written 2,003 or something.

Not that it really matters, obviously; the original people who were following this blog as part of the #oneaday movement have almost certainly long since moved on as I’ve continued to babble on for somewhere in the region of 500-1,000 words per day for the last 1,557 (that’s 1,557, not 1,554… I think… I hope) days and I remain here largely talking to myself and the few people who stop in regularly or semi-regularly. (Thanks!)

After yesterday’s rant, I saw a few things today that kind of made me want to go off on one again, but I’m going to resist for now since it’s one of those subjects which will almost certainly be wilfully misinterpreted by certain people on the Internet and shared with the inevitable “THIS IS NOT OKAY” in an attempt to attract the usual crowd of shamers. (And I’m not talking about members of the Squadron of Shame.) It’s kind of disappointing to sometimes feel like I can’t truly speak my mind on certain subjects for fear of inciting the wrath of the Moral Outrage Committee, but having seen a number of friends fall victim to said Committee on a couple of occasions, I’m in no hurry to join them in being publicly shamed for saying something that, frankly, was absolutely fine in the first place. (I guess I’m kind of ranting here again after saying I wouldn’t. Apologies.)

Anyway, the upshot of feeling like I’ve had my lips zipped like this is that I feel… I don’t know, “backed up” for want of a better word, like I need some sort of release. It’s a stressful feeling, and it’s not a pleasant one, but at the same time I don’t want to really let rip because I know it will be ultimately unproductive.

So when I felt myself getting stressed out earlier, I booted up Final Fantasy XIV and escaped for a little while. It worked. I wasn’t alone; I got to hang out with the friends I’ve made in that game and even play some stuff together. (I’m getting quite good at Garuda Hard Mode and slightly better at Titan Hard Mode, but I’m still not great.) It was a nice means of getting away from it all for a little while, and when I was done I was able to log out feeling a little bit calmer about the world. Which was nice.

Anyway, I’m aware this has been a largely aimless post but I didn’t have a lot of things worth talking about happen today, frankly, since my mind has largely been occupied by being stressed and trying not to explode. Which it hasn’t, so that’s good. But anyway. Tomorrow is another day, and, more to the point, the end of another week, and I’m looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend. Apart from the part where I need to go and shout at Novatech because my laptop’s battery has died again for the third time in a not-very-long period of time. Sigh.

Anyway. That’s that. It’s 1:20 and I need to sleep, so that’s precisely what I’m going to go and do.

1532: Get It Done

Oh, for the ability to extend days as long as necessary so you can fit everything in. Oh, for the ability to call up motivation on demand and just get things done with time to spare.

There are lots of things I want to get done at the moment. You may recall quite some time ago that I was working on a game project with RPG Maker and that I was very excited about it. I am still very excited about it, and yet I haven’t done a whole lot on it recently. Why? I can’t really explain that, other than the fact I just feel like there hasn’t been a whole lot of time to do so recently.

I’m not sure whether or not that is actually true or whether it is just the perception in my mind, but that’s certainly the way it’s been feeling recently. I get up, I do work, I flop down in the evening, I relax, I go to bed, I repeat the process throughout the week and then take the weekend to recover.

I could, of course, use my time more efficiently. I could get up earlier in the morning and do stuff, and in fact I had been intending to get into some good routines having rejoined the gym/swimming pool complex in town, but unfortunately getting horribly, revoltingly ill put paid to those plans almost as soon as I had put them into motion. As soon as I shake off the last remnants of whatever plagues have been filtering through my systems, I will get back on that.

In the meantime, though, there’s nothing stopping me getting up early and, instead of going to the swimming pool or the gym, working on my game instead. Tomorrow morning I will at least make an attempt to do that, though it will depend on how I feel when I wake up.

I also need to do the same with my Japanese studies, since I now have a month off from classes and don’t want all the things I’ve learned to fall out of my head.

I think I am probably going to have to make myself some sort of schedule to try and stick to, though the mistake I often make with this sort of thing is making it too strict and consequently not wanting to stick to it. I think if I can set myself aside a few hours in the morning before I start work — I start late — to do something productive, be it game development, Japanese revision or going to the gym/pool, then that will get me into good habits and good routines, and thereby get some things done. When the evening comes, then, I can settle down and relax without guilt and do what I want to do. Maybe.

This is all fine and good until I get a bunch of lengthy, time-consuming games to play through for review and as luck would have it, several of those are on the way now. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it; for now, let’s try and get into some good habits and get shit done!

1312: Hoarding

Occasionally I look around and wonder why I keep some of the crap I do.

I’m actually not that much of a hoarder — I’ve been fairly ruthless about throwing useless crap out on several occasions, usually when moving house — but there are some thing that, over the years, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to part with.

One of the things that’s stayed with me for over half my life now — well, several things, really, if we’re being picky — is my old school work. Not all of it — reading through old school books would make me cringe — but some of it. Most notably, I appear to still have most of my coursework assignments from A-Level Sociology (and possibly GCSE Integrated Humanities, too), all my course notes from A-Level English Language and I even found one of my GCSE (or possibly A-Level… I forget) Music compositions the other day — a piano piece called “The Storm” that I momentarily contemplated giving a French title (“L’Orage”, which I’m not even sure is grammatically correct) before mentally punching myself in the face with a silent admonishment to not be so fucking pretentious.

