#oneaday Day 18: Attempting to Reset

I put half a pound on this week. This is not, in the grand scheme of things, a huge amount of weight, but I am a little disappointed and not at all surprised. I have not been particularly rigorous about taking care to be sensible with what I eat, and that somewhat laissez-faire attitude is being reflected in a lack of positive results.

All you can do in this situation, though, is hold up your hands, admit you made a mistake (or a few) and try to right the ship from hereon. What has already happened can’t be changed; what’s important is what you do next and what you learn from that mistake.

I’ve already started taking positive steps with the exercise. I made it out of the door and to the pool for a decent length swim this morning, after what was a surprisingly good night’s sleep. I woke up a lot of times, but every time it was because I was convinced it was 7am and time to get up, only to get the very pleasant surprise when I looked at my bedside clock and discovered that “time to get up” was still several hours away.

What I need to do is focus on some of the things that Slimming World talks about in the sessions, rather than just nodding along. Probably the key thing I need to focus on is “triggers” — in the slimming sense, these are the things that aren’t the greatest for you which you eat then immediately want more of. They are one of the biggest barriers to weight loss, because they are the things that are most likely to send you catastrophically “off plan”.

In many respects it’s like an addiction. I have some experience of dealing with people who have struggled through addiction to substances more harmful than food — thankfully, those addictions appear to be in the past for the people concerned — but I recognise some of the same behaviours in myself when I “lapse”. A desire to make myself “feel better” through the thing that is the source of a lot of my troubles; an inability to stop once I’ve started that “self-medication” process; the mental association between feeling like I “deserve” something that is bad for me for [insert justification here].

Part of my trouble is not having what I think of as “safety nets” in place — and the fact I’m somewhat inclined to think negatively of those safety nets. My immediate reaction to seemingly obvious advice like “don’t eat a bag of sweets, have a piece of fruit instead” is that this is an absolutely laughable statement, even though I know fruit can be perfectly satisfying and even delicious. I need to get out of that mindset — and to have those pieces of fruit readily to hand so I can start making positive associations with them.

There are countless other examples, but there are days when it just all feels like work. And it is work; work with tangible benefits over the long term. It’s those long-term benefits I need to keep my focus on, because it’s short-term factors — i.e. the way I’m feeling right now — that is causing me difficulties.

I don’t need advice or anything. I know what I need to do, and putting it down on “paper” will likely go at least a little way towards fixing some of those things a bit further forward in my mind. I know I can do this — I’ve done it once before — so I just have to knuckle down and actually do it.

For now, though, bed. Without biscuits.

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1995: Diet-Friendly Snacky Things

Since starting Slimming World, I’ve had to make a number of adjustments to my lifestyle to ensure that I continue to lose weight. And it’s been a lot easier to do than I thought it would be; while there are days when I still miss cake or really, really want a whole bag of Wine Gums, for the most part I’m pretty much okay. And the reason for this is that I’ve found a number of acceptable “substitutes” for those times when I just want to eat something as a snack — not a full meal, but just something to munch on for whatever reason.

I have a couple of weaknesses that contributed to my weight gain in the first place: firstly, I very much have a weakness for sweet things (such as the aforementioned cake and wine gums) and secondly, I have a tendency to eat when I’m depressed (which is quite often) or when I’m bored (which often leads to depression). These habits are fundamental parts of my character that I can’t eliminate entirely, but which I can act upon in a more… responsible manner.

As such, here are some of the diet-friendly snacky things that I tend to make sure I have in the cupboard or fridge at all times, so that any time I’m feeling peckish for whatever reason, I can grab them and enjoy them without guilt that I’m ruining the hard work I’ve been doing.

Laughing Cow Little Cravings

These things were a revelation. I wouldn’t call myself a particular cheese addict — in stark contrast to my wife, who loves a bit of cheese, despite technically being lactose intolerant — but I do like cheesy things now and then. What Little Cravings are is small, bite-size cubes of Laughing Cow cheese spread, optionally flavoured to taste a bit like “real” cheese — in the case of the pack shown on the right, cheddar, smoked processed cheese and blue cheese.

They’re surprisingly tasty and satisfy a craving when one comes long. Plus at half a Syn each (you can have 5-15 Syns per day) on Slimming World, they really are pretty much guilt-free, which is exactly what I want from a snack.

