1469: Read Before Posting

I’d like to try a little exercise with you, oh fellow denizens of the Internet.

Find the last thing you posted online, be it chat message, tweet, Facebook status update or, if you’ve got more time than sense, blog post. Then what I would like you to do is read that post out loud — but with a twist. I’d like you to make all the faces you typed emoticons for, and any acronym you used, I’d like you to actually do the thing you said you were doing. (For example, if you typed “lol”, I would like you to laugh out loud; if you typed “lmao” I would like you to laugh until your arse falls off. Yes, literally.)

Did you look like a complete dingbat and/or a creep? Exactly. Herein lies part of the problem with online communication: while emoticons and acronyms were originally intended to allow for some semblance of “tone” to be indicated in the necessarily dry nature of text, they don’t really work all that well in the way that they tend to be used today.

Take the humble “lol”. Depending on your literacy level, you may actually put “lol” in a sentence where you really would laugh out loud. But more often than not, it seems, it’s used as a substitute for punctuation, and it doesn’t really matter what punctuation mark should have gone in there if we were going to be all persnickety about Standard English. No, many’s the time when I’ve seen people type a message ending with a redundant (and, frankly, somewhat disquieting) “lol” or even joining two completely largely unrelated sentences to one another. I recall one former Facebook “friend” (actually someone I went to school with but barely spoke to when I was there, let alone since) posting some epic rant about how she had had a difficult week lol but was looking forward to putting her feet up with a glass of wine lol xxx. That’s… no. That just doesn’t make any sense.

I think more infuriating to me than inappropriate lolling is the use of the tongueface smiley, however. I associate sticking your tongue out with a distinctly 1950s expression of rebellion — something an Enid Blyton character would do while running away from someone they didn’t like very much. It’s not something I generally think to do… well, at all really, as a 32 year old man, and so I tend not to pepper my online utterances with tongueface smileys at any time other than when I am clearly mocking someone and need to make it abundantly clear that I’m not actually being mean. I will confess to making a fair amount of use of the good old-fashioned smiley face emoticon, but that’s about it. (I don’t even use “XD”, whose usage annoys me for much the same reasons as “lol” does.)

I am sure I am overthinking this, and that the tongueface smiley has somewhat transcended its associations with Enid Blyton characters, but I still find it oddly jarring when I see it somewhere that it just doesn’t seem to belong. So again, I urge you, before you send that message, just read it out loud and make all the facial expressions you said you were making. If it feels weird to stick your tongue out… maybe take that particular colon-P out, hmm?

#oneaday Day 963: Being an Attempt to Rescue the English Language from the Imbeciles who Pervert it So

I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this post, as I know for a fact that most of the people who follow this blog, whether they’re regular commenters or not, are literate and perfectly capable of using the English language correctly. I just thought it would be fun to have a whinge about some of my pet peeves with regard to English usage… or lack thereof.

I’m not entirely sure what it is about the Internet that makes people’s English usage so much worse. The world has plenty of intelligent people in it, yet if you were to go solely by Internet comment sections it would be hard to believe that. I know intelligence is a much more complicated equation than simple spelling, punctuation and grammar — and there are specific learning difficulties such as dyslexia to bear in mind — but the fact is, technology should make it easier than ever to write things technically perfectly. So why do people not bother?

Laziness, usually, or a desire to get whatever is in their head out into the digital domain as quickly as possible. Most people would be quick to blame social media for this one, with the presence of “Like” and “Comment” buttons on pretty much everything these days encouraging people to spew their facile musings all over things they really have no knowledge of whatsoever. But it’s actually a much older problem that, most likely, stems from more real-time forms of communication such as chatrooms. “a/s/l” is a linguistic object of ridicule these days, but in the early days of Internet communication it was an essential part of the “introductions” process when entering a new chatroom. (For those who don’t actually know what it stands for, it’s asking everyone present what their age, sex and location is.)

Chatrooms often got very busy, and it thus became important for people to be able to make themselves heard as quickly as possible. Consequently, a lot of the abbreviations we use (and/or ridicule) regularly today entered popular usage. Some had been around for a while; others had changed their usage significantly, occasionally leading to comic misunderstandings when one speaker thinks that “LOL” means “lots of love” and the other thinks it means “laughing out loud”.

