#oneaday Day 156: PrE3

LOS ANGELES, June 06, 2011 — GeneriCon is today proud to announce its announcement of an announcement at the world’s largest electronic entertainment expo — E3! The announcement is for a top secret project that will not be revealed at E3, but the announcement will not reveal what that project is — rather, it will reveal when to expect the announcement of the project!

“I’m tremendously excited about this announcement,” said Papa Bear, CEO of GeneriCon. “Our 15 years of experience at teasing the industry is sure to pay off this E3 when we build up to absolutely nothing of any substance whatsoever. They’ll be begging for more by the time we’re finished — but they’re not going to get it!”

GeneriCon’s announcement ceremony will feature a special appearance by the Cirque de la Lune, a fraternity of performing minstrels from Paragon City who have not yet realized that they are fictional constructs born from the imagination of massively multiplayer online RPG players. Supporting Cirque de la Lune will be a troupe of performing badgers and the worlds most synchronized brigade of elephants.

“The practice of announcing a new project at E3 is passé,” said Julian Ivanov, VP of Commercial, Corporate and Certifiable Communications. “We are revolutionizing the practice of announcements. After this E3, people will be wondering whether they should even bother attending the show in the first place, so little will actually be revealed on the show floor. But the answer is simple, of course — come to see our elephants.”

Visit GeneriCon’s booth on the show floor, booth number 6969, to see absolutely nothing whatsoever. Private media showings, including exclusive reveals, can be arranged by emailing [email protected].

ABOUT GENERICON

Founded in 1996 by the son of an advertising legend and a Belgian, GeneriCon has since proven itself to be a world leader in the field of PR and marketing teasers as well as having the highest staff turnover of any company in history. Despite ample coverage from the press, consumers have not yet noticed that the company is yet to release an actual product onto the market.

CAUTIONARY NOTE REGARDING FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTS

From time to time, GeneriCon may use statements such as “will”, “might”, “should”, “hope to”, “want to”, “intend to”, “will possibly”, “maybe might”, “probably”, “definitely will”, “definitely won’t”, “possibly will”, “almost certainly will”, “absolutely, positively, totally will”, “really wish we could”, “have extremely good intentions to”, or “think we might just”. These statements should not be taken as official confirmation of an intent to do anything at all and, in fact, it’s probably safer if you just ignore them altogether, just like you’re ignoring this whole paragraph because it waffles on forever and ever and doesn’t really make any sense. GeneriCon reserves the right to decline all knowledge of the use of any forward-looking statements at any time, even if they were on the record and appear on audio or visual evidence, because you probably just made it up because that’s what journalists do, isn’t it? Any use of forward-looking statements is not admissible in a court of law and is not an admission of liability should someone come to injury as a result of waiting for a non-existent product. All rights reserved, except the ones which might cost us money.

#oneaday Day 79: MeatMaid

BRISTOL, MARCH 19 2011

Käselichliebewurst Produktionen GmbH, makers of the hugely successful line of Cock-Hands products, today announced a revolution in morningtime routine technology. The MeatMaid line of products promise to do for fry-ups what the famous Teasmaid did for morning drinks.

“We are very excited about the possibilities that MeatMaid offers the discerning professional fry-up connoisseur,” said Käselichliebewurst Produktionen’s Associate VP of Marketing for EMEA, Helmut Wringer. “We believe that the provision of timely fry-ups on an automated basis is a gap in the market which has remained unfilled for too long.”

The MeatMaid range of products will initially be launching in the UK with a lineup of three unique breakfast automation solutions to fit every budget and lifestyle.

MeatMaid Classic offers its users the unique opportunity to pre-prepare a fryup to be ready on schedule for their morning routine. Special compartments allow for the insertion of bacon, sausage, egg, tomato, mushroom and hash browns. Optional toaster, black pudding, juicer and hot drink attachments are available to customise the MeatMaid experience. Simply insert the ingredients the night before, set the timer for when you want your breakfast and MeatMaid Classic will take care of the rest, carefully cooking and preparing your fryup to be waiting for you beside your bed right on schedule. Available in 1, 2, 4 and House Full Of Guests-person models, starting from £250.

MeatMaid Express offers the perfect breakfast solution for busy professionals who don’t have the time to cook things. Simply insert one of the range of MeatMaid Express capsules, set the timer and MeatMaid Express will take care of the rest, carefully preparing the ingredients from the capsule into a full breakfast within 30 seconds. Perfect for the fry-up connoisseur on the go. Full English, Veggie Breakfast and Big Breakfast capsules will be available on launch, with additional options available in the coming months. Starting from £350, with packs of 7 capsules costing £5 each.

