In discussing Deadly… I mean DEADLY PREMONITION with a couple of others recently, we came to the conclusion that the universe of games has such a distinct logic, such a distinct culture, that you could probably write an entire treatise on the culture, physics, metaphysics and theology of Game-Land.

I will settle for one blog post.

• When you wake up in the morning, any and all injuries, however serious, will be completely healed, unless you make your home in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, in which case you will either need to give yourself an injection in the affected limb or visit a doctor, who will be able to heal absolutely any injury and make you completely intact within a matter of minutes.
• If there is food on a shelf, pick it up. No-one but you needs to eat.
• By extension, eating food also heals injuries, unless you’re in Greenvale.
• If you’re in Greenvale, no-one gives you a second glance if you’re standing in the middle of the road chugging back a can of Hollandaise sauce followed by wolfing down a turkey sandwich which cost $75.
• People only open doors if they absolutely have to and frequently just walk through them instead. This includes you. If you were planning on going outside, open the door, wait for 30 seconds, then step outside. Otherwise there will be nothing to walk into and you’ll simply fall into the void, never to be heard from again.
• You can survive approximately 1.5 point-blank shotgun blasts directly to your face without permanent disfigurement.
• In fact, you can survive any injury without permanent disfigurement.
• If something “really important” is about to happen, no-one will mind if you do something else—anything between popping out to shop for some groceries to going on holiday to the other side of the world. The “really important thing” will still be “about to happen” when you get back. Enjoy yourself for a while.
• After completing a repetitive task such as stuffing envelopes or chopping onions, you will notice yourself getting noticeably better at said task at increasingly-longer but predictable intervals.
• Chop 200 onions in a row without hurting yourself for a special prize!
• Sometimes when you talk to people you will have to read something they’ve written on a piece of semi-transparent plastic while they flail their arms around like a Thunderbird.
• Occasionally, people will sound like they are speaking Japanese at you, but the semi-transparent piece of plastic will have English writing on it.
• All shops you visit will sell exactly four items in an extremely niche category, but will purchase anything you have in your pockets/backpack/suitcase/on the back of your pack mule.
• On that note, you will own a backpack which is capable of holding twenty suits of armour, four hundred weapons of different varieties and up to 99 bottles of each and every liquid you find. This backpack is invisible.
• You will never, ever need to go to the toilet, even if you have drunk all 99 bottles of one particular liquid, unless 1) you feel like you are being forced by a giant green diamond above your head to do things in your own home that you probably would have done anyway, 2) your son has been kidnapped or 3) you know, or are about to come into contact with, someone whose son has been kidnapped.
• Anything red will heal all your injuries if you imbibe it somehow.
• Anything blue will make you less tired if you imbibe it somehow.
• People with long white hair are always evil, even if they seem to be quite nice chaps.
• People with short white hair are often sullen, but good people.
• People with spiky hair or who are bald are probably on the way to save the world, especially if they are carrying a sword and/or a gun. Be nice to them.
• Be careful when stacking shelves: lining up three or more of the same thing in a row always causes them to disappear. Stack tins of soup in a checkerboard pattern to prevent this from happening.
• Pick up every flower, bird feather, human-looking bone or flag that you see: there will be someone somewhere in your neighbourhood who will give you “something good” if you bring them enough.
• Having a conversation with someone doesn’t require any actual interaction on your part. Just bump into them and they’ll tell you something about the nearby caves, forest and/or the local big corporation.
• Talking to yourself is absolutely fine. You may either do this by voicing your internal monologue, especially when looking closely at inanimate objects, or keeping a semi-transparent piece of plastic and a marker pen in your invisible backpack at all times.

Sounds like a simple life, doesn’t it? Ah, if only we could apply game logic to the real world sometimes…