Can you imagine how awesome it would be if portals were real? Portals as in the portals from Portal, not portals as in Web portals. I know those exist.

Let’s consider a few real-world applications of said portals.

For starters, assuming the technology could be modified to create more than two portals, a worldwide transportation network — perhaps attached to some large chain of fast food restaurants or coffee shops — could easily be set up. Imagine how much easier it would be to get around and visit friends if you could simply step through a portal in your local Starbucks and come out in a different Starbucks somewhere else. (Pedants may suggest a portal in your own home might be more useful, but that is obviously then open to abuse. Public portals are the way forward in this instance.)

Second of all, the creation of a real-life Resident Evil-style Item Box, where the inordinately huge number of possessions that you dumped inside are inexplicably available any time you open an identical-looking box somewhere else. This would make getting furniture home from Ikea considerably easier. Perhaps they could even sell the boxes in question, allowing users to then drop any future furniture purchases in the public box in store and have it immediately pop out at the other end. (Those who live with others may wish to warn their housemates if they are going to do this, however, for seeing a fully-formed bookcase suddenly bursting out of the floor may be somewhat terrifying for those with weak constitutions.)

Thirdly, those finding the development of an exercise routine troublesome due to lack of space can make themselves an infinite running track in even the smallest of apartments simply by placing two portals opposite one another. Obviously ensure the floor space between the two portals is clear and you have understanding neighbours if you do not live on the ground floor, but you can then run to your heart’s content without ever having to go outside and worry about the general public laugh at your pathetic speed and wobbling man-boobs. (Assuming you’re a gentleman, of course.)

Fourthly, the Walk of Shame after a particularly rambunctious night on the town can easily be dealt with by simply popping one portal on your bedroom wall before you leave, and then, when the night/sex is over, simply pop the other portal on a wall near the situation you would no longer like to be physically present in. (Do then remember to either close the portals or put the second portal somewhere else so that the person/situation you are attempting to escape from is unable to follow you into your bedroom.

Fifthly, stairs could become a thing of the past. You know when something you really need/want is at the opposite end of your house and your own laziness precludes you from climbing the stairs to go and get it? Simply ensure you leave a portal upstairs at all times, and then fire the other one immediately in front of you. Wander through and voila — no unnecessarily tiring stair-climbing to worry about. (If you are performing this operation primarily to get food, be aware that you will probably get fat if you’re not even getting the exercise that climbing your stairs provides.)

It should, by now, be abundantly clear that real-life portal technology would be useful, practical and not at all intrusive. FOR SCIENCE.