1658: Automobile

I bought a new car today. Like, an actually new one, not a “new for me” car. I didn’t go out with the intention of purchasing a pretty much brand new (16 miles on the clock) car, but that’s the way things went after being presented with a good deal by our local Toyota garage.

Yes, I am (hopefully) about to be the proud owner of a new Toyota Yaris. Not the most exciting car in the world, for sure, but out of the several cars I took for a test-drive today, it was by far the most comfortable, spacious and pleasant to drive. Also it has a magic computer thing in the centre console that includes a rear-view camera with overlays to assist with reverse-parking. Fortunate, since 1) I am bad at reverse-parking and 2) my new job, which starts at the end of the month, requires me to reverse-park in the staff car park.

To be honest, I’ve been kind of mildly blown away by how much cars have advanced since I last had one of my own. I’ve been driving Andie’s car (I can call it that now, rather than “our car”) off and on and have found it thoroughly pleasant to drive, and thus had some familiarity with what was now “standard” in cars, but looking around today really drove the point home: I used to drive some shit vehicles.

Actually, that’s not altogether true; most of the cars I’ve driven over the years were perfectly acceptable at the time, but various bits of automotive technology and engineering have moved on considerably since then. To put this in context, the cars I’ve driven to date have included a G-reg Rover Metro that belonged to my mother; an L-reg no-frills Fiesta which blew up on the way to work one morning; a slightly-but-not-by-much-younger Escort that was actually pretty awesome due to the fact it had a fairly powerful engine, a “sports” exhaust and a spoiler, but which I knocked one of the mirrors off by dropping a bookshelf on it (don’t ask); and a 2001 Peugeot 106 that used to belong to my mother and which was subsequently donated to me, shortly before it decided that the Right Thing to Do would be to occasionally, inexplicably, fill up one or both of the front seat footwells with water, despite there being no visible place from which a leak had sprung.

None of these cars were awful per se (aside from when they broke) but, compared to the stuff I looked at today, all were pretty primitive. All of them had simple tape decks, for example — though I replaced the stereos in both the Fiesta and the Escort with something a bit more badass — and none of them had anything that could reasonably be described as a “computer”. Contrast with the Yaris, then, which has a touchscreen console from which you can access the radio, frighteningly detailed trip data (with graphs and everything), a Bluetooth connection to my phone for hands-free phone calls (not that I ever make or answer any) and music playing (much more “useful”) and some other bits and pieces besides. Plus the aforementioned camera, which is pretty awesome.

The car itself isn’t a particularly speedy little number, but it’s economical — important, since I’ll be commuting a reasonable distance to work each day — plus comfortable and pleasant to drive. There’s a nice view through the windscreen from the driver’s seat, and the brief test drive suggested that it would be a pleasure to drive, although I will have to adjust to the bizarreness that is having six gears. Six! What am I supposed to do with all those? At least it has a handy “shift up” indicator to remind me!

Anyway, assuming all the credit and whatnot goes through, I should have it by next weekend. Expect further enthusing then.

1459: What the Person in That Car is Trying to Say

During particularly long and boring drives — down a particularly tedious stretch of motorway, for example — I often find my mind wandering in various ways, pondering various subjects.

One of the things that occasionally pops into my head is a sort of “what if?” scenario about how communication between vehicles could work. If you’ve ever played a ’90s or ’00s space sim, you’ll know that it’s implied that most spacecraft have an always-open communication channel allowing them to be hailed by other pilots and installations, and it always feels fairly natural.

Were we to have an equivalent for our roadgoing vehicles today, the results would be anything but natural, since it would provide those with road rage with the ability to directly yell at people without having to stop and get out of their car, and it would also open the real world up to griefing and trolling. Of course, it might also facilitate helpful communication, but, well, the Internet has taught me to be something of a pessimist when it comes to forms of communication.

But if we consider the way that people in cars communicate with each other now, it’s clear that there’s something of a problem. Allow me to elaborate.

