#oneaday, Day 177: Sandwich

The familiar melody of the alarm on his phone sounded, waking him from his slumber suddenly. He had been having a dream of some description; it had felt enormously real at the time, but now, in the soft light of morning creeping through the crack in the curtains that she always used to hate, it was already dissipating. A cloud of memory, rising into the sky and disappearing.

He leaned over and grabbed his phone, squinting at the time through blurry vision. It felt too early. But it was a perfectly normal time to get up; quite late for some, even. It didn’t feel important to get up, though. He wanted to stay lying there, gazing at nothingness, contemplating all that had come to pass and all there was to come. But at the same time, he knew that would achieve nothing. He remembered simpler times, when lying in bed meant something different; a time when it meant closeness, comfort, intimacy. Now, what did it mean?

His phone chimed as a well-timed message from a friend broke his reverie and stirred his mind into action. He was grateful to her for that; she always knew the right time to say something, even if it was just “hello”. He quickly tapped out a message back to her and lay back down, closing his eyes for a moment, phone clutched in his hand.

It vibrated in his hand; a reply, and an admonishment that he should really get up rather than lying there feeling sorry for himself. Smiling weakly to himself, he did so, and staggered out of the bedroom into the hallway, through the living room and into the kitchen.

The fridge was almost empty; it had been ever since that day. He’d only stocked up on the essentials as and when he needed them. There was little point doing anything elaborate for one. There was a pack of bacon, already open and wrapped in tin foil. He picked it up and walked over to the grill, flipping it on and laying the foil out on a tray. He carefully removed two rashers of bacon from the pack and washed its sliminess from his hands, then slid the tray under the rapidly-heating grill.

More memories popped into his head; unwelcome guests. Once, there would have been four rashers on that tray, and once the kettle would have been boiling ready to make a cup of tea, perfectly timed to be ready as the bacon finished. The radio would have been on, blaring out some sort of interminably awful pop music, and the room would have felt full of life. Now it felt like a shadow of its former self, like a graveyard. Spirits inhabited the room, but they’d never be coming back.

The smell of the gradually-grilling bacon wafted to his nostrils as he got out a plate and two slices of bread. He’d butter the bread for her and leave his plain. And when it was done, he’d carry them all back to the bedroom and climb back into bed, ready to eat the food, listen to something together and, after that, enjoy a moment or two of quiet intimacy.

If he did that now, though, there would just be that same awful silence. There was no reason to go back into that room now he was up; the shadows would just claim him if he did, and the day would be gone.

He pulled the tray out from under the grill and flipped the bacon quickly with his fingertips, cursing to himself at how hot it was. Then he slid it back under, that smell filling the whole room now. It was a smell that most people find comforting, whatever state they’re in; happy, sad, hungover, sober—there’s always room for a bacon sandwich. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it right now, as tied to these memories as it was. But he wasn’t about to let things he could do nothing about spoil his enjoyment of the best thing about the morning.

It was time. He pulled the tray out again and quickly transferred the bacon to the bread, cursing again at how hot it was. The rapidly-diminishing bottle of HP sauce was already upturned ready to spill its contents onto the sandwich, just as it should be.

And he closed the sandwich, walked into the living room and sat on the couch, staring at the switched-off TV. And thus began another day alone.

#oneaday, Day 138: Days in the Sun

It was another gloriously sunny day today. It’s easy to forget that England gets nice weather sometimes when an estimated 85% of our days are overcast.

Everyone is in a better mood in the sunshine. And, judging by the number of people in town, everyone skips work in the sunshine, too. I went to the park and sat in the sun for a bit and there were people from all walks of life all around. There was the chav in the open shirt who kept stroking his chest. There were the noisy, screechy girls. There were excited little kids on their half-term break headed for the playpark. And there was me.

Sitting in the sun is nice. There’s something extremely pleasant about the weather being good enough for you to be able to sit (or indeed lie) on the grass and just relax. If it’s been raining or snowing, or if it’s cold, you’d never even think about lying down on the ground and dozing for a bit. But as soon as it gets a little bit sunny? Everyone seems to come down with narcolepsy. Well, except those people playing frisbee.

