#oneaday Day 153: Things That Make No Logical Sense But Are Clearly True: Food Edition

Life brings with it a number of learning experiences, and you store these pieces of information away in your dome-like for future reference, ready for subconscious recall at any available opportunity. Some of these pieces of information are, of course, complete nonsense and have absolutely no basis in scientific fact, but you become convinced of them anyway.

And so it is that you, like me, may have come to believe such rubbish as the following facts, which are clearly true. And all food-related, oddly.

Coke tastes better in a can.

It just does. Cans get colder than bottles and stay colder longer than bottles. Plus something about the metal particles makes the Coke taste better than the plastic particles of a bottle. There are people who will say that a glass bottle is the best way to enjoy a Coke, but they are wrong.

Sandwiches taste better when cut into triangles, unless they are bacon sandwiches.

This is also true. Eat a sandwich that has not been cut in any way and it tastes clearly inferior to triangular sandwiches. And don’t even get me started on people who cut rectangular sandwiches. There’s nothing even a little bit right about that.

Bacon sandwiches taste better when cut into small squares.

The exception to the sandwich rule is the bacon sandwich rule. Try it. Next time you have a bacon butty, cut it into quarters and you’ll see that it’s clearly better.

McDonalds chips taste better when consumed by the handful.

Milk tastes better swigged from the bottle.

As everyone (who enjoys milk) well knows, having an illicit glug from the bottle is far nicer than pouring out a glass. I fear that some of the Coke Science may be coming into play here.

It’s impossible to make a good cup of coffee for yourself.

Make yourself a coffee. Taste it. Put up with it because it’s “all right”. Now get someone else to make you a coffee. Taste it. Enjoy it. Accept their making you a coffee that one time as acceptance of a non-verbal contract to make you a coffee whenever you want.

Tea only tastes of something if you believe in it.

I don’t believe in tea, therefore it tastes like hot water — particularly the herbal teas. They smell great, but I never believe that they’re going to taste of anything, so they don’t.

Ketchup and HP sauce are opposites, and if they touch each other they will spontaneously combust.

What other reason could people possibly have for putting dollops of each respective sauce on opposite sides of the plate?

You are not allowed to have soup on a hot day.

It’s not that you don’t want soup on a hot day, your brain tells you that you must not have soup on a hot day.

If a piece of food you don’t like touches a piece of food you do like, the food you do like is forever tainted.

This one is actually true. I hate onion — particularly raw onion. Even the slightest hint of a taste of it makes me retch. This includes if a salad once had raw onion on it and said raw onion has since been removed. It leaves a flavour residue that makes anything the onion once touched completely unpalatable.

Cheese sauce can be used as the strongest adhesive known to man.

If you’ve ever burnt cheese sauce onto a saucepan, you’ll know that this is also true.

The most exotic-sounding sandwich on the menu is always the best.

This one is, unfortunately, not always true. Many’s the time I’ve had a chicken tikka sandwich hoping for a gorgeous curried revelation and walked away disappointed, wishing I’d gone for the tuna and sweetcorn.

The dessert that mentions chocolate the most times is the best.

Also not always true, since too much chocolate can lead to becoming completely gummed up with sticky, gooey goodness. And while that can be fun, it can also lead to feeling a bit sick. And no-one likes feeling a bit sick.

If you don’t have some sort of sauce on a kebab, you are Doing it Wrong.

Because why on Earth would you eat that shit if it wasn’t covered in chilli sauce that can strip paint, or garlic sauce so strong it can be used as insect repellent?

#oneaday, Day 54: Travels of an Angry Jedi – Brick Lane

London is a city of many surprises. A lot of them are “oh, this part of our illustrious capital is a shithole”, but surprises nonetheless. Today’s excursion was no exception.

Following an event I attended which I can’t talk about (yet) we were recommended to head to an area called “Brick Lane”, with the assurance that “if you like curry, you can’t go far wrong”. I like curry, so it seemed like a sensible choice.

I wasn’t ready for what our party was confronted with. Imagine, if you will, the Las Vegas Strip. Now imagine the street is only one car-width wide and one-way. Now, instead of casinos and strip clubs, imagine every single establishment on the street is a curry house. Now, instead of people in fancy uniforms looking for valet parking and/or prostitution business, imagine every establishment has at least one overly aggressive Asian gentleman outside offering increasingly ridiculous deals in order to get you to frequent his establishment. (The best we heard was 2 free drinks and a 95% discount, which led us to believe that even breathing in the food’s fumes would lead to immediate food poisoning.)

