Tag: new year

#oneaday Day 712: Five Minutes to Midnight

It’s New Year’s Eve. I am writing on my phone. There are five minutes to go before the aforementioned New Year. At midnight I am going to press Submit regardless of whether or not I’ve finished a sentence.

Tonight we have celebrated the New Year by eating a shitload of puddings which everyone brought over to my friends Ben and Amy’s house. By about half ten, most of us had eaten at least eight puddings, with some going as far as ten. Shortly after midnight, the last arrival showed up with an amazing-smelling savoury pudding — lamb and mint in a big crusty lump of suet. Amazing.

As midnight approaches, I’m grateful to ring in 2012 with good friends, and curious as to why the iPhone keeps wanting to correct “2012” to “2013”.

The countdown has begun. Champagne is being poured. Celebrations are imminent.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

#oneaday, Day 1: Dawn of the First Day

I am aware of the factual inaccuracies in the title of this post. It is neither my first day writing #oneaday blogs, nor is it dawn. However, there are two reasons for naming it as I have: firstly, any excuse to get in a Zelda: Majora’s Mask reference, and secondly, since the other members of the 2011 One A Day Project have all started today at number 1, I thought I would join them so as not to look too much like the grizzled old veteran that I am. Rest assured, there will be celebrations when I reach the end of my first year, though. Assuming I remember. (19th of January. Remind me.)

As it’s a new year, a new beginning and a shiny new number “1” at the top of this post, I thought I would take the opportunity to introduce myself to those new readers that the One A Day Project has hopefully brought to my blog. Those of you I already know, bear with me for today and I’ll get back to slagging things off tomorrow.

I’m Pete. I’m 29, and unemployed. 2010 was the worst year of my life, taking in the end of my employment, the end of my marriage, the end of my finances and the end of my independent status as Someone Who Does Not Live With Their Parents. All of the above are related to one another, at least in passing.

But as 2010 was a year of endings, January 1st 2011 seems like a good time to think about new beginnings. And what better way to consider new beginnings than with some new year’s resolutions? Here goes, then.

  • I will blog every day from January 1st, 2011 until December 31st, 2011 (and possibly beyond) come rain, come shine, come sickness, come health, come on holiday, come in a sock (sorry), come not really having any time or being really drunk of an evening. I’ve kept up this daily blog since January 19th last year and I have no intention of stopping now.
  • I will go for a run three times a week, on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday where possible. Those of you who have been following me for a while will know that towards the end of the year I successfully completed the Couch 2 5K programme, which turned me from a fat bastard into a fat bastard who can run for up to 30 minutes non-stop, albeit quite slowly.
  • I will embark on a wide array of erotic adventures with a bevy of voluptuous redheads, all of whom either are or at least vaguely resemble Christina Hendricks.*
  • I will fuck up the tax man good and proper. I will attempt to figure out why the taxman still thinks I am self-employed despite having gone from full-time employment to unemployment in the last few years. Then I will fuck him up good and proper.**
  • I will get a job.***
  • I will earn enough money to get somewhere to live that has a living room big enough for a Kinect and Dance Central.****
  • I will speak my mind and not bottle stuff up like a +5 Cauldron of Resentment.
  • I will complete Final Fantasy XII.
  • I will make a sizable dent in my gaming Pile of Shame.*****
  • I will not play World of Warcraft.
  • I will actually finish writing the story I’ve had stuck in my head for the last ten years and which has gone through more rewrites than an aborted metaphor involving something that gets rewritten a lot. (12,000 words so far. On the story, not the metaphor. That would be a metaphor of Dickensian proportions.)
  • I will have no shame in my diverse, occasionally cheesy, occasionally really really gay musical tastes.******
  • I will stop being so gay on Twitter.*******

I think that’s quite enough to be getting on with, and all of them are totally achievable. Setting yourself realistic targets is the key.

So, now that you know a little bit about me (and will undoubtedly learn more either by reading back over my past entries, which I promise I will do a “Best Of” one day when I can be bothered) you’re probably confused by that comic strip at the top of each post. Spoiler: I am also a little confused by the comic strip at the top of each post. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I think it’s Allie Brosh’s fault. That minx. But suffice to say, yes, I have made the questionable decision to accompany every blog post with a silly little cartoon drawn in the Mac equivalent of MS Paint and laid out with frankly unnecessary care and attention using Comic Life Magiq.

You’ll notice a few recurring faces in these strips. Here are the most common ones:

Pete

Pete is a 29-year old unemployed bum geek writer aiming to make his way in the world. He lives in a featureless apartment of indeterminate size with several other peculiar characters and seems to attract surreal situations to himself like moths to a Dali-esque flame.

