I’ve discussed this matter at great length before but goddammit it’s my blog and I’ll say whatever the hell I want to, assuming my Silent Hill-inspired dream/daydream/fiction/symbolism yesterday didn’t terrify you to your very core. So shut it!
Wait, you didn’t say anything. There was really no need to be rude and defensive. I’m sorry! Come back! Please?
Thanks. And I didn’t like the other people anyway. They think they’re all that. And a bag of chips. Whatever that means.
Right. I was going to say something, wasn’t I? Yes. Here it is.
I present to you a selection of what you’d get if job adverts were actually honest, based on some past experiences.
Drink Receptacle and Emesis Technician
Are you a talented, motivated self-starter? Well stop right there! This isn’t the job for you. You’ll be working in a busy environment that’s full of people who don’t want to give you the time of day unless you’re bringing them something they asked for. Yet your role will be considered essential to the smooth running of the establishment thanks to the fact that without glasses, no-one will be able to drink until they puke.
Key competencies for the role must include the ability to pick up a glass without dropping it, the ability to stack glasses without dropping them and the ability to operate an almost totally-automatic dishwasher. Must also not be averse to the idea of cleaning up sick with a mop.
Food Frying Specialist
Do you like food? Do you have ambitions of becoming a top chef in a fancy London restaurant? Well, everyone has to start somewhere! In this lively, exciting position you’ll be paired up with an actual chef who thinks you are complete scum and is more than happy to tell you so on a regular basis. You’ll be in charge of making starters for a busy pub. But don’t be afraid; pretty much every starter is created by deep-frying things! That’s right! Your love of boiling things in oil can finally be put to a practical use for the good of society. Doesn’t it feel great to know that?
The ideal candidate for this position will know that when things turn black they’ve been in for too long, will be able to produce a prawn cocktail using the very cheapest and worst possible ingredients and will also be aware that mixing tomato ketchup and mayonnaise is an adequate substitute when all the seafood sauce has run out. Must also not be averse to occasionally having their hat filled with apple sauce, gravy and/or jam.
Important Document Consultant
Do you know where the “Print” function in Microsoft Word is? Perhaps you even know what the shortcut key is! You’ll be in charge of receiving emails from other members of this busy office who are too lazy to print things for themselves. Your task will be justified under the name of “top copying”, which still means “print”, don’t worry. And don’t worry about proofreading; these people are professionals! Any mistakes they made are entirely intentional and are probably the fault of the audio typists anyway. Those bastards.
The perfect person for this position must have an exceedingly high boredom threshold and must not carry any sharp objects with which they might be able to slit their own wrists. They must also have a sense of self-esteem so low that they don’t mind doing something which clearly the person who wrote the document in the first place would be able to do. They must also not be easily susceptible to papercuts, eyestrain, backache, flatulence, dysentry, gangrene or AIDS.
Classroom Shouting Representative
Do you like children? You won’t once you’re finished with us! Have you long been frustrated that too much knowledge is imparted in classrooms? Then come and show us how it’s really done! We’ll put you into a classroom full of 9-year olds who act like they’re stroppy teenagers! We won’t tell you anything about the colourful backgrounds that their families have! We’ll let you get threatened by parents who believe that their way, not the way of polite society, is the way to go! Polite society is boring, anyway!
Key competencies for this role include low self-esteem, a low threshold for irritation, a loud shouting voice and the desire to not actually pass any knowledge on at all! Even if there are maybe one or two kids who obviously want to learn something! No. Working in a classroom is about bad behaviour!