Gamers—be they the video- or roleplaying- variety—have a tendency to think things through in terms of their favourite hobby. This is perhaps best exemplified by the EpicWin app I discussed a few days ago. In fact, I’m astonished that no-one has thought to do that kind of thing before. Given that every single boring-as-hell social game that infests Facebook right now has its reward mechanic tied to experience points, it’s curious that no-one has previously thought to apply this to the real world.
With that in mind, I’d like to present a situation that I encountered earlier today in the style of an event log from a rather tedious-sounding game.
—
You are sitting at your computer.
?>LOOK AT COMPUTER
The computer is on. The screen displays the Mac OS X desktop.
?>USE COMPUTER
For what?
?>PLAY A GAME ON THE COMPUTER
You decide to fire up Civilization IV.
You are Hungry.
?>STATUS
Pete, Lv 29 Nerd
HP: 489/521
MP: 12/90
Status: Hungry
Would you like more information?>NO
?>WEST
You are in a corridor. The front door is to the south. The corridor continues to the west and north. There is a door to the north-west.
There is a bunch of keys here.
?>WEST
You are in the living room. The kitchen is to the north-east. The corridor is to the east.
?>NE
You are in the kitchen.
There is a fridge here.
There is a cupboard here.
?>OPEN CUPBOARD
You open the cupboard.
You see:
crisps
?>TAKE CRISPS
Taken.
?>EAT CRISPS
You eat the crisps. They’re tasty, but a bit dry in your mouth.
You are no longer Hungry.
You are Thirsty.
?>OPEN FRIDGE
You open the fridge.
?>LOOK IN FRIDGE
The fridge is pretty bare.
There is a jam jar here.
?>TAKE JAM JAR
You don’t feel like you need the jam jar for anything right now.
Your throat is dry.
?>LOOK IN FRIDGE
The fridge is pretty bare.
There is a jam jar here.
?>HINT
There’s nothing to drink in the house… maybe you should go find something somewhere else?
?>SW
Living room.
?>E
Corridor.
?>S
The front door is closed.
?>OPEN DOOR
You open the front door.
?>S
You exit the front door and let it slam shut behind you.
It occurs to you that you might not be carrying your keys.
?>INVENTORY
You are carrying:
iPhone
Wallet
You are not carrying your keys.
?>SHIT
There’s no need for that sort of language.
?>FUCK
Who do you want to FUCK?
?>YOUR MOM
Let’s not be immature.
You are afflicted with Mild Annoyance.
?>LOOK
You’re in a hallway. Your front door lies to the north. The corridor continues to the east.
?>OPEN DOOR
The door’s not locked, but it is stuck.
?>OPEN DOOR
It’s still stuck.
?>OPEN DOOR
You can’t open it.
You are afflicted with Irritation.
?>E
You walk down the corridor and exit your block.
You’re outside your block. You can see your bedroom window from here. To the south is the alcove that holds the block’s dumpsters.
Your bedroom window is slightly ajar.
You’re really thirsty.
?>OPEN WINDOW
You can’t reach it. It’s on the first floor.
?>CLIMB WINDOW
You can’t climb the window.
?>LOOK AT WINDOW
The window is a good certain-number-of-feet-that-is-too-far-to-reach metres off the ground. There are iron railings in front of it. There is also a narrow ledge leading along to it, and a drainpipe running up the wall next to it.
?>CLIMB DRAINPIPE
DEX check: Failed (Impossible)
You take 7 damage from Thirst.
?>CLIMB DRAINPIPE
DEX check: Failed (Impossible)
?>LOOK AT LEDGE
It looks narrow enough to shimmy along. But your throat tightens at the thought of doing something pretty dangerous like that. Also, it’s broad daylight. You don’t really want to get the police involved.
?>CLIMB ON LEDGE
WIS check: Success
You think doing this would be a really bad idea, so you decide not to.
?>HINT
You can’t reach the window. Perhaps you should climb on something?
?>CLIMB DRAINPIPE
DEX check: Failed (Impossible)
?>S
You push your way through the jungle of trash and find yourself in the dumpster alcove.
There are some dumpsters here.
?>PUSH DUMPSTER
CON check: Failed
You reach out to grab a dumpster, but the sheer volume of rubbish in here makes you nauseous, so you run back out again.
You take 7 damage from Nausea.
?>INVENTORY
You are carrying:
iPhone
Wallet
?>PHONE LANDLORD
WIS check: Success
It’s Sunday. What do you think phoning them will achieve?
?>TEXT FRIENDS
About what?
?>ASK FRIENDS FOR LADDER
You text a selection of friends whom you think might have a ladder.
You are afflicted with Mild Panic.
?>STATUS
Pete, Lv 29 Nerd
HP: 475/521
MP: 8/90
Status: Thirsty, Irritation, Mild Panic
Would you like more information?>NO
?>WAIT
Time passes…
You take 7 damage from Thirst.
?>WAIT
Time passes…
You take 7 damage from Thirst.
You are low on MP.
You are afflicted with MURDEROUS RAGE!!
?>W
You enter your block. At least you don’t need a key to get inside the building.
Hallway.
?>N
The door is closed.
?>OPEN DOOR
Yep, still stuck.
?>OPEN DOOR
Yep, still stuck.
?>BASH DOOR
You attack the door.
You hit Door for 0 damage.
You take 1 damage.
?>BASH DOOR
You attack the door.
You hit Door for 0 damage.
You take 1 damage.
?>BASH DOOR
You attack the door.
You hit Door for 0 damage.
You take 1 damage.
?>BASH DOOR
You attack the door.
You hit Door for 0 damage.
You take 1 damage.
?>BASH DOOR
This doesn’t seem to be working, does it?
You take 2 damage from Stubbornness.
You are still afflicted with MURDEROUS RAGE!!
?>RAGE
You channel the force of your MURDEROUS RAGE!!
You feel stronger!
?>BASH DOOR
You attack the door. (+5 Strength from MURDEROUS RAGE!!)
Door takes 50 damage.
There is a crunching sound.
Door is afflicted with Open.
?>OPEN DOOR
It’s already open.
?>LOOK AT DOOR
Despite the crunching sound, you don’t appear to have done any damage to the lock or the door.
?>N
You slip inside before the door closes again.
Corridor.
?>TAKE KEYS
Taken.
If only you’d remembered these earlier.
?>S
The door slams shut behind you.
?>LOCK DOOR
You lock the door.
?>E
You leave your block, and head for the shops to buy some Coke.
*** YOU WIN! ***
Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT?>QUIT
C:\EVILDOOR>_