Lying in the grass is one of those things that triggers memories, particularly of being very young. I can remember lying on the grass at primary school on hot sunny days. Sometimes my friends and I would just lie there. Other times we’d talk. Other times still we’d attempt to do those stupid moves from P.E. that no-one ever does in real life. And on one memorable occasion, a friend became convinced that by doing a shoulderstand and “squeezing a bit”, he could make himself fart at will. (He couldn’t.)

Besides school, other grassy memories are mostly picnic-related. I have oddly strong memories of visiting the Imperial War Museum at Duxford and sitting in the grass having a picnic as we watched the planes take off, land and do various pieces of death-defying aerobatics. Thinking about it, I don’t think we were actually sitting on the grass, more hanging around the car in deckchairs eating sandwiches. But sandwiches always taste better outside, as everyone well knows.

So it’s been a nice day. A very nice day in fact. Even the fact that I clearly got a bit burnt judging by the tingling on my ears right now (either that or someone’s talking about me) didn’t detract from the niceness of the day. So that’s good. Nice days are good. Nice days are much-needed. Nice days have been away for a long time, so it’s, well, nice to see them again.

Let’s hope this lovely summery weather continues for some time, and that we see more in the way of girls in tiny shorts and less in the way of shirtless bald chavs staggering through parks with cans of Tennents Extra clutched in their desperate sweaty gorilla-hands. And maybe some English people can get a proper tan instead of feeling the need to pointlessly slather themselves with orange paint.

#oneaday, Day 137: Flower Girl

I am almost falling asleep on my keyboard here, so I’ll keep this brief to prevent falling asleep with all the letters of the keyboard printed backwards across my face. I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m not sure why I’m so tired, though I have had people over this evening and I spent the first part of my day cleaning up in preparation for said visitors. We had a lovely evening, by the way, thanks for asking.

Earlier in the day I did get a moment to record one more piano piece. I posted it on Tumblr earlier but I’m not sure who got the chance to hear it. A few people did, I guess, and it even got a couple of reblogs. But I thought for those people who don’t “do” Tumblr, I’d post it here too.

The song in question is Aerith, or Aeris, or Flower Girl or whatever you want to call it. It’s the piece from Final Fantasy VII that makes everyone cry. There are two reasons for this – one, it’s a beautiful piece of music, and two, the most memorable point of the game in which this piece of music is heard is where Aerith/s dies. (Oh come ON! Surely everyone who is ever going to play Final Fantasy VII knows that by now.) This scene is widely regarded by many as one of the first times where computer games genuinely started to encourage emotional investment in their narratives – at least on consoles. Developers of adventure games on PC had been trying this for a long time already, but Final Fantasy VII was the first mainstream console game which people admitted crying to.

It’s a cliché and a bit of a joke these days, of course, but it was my brother telling me about the sheer emotion in the game that made me originally want to pick up Final Fantasy VII. I’d never touched an RPG prior to that point and had no idea what HP, MP and Limit Breaks were. My life was shortly to change forever.

The piece of music itself, though; it’s always held a peculiarly personal meaning to me, and I can’t pin down why that is. I think it possibly may be something to with the fact that the older Final Fantasy games allowed you to rename your characters, so in my game, it wasn’t “Aerith” dying, it was someone I knew. This made it all the more traumatic.

When I play the piece nowadays, I don’t necessarily think of someone dying. But I do always find myself thinking of someone. I always feel that the character of the piece represents gentle, total, unconditional love and/or affection towards someone. So inevitably while playing it I find myself thinking of someone special to me in some way. The exact person who comes to mind has changed many times over the years, but the reason for my thinking of them hasn’t. They are important.

iPhone users, click here to hear the track. Everyone else, use the Flash player below.

#oneaday, Day 118: Homecoming

It is like a ghost house. Haunted by shadows of the past, and yet at the same time pristine and new, full of possibilities, like it once was so long ago.

In through the door, into the hall. A door, usually shut, stands open, looking in one direction. Beyond the door, the darkness of the night creeps in. The other doors remain steadfastly shut, waiting for me to reveal their contents, be they painful, joyful or wrathful.