Metcalfe’s Skinny Popcorn

I love popcorn. My favourite is toffee popcorn, which obviously (probably — I haven’t checked) isn’t at all diet-friendly, but Metcalfe’s range of “skinny popcorn” (sometimes found branded as “skinny topcorn” for some reason) is really tasty, comes in a variety of different flavours (I’m a particular fan of the sweet and salty variety pictured here, along with the cinnamon and honey flavoured ones) and is very low on the Syns, at 2.5 Syns per small bag or serving (a little under 20g, which in popcorn terms is actually a reasonably generous portion).

While it’s not quite the same as a bag of crisps, a bag of popcorn, I find, satisfies that similar urge for something crunchy and/or salty (or, sometimes, sweet, depending on the flavour) so I’m going to make sure I have plenty of this on hand when I can.

Muller Light

I was never a big yogurt-eater while I was growing up. I had that childish thing where I didn’t like “bits” in my yogurt, and while I don’t mind it now, I still generally prefer a smooth dessert of some description.

Enter Muller Light, then, which is not only Syn-free for most flavours (there are a couple of exceptions) but which has a range of very tasty smooth flavours, some of which even have sprinkles of dark chocolate on them, helping to satisfy chocolate cravings. It’s not a lot of chocolate, admittedly, but it’s better than nothing — and it’s completely guilt-free, which is just wonderful. I particularly recommend the vanilla with chocolate, orange with chocolate, coconut with chocolate and skinny cappuccino flavours, the latter of which I am disappointed that I haven’t been able to find recently.

Fish

I eat a lot more fish than I used to. A quick and easy lunch for me these days is a bowl of rice with some smoked mackerel in some kind of sauce stirred into it. Most of these are Syn-free, too (there are exceptions, but none of them are particularly high — you’re safe with the tomato and spicy tomato varieties, which are both Syn-free) and between them and the rice (which is Syn-free if you cook it properly, one Syn if you’re lazy and use the Uncle Ben’s pouches thanks to the oil in them) they satisfy hunger for a good long period, making them ideal for either lunch or just a snack if you’re feeling particularly hungry. You will smell of fish, though, so be prepared to explain that.

1913: Loser

I blogged before last night’s Slimming World session so I wasn’t able to enthuse about my progress, so I’ll do it now instead.

After a small gain (1lb — I kind of expected it after an extravagant lunch on a training day for some new work I’m starting on) last week, I made up for that with a frankly somewhat surprising loss of 5lb this week.

I won’t lie: I’d been concerned that last week’s gain would herald the beginning of a “plateau” of weight loss, and force me into having to cut back even more on the things that I’m still able to have while losing weight. I’ve already sacrificed some of life’s particularly great pleasures like a lot of takeaways (though, pleasingly, if I eat carefully for the rest of the day I can still get away with my favourite curry, a dhansak), pizza, cake, non-diet fizzy pop and a lot of chocolate (though, again, I can occasionally get away with this if I’m careful) and don’t really want to have to give up anything else; it’s all very well saying that people should “eat healthily”, but if the things you suggest people snack on taste like wood chippings and don’t satisfy cravings at all, then that’s not going to help anyone.

Thankfully, as we’ve seen, that hasn’t happened; I’ve continued doing what I’ve been doing — following the Slimming World programme pretty strictly, except on occasions where it’s impossible to do so due to the food being out of my control — and I’ve made impressive progress this week.

One thing following the programme has done for me is make me think a bit more carefully about what choices I make when presented with a situation like going out for lunch. I had the pleasing opportunity to catch up with some friends I haven’t seen for ages the other day at a local bar/cafe/cantina-type place that we’re all rather fond of. It would have been very easy to simply order the “Hero Burger” from the menu — which is an amazing burger, to be fair, accompanied by skin-on crispy fries — but instead I opted for the jambalaya, which, while still not entirely “healthy” is probably better for me than a burger and chips. (It wasn’t bad, though a little oniony for my taste.)

I’ve also successfully made the transition to diet sodas for the most part; I’ve discovered that while Diet Coke still tastes like piss, Diet Pepsi actually doesn’t, to me, taste particularly different to actual Pepsi. If we’re talking full-sugar goodness, I prefer Coke, but in the diet sector, Pepsi is much nicer. I was also pleased to discover that diet Fanta (and Tesco equivalents) don’t taste any different to their full-sugar counterparts, so that was an easy switch to make, too.