This is no excuse, though! Proper English usage when addressing another person online is, to me, a sign of respect. If you don’t take the care to spell and punctuate correctly when addressing someone, to me that says that you don’t think they’re worth more than the bare minimum amount of time it takes to bang out a furious, cackhanded message and then switch to another tab to, I don’t know, watch some porn or play FarmVille or something. (Or both. The mind boggles at that possibility.)

Anyway, rambling explanation over, allow me to present the crimes against the English language that irritate me the most at present. If you are guilty of any of these, please stop being guilty of them, because they all make you look like a bit of a tool.

(Oh, before I go on, my day job requires me to write in American English so I am not going to cover any of the silly things they do with English, such as misusing the words “momentarily”, “solicitor” and “patronise”.)

1. “LOL” is not a substitute for punctuation.

I’ve lost the original Facebook post (not by me, I hasten to add) where I first became aware of this obnoxious usage of “lol”, but it happens all too frequently, particularly in comment sections. “LOL” is not a substitute for a comma, full stop, semicolon or indeed any punctuation mark.

To judge whether or not using “LOL” is appropriate, read the thing you have just typed out loud. Did you laugh out loud when you got to the “LOL”? If not, remove it and replace it with an appropriate punctuation mark. In fact, even if you did laugh out loud, please remove it and replace it with an appropriate punctuation mark.

2. It’s “definitely”, not “definately” or “defiantly”.

Definitely. Definitely. It’s not that difficult a word to spell. It’s no “accommodation” or “antidisestablishmentarianism” and it’s certainly no “floccinaucinihilipilification”. So stop fucking it up.

Also, every time you use “defiantly” instead of “definitely”, you are significantly changing the meaning of your sentence. Compare and contrast the sentences “I will definitely do the chores” to “I will defiantly do the chores”. One is a nice assurance that you will do the things expected of you; the other suggests that you are going to be an arse about it.

3. Games (and drugs) are “addictive”, not “addicting”.

“Addicting” is a word, but not in the way you think it is used. Angry Birds is not “addicting”, it is “addictive”. “Addicting” is a verb. “Addictive” is an adjective. Observe:

“I am addicting my little sister to Angry Birds because it is better than crack. She finds crack worryingly addictive.”

(Note: I do not have a little sister, and no-one I know is addicted or in the process of being addicted to crack. Also, Angry Birds is shit and I would rather my hypothetical little sister were addicted to crack than play that bollocks.*)

In fact, no. The word “addicting” is a surprisingly difficult verb to put into a sentence without it sounding stupid. So just stop using it. Addictive. Addictive. Got it?

4. When you write in lower case, you look like an imbecile.

I know professional writers who write everything — blog posts, status updates, comments, even their own name — in lower case when they’re “off duty”. It makes them look like imbeciles. I don’t think I need to say anything more than that. The Shift key is right there. Your little finger is probably hovering over it anyway as you type, so stop being so fucking lazy and use it.

5. This review is “biased”, not “bias”.

I’ll grant that speaking like a twat is something of a meme on the Internet, but any time you accuse something you read of “being bias”, you look like a complete cock. An article exhibits bias if it is biased. Not the other way round. Or any other arrangement.

If you can’t remember the difference, how about you just say you disagree with what you have read rather than accusing it of “being bias”? Or, better yet, just close that webpage before clicking the “comment” button?

6. Apostrophes denote possession, not plurals.

CDs. GCSEs. Sofas. Not CD’s, GCSE’s and sofa’s. Under no circumstances are you to use an apostrophe to denote something is a plural. Why? Because it’s wrong, that’s why. Even when using an abbreviation. And even when the word you are pluralising ends with a vowel, which appears to be when this issue more commonly raises its ugly head.

Related note: “it’s” is short for “it is”, while “its” means “belonging to it”. This is, I’ll admit, a particularly stupid rule, since it breaks the “apostrophes denote possession” rule by overruling it with the “apostrophes also denote missing letters” rule. Stupid language.