MeatMaid On The Go provides all the benefits of MeatMaid Express in a handy briefcase-sized device that you can take anywhere, with no need to plug in! Load up the stylish carrying case with MeatMaid On The Go capsules, press the button when you’re hungry and voila! An all-day breakfast on demand! Starting from £500. Packs of 5 capsules cost £5 each. Additional battery packs £89 each.

“We anticipate that MeatMaid will be a huge success, particularly in the United Kingdom,” said Wringer. “We’ve been using it in our own offices daily and everyone appreciates starting the day with a good breakfast.”

ABOUT KÄSELICHLIEBEWURST PRODUKTIONEN GMBH

Founded in 1999 by renowned German businessman Werner von Wellensittichschmerzen, this European company have consistently been on the cutting-edge of modern technology, always following their motto “Finding the answers to questions no-one is asking”. Past successes include the popular line of Cock-Hands products as well as the Socialite’s Friend range of customisable kebab-storage systems.

#oneaday, Day 228: Call of Cthuty: Black Arts

London, UK – 2nd September, 2010 – DECLASSIFIED: Prepare for the follow-up to the biggest entertainment launch in history: on 9th November, Call of Cthuty®: Black Arts™ will introduce fans to the occult world of HP Lovecraft. Activision Publishing, Inc. (Nasdaq: ATVI) and award-winning developer Starfuckers, Inc. will take players behind the lines of madness in an entirely new and ill-advised chapter in the groundbreaking and record-setting, No. 1 first-person action series of all time.

“My favourite part is the one where Dagon kidnaps the president,” said Starfuckers, Inc. Vice-President of Scenarios and Scripting Ashton Raze. “OF MEXICO.”

Players will face off against their darkest fears in an epic struggle for survival against gradually-dwindling sanity. And when the time comes, the Dark One shall arise, and the world shall be devoured!

“The way I see it,” said Bobby Kotick, Activision CEO, “is that we already sold our souls some time ago. So why not celebrate the Dark One in the only way we know how: by offering players the opportunity to participate in a futile and expensive struggle against an inevitable decline into insanity from a first person perspective with lots of big guns and no women whatsoever?” Kotick later explained that girls have “cooties” and he wanted nothing to do with them.

Activision also announced a multi-year agreement that will bring Call of Cthuty® add ons and map packs first to the Xbox LIVE online entertainment network.

“The Dark One needs His tribute, which is why we’re thrilled to announce this Xbox LIVE agreement,” said Philip Earl, Executive Vice President and General Manager of Activision’s Dark Arts and Call of Cthuty® Business Unit. “This agreement reflects our shared and continued focus on funding the Dark One’s attempts to break into this world via microtransaction, and our willingness to drive our playerbase insane by releasing content at a price significantly higher than any other publisher out there.”

Call of Cthuty®‘s revolutionary multiplayer mode features a robust progression system based on the player’s insanity level. Reaching new heights of madness unlocks “Jerks”, involuntary bodily spasms which allows the player to personalise their individual avatar in a unique manner until they are a shambling, stumbling mess only fit to turn their own gun on themselves.

“With 25 million members, Xbox LIVE is a prime feeding ground for the Dark One,” said Marc Whitten, Microsoft’s corporate vice president of Xbox LIVE. “With the release of Call of Cthuty®: Black Arts™, it presents a whole new opportunity for Him to feast upon the player base. And come on, who’s going to miss those racist fucktards anyway?”

About Activision Publishing, Inc.

Headquartered in Santa Monica, California, Activision Publishing, Inc. is a leading worldwide developer, publisher and distributor of interactive entertainment products, and also a glad receiver of lots of money from people who are happy to pay over the odds. Activision maintains operations in the U.S., Canada, the United Kingdom, France, Germany, the Ninth Circle of Hell, Ireland, Italy, Sweden, Spain, Norway, Denmark, the Netherlands, Purgatory, Australia, South Korea, China and the region of Taiwan.

Cautionary Note Regarding Forward-Looking Statements: Information in this press release that involves Activision Publishing’s expectations, plans, intentions or strategies regarding the future are forward-looking statements that are not facts and involve a number of risks and uncertainties, such as the Dark One’s devouring of the world, which may put the kibosh on the whole Xbox LIVE exclusivity deal as without a world, there will be no Xbox LIVE on which Activision can sell map packs for $15 a pop. Activision Publishing generally uses words such as “outlook”, “will”, “could”, “would”, “might”, “remains”, “to be”, “plans”, “believes”, “may”, “expects”, “intends”, “anticipates”, “estimate”, “future”, “plan”, “positions”, “potential”, “project”, “remain”, “scheduled”, “set to”, “subject to”, “upcoming”, “blood sacrifice” and similar expressions to identify forward-looking OH GOD HE’S COMING SET LOOSE THE PUPPIES OF WAR BLOOD BLOOD SO MUCH BLOOD FORGIVE ME FORGIVE ME FORGIVE ME FORG—