#oneaday Day 156: PrE3

LOS ANGELES, June 06, 2011 — GeneriCon is today proud to announce its announcement of an announcement at the world’s largest electronic entertainment expo — E3! The announcement is for a top secret project that will not be revealed at E3, but the announcement will not reveal what that project is — rather, it will reveal when to expect the announcement of the project!

“I’m tremendously excited about this announcement,” said Papa Bear, CEO of GeneriCon. “Our 15 years of experience at teasing the industry is sure to pay off this E3 when we build up to absolutely nothing of any substance whatsoever. They’ll be begging for more by the time we’re finished — but they’re not going to get it!”

GeneriCon’s announcement ceremony will feature a special appearance by the Cirque de la Lune, a fraternity of performing minstrels from Paragon City who have not yet realized that they are fictional constructs born from the imagination of massively multiplayer online RPG players. Supporting Cirque de la Lune will be a troupe of performing badgers and the worlds most synchronized brigade of elephants.

“The practice of announcing a new project at E3 is passé,” said Julian Ivanov, VP of Commercial, Corporate and Certifiable Communications. “We are revolutionizing the practice of announcements. After this E3, people will be wondering whether they should even bother attending the show in the first place, so little will actually be revealed on the show floor. But the answer is simple, of course — come to see our elephants.”

Visit GeneriCon’s booth on the show floor, booth number 6969, to see absolutely nothing whatsoever. Private media showings, including exclusive reveals, can be arranged by emailing [email protected].

ABOUT GENERICON

Founded in 1996 by the son of an advertising legend and a Belgian, GeneriCon has since proven itself to be a world leader in the field of PR and marketing teasers as well as having the highest staff turnover of any company in history. Despite ample coverage from the press, consumers have not yet noticed that the company is yet to release an actual product onto the market.

CAUTIONARY NOTE REGARDING FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTS

From time to time, GeneriCon may use statements such as “will”, “might”, “should”, “hope to”, “want to”, “intend to”, “will possibly”, “maybe might”, “probably”, “definitely will”, “definitely won’t”, “possibly will”, “almost certainly will”, “absolutely, positively, totally will”, “really wish we could”, “have extremely good intentions to”, or “think we might just”. These statements should not be taken as official confirmation of an intent to do anything at all and, in fact, it’s probably safer if you just ignore them altogether, just like you’re ignoring this whole paragraph because it waffles on forever and ever and doesn’t really make any sense. GeneriCon reserves the right to decline all knowledge of the use of any forward-looking statements at any time, even if they were on the record and appear on audio or visual evidence, because you probably just made it up because that’s what journalists do, isn’t it? Any use of forward-looking statements is not admissible in a court of law and is not an admission of liability should someone come to injury as a result of waiting for a non-existent product. All rights reserved, except the ones which might cost us money.

#oneaday, Day 228: Call of Cthuty: Black Arts

London, UK – 2nd September, 2010 – DECLASSIFIED: Prepare for the follow-up to the biggest entertainment launch in history: on 9th November, Call of Cthuty®: Black Arts™ will introduce fans to the occult world of HP Lovecraft. Activision Publishing, Inc. (Nasdaq: ATVI) and award-winning developer Starfuckers, Inc. will take players behind the lines of madness in an entirely new and ill-advised chapter in the groundbreaking and record-setting, No. 1 first-person action series of all time.

“My favourite part is the one where Dagon kidnaps the president,” said Starfuckers, Inc. Vice-President of Scenarios and Scripting Ashton Raze. “OF MEXICO.”

Players will face off against their darkest fears in an epic struggle for survival against gradually-dwindling sanity. And when the time comes, the Dark One shall arise, and the world shall be devoured!

“The way I see it,” said Bobby Kotick, Activision CEO, “is that we already sold our souls some time ago. So why not celebrate the Dark One in the only way we know how: by offering players the opportunity to participate in a futile and expensive struggle against an inevitable decline into insanity from a first person perspective with lots of big guns and no women whatsoever?” Kotick later explained that girls have “cooties” and he wanted nothing to do with them.

Activision also announced a multi-year agreement that will bring Call of Cthuty® add ons and map packs first to the Xbox LIVE online entertainment network.

“The Dark One needs His tribute, which is why we’re thrilled to announce this Xbox LIVE agreement,” said Philip Earl, Executive Vice President and General Manager of Activision’s Dark Arts and Call of Cthuty® Business Unit. “This agreement reflects our shared and continued focus on funding the Dark One’s attempts to break into this world via microtransaction, and our willingness to drive our playerbase insane by releasing content at a price significantly higher than any other publisher out there.”

Call of Cthuty®‘s revolutionary multiplayer mode features a robust progression system based on the player’s insanity level. Reaching new heights of madness unlocks “Jerks”, involuntary bodily spasms which allows the player to personalise their individual avatar in a unique manner until they are a shambling, stumbling mess only fit to turn their own gun on themselves.

“With 25 million members, Xbox LIVE is a prime feeding ground for the Dark One,” said Marc Whitten, Microsoft’s corporate vice president of Xbox LIVE. “With the release of Call of Cthuty®: Black Arts™, it presents a whole new opportunity for Him to feast upon the player base. And come on, who’s going to miss those racist fucktards anyway?”

About Activision Publishing, Inc.