7. If you’re going to swear, just swear.

You’re not protecting anyone’s innocence by writing “f**k”. Everyone knows you mean “fuck”. If you’re going to censor naughty language, censor it completely. If you’re going to make it clear what all the words you’ve asterisked out are, then you may as well just type them all out properly, you f**king c**t-faced w**ksplat, you t*sser, you kn*bjockey, you complete twunting sh*tbag b*****d. (“Twunting” is not a swear, despite it sounding like it should be.)

8. You’re a twat if your knowledge of “your” and “you’re” is poor.

As Ross from Friends put it so succinctly: “Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are’. Y-O-U-R means ‘your’!”

Read your sentence out loud. Could one of your “yours” be replaced by the words “you are”? If so, you should be using “you’re” instead.

Here’s an exercise. See if you can spot which ones are correct and which ones are not.

1. You’re mum’s face smells of poo.
2. Your not very good at this, are you?
3. You’re defiantly going to get some of these wrong.
4. Get you’re f**king words right lol
5. You’re very brave if you successfully managed to navigate your way through those monstrosities.

9. Have fun!

Above all, have fun with language!

Actually, no, bollocks to that. Learn to write properly first, then have fun with it.

(Author’s note: Any indication that I am a pompous grammar Nazi in this post is entirely intentional and mostly played for comedy value. Mostly. Comments that do not follow the above rules will be printed out and fired into the sun, then deleted.*)

* not really

#oneaday, Day 186: How To Laugh On The Internet

The acronym “LOL”, originally short for “laughing out loud” has lost all meaning. This is entirely thanks to Internet denizens who believe it is an adequate substitute for any punctuation mark ever. It’s true. Try it sometime. Don’t forget to strip out all capital letters.

“Would you like to go to the shops?” becomes “would u like to go 2 the shops lol”

“I went to the shops to buy some butter, but they had run out.” becomes “I went 2 the shops 2 buy sum butter lol but they had run out lol”

“Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this sun of York; / all the clouds that lour’d upon our house / In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.” becomes “now is da winta of our discontent lol made golrius summer by dis sun of york lol all da clouds that lourd upon our house lol in da deep bosom of da ocean buried lol”

Ouch, that actually hurt.

Anyway, the fact is, “LOL” is meaningless. Coming up quickly behind it in the meaningless stakes are other acronyms such as “LMAO” and “PMSL”. So I feel, Internet, it is time to educate you in the ways of laughter which uses more characters but is infinitely more expressive. You’ll find there’s a laugh for every occasion.

“Hehe”

Mild amusement. This can be used for something that was only intended to be a little bit funny, or perhaps something that you didn’t find that funny yourself but don’t want to offend the other person by not laughing at it. It’s also less girly than some other alternatives. An optional trailing full stop may be added.

CORRECT USAGE: “I thought I’d forgotten my keys earlier. But they were in my pocket the whole time!” — “Hehe”

INCORRECT USAGE: “YARR HARR FIDDLEDEDEE, BEING A PIRATE IS ALL RIGHT TO BE! DO WHAT YOU WANT CAUSE A PIRATE IS FREE, YOU ARE A PIRATE!” — “Hehe”

“Heehee”

Flirtatious laughter. Perhaps someone has said something a little bit contentious or naughty and you want to giggle with them. “Heehee” is the perfect laugh for this purpose.

CORRECT USAGE: “Well, we went back to her house and then, well, I’m sure you can imagine what happened…” — “Heehee”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Lindsay Lohan is like a child with ADD! Neither of them can finish a sentence!” — “Heehee”

“Teehee”

The naughty laugh. An upgrade from “heehee”, often used when slagging someone off behind their back, making illicit plans or making thinly-veiled references to something filthy the two of you—or indeed someone you mutually know—got up to recently.

CORRECT USAGE: “Well, last night certainly didn’t suck… but someone sure did.” — “Teehee”

INCORRECT USAGE: “The Master is rising! And soon the world will be ours!” — “Teehee”

“Haha(hahahahahahahahahahahahaha)”

The all-purpose “that’s funny” laugh. The minimum number of “ha”s is two, otherwise it’s a “Ha!” which is not a laugh at all, more a triumphant call of… something. The more “ha”s which are added to the end of the “haha”, the funnier the thing is. “Haha” is mildly funny. “Hahahahahahahahahaha” is extremely funny. Optional additions may include all-caps or exclamation marks. These are both intensifiers.