Passing through the open door, its inviting portal beckoning me within. Flashes of terrible possibilities scream through my head and I wonder if any of them are true, but none of them are. Everything is as it was, only with a layer of meaning removed. Floor once well-trodden with hard labour stands pristine and new as if nothing had ever been there. There is space, empty space, but imperceptibly, outside the gaze of reality, the memories are still there. There they sit, watching stoically, not judging, just being. But then they are not there and there is just space again.

The space we once shared together forever changed, only a discarded sleeping bag and some crumpled cushions holding memories of what once was and what eventually came to be. And the silence. The silence is deafening.

Back into the hall. Hand trembling, I open a door. A door I feared to open. Inside are nothing but spirits. What the room once was there is no trace of, not physically. But the memories are here too. Standing in the corner. Stretched under the window. Sitting in the single lonely chair. They are here, looking at me, not a trace of judgement in them. Do they have faces? I can’t see, and then they are gone again.

Back to the hall. Hand trembling, I open another door. Another door I feared to open. Inside it is like the room behind the open door, everything as it once was but with a layer of meaning stripped away to reveal – what? Is there deeper meaning left beneath?

I sit. Two crystallised memories stare back at me, in physical form this time. I wondered if they would remain strong or shatter like everything else. But they are here. It fills me with great sadness and great joy to see them, for they represent the good times. They were alive, and took in everything that once was. Do they still live? They do, but they do not understand. Part of what gave them life has gone, but the other part remains. Do they still live? They do. And they bear a missive.

The message should make me weep, or wrathful, or sicken with heartbreak, but it does not. Something about it is calming. Perhaps its words merely float on my surface to be absorbed at a later time. The meaning is there and was already there, but right now I do not feel it. I feel little but reality loosening its bonds on my mind and my soul.

I rise off the ground and float through this home, this place of memories, stripped and gutted of part of that which made it what it was, and I feel…

#oneaday, Day 106: Crystallised Memories

It’s funny how certain objects come to have memories attached to them. Inanimate, unremarkable objects. They could be an item of furniture. They could be a book. They could be a piece of technology. They could be a stuffed toy.

Look around the room you’re in right now. Look at some of the things that are sitting in it. And not just the big things, or things which are specifically designed to evoke a memory, like photographs.

What memories are attached to, say, the lamp by the side of your bed? Or the clock radio? Or the bookcase? Or the books which lay discarded on the floor? Or that mark on the wall? If you think about it, you can probably attach a memory to every tiny little thing that you can see in any room – assuming you’ve had the time to “get to know” that room, of course.

When you move on to a new place, sometimes other peoples’ memories are left behind. They may take away the things that can be carried, packed into boxes or loaded into a van, but some things can’t be taken away. A whole room can hold memories, both good and bad. And it doesn’t have to be just one memory at a time. In the room where I am right now I can see things which represent good times, things which represent bad times, and things which represent the very worst of times. Some objects in this room represent more than one thing. Some things hold conflicting emotions. Those things are confusing, but the important thing to remember is that the object holds all of those memories, not just the bad ones.

It’s easy to let bad memories and bad experiences colour everything that you do. They say bad experiences and bad memories help to make you stronger. It may well be true, but it doesn’t make them any easier to live through, or to relive. But, as received wisdom has it, it’s the sum of our experiences that make us who we are. And it’s by examining the sum of those experiences that we, ourselves, can learn to understand who we are.

I’m not sure I really know who I am. I’ve drifted along for so long, wondering if I’m doing the right thing for myself and for other people. I don’t feel like I’ve found it yet, and recent events (which I won’t be going into detail about here) have made me think that no, clearly I’m not doing the right thing – for myself, more than anything else. It’s a selfish attitude to take, but when it comes down to it, the only person’s destiny that you have any control over is your own. You can’t always live your life for the approval of other people, least of all if you’re not happy yourself.

So that’s why when some of these crystallised memories disappear, when some are left behind and some are taken with me to wherever life takes me next, I know that’s just another step. There have been missteps, and there have been backwards steps, but they’re all steps nonetheless; steps on that long, arduous, exhausting and frankly irritating journey that they call life.

