I have a LinkedIn account. It is one of those things that people recommend you have. And yet I don’t think I have ever used it. Not for finding a job, not for “professional networking” and certainly not for socialising. In fact, I find the whole thing massively irritating.

The thing that irks me so much about LinkedIn is that the people who do actually use it are inevitably the sort of greasy smarmballs who refer to themselves as “entrepreneurs” and “gurus” (neither of those are jobs; sorry to burst your bubble) and run “startups”. They communicate exclusively in that particularly annoying brand of business-speak that gave us such awful additions to the English language as “monetise” and “leverage” used as a verb.

That’s not all, though. LinkedIn itself perpetually bombards you with emails about what’s “hot” on their network each week, and again, the articles linked to are almost certainly written by people who woke up one day, decided they were an expert on “business” and promptly started vomiting their thoughts all over the Internet.

This sort of thing occasionally spills over onto other social networks, particularly Google+, which appears to harbour a healthy number of LinkedIn refugees. You can spot one of these people’s posts a mile off — they’re inevitably an image post featuring some sort of “inspirational” image, and the accompanying text usually makes the person posting the image sound like they’re a 50-year old discovering Imgur for the first time.

But I digress.

No, I find LinkedIn utterly useless because no-one I have come into contact with on there appears to use it for… well, anything at all, really. I have a “professional network” that is, apparently, 236 “connections” strong, and yet I have never spoken to any of them on LinkedIn. Many of them I speak to daily on Twitter and Facebook, which leaves LinkedIn rather — if you’ll pardon the employment-related pun — redundant. The people I have as connections on LinkedIn who I don’t speak to daily on Twitter and Facebook are generally people whose mobile apps I might have reviewed once in the past, and this apparently makes me a “professional connection”, even if I slated their app for being shit. (I did that a fair bit; there’s a lot of shit out there.)

I find myself wondering why I keep an account open at that God-forsaken website, but everyone I mention it to seems to think that you “must” have a LinkedIn account these days, otherwise you’re some sort of unemployable nobody. I guess if nothing else it provides a reasonably convenient means of creating an electronic CV that can be easily shared with employers. The Recommendations thing is a good idea in theory, too — though the fact that they don’t show up on your “public” profile, only to people who have actually added you as a connection is irritating — but these appear to have been superseded by “endorsements” whereby people who remember to log in to LinkedIn every so often click through a few automatic prompts to confirm that yes, I do indeed have skills in “Facebook” and “iOS”, without even thinking about it.

Basically, LinkedIn represents all that is wrong with the social Web. It’s full of self-important imbeciles who believe they are the ones who know how the world works, and that everyone else is wrong. It’s utterly vapid and useless to 95% of the population, and the other 5% you probably wouldn’t want to speak to anyway.

So yeah. Fuck LinkedIn.