Alex

Alex believes herself to be “the sensible one”, despite having a boy’s name. However, Pete isn’t convinced that she is as sensible as she likes to make out due to two fact: firstly, she reads Grazia magazine, and secondly, she has slept with Phillipe on more than one occasion.

Phillipe

Phillipe gets terribly upset when people spell his name wrong, but it’s often difficult to tell due to his odd facial expression, acquired when he discovered that the stories your parents tell you about “sticking like it” are all true. He is also a massive pervert, and gets his penis out at every opportunity.

Lucy

Lucy hates blonde stereotypes but unfortunately conforms to every single one of them. She is not terribly bright and occasionally descends into saying text-speak out loud. She is, however, a cheerful soul and is rarely seen without a smile on her face. She likes coffee and kittens. Not together.

Des

The personification of Pete’s “black cloud of despair” which he felt on numerous occasions throughout the last year. Des eventually became his own independent entity and made friends with Alex over a cup of tea. Pete has defeated him once, but he occasionally pops in for a social visit.

The MoneyBot

The MoneyBot’s sole purpose is to monetize everything. Unfortunately, a glitch in his programming means that he only ever attempts to monetize people—a process which he carries out by shooting people in their genitals with a green Monetizing Ray. The process is reversible, and he may be a dream.

There. Consider yourself primed for the year ahead. Good luck to my fellow One A Day Project bloggers. And readers? Don’t forget to pay the official site a visit and donate either your time or money to Cancer Research UK or To Write Love On Her Arms to show your appreciation for everyone’s awesome creativity.

Thank you!

* A guy can dream, huh.
** Note to overzealous policemen: I will not actually fuck up “the taxman” because I am aware the Inland Revenue employs many people from diverse cultures who could probably take me in a fight if they all teamed up and formed a Constructocon.
*** Subject to the “job market”, or whatever people blame the lack of jobs on.
**** It’s wrong that I’m a little too enamoured with Dance Central, I know. But honey, I got rhythm that I haven’t used yet.
***** Subject to Anything Really Good coming out.
****** Already achieved. I am listening to Ke$ha while writing this post.
******* I make no promises as to being able to fulfil this one, particularly while @acronkyoung and @NintendoTheory are around. No homo.

#oneaday, Day 343: Boxing Day

Christmas is over for another year, and so here we are on Boxing Day (or actually the day after if you’re operating on UK time)—a day which apparently isn’t particularly well-known in the US. In all honesty, it’s not particularly well-known in the UK, either, aside from the name. It’s just “the day after Christmas”.

There’s plenty of things that can be done on Boxing Day, and they tend to vary according to your age.

If you’re a young kid, Boxing Day is a day to spend playing with all the presents you got and suffering from some pretty severe analysis paralysis while you work out what to do next. When you have the amount of choice most kids get these days after receiving a veritable truckload of presents, it’s easy to see how they might get overwhelmed with things to choose from.

If you’re a bit older, Boxing Day is probably a day for a hangover, whether it be caused by excess of alcohol, excess of food or, more likely, both. It also marks the beginning of The Great Leftovers Season, by the end of which you will never, ever want to see turkey ever again, whether it’s on a plate with potatoes and gravy, stuffed into a sandwich, made into a curry or whatever vaguely inventive ways you’ve come up with to use turkey. Turkey is, of course, a meat which barely gets eaten throughout the rest of the year. Is this because it’s just like an enormous dry chicken? Or is it because we eat so much of it throughout the holiday season that no-one can bear the thought of eating it again at any point in the rest of the year?

It’s a pretty universal constant whatever your age, though, that the day after Christmas is for resting, sleeping, lolling on the couch (the original meaning of lolling, not the Internet meaning) and watching the DVDs that were inevitably in your Christmas stockings.

There’s an exception, though: households which got a Wii or Kinect for Christmas. The Wii and Kinect get people up and about a little bit more than they would otherwise be, since they’re popular gifts with kids and adults alike, and they require that you get off your turkey-filled ass and jump around. Quite literally in the case of Kinect.

Incidentally, if you are still a Kinect doubter, I defy you not to at least find the damn thing clever as hell. Yesterday we were trying it out and didn’t have enough space to play with two people on Kinect Adventures, so we moved the couch back a bit. By the time we’d turned back to the screen, the game was asking if we’d like to play two-player mode. Without us telling it. Witchcraft and sorcery!

Hope you’ve all had a suitably festive festive season and have some appropriately awesome plans for the new year. 2011 better not suck as much as 2010, though I recall saying something very similar at the end of 2009 so I’m not going to hold my breath until something actually awesome happens!