I’m kind of ready to get where I’m supposed to be going now, thanks. I thought I was already there for a while, but there actually seem to be some significant engineering works in the way. Where’s the nearest replacement bus service?

#oneaday, Day 52: Nostalgiarising

Been feeling a little nostalgic over the last few days. The Final Fantasy story I told last night was just one of the things I’ve been remembering. I’ve been finding all sorts of other crap around the place recently – one of the most recent rediscoveries was a cardboard document wallet containing some play scripts, posters and a few other bits and pieces from when I was at university. I love finding old playscripts in particular, because we always used to scribble all over them and sign them on the last night of a performance. I’m glad we always did that, because it means I have great keepsakes like this. Ignore the dreadful attempt to draw Cloud Strife that is inexplicably on the front page.

Four points about these pages:

1. I have no idea what the stains are.

2. Yes, I am aware my script is bound using duct tape.

3. Don’t try and email “Costume Lucy”. She’s not there any more.

4. The “makeup” mentioned in several of the comments is referring to this:

(I’m the one on the right.) My mother inexplicably told me that me being dressed like this reminded her of my Grandad. I don’t remember my Grandad ever looking like that, unless I didn’t know him that well. (Yes, Mum, I know that wasn’t what you really meant.)

My time with the Theatre Group at Southampton University is one of the things I most fondly remember from my past. One day we’ll manage that reunion that Anja and I are always talking about. Maybe even this year. Who knows?

Also found in said folder:

Programme from an episode of Songs of Praise that our extremely non-religious secondary school attended, signed by Diane Louise Jordan of Blue Peter fame.

Programmes from other productions I was in – our extremely over-budget, ambitious, futuristic Macbeth from the time when everything had to look like the Matrix; our first attempt at taking a show up to the Edinburgh Fringe (A Month in the Country by Turgenev, performed outside. Not the wisest decision, but it was fun.)

My second attempt at freewriting from when I first found out about it – dated 16/9/01 at 21:36.

My “P” for “passed” plates for my car (which I never put on the car, because having “P” plates on is an invitation for other drivers to treat you like even more of an arse than they do already)

And, finally, this delightful 20th birthday card, hand-made for me by my friends Sam and Chris.

Rediscovering stuff like this is awesome.

#oneaday, Day 51: Final Fantasies

Picked up Final Fantasy XIII today, but I’m not going to talk about it too much just yet. I want to do a proper “first impressions” post. Suffice to say, though, I’m enjoying it so far. It has been extremely linear so far, as people have been saying, but it’s certainly not a worse game for this fact. So far all the characters seem appealing, and the dynamic between them, now they’ve all met each other, is shaping up to be interesting. I look forward to seeing what happens.

I wanted to talk about my memories of the Final Fantasy series generally, as it’s a series that will always be close to my heart for a variety of reasons. I’d never even heard of it prior to Final Fantasy VII’s release, but I was intrigued when I heard my brother discussing it and he mentioned the oft-quoted fact that it was “one of the only games that had ever made anyone cry”. It sounds trite now, of course, as everyone knows what FFVII’s “big shock” was, and the moment has lost its emotional impact. But I remember playing that game for the first time and not knowing what was going to happen – so when that moment at the end of Disc 1 came, I genuinely felt something. It hadn’t been spoiled for me. I knew something tragic happened at some point in the game, but that was it. I wasn’t prepared for them to kill off a main character like that. It was, of course, even more traumatic for the fact you could rename every party member in FFVII, so it was like someone I actually knew died. (Shush. I was young and stupid.)

Of course, killing off main characters isn’t something that FF has traditionally shied away from, but being unfamiliar with the series prior to that moment, I wasn’t to know. In fact, not only was I unfamiliar with the FF series, I was unfamiliar with the RPG genre in general, my only real experiences with it having been Alternate Reality on the Atari 8-bit (which, when I played it as a young child, I really didn’t understand) and the dreadful Times of Lore by Origin on the Atari ST. Neither of them had gripped me, perhaps because of the deficiencies these games held in the narrative department. Alternate Reality just didn’t have a story full stop (besides that which you made for yourself) and Times of Lore was just… well, crap. So, suffice to say I hadn’t felt particularly inspired to pursue an interest in the RPG genre – not until FFVII turned up, anyway.