Headquartered in Santa Monica, California, Activision Publishing, Inc. is a leading worldwide developer, publisher and distributor of interactive entertainment products, and also a glad receiver of lots of money from people who are happy to pay over the odds. Activision maintains operations in the U.S., Canada, the United Kingdom, France, Germany, the Ninth Circle of Hell, Ireland, Italy, Sweden, Spain, Norway, Denmark, the Netherlands, Purgatory, Australia, South Korea, China and the region of Taiwan.

Cautionary Note Regarding Forward-Looking Statements: Information in this press release that involves Activision Publishing’s expectations, plans, intentions or strategies regarding the future are forward-looking statements that are not facts and involve a number of risks and uncertainties, such as the Dark One’s devouring of the world, which may put the kibosh on the whole Xbox LIVE exclusivity deal as without a world, there will be no Xbox LIVE on which Activision can sell map packs for $15 a pop. Activision Publishing generally uses words such as “outlook”, “will”, “could”, “would”, “might”, “remains”, “to be”, “plans”, “believes”, “may”, “expects”, “intends”, “anticipates”, “estimate”, “future”, “plan”, “positions”, “potential”, “project”, “remain”, “scheduled”, “set to”, “subject to”, “upcoming”, “blood sacrifice” and similar expressions to identify forward-looking OH GOD HE’S COMING SET LOOSE THE PUPPIES OF WAR BLOOD BLOOD SO MUCH BLOOD FORGIVE ME FORGIVE ME FORGIVE ME FORG—

#oneaday, Day 224: Patch Notes

Thank you for continuing to play Life. We are pleased to announce that Patch 2.0 is almost ready for release. It is currently awaiting approval from Apple, and we hope to have it available to all users very soon.

While you wait, here is a list of the exciting new features you can soon be enjoying from your Life experience.

Quick-Save. The most-requested feature is finally here! Are you about to get yourself into a situation which you’re a little concerned about the outcome of? No matter! Simply press the Quick-Save button (assigned to your genitals by default) and, should things not go the way you intend, you can simply try again! Please note: there are certain situations when the Quick-Save command will be unavailable. Please ensure your brain has enough free space for the save data before using the Quick-Save function.

Difficulty Adjustment. Some users have commented that Life is too easy or too difficult for them. As such, we have added a difficulty slider to the main menu (accessible by closing your eyes for five seconds and then coughing). If life’s getting you down a bit, simply drop back the difficulty slider for a while and enjoy increased fame and fortune for less effort. Similarly, if you’re enjoying the trappings of wealth a little too much, simply bump up the difficulty slider to increase the number of scandals you’ll encounter. Please note: Adjusting the difficulty slider will affect the experience points gained.

RealID. We’ve added a facility where once you know a person’s name and have added them to your Friends List (assigned to that notebook in your dusty old chest of drawers by default) you will never forget their name ever again thanks to a handy pop-up over their head. You will also see all contact information they have made available and be able to track them via GPS. Please note: GPS tracking is not intended for use by stalkers. Misuse of this facility will be punishable by account suspension.

Common Sense. Long-time subscribers will receive an exclusive “Common Sense” special ability. When entering a situation which is potentially dangerous, illegal and/or stupid, a large red flashing sign will appear saying “STOP IT”. It will continue to flash until the user removes themself from the situation in question. Please note: the “Common Sense” ability will not be automatically available to anyone who has been a subscriber for less than 25 years. They are, however, able to obtain it via questing.

Chat Filters. Another oft-requested feature, the Chat Filter facility will allow users to filter out any or all of the following depending on their own personal preferences: Profanity, blasphemy, religious fanaticism, racism, homophobia, tolerance, sexism, corporate jargon and foreign languages. These phrases can either be muted or automatically replaced via a seamless automatic translation algorithm. For example, when the corporate jargon filter is activated, the sentence “Let’s table this then bluesky and run it up the flagpole for mind-showering purposes whilst leveraging our monetization strategies in the name of excellence” is replaced by “BULLSHIT”.

Item Rebalancing. Coffee now restores twice as many MP. Brussels Sprouts still cause flatulence and nausea, but no longer restore any HP, thereby making them more of a novelty item than an unpleasant healing item. HP Sauce now works as intended by fully restoring HP upon consumption of an entire bottle. Kit-Kat Chunky may no longer be equipped as a weapon. Jaffa Cakes now add the Happiness effect, which stacks up to ten times.

New Dungeon. Haunted by the past? Jump into the new Personal Demons solo dungeon and fight against your worst fears. The new dungeon is only accessible at night and features our toughest boss encounters yet! Please note: Players are not able to take party or raid members into the Personal Demons dungeon.

Adjustable Day Length. Not enough time to complete all your Daily Quests? Simply pop into the Main Menu and extend the day by up to 48 hours.

Graphical Enhancements. A new “Tango” slider enables users blinded by the bright orangeness of those making use of the Fake Tan item to tone down this effect.

Social Networking. Now you can share everything you do via both Facebook and Twitter completely automatically. No longer will players need to make use of “Computer” or “Phone” items in order to inform other users that they are going to the toilet or having lunch. Please note: No responsibility will be accepted for quests failed due to inadvertent tweets/Facebook updates from places/people you are not supposed to be in.

Thank you for your continued support of Life. We hope to have the Version 2.0 patch rolled out as soon as possible. It’s been many years in the making and we think you’ll be really pleased with it.