It was quite an experience, the likes of which I’ve never seen anywhere else. The whole street was lit up like a red light district, with curry houses hawking their wares with increasingly outlandish neon displays the further down the street you went.

I’ve only gone and forgotten the name of the place we ate at, but it was quite good. We were recommended by someone who knew Brick Lane’s idiosyncrasies to look out for two things: restaurants that were full, and restaurants that didn’t have anyone hawking their wares outside. Sadly the latter was impossible as every place had someone outside badgering people with crazy deals and discounts that I doubt very much they would have honoured come bill-paying time. But the one we picked was pretty full the whole time we were there.

The toilets smelled absolutely awful, though, like a fetid stench-pit from the very bowels of Hell. Fortunately you couldn’t smell them from the eating area. Probably for the best.

So there’s your tourist attraction of the day. In London? Like curry? Don’t mind being harassed by what are essentially curry-pimps? Then Brick Lane is for you.

#oneaday, Day 328: Hi, America

Hai, America. You know, I’ve been looking at you for a while and I thought, you know, you’re kinda cool and I wondered if you’d, you know, like to hang out some time, maybe, and get a coffee or something. Cause, you know, I, like, think you’re pretty cool. And stuff.

I’m serious! I like your food. You sure know how to do a good breakfast. It’s a breakfast worth getting up for in the morning. Sure, a typically British bacon sandwich is all very well and good, but there’s little that can beat a stack of pancakes, some waffles, some French toast or indeed the wonder that is Eggs Benedict, which I discovered the other morning after spending the night with you.

You know what else? And this is going to sound a bit weird, ’cause I wonder how many people compliment you on this, but I think your bread is awesome. Sure, you can get fancy-pants bread from fancy-pants bakeries in the UK, but your everyday sort of bread, the sort that you make everyday toast and sandwiches from? That’s functional at best, dry and sawdusty at worst. You make me appreciate a good sandwich. And I like sandwiches at the best of times. But you make me appreciate them more. I like that.

You also seem to have the art of the takeaway down to a fine art. We Britons of Britainland believe that we are the masters of the Chinese and Indian takeaways, but I can honestly say that I think yours are better. Your Indian curries are creamy and smooth and delicious, and your Chinese meals are full of flavour and they come in those awesome little cardboard boxes with the lids that are a good shape to eat the food straight from with a pair of chopsticks, instead of those foil trays with the cardboard lids that are always way too hot to put on your lap.

Since we’re being honest here, I don’t like how you use the word “an” before words that start with an “h”, which isn’t a vowel, and you spell “aluminium” wrong, not to mention your seeming aversion to the letters “u” and “s”. Also, as our beloved comedian Eddie Izzard says, “herb” is pronounced “herb” because “there’s a fucking ‘H’ in it”.

But you know what? I don’t care. I can accept your flaws because they make you more colorful (see what I did there?) and interesting. I can accept that you use the word “momentarily” different to the way I do, and I think it’s charming. All your sweet, nutty bread and pancakes and Hollandaise sauce on eggs and love of good coffee and ability to put free Wi-Fi hotspots in places other than Starbucks just make me think that, you know, you’re pretty sort of kind of cool and I think it’d be, you know, nice if we could, um, spend a bit more time together. If you know what I mean.

A Jedi in New York: Day 5

I’m writing this post retrospectively as Jane recovered yesterday and I spent the day feeling rather unpleasantly ill, finally experiencing the unpleasantness of vomiting first via my mouth then via my arse at about 5am. I feel a bit better now though, if tired. Maybe we’re allergic to New York, maybe we picked up some weird virus, I don’t know. But I think we’re both over it now having spent some time talking to God.

Despite this, we had a great day yesterday. We visited the Natural History Museum which, despite getting up the earliest we’ve managed all week, we somehow didn’t manage to get into until after lunch. This may have been partly due to our practical demonstration of the difference between “local” and “express” Metro trains – the latter of which was the first one we boarded today, then wondered why it sailed past the station for the Natural History Museum, then streets beyond it until we were well over 40 blocks away from where we wanted to be!