The aforementioned English Language notes actually moved binders during the course of my studies, but I still have the previous ring binder they were in before they got a bit too… big. Said smaller binder was decorated on the inside covers by my friends and I (mostly me) with a series of fake classified advertisements, many of which are in-jokes that I can still remember but which, going by past experience attempting to resurrect them with my old school friends, are probably remembered by only me. For example, I can remember exactly whom the advert “Ninja Assassin Wanted to Eliminate Annoying Twat in English Class” refers to; likewise, I remember who the phone number for the adjacent “Ninja Assassin for Hire” panel belonged to. Other jokes are a little more obvious: an advert inviting people to acquire fake identification to get served in pubs by writing to the local police station (postcode PE19 999, obviously); an advert for a new book called “How to Use Windows 95 Without Getting in a Stress” (judged “indispensible” by the Daily Mail, apparently); Poppets offering a new “Rabbit Poo” flavour.

Interestingly, the inside cover of my English Language folder also marks an instance of Capitalising Things to Make Them Sound Like Official Things that predates TVTropes by a good few years, and also displays a convincingly large amount of evidence that I held some sort of deep-seated grudge towards Cambridgeshire Careers Guidance for some inexplicable reason. It’s also quite magnificently dated by the references made throughout the adverts — the ad for the fictional PC product Mr Volpe’s MATHS! Is Not Boring… Honest proudly boasts of “16-bit colour video starring Mark Hamill and Patrick Stewart” and “music by Oasis” along with the fact it’s “powered by Id’s Quake Engine”; meanwhile the Hanson Interactive CD-ROM apparently came with “tickets to see Hanson live, a working sniper rifle with live ammunition (for use at concert) and actual footage of band members being dismembered horribly” (with no apparent realisation that if they’d already been recorded being dismembered then there’d be no-one to shoot at the concert).

It is, in short, a rather eye-opening glimpse into my psyche from when I was around 15. I’m not sure it’s a healthy image, but eh. It helped make me the person I am to– WAITAMINUTE

1181: 1:20am Blogging

It is 1:20am and I haven’t written anything here, nor do I have any particular idea as to what to write about. So I’m just going to write any old crap that comes into my head right now. I hope you’ll forgive me for that. This isn’t going to be a “freewriting” exercise as my brain is not awake enough for the mental agility required for that (though doing freewriting when absolutely exhausted is probably an interesting exercise in itself) — instead, it’s just going to be… stuff. All right? Good.

As I was logging in to write this post, I happened to see what my “top searches” are. I find these interesting to look at every so often as they provide a curious insight into how people are finding me here. And it’s not always in the manner you might expect. (Those bloody stickman GIFs I made a while back attracted a lot of people, but that seems to have died down somewhat now.)

My top searches at present are “My Girlfriend is the President Irina Route”, “Candy Crush Features on PC that Aren’t on Mobile”, “You Have Earned a Trophy” and “Cis Male Guilt”. I think that about sums things up nicely, doesn’t it? If any of those things have brought you here, allow me to address them in order: Irina’s route in My Girlfriend is the President was my third favourite route after Ell-chan and Yukino but ahead of Ran-neechan; Candy Crush Saga is a mug’s game whatever platform you play it on, so go and buy a copy of Bejeweled instead; well done, you have earned a trophy; and cis male guilt is one of the most irritating blights on the Interwebs of 2013. Happy? Good.

I’ve had a fairly dull day today, which is why I don’t have a lot to talk about, really. I’ve done a fair amount of work on my game, though nothing significantly more interesting than the stuff I talked about yesterday. In terms of how far through the “plot” I am, though, I’ve officially finished the first “day” in the story and got the structure in place for the next five in-game days to branch off in several different directions and lead the player towards one of the endings. So progress is being made — noticeable progress — which is exciting.

In other news? I had a little play on the piano earlier, but given that the B key above middle C is sticking and making it very difficult to play at times, doing so is an infuriating experience. It is doubly infuriating because I have just come into possession of the piano scores for the Nier and Final Fantasy X-2 soundtracks along with a bunch of fan-arranged sheet music for a selection of tracks covering everything from Ar Tonelico 2 to School Days HQ. I would very much like to play all these and record them to share with you, but without a working B key I can’t do that to the standard I’d like to. So next week I have to take my keyboard to a scary man in Ringwood who will hopefully fix it without too much difficulty.

That’s about it, really. I think I’m going to go to bed now. Andie’s having a night out with her friends and isn’t back yet. I have no idea when she will be back, but I will almost definitely be awake when it happens. Or perhaps not. I have no idea. I’m quite tired. To such a degree that I’m babbling nonsense out through my fingers, so I think it’s probably best for everyone involved if I just cut my losses, click that Publish button and go to bed now. Good night!