CORRECT USAGE (mildly funny thing): “Knock knock.” — “Who’s there?” — “Doctor.” — “Doctor who?” — “You just said it!” — “Haha”

CORRECT USAGE (exceedingly funny thing): “[insert most things that @DRUNKHULK says on Twitter]” — “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Sir. The rebels have been crushed!” — “Haha”

“Mehehe(hehehehehe)”

The “mildly evil” laugh. Are you about to do something that’s wrong, and you just don’t care? Are you talking smack about someone? Have you made plans to do something which may cause mild embarrassment, discomfort or itching to a third party? Have you just witnessed something unfortunate occurring to someone you don’t like much? Then this is the laugh for you. The number of “hehe”s on the end may again be varied. All-caps and exclamation marks are not usually added to an instance of a “mehehehehe”.

CORRECT USAGE: “I’m going to invite them over, but then I won’t answer the door!” — “Mehehehehe”

INCORRECT USAGE: “A man walks into a bar and says ‘ouch!'” — “Mehehehehe”

“Mwahaha(hahahahaha)”

The “moderately evil” laugh. Are you about to do something very wrong? Or perhaps you’re joking about doing something wrong that you’d never actually do but think would be quite entertaining, if evil, if you did? Have you successfully got one up on someone you moderately-to-extremely dislike? Then this is the laugh for you, complete with variable-length “hahahaha” on the end. All-caps and exclamation marks may be adopted for this laugh if appropriate, depending on the evility of the situation. However, in extremely evil situations, consider upgrading to “Muhahahahahaha!”

CORRECT USAGE: “And then I told her ‘by the way, your skirt is TOTALLY tucked into your panties’. She looked mortified!” — “Mwahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Aww, look at that cute little kitten!” — “Mwahahaha!”

Not to be confused with “Mwah”, which is blowing a kiss.

“Muhahahahahahaha!”

The “very evil” laugh. You are an evil overlord, emperor or other figure who strikes fear into the hearts of your enemies. You are either about to do something terribly evil, have just done something terribly evil or take delight revelling in your evil-ness. Whatever the reason, this laugh is part of your arsenal of verbal weapons with which you may strike fear into the aforementioned hearts of your aforementioned enemies, along with sentences such as “I am afraid it is YOU who are mistaken” and “No, Mr Protagonist, I expect you to die”. All-caps and exclamation marks are frequently applied for intensification purposes.

CORRECT USAGE: “MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Oh look, your baby cousin is smiling for the first time!” — “MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

DISCLAIMER: I am not aware of any legitimate historical evidence which quotes Hitler as saying “MUHAHAHAHAHA!” But I bet he did.

“Bahahahahaha!”

The belly laugh. This is a hearty chuckle at something you find genuinely amusing. The kind of laugh that Father Christmas or a Viking would use whilst sitting in front of a roaring log fire. Works well with a smoker’s cough.

CORRECT USAGE: “I want a bicycle like in E.T. so I can follow you through the skies, Santa!” — “Bahahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “That duck just fell over.” — “Bahahahahaha!”

“Gahahahahahahaha!”

The Brian Blessed laugh. I don’t think anything else needs to be said about this one. Usually combined with all-caps and exclamation marks.

CORRECT USAGE: “CRY HAVOC! AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “I posted a rude message on that forum.” — “GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Kyahahahahaha!”

The witch’s laugh. An evil cackle if ever there was one. Doesn’t really work when men do it. Even evil wizards don’t tend to go “kyahahahahaha”.

CORRECT USAGE: “And now, my pretties, into the pot you go! Kyahahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Do you remember that time my pants fell down?” — “Kyahahahahaha!”

So as you can see, there is a laugh for pretty much any situation. I trust this will be the last time I ever see you using acronyms to represent laughter and/or punctuation.

Please feel free to share any additional variants you may be aware of in the comments.