We’re going back to the Museum today to see some other bits because we didn’t have a lot of time to see things in the end, though we got a chance to see the dinosaurs and an interesting section on Asian peoples. We got kicked out at closing time though – 5:45 – so we decided to head down to the south end of Manhattan to take a look at Bodies… The Exhibition. I think most people know about this by now, but for the uninitiated, it’s an exhibition showing how our bodies work via the means of real-life dissected bodies.

This wasn’t as gross as I was expecting, interestingly. It was, however, interesting to see the different body parts, how they interact and what they actually look like. There were also some interesting displays on the blood supply to various parts of the body, where they had injected the veins and arteries with a special dye and then chemically “decomposed” the rest of the body, leaving only the blood vessels.

The other great thing about Bodies which I hadn’t really considered before was its stunning use of lighting. The whole exhibition hall was very dark, with pools of light surrounding each major exhibit, but also focusing very tightly on small “body trivia” signs on the wall. The overall effect was very distinctive and memorable, and lent a huge amount of atmosphere to the whole exhibition.

Finally, once we had done this, it was time to go out for dinner to a restaurant I’d heard a little about from a few people and was intrigued to try, though it had a reputation for being expensive. I am referring to Ninja New York, a themed Japanese restaurant where you are served by ninjas and the food is self-proclaimed “high-end Japanese cuisine”. The food was indeed tasty, and the “interactive” dishes, which often involved something exploding or having to pull a sword out of something followed by it emitting an atmospheric mist were great. We also got an after-dinner magic show by “New York’s tallest ninja” who displayed some Derren Brown-style tricks to us which he admitted were inspired by the performer, and that he secretly hoped Derren Brown didn’t get too popular in the States because he’d then be relegated to the status of “Oh hey, you’re that guy who does stuff a bit like Derren Brown”. His mastery of manipulation and misdirection was excellent though, and it was a great display to finish the meal with.

The only things with the Ninja restaurant was you need to be 1) really hungry (we had a five-course banquet…) 2) really rich (…for $50-$70 each) and 3) not mind that “recommendations” sometimes turn into “orders” without you remembering having ordered them (and to counter this, if something unexpected arrives, simply tell them… they’re ninjas, they can handle it). All in all though, it was a fantastic meal that is worth experiencing, particularly, I would imagine, if you have kids.

We’re flying home at 10pm local time tonight. Neither of us want to go home. We’ve started to feel “settled” here now and are coming to terms with New York’s own little idiosyncrasies, although the Metro still occasionally bamboozles us. We’ll definitely be back, without question.

A Jedi in New York: Day 1

Those of you who know me, follow me on Twitter or have been secretly watching me from the bushes will know that I got married to my beautiful and gorgeous now-wife Jane on Sunday 26th October. The wedding was a huge success thanks to the not inconsiderable labours of the new Mrs Jedi along with assistance and financial support from our respective parents. Some photos can be found here with more to follow – if you were in attendance at the wedding and have some photos to upload, please feel free to use the Upload button to contribute your own photographs.

Now we’re over in New York for our honeymoon – yes, it’s the land of Papapishu and Lord Regulus, and we arrived last night, so today was our first full day here. I’ve decided to blog the experience (most of it, at least…) as a nice record of what we got up to. Like the wedding, there will be photos to follow upon our return – watch this space for details of where to find them.

So what did we get up to today? Quite a few things, actually, considering the fact that we decided today would be a day of “wandering” and discovering things rather than setting out to specifically do something. The only task we had to complete today was to pick up our New York Pass, a cool little card that Jane found out about before we left. Essentially, it’s a card that allows you free or discounted entry to a lot of the popular New York attractions such as the Empire State Building, the Guggenheimer, Madame Tussauds and numerous others, as well as money off Broadway tickets and food at various restaurants.

We began our day with breakfast at the Ritz Diner on East 62nd Street at 1st Avenue (or whichever way around you’re supposed to say them), a pleasant little dive that we found on our first night here. It’s a 24-hour traditional American diner with a huge menu (the kind that Gordon Ramsay would immediately want to set fire to and jump up and down on) and cheap prices. I had a stack of pancakes with eggs (sunny side – partly because I can never remember the American expressions for the different types of eggs except that one) and Jane had some waffles with bananas and blueberries. The breakfast was so enormous we theorised that it would be enough to sustain us for the whole day’s activities… and we weren’t wrong.

