Kalvinder Athwal
HR Assistant
Pay and Contract Support Services
Hampshire County Council
3rd Floor, Hampshire House
84-98 Southampton Road
Eastleigh SO50 5PA

Dear Mr Athwal,

Thank you for your letter of 27 April 2010, received today, which coincides beautifully with 1) my birthday, 2) [REDACTED BAD THING], 3) my unemployment and 4) my finances reaching breaking point. You are indeed correct that I left my employment with [REDACTED] on the 19th of March 2010. One would have assumed that one’s employers would be in possession of a working payroll department, however, and therefore would have had the good sense to make a note of one’s time of departure at the time one gave one’s notice.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I receive a letter today informing me that due to the incompetence of someone in your department (this was implied, you unfortunately weren’t honest enough to admit it), I have been “overpaid” to the tune of £854.65. That, as I am sure you can appreciate, is quite a lot of money, especially to someone who is not currently in full-time employment. I am sure you are “looking forward” to receiving my payment as you so politely say in your letter, rubbing your greasy hands with glee no doubt, but I am afraid to say that you will be waiting some time for your payment, whether or not you have enclosed an “official” invoice.

You see, Mr Athwal, your department’s incompetence does not only stretch to continuing to pay people after they have left their employment – with several months’ notice, I might add – but also to failing to issue them a contract of employment in the first place. I joined [REDACTED] in November 2009 and left in March 2010. By my calculations, I was working there for some five months, during which time I asked on a number of occasions when I would be issued with an “official” (there’s that word again) contract. Unfortunately, I never received one of these contracts, meaning that I am technically not bound to any of the terms and conditions associated with said non-existent contract. Considering your department is called “Pay and Contract Support Services” and that you have failed to show any degree of competence in either of those areas, I would strongly suggest that the Council saves its money and asks that you all find something else to do with your time. Perhaps they can “overpay” you after your departure too. But – oh no! – with your department closed, who will write the politely worded yet threatening letters regarding “recovering the amount overpaid”?

In the meantime, I enclose a copy of your invoice, which I invite you to take in hand, roll into a tight tube and then jam straight up your arse.

Yours sincerely,

Pete Davison