What is happening: The brake lights on the car in front of you are flickering.
What it means: The car in front is being driven by an old person.
Or: The car in front is suffering from a loose connection to its brake lights.
Or: The driver of the car in front isn’t quite comfortable with exactly how hard you need to press the brake pedal to keep it under control.
Or: The driver of the car in front is trying to send you some sort of message using Morse code.

What is happening: The car in front is continuing to drive forwards, but it has put its hazard warning flashers on.
What it means: There is a hazard.
Or: The car in front has broken down and is coasting to a smooth stop.
Or: “Thank you.”
Or: “Fuck you.”
Or: If the car in front is of German origin and costs more than £10,000, this also means “I am parking here,” regardless of whether parking is permitted here.

What is happening: The car in front is approaching a junction and its indicators are not flashing.
What it means: The car in front is going straight on.
Or: If the car in front is of German origin and costs more than £10,000, this may mean “I am turning left” or “I am turning right”.

What is happening: The car behind you is flashing its headlights.
What it means: “Hello!”
Or: “You’re going too slowly.”
Or: “You’re going too fast.”
Or: “Thank you.”
Or: “Fuck you.”
Or: “Look at my headlights, I bought them at Halfords, aren’t they bright?”
Or: “You should probably turn on your headlights, it is dark after all and I nearly ran into the back of you, you cretin.”

What is happening: The driver of the car in front is making a gesture that looks like he is tenderly stroking two invisible, curved penises.
What it means: I have no fucking idea, but I saw this once and it’s haunted me ever since.

#oneaday Day 58: Things To Do in a Traffic Jam

I like driving. It’s fun. Whether you’re negotiating twisty-turny country lanes, putting your foot to the floor on a motorway or simply contemplating the fact that you’re actually sitting in a chair that is moving at 70 miles per hour (seriously, that’s pretty mind-boggling when you consider the speed the other chairs in your life don’t move at) driving is, for the most part, a pleasurable experience for those who enjoy using cars for the purpose they were designed for. (Obviously those who don’t like driving or are scared of it are exempt from the above.)

There’s one thing sure to spoil any nice drive, though: a traffic jam. They’re a pain in the arse whether they come in the form of backed-up traffic over a narrow hump-backed bridge due to a lost sheep standing bewildered in the middle of a single-track road, gridlock in a town centre or one of those inexplicable jams that form on a motorway, force everyone to sit stationary for approximately 500 years then start moving again with absolutely no trace of whatever caused the jam at the front of it.

So that’s why it’s important to have a repertoire of entertainment ready. Those of you with kids will have probably played I-Spy to death. But you don’t always have kids with you, and indeed sometimes you’re all by yourself. So here is a selection of Things to Do in a Traffic Jam, with some suitable for solo play, others suitable for a party of disgruntled passengers to join in with.

Rev-Counter Roulette

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Stationary
Danger level: Mild peril

Put your car in neutral or at the very least, push the clutch all the way down. Players take a moment to place their bets from 1-whatever your rev counter goes up to. (Obviously you need a rev counter to play this.) When everyone has placed a bet, quickly press the accelerator pedal as hard as you like (or not). Whoever bet the closest to the highest point your rev counter reached wins and gets a travel sweet and/or the opportunity to punch everyone else in the face.

Gangster Trip-Meter

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: None

Agree a timeframe appropriate for the speed of the traffic. If it is moving a bit, five minutes. If it is going very slowly, perhaps ten minutes. Set your car’s trip meter to zero and set a timer for the timeframe you decided. Place bets on what the trip meter will read at the end of the timeframe. Whoever bet the closest to the final result wins.

Optional rule: whoever bet furthest away from the final result has to remove an item of clothing, which makes the following game much more interesting if it’s cold.

Master of Elements

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Any
Danger level: Slim to none

Depending on the ambient temperature, set the car’s heating system to whatever will be most uncomfortable and turn the fan up to full. If it’s very cold, you may also wish to open all the windows. The first person to complain that it’s too hot/too cold/too windy is the loser and gets ridiculed by everyone else and/or punched in the face.