After that, we glanced at our guidebooks to attempt to work out which way we had to go to pick up our New York Pass. We knew it was somewhere in the region of Times Square but didn’t really know how to get there. It turned out we had to head vaguely West. So we did, crossing 1st, 2nd and 3rd Avenue and being momentarily confused by the lack of a 4th Avenue and instead having a Lexington, Madison and Park Avenue before we reached the famous 5th Avenue.

Upon reaching 5th, we had a stroll down it to look at the man shops, including, of course, the striking exterior of the Apple Store. I resisted the temptation to go in but took some photos of the outside of the building because, after all, it’s interesting to look at. But enough of that. We continued along 5th until we came to the corner of 45th Street, down which we turned because we’d noticed earlier on our guide map that we could pick up our Passes from Planet Hollywood which just happened to be on 45th Street and Broadway.

Down 45th Street I came across a sight which made us both chuckle a little – the Big Apple Hostel. Now, the location of this place is amazing – about 2 minutes’ walk away from Broadway – but from the outside it looks like the least inviting place in the history of ever. The fact that it stands right next to a distinctly pleasant-looking coffee house makes it seem all the more out-of-place, particularly given its proximity to the glitz of Broadway and Times Square.

Finally we reached Planet Hollywood and picked up our Passes. We stopped at the bar to have a milkshake – by this time, it was lunchtime, but given the enormous size of our breakfasts we weren’t feeling hungry in the slightest, so we settled for a simple drink and an ogle at the cheesiness that is the interior of that place.

Upon leaving PH, we strolled down Broadway. The sun had come out now after a dull start to the day with a few minutes of rain, so I took the opportunity to take a lot of photos. I’m finally starting to work out what the different settings on my still-quite-new Nikon D40 DSLR do, as will hopefully be evidenced by the photos I’ve taken. The photos certainly look nice on the camera’s built-in LCD – I guess it remains to be seen if they still look good on a monitor!

Jane led me down Broadway to an unknown destination – to me, at least. Said destination became immediately apparent once we reached East 34th Street and we saw the Empire State Building rising majestically into the skies. We decided that now would be a good time to ascend the gigantic building and also to take the New York Skyride simulator tour. Yes, we are doing gratuitously touristy things, and I’m sure those of you who live in or know NYC will be groaning at what we’ve done so far, but what the hell. The last time I came to New York I was four years old and can remember precisely jack shit about it, while Jane had been more recently but had ascended the tower on a very cold day when visibility wasn’t great.

The view from the top of the ESB was predictably fantastic (and yes, there were yet more photos taken) but the other thing which struck me about the building was the sheer number of queues you had to join in order to get to the top. There’s a queue to get through security. There’s a queue to get your tickets. There’s a queue to get in the elevator to the 80th floor. There’s a queue on the 80th floor to get in the elevator to the 86th floor, where the observation deck is. Once you’ve finished viewing the, err, view, there’s a queue to get down to the 80th floor, then a queue to get to the elevator to the 2nd floor… you get the idea. The whole experience, which was, let’s face it, getting in an elevator and going to the top of a really tall building, took over 3 hours altogether.

This sounds somewhat cynical. I don’t want to give the impression that ascending the ESB is a worthless experience – far from it, as the view at the top is spectacular. However, one shouldn’t go into it with the foolish assumption that I had, which was that it would be relatively straightforward to get in and get to the top!

Following our visit to the ESB, we decided we were hungry and decided to return to Planet Hollywood for dinner, as our two New York Passes gave us $20 off our meal there. While Planet Hollywood may not be the classiest cuisine in town, it was certainly very tasty and gave us the energy we needed to get back to the hotel.

It was a long walk around, but we covered a lot today, and I developed my “feel” for the area enormously. Before today, my knowledge of New York geography was extremely sketchy, despite playthroughs of Project Gotham and Grand Theft Auto. Incidentally, Grand Theft Auto has the “feel” of New York pretty much perfect (in my outsider’s opinion) and I recognised Times Square from both Project Gotham and Forza Motorsport 2. Kudos. No pun intended.

No idea what we’re covering tomorrow, but I’ll post if I get a moment! In the meantime, for those who are really, really interested, here’s a Google Map of today’s trip.