Hai, America. You know, I’ve been looking at you for a while and I thought, you know, you’re kinda cool and I wondered if you’d, you know, like to hang out some time, maybe, and get a coffee or something. Cause, you know, I, like, think you’re pretty cool. And stuff.

I’m serious! I like your food. You sure know how to do a good breakfast. It’s a breakfast worth getting up for in the morning. Sure, a typically British bacon sandwich is all very well and good, but there’s little that can beat a stack of pancakes, some waffles, some French toast or indeed the wonder that is Eggs Benedict, which I discovered the other morning after spending the night with you.

You know what else? And this is going to sound a bit weird, ’cause I wonder how many people compliment you on this, but I think your bread is awesome. Sure, you can get fancy-pants bread from fancy-pants bakeries in the UK, but your everyday sort of bread, the sort that you make everyday toast and sandwiches from? That’s functional at best, dry and sawdusty at worst. You make me appreciate a good sandwich. And I like sandwiches at the best of times. But you make me appreciate them more. I like that.

You also seem to have the art of the takeaway down to a fine art. We Britons of Britainland believe that we are the masters of the Chinese and Indian takeaways, but I can honestly say that I think yours are better. Your Indian curries are creamy and smooth and delicious, and your Chinese meals are full of flavour and they come in those awesome little cardboard boxes with the lids that are a good shape to eat the food straight from with a pair of chopsticks, instead of those foil trays with the cardboard lids that are always way too hot to put on your lap.

Since we’re being honest here, I don’t like how you use the word “an” before words that start with an “h”, which isn’t a vowel, and you spell “aluminium” wrong, not to mention your seeming aversion to the letters “u” and “s”. Also, as our beloved comedian Eddie Izzard says, “herb” is pronounced “herb” because “there’s a fucking ‘H’ in it”.

But you know what? I don’t care. I can accept your flaws because they make you more colorful (see what I did there?) and interesting. I can accept that you use the word “momentarily” different to the way I do, and I think it’s charming. All your sweet, nutty bread and pancakes and Hollandaise sauce on eggs and love of good coffee and ability to put free Wi-Fi hotspots in places other than Starbucks just make me think that, you know, you’re pretty sort of kind of cool and I think it’d be, you know, nice if we could, um, spend a bit more time together. If you know what I mean.