A particularly fond memory of VII comes from one long summer when my folks were away in America for a few weeks. It was the first time I’d been left home alone and, among other things best left for discussion another day, my friend Woody and I spent a lot of time playing Final Fantasy VII. At one point, we played it for thirty-six hours continuously, whacking each other over the head with couch cushions when the other looked like they were falling asleep. Eventually, we did pretty much both pass out, with some peculiar dreams and talking-in-sleep going on. The tequila probably didn’t help matters.

We fell asleep as we were in FFVII’s Ancient Forest looking for the Apocalypse Sword prior to the endgame. I remember falling asleep to the music there and it infecting my brain. I can’t hear that track these days without thinking of the peculiar sensations of sleep deprivation, slight drunkenness and square eyes from staring at the TV for too long.

It was some time after discovering FFVII that I decided to explore the rest of the series and uncovered the world of the music of FF. I managed to track down some scans of the elusive “Piano Collections” books for FFIV, V and VI online and tried playing them. They’re wonderful arrangements – actually properly written for the piano, rather than simply transcribed – so the performance of them has become something of a trademark of mine over the years. Hearing any of those tracks always fills me with a sense of deep joy and nostalgia – not necessarily for the games as such, but because they remind me of times past – of good times with friends, of things that happened around the same time as me playing them – all sorts. Playing the games themselves has much the same effect. It’s actually been many years now since I played FFVII, VIII or IX. Although they are now somewhat aged, I don’t think the soft spot I have for them will ever leave me, and I’ll always carry the memories of what I was doing when I played them. (FFVII – that long summer. FFVIII – first year at university. FFIX – visiting my bro in America one Christmas.)

Yeah, I know. How lame to tell a Final Fantasy story. But I don’t care. 🙂

One A Day, Day 31: Out of Sync

I should probably start writing these things in the middle of the day, as my timings are getting all out of sync. Yesterday’s post ended up being dated today, largely because it was written at about 3 in the morning. I was also a little sozzled on gin, so I apologise if it wasn’t the most coherent rant in the world.

I wasn’t drinking alone, I might add. I’d spent the evening over at my buddy’s house having a curry, playing some board games and drinking the aforementioned gin. We discovered gin a week or two back and decided that it was, for now at least, our tipple of choice thanks to how easily it went down, particularly when accompanied by some ice, tonic and lemon. It’s a lovely summer drink, too. Not that it’s particularly summery right now, though the sun did come out for a bit today.

I was a heavy drinker back in university – weren’t we all? – but over the years my tolerance for alcohol seems to have dropped quite a bit. I have vivid memories of many bizarre nights at the university bar accompanied by luridly-coloured cocktails and obscene creations involving unholy combinations of absinthe and Baileys (actually not as bad as it sounds… though your liver might disagree). We also had one particularly amusing and unpleasant night where we decided to invent our own cocktails… or at least attempt to. They weren’t terribly successful, with the most memorable one of the evening being one we dubbed “The Brown Sauce”, so named because of its resemblance in taste to HP sauce. No drink should taste of HP sauce.

Then there was the university orchestra’s trip to Poland, land of super-cheap drinks. One bar did this thing called (if I remember correctly) a “six-shooter”, which was exactly what it sounds like – six shots of some bright blue shit for about a pound. More cocktails were invented there, too.

Nowadays, drinking’s a relatively rare indulgence for me. Drinking the amount of gin we did last night is something that none of us involved have done for a while (at least not all together). It was fun, and it made my pathetic losses at both Agricola and Ticket to Ride matter rather less. Of course, at roughly 4am I found myself regretting quite how much I had drunk, but at least I was mercifully hangover-free in the morning.

Hmm, that totally wasn’t where I was intending this post to head. Oh well. It’s late and I’m actually sitting in bed right now, so maybe I’ll save something more coherent for tomorrow when I’m a bit more awake.

For now – good night!