In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Obstacle Course.”

In yesterday’s look at the sad archive that Plinky.com has become, I stumbled across the fact that WordPress.com now has a “Daily Post” writing prompt. I’m not hugely involved with the overall WordPress community, really, but thought this might be an interesting means of finding some new people — or at the very least, providing myself with some inspiration on what to write day in, day out.

This is today’s prompt, then:

Think about what you wanted to accomplish last week. Did you? What are the things that hold you back from doing everything you’d like to do?

Well, this is going to be a fairly bleak post as I’m in a fairly bleak mood today, but as regular readers will know, sometimes the act of getting those thoughts and feelings out onto the page can prove to be a form of “therapy” in their own right. So we’ll see. Expect honesty.

No, I did not accomplish what I wanted to accomplish last week, though this is partly due to the fact that I didn’t really have anything I wanted to accomplish last week. The trouble I have at the moment is that I’m just sort of “drifting” with occasional freelance work and nothing concrete to occupy my time and thoughts day after day.

In some ways, this is pleasant. Not having any “commitments” as such means that I can essentially do what I want to do, though it’s not long before anxieties over things like money start creeping in and making me feel that I should be doing “more”. More what, I’m not exactly sure, to be honest; the feeling that overtakes me at these times is always simply “you should be doing more” without any specifics attached.

Let’s ponder the things I did achieve, at least: since the Slimming World job I mentioned a few posts back isn’t going to happen for the moment (I need to be a bit closer to my target before I’ll be considered, which is fair enough) I applied to another job. Just a part-time job in retail, so nothing particularly exciting, special or indeed well-paid, but if I’m successful it will be something that provides at least a bit of reasonably predictable income each month that I can use to support the sporadic freelancing I’ve been doing. From there I can decide if I want to pursue that in more depth and attempt to make a career out of it — probably not, but we’ll see — or if I simply want to keep it as one of several things I have on the go at once. I’m inclined to think that the way I can be “happiest” (for want of a better term) is to have a number of different things to do rather than getting bored and frustrated with just one thing — or, worse, getting bored and frustrated with nothing.

One of the awkward things, though, is the fact that I’ve picked up some piano pupils and have been enjoying teaching them so far — and both they and their parents seem to like me, too. This in itself isn’t awkward, of course, but with the current timing of the lessons I have with them, it would make a “regular” job on “normal” hours a little tricky on the day of the week when I teach them. This is proving to be a bit of a mental block for me, to be honest; the prospect of either having to tell a prospective employer that I can’t work on a specific day after a specific time is anxiety-inducing, and at the other end of the spectrum, the prospect of having to juggle around commitments that I’ve already made is also anxiety-inducing. Still, it’s a bridge I will no doubt cross if I ever reach it.

Other achievements? Well, I lost another pound. Slow and steady wins the race, as they say; some people in our Slimming World group aren’t particularly satisfied if they “only” lose a pound in a week, but me? Having not been able to lose any weight for years and now consistently losing at least one pound every week, I’m happy with that. It’s one of the very few things I feel that is going right at the moment, so I cling onto these small victories for all they’re worth.

To answer the second part of the question, then, I think it’s probably pretty clear from what I’ve already written above that the thing holding me back the most from achieving things is anxiety. I had been taking anti-anxiety meds for a little while, though I don’t feel like they’d been having much effect. On reflection, though, now I’ve run out, it’s quite possible that the way I’m feeling today is proof that they had been doing at least something; if not alleviating the anxiety altogether, then at least keeping it at bay somewhat. I’m going to attempt to make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning and refresh my supply to see if that helps. I would look into proper therapy, too, but while I don’t have a stable income the prospect of having to pay up for that, ironically, fills me with further anxiety.

So all in all, then, things are a bit fucked at the moment. My “obstacle course” doesn’t feel like it’s altogether fair; it feels like I’m surrounded on all sides by impassable objects, and the only way past them is to do something difficult, unpleasant or outright painful. It’s a rubbish feeling and I sincerely hope it passes soon.

For now, though, it’s an evening of stewing in my own bleakness, I guess; it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. Thanks, as always, for giving ear to my problems, and I hope that one day — preferably soon — I have something a bit more positive to share with you all.