The “chav” is a curious phenomenon. Those of you reading from across the pond will have heard me use it as a term of derision frequently. Perhaps you’re already familiar with the sort of person I’m talking about.

It’s difficult to pin down exactly when they appeared as a distinct subculture. There were pain in the arse kids who always got into trouble while I was at school, but I don’t think any of them were actually involved in “gangs”. I have a vivid memory of hearing the word for the first time, however, seated on the top deck of a bus with my friend Cat. There were some kids sitting a few seats ahead of us who were using language that would make a trucker blush (including the memorable out-of-context phrase “fuckin’ pancakes” that we overheard, much to our amusement) and Cat referred to them as “chavs”. I’d not heard the word prior to that point, but it quickly became apparent that this was an established word to refer to this distinct group of people – tracksuit-clad, baseball cap-wearing, mobile phone-toting (nowadays, with shit R&B music by their idols N-Dubz blasting out of their tiny speakers) zit-faced teens with greasy hair and a predilection towards underage drinking and smoking along with abuse of strangers.

The reason I feel like talking about them right now is the fact I caught a bunch of them outside my living room window tonight. I say “caught” – “heard” is more accurate. Outside our window was a group of three guys in hoodies making a hell of a racket. At first I thought they were arguing about something, but looking out of the window revealed the ugly truth: they were “rapping”. I could tell by the stupid arm movements the lead chav was making, and the fact that his two cronies were standing around with mobile phones – one playing music from its tinny speakers as a “backing track”, the other filming the whole debacle.

The result of this sort of thing generally looks something like this:

The weird thing is how seriously these idiots take it, despite looking like absolute morons. There are gangs all over Southampton who use the social networking site Bebo to promote themselves and hurl abuse at other gangs, with the sort of spelling, punctuation and grammar that would make Lynne Truss fall down dead immediately.

I’m in two minds about this sort of thing – neither of these opinions are particularly good things. In one sense, I find their efforts to be like “genuine” gangs from, say, New York to be extremely pathetic and childish. I’m no fan of the criminal lifestyle anyway, even in films and other media (though I have played me plenty of GTA in the past), so to try and emulate it just seems dumb.

Secondly, and ironically given what I’ve just said about them being laughable and pathetic, I find groups like that rather intimidating. Being a rather mild-mannered gentleman myself (at least when I don’t have a keyboard in front of me), I don’t like confrontation, and I certainly don’t like having abuse hurled at me by people I’ve never met. A lot of these kids seem to thrive on both of these things. Having worked in schools where these kids are starting to develop these traits, I can say that it’s not a pretty sight. I realise that by saying this I am allowing them to “win”, achieving exactly what they want to achieve – intimidation of those who are not “in” on the… whatever it is. A joke? But the fact remains – these are not people you’d choose to hang around.

Part of this is probably the media biasing us against them, of course, but I don’t think the depiction of them in the media is particularly unfair, having had one experience some years back of being chased into a shop by the “Bassett Boyz” accompanied by a couple of friends. Our offence? We were walking down the same street as them. We hadn’t said anything or done anything – we were simply on their “patch”, which made us targets. Luckily we managed to get away unscathed and with nothing stolen, but the staff in the shop were obviously well-used to intimidation from these children – and they are children, worryingly – and did nothing, not even calling the police. Thanks a lot.

In some senses, chavs are the antithesis to the British stereotype of being reserved, polite and speaking with perfect enunciation. Perhaps they are a sign of a rebellion against the “status quo”. But they’re certainly not a change for the better.

Still need some convincing? Go pay the St Mary’s Mandela Boys (who claim to “rule” Southampton) a visit, and check out the comments, posted by kids who are still at schools in the area. To sound like an old man for a moment (which I frequently do anyway) – is this really where we want youth culture going?