For years, it’s felt like an unattainable dream to imagine myself as being a bit… all right, a lot slimmer. But finally, I feel like it’s something I might be able to achieve. It might — it probably will — take months, maybe even years, but I’m on the right track for once, and it’s nice to feel at least one aspect of my life is proceeding in the right direction.

1903: Easter Sunday

It’s Easter today. This is one of those days that declines in importance as you get further away from childhood, until you reach the point I’m apparently at today, where you just ignore it completely.

That’s kind of a shame, really, as it was fun to have specific days to look forward to for whatever reason — birthdays and Christmas for presents, Easter for chocolate — but I can’t help but feel that most of these occasions are made a big fuss of primarily for the benefit of children.

This isn’t a bad thing, of course; in many ways, modern children are being forced to “grow up” much too quickly, and thus allowing them days of unmitigated excitement about imaginary figures and the prospect of presents coming down from on high is an important part of allowing them to cling on to their childhood for as long as possible. There’s a difficult balance to strike as well, of course: ensuring that said children don’t end up spoiled and turning into those ungrateful (and probably fictional) brats that Buzzfeed et al dig up every so often, who whine on social media about getting the wrong colour iPhone or a car with a sunroof when they wanted a convertible or whatever.

Perhaps it’s just cynicism on my part that prevents me from enjoying these occasions as much as I did when I was younger. Perhaps it’s my depression contributing to matters, making me either unwilling or unable to just switch off and enjoy myself without worrying about the things that worry me every other day of the week. Or perhaps it really is the case that I’m too old to care about these things a great deal any more, and would rather just take aim at the big picture, the seemingly unattainable aim of having a quiet, peaceful life with no worries.

One thing I will say about ignoring Easter today, though, is that I haven’t really missed chocolate. In fact, I haven’t really had much chocolate since joining the Slimming World programme a while back. The “syns” system allows the flexibility to have a chocolate bar now and then, and there’s some tasty Slimming World-branded chocolate chewy bars that are rather nice, so I haven’t had to go entirely without sweet things. But as fun as it was to have a sideboard covered with various shiny eggs come Easter morning — and then to spend the next few weeks getting through them a bit at a time, feeling slightly guilty at ruining its pretty presentation every time I cracked another one open — I can’t say I’ve particularly missed it today. And my waistline will probably thank me for not having temptation lying around the house!

So, then, balls to Easter, I guess, and balls to the bank holiday tomorrow; it’s hard to enjoy and appreciate it when you’re not really getting time off from anything — but if you’re currently enjoying a four-day weekend away from work and the pressures of “real life”, I hope you continue to do so tomorrow, and that you, at least, enjoyed stuffing your face with chocolate this Easter Sunday.

1899: Continued Shrinkage

Slimming World tonight, and I’m pleased to report that I lost another 3.5lb this week, which puts me in the “Club 10” category; I’ve lost 10% of what my body weight was when I started. If I can keep at or below this weight for 10 weeks, I get a free week of membership: a small reward, but an incentive nonetheless.

I’m pleased at how well I’ve managed to stick with it so far. The fact that the “diet” itself isn’t anywhere near as restrictive as a lot of other plans has helped me maintain my motivation to keep with it. I can continue to eat many of the things I enjoy, so long as they’re prepared appropriately — in most cases, this means substituting oil for low-calorie cooking spray, which I haven’t noticed having a particularly big impact on flavour. It obviously rules out things like deep-frying, which is a shame as there are certain things — hash browns are one — which are unquestionably superior when deep-fried compared to baked, but it’s something I can live without.

