#oneaday, Day 182: The Game of Life

Gamers—be they the video- or roleplaying- variety—have a tendency to think things through in terms of their favourite hobby. This is perhaps best exemplified by the EpicWin app I discussed a few days ago. In fact, I’m astonished that no-one has thought to do that kind of thing before. Given that every single boring-as-hell social game that infests Facebook right now has its reward mechanic tied to experience points, it’s curious that no-one has previously thought to apply this to the real world.

With that in mind, I’d like to present a situation that I encountered earlier today in the style of an event log from a rather tedious-sounding game.

—

You are sitting at your computer.

?>LOOK AT COMPUTER

The computer is on. The screen displays the Mac OS X desktop.

?>USE COMPUTER

For what?

?>PLAY A GAME ON THE COMPUTER

You decide to fire up Civilization IV.

You are Hungry.

?>STATUS

Pete, Lv 29 Nerd

HP: 489/521
MP: 12/90

Status: Hungry

Would you like more information?>NO

?>WEST

You are in a corridor. The front door is to the south. The corridor continues to the west and north. There is a door to the north-west.

There is a bunch of keys here.

?>WEST

You are in the living room. The kitchen is to the north-east. The corridor is to the east.

?>NE

You are in the kitchen.

There is a fridge here.

There is a cupboard here.

?>OPEN CUPBOARD

You open the cupboard.

You see:
crisps

?>TAKE CRISPS

Taken.

?>EAT CRISPS

You eat the crisps. They’re tasty, but a bit dry in your mouth.

You are no longer Hungry.

You are Thirsty.

?>OPEN FRIDGE

You open the fridge.

?>LOOK IN FRIDGE

The fridge is pretty bare.

There is a jam jar here.

?>TAKE JAM JAR

You don’t feel like you need the jam jar for anything right now.

Your throat is dry.

?>LOOK IN FRIDGE

The fridge is pretty bare.

There is a jam jar here.

?>HINT

There’s nothing to drink in the house… maybe you should go find something somewhere else?

?>SW

Living room.

?>E

Corridor.

?>S

The front door is closed.

?>OPEN DOOR

You open the front door.

?>S

You exit the front door and let it slam shut behind you.

It occurs to you that you might not be carrying your keys.

?>INVENTORY

You are carrying:
iPhone
Wallet

You are not carrying your keys.

?>SHIT

There’s no need for that sort of language.

?>FUCK

Who do you want to FUCK?

?>YOUR MOM

Let’s not be immature.

You are afflicted with Mild Annoyance.

?>LOOK

You’re in a hallway. Your front door lies to the north. The corridor continues to the east.

?>OPEN DOOR

The door’s not locked, but it is stuck.

?>OPEN DOOR

It’s still stuck.

?>OPEN DOOR

You can’t open it.

You are afflicted with Irritation.

?>E

You walk down the corridor and exit your block.

You’re outside your block. You can see your bedroom window from here. To the south is the alcove that holds the block’s dumpsters.

Your bedroom window is slightly ajar.

You’re really thirsty.

?>OPEN WINDOW

You can’t reach it. It’s on the first floor.

?>CLIMB WINDOW

You can’t climb the window.

?>LOOK AT WINDOW

The window is a good certain-number-of-feet-that-is-too-far-to-reach metres off the ground. There are iron railings in front of it. There is also a narrow ledge leading along to it, and a drainpipe running up the wall next to it.

?>CLIMB DRAINPIPE

DEX check: Failed (Impossible)

You take 7 damage from Thirst.

?>CLIMB DRAINPIPE

DEX check: Failed (Impossible)

?>LOOK AT LEDGE

It looks narrow enough to shimmy along. But your throat tightens at the thought of doing something pretty dangerous like that. Also, it’s broad daylight. You don’t really want to get the police involved.

?>CLIMB ON LEDGE

WIS check: Success

You think doing this would be a really bad idea, so you decide not to.

?>HINT

You can’t reach the window. Perhaps you should climb on something?

?>CLIMB DRAINPIPE

DEX check: Failed (Impossible)

?>S

You push your way through the jungle of trash and find yourself in the dumpster alcove.

There are some dumpsters here.

?>PUSH DUMPSTER

CON check: Failed

You reach out to grab a dumpster, but the sheer volume of rubbish in here makes you nauseous, so you run back out again.

You take 7 damage from Nausea.

?>INVENTORY

You are carrying:
iPhone
Wallet

?>PHONE LANDLORD

WIS check: Success

It’s Sunday. What do you think phoning them will achieve?

?>TEXT FRIENDS

About what?

?>ASK FRIENDS FOR LADDER

You text a selection of friends whom you think might have a ladder.

You are afflicted with Mild Panic.

?>STATUS

Pete, Lv 29 Nerd

HP: 475/521
MP: 8/90

Status: Thirsty, Irritation, Mild Panic

Would you like more information?>NO

?>WAIT

Time passes…

You take 7 damage from Thirst.

?>WAIT

Time passes…

You take 7 damage from Thirst.

You are low on MP.

You are afflicted with MURDEROUS RAGE!!

?>W

You enter your block. At least you don’t need a key to get inside the building.

Hallway.

?>N

The door is closed.

?>OPEN DOOR

Yep, still stuck.

?>OPEN DOOR

Yep, still stuck.

?>BASH DOOR

You attack the door.

You hit Door for 0 damage.

You take 1 damage.

?>BASH DOOR

You attack the door.

You hit Door for 0 damage.

You take 1 damage.

?>BASH DOOR

You attack the door.

You hit Door for 0 damage.

You take 1 damage.

?>BASH DOOR

You attack the door.

You hit Door for 0 damage.

You take 1 damage.

?>BASH DOOR

This doesn’t seem to be working, does it?

You take 2 damage from Stubbornness.

You are still afflicted with MURDEROUS RAGE!!

?>RAGE

You channel the force of your MURDEROUS RAGE!!

You feel stronger!

?>BASH DOOR

You attack the door. (+5 Strength from MURDEROUS RAGE!!)

Door takes 50 damage.

There is a crunching sound.

Door is afflicted with Open.

?>OPEN DOOR

It’s already open.

?>LOOK AT DOOR

Despite the crunching sound, you don’t appear to have done any damage to the lock or the door.

?>N

You slip inside before the door closes again.

Corridor.

?>TAKE KEYS

Taken.

If only you’d remembered these earlier.

?>S

The door slams shut behind you.

?>LOCK DOOR

You lock the door.

?>E

You leave your block, and head for the shops to buy some Coke.

*** YOU WIN! ***

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT?>QUIT

C:\EVILDOOR>_