Optional rule: Strip rules may also be added to this game. Depending on the temperature, this may be a benefit or a handicap.

Frogger

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Moderate

Set yourself a time limit appropriate for the amount of traffic and the speed it is moving. For heavy and/or stationary traffic, use a longer time limit. In the time limit attempt to change lanes from the inside to the outside lane as many times as possible.

Warning: Playing this game will cause most other members of the traffic jam to think you are a complete dick. If you are driving a BMW or Mercedes, you can play this game without fear, as people will expect you to be driving like that anyway.

The World’s Slowest Drag Race

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Mild peril

Set yourself a time limit and choose a target in another lane. Don’t choose a BMW or Mercedes, or anyone who is obviously playing Frogger, because they’ll change lanes a lot. Start the clock and see who is further ahead at the end of the time limit.

If you’re driving in convoy with other people, you can play this with the other convoy members. Passengers in the losing car have to perform forfeits such as getting their bums out.

#oneaday, Day 190: The Highway Code Errata

It has come to our attention that there are a number of sections of The Highway Code which state rules incorrectly. This document is designed to correct these mistakes.

Rules for Pedestrians

ITEM 1 – “Footways or footpaths (including any path along the side of a road) should be used if provided.” should read “Footways or footpaths are optional for use when intoxicated.”
ITEM 4 – “Young children should not be out alone on the footway, footpath or road.” should have “unless you can’t be bothered to look after them yourself” added.
ITEM 13 – “Routes shared with cyclists”. This rule is obsolete. Pedestrians may go wherever they want regardless of anyone else.

Rules for Cyclists

ITEM 69 – “You MUST obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals” should read “You MUST NOT obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals”.
ITEM 71 – “You MUST NOT cross the stop line when the traffic lights are red” should read “You MUST cross the stop line when the traffic lights are red, particularly if there are pedestrians on a crossing.”

Rules for Motorcyclists

ITEM 88 – “You should be aware of what is behind and to the sides before manoeuvring” should read “Manoeuvring may be done at any time regardless of your surroundings. THINK BIKE, is what everyone else should be thinking.”

Rules for Drivers and Motorcyclists

ITEM 91 – “the most effective ways to counter sleepiness are to drink, for example, two cups of caffeinated coffee and to take a short nap (up to 15 minutes)” should be in bold, red print.
ITEM 97 – “[Before setting off you should ensure that] you have switched off your mobile phone” should read “your mobile phone is within moderately-easy reach and is not attached to a hands-free kit, particularly if driving a car of German origin.”
ADDENDUM – “Drivers of cars of German origin have a special function, normally occupied by the hazard warning lights. Simply activate these lights to be legally permitted to park anywhere you like, however inconvenient it may be to other users and whether or not it is otherwise legal to do so.”

Traffic Signs

“No Overtaking” should read “No Overtaking unless you think you can take them”.
“Maximum speed” should read “Minimum speed”
“No entry for vehicular traffic” should read “No entry for vehicular traffic, except you, because you’re special.”
“One-way traffic” should read “One-way traffic recommended, but optional”.
“No waiting” and “No stopping” should both have “unless you are driving a Mercedes, BMW or Audi and put on your hazard lights” added.
“Loose chippings” should read “Wheelspin zone”.
“STOP” should read “GO”.
“GO” should read “STOP”.
“No vehicles carrying explosives” should read “WTF are you, a terrorist?”
“No U-turns” should read “U-turns permitted for German cars only”.
“Steep hill downwards” should read “Step on it!”
“Steep hill upwards” should read “Step on it!”
“Cattle”, “Wild animals” and “Wild horses or ponies” should all read “OMG AMINALS”.
“Queues likely” should read “Queues guaranteed”.
“Humps for 1 mile” should read “Innuendo ahead”.
“Hump bridge” should read “Dogging hotspot ahead”.
“Risk of ice” should read “You work it out”.

Thank you for your understanding. An updated edition of the Code will be printed and released shortly.