Or rather, I don’t necessarily have to live without these things so long as I pay attention to their “syn” values. Syns are abstract values that I believe are somewhat tied to calorific content, but also seem take into account things like sugar, fat and so on. The pronunciation of the name is perhaps a little misleading — they’re not “sins”, but rather short for “synergy” in that they provide controlled doses of the parts of a balanced diet that are easy to let run away with themselves — things like the aforementioned fats and sugars. We need these things to function — we need calories, too — but having too much of anything is where problems start. By limiting “syn” intake to 5-15 a day — I normally err towards the 15 mark, since I still enjoy my food — it’s much easier to keep a handle on what’s going in. And that, in turn, helps the weight continue to fall off: since I’ve started, which was, I believe, about 10 weeks ago, I haven’t had a single week where I haven’t lost weight as yet. I’m sure it’ll happen eventually — every week I expect to have reached that plateau and have to start working a bit harder — but for now, the efforts I’m making are being rewarded.

And that’s a good feeling. At a time in my life where I can’t honestly say things have been going particularly “well” — though things are marginally better than they have been thanks to me getting some sporadic work here and there — it’s nice to have one thing where I’m consistently and regularly having the opportunity to genuinely celebrate some success. And I’m pleased that the Slimming World group I’m a member of — as with most Slimming World groups, from what I’m given to understand — is more than happy to celebrate that success and keep me motivated to continue.

That and the fact I tried a pair of jeans on earlier that I couldn’t do up a few months ago and they went on easily.

1892: Shrunken

Slimming World meeting tonight, and I’d lost another 2.5lbs this week. That means for the last 9 weeks I’ve consistently been losing weight, and I’ve now lost a little over 2 stone in total.

To say I’m pleased is an understatement. I still have a long way to go, of course, and I intend to keep doing what I’m doing as it seems to be working, but it’s been heartening to see the lifestyle changes I’ve made since joining the programme having a noticeable and positive effect.

There’s a few major changes to what I was doing before that have taken some adjusting to, but which are now fairly comfortably part of my usual routine. Firstly, I’ve cut right back on dairy; I used to drink a lot of milk which, of course, has its own health benefits, but which is also calorific and packed with fat. I’ve never been a mega-fan of cheese — I like it well enough, but I can happily live without it — so that’s been fairly straightforward to cut out, too. Instead, using the Slimming World “Healthy Extra” system, I limit myself to one latte in the morning (with 250ml milk measured) or 30g of cheese in a meal. I can spend some “Syns” to have both in a single day — I did tonight, in fact — but I’m now pretty much in the habit of keeping my dairy intake controlled.

Secondly is keeping an eye on what I drink, as this is probably where a lot of calories have snuck up on me in the past. I like to drink cold drinks, particularly cans, so I’ve switched exclusively to diet or “Zero” drinks instead of the Fat Cokes I used to enjoy. I’m still not a huge fan of Diet Coke, but other diet versions of popular drinks have proven surprisingly palatable. I actually think I prefer Diet Pepsi to regular Pepsi and Pepsi Max now, and Fanta/Sprite/Lilt/Dr Pepper/Irn Bru Zero are all pretty much indistinguishable from the “real thing”, and those are all drinks I like, so the fridge is kept well-stocked with those for when I want a cold drink, and it’s squashes or water at other times.

Thirdly is the aforementioned “syns”, keeping an eye on what other things I’m eating over the course of the day. The nice thing about Slimming World is that a lot of food is “free” (i.e. you can have as much as you like — and this includes stuff like pasta, rice and lean meat) but you also have the flexibility to use these “syns” to slip some extra stuff in there, too. (The “syn” part is from “synergy”, not “sin”; they’re supposed to complement the “free” foods and fill in the gaps for a balanced diet with things like sugar, fat and whatnot — the things that can easily get out of control, but which are still necessary for a decent diet.) Checking syn values of various foods has been eye-opening, and also helps me to make better choices when things are on offer. This doesn’t mean I can’t treat myself — indeed, when I went over to Boston for PAX, I pretty much took a few days completely off from the programme as it simply wasn’t practical to follow when I didn’t have full control over what I’d be eating — but it does mean that I can think more carefully about what I’m eating and drinking.

So it’s going well so far. I’m sure the weight loss will slow down or even stagnate at some point, but it’s encouraging that I’ve managed to lose so much so (relatively) quickly. A few people have commented that they can see the difference, and for once, I think I can, too. I’m still not happy with my body — I have a lot of weight to lose — but I’m happier with it than I was nine weeks ago, and hopefully that pattern will continue. Whether I’ll make it into the realm of the normal-sized people I don’t know — genetically, the odds are stacked somewhat against me — but I can but continue trying.

1862: Eat Well

So, how is this whole Slimming World thing going?

Pretty well, actually. I’ve lost over a stone since I started, and while I do occasionally feel like I’m “missing out” on some things that I previously would have grabbed and enjoyed without question — I’m talking about obviously awful-for-you-but-delicious things like cakes, anything involving pastry, McDonald’s breakfasts and all manner of other dreadfulness — on the whole I don’t feel like I’m starving myself, because there’s usually something around that I can eat and enjoy without feeling hungry.

And I think that’s the key part of this. Often I’d eat something just because I was feeling hungry, and there was also a certain degree of using it as a “coping” strategy, too; I’d reward myself with something tasty if I felt I “deserved” it, and it was never particularly difficult to think of a reason that I “deserved” it, whether it had been a good day or a bad one.

The nice thing about the Slimming World programme is that I can actually still do this if I want to — I just have to reward myself with something that isn’t a cake or a sausage roll or something. Fortunately, there are plenty of things that I do like that are “free” on the programme, so that’s not too much of an issue.

There’s also the fact that there’s quite a few pleasant surprises in terms of recipes and things that count as “free”. You can have as much meat as you like, for example, so long as it’s lean, and stuff like pasta and rice is also free. (Microwave rice is not completely free, mind you, as there’s a bit of oil in there; it’s still only 1 “syn”, though, so it’s not super-terrible, as you’re supposed to have between 5 and 15 “syns” per day.) I like meat, so it’s good to be able to just snack on some nice chicken pieces or something; better for me than crisps, for sure, and maybe possibly nicer? I’m not sure.

Andie also looked up a recipe for a Slimming World-friendly dessert the other night. The website has an impressive collection of these (along with various main courses), so we chose the Apple Betty. It came out really nicely, and tastes great. It’s not syn-free, but it’s fairly low on the guilt scale, with just 2 syns per slice. Best of all, it “feels” like a “proper” dessert. I love desserts; they’re probably my biggest weakness. So to be able to still enjoy them and stick to the programme is great.

I’ve also been really impressed with the Slimming World ready meals that recently launched, exclusive to Iceland. They’re good quality food and substantial portions; I’ve certainly never finished one and felt like I could eat another one, which is a criticism which can be levelled at other “healthy” ready meals, particularly the rather stingy portions from Weight Watchers. I’ve also been impressed to discover that it is indeed possible to produce a “syn-free” sausage, and they taste pretty good, too. I have no idea what they’ve done to them to make them syn-free, but they make for a great and guilt-free sausage sandwich, which is something to be celebrated.

Anyway. I’m glad I’ve been able to stick with it even with all the unpleasantness that’s occurred recently. It would have been so easy to just give up and slip back into my old ways, but knowing that weekly weigh-in is coming every Wednesday helps jar me back to “reality” and make me think that I don’t really need to eat something awful for me just because I feel a bit crap; I can eat, by all means, I just need to be more mindful of what it is that I am actually eating.

Success so far, then, but I still have a long way to go before I get to where I want to be. Hopefully this journey will continue in the right direction.

1843: Laugh, and Grow Less Fat

Third week of Slimming World this week, and my second weigh-in since I started the programme. Not quite as drastic a loss this week, but still a loss of 3.5lbs; if I can keep it up at this pace, I’ll be quite satisfied since, as I’ve said before, the nice thing about the Slimming World “food optimising” programme is that it’s sustainable rather than a crash diet: it’s a means of getting yourself to think a little more carefully about what you’re eating.

This evening was an interesting meeting. I’m still at that phase in a new group activity where I don’t really know anyone and don’t want to talk to anyone — social anxiety sucks like that, but at least the group is a supportive environment; if you can’t feel supported and at least vaguely safe at a weight loss therapy group, there are perhaps bigger issues at play — but this evening had a nice activity to get us up and doing something. Doing something that fat people do best: eating.

The twist, of course, was that the impressive spread everyone contributed to on the group’s central table was made up of “free” foods; recipes concocted using those foods that, under Slimming World’s programme, you can eat as much of as you like. (There were a couple of dishes that had a few “Syns” in them, also, but in all these cases, the Syn value was incredibly low compared to a “proper” version of the food in question; a chocolate brownie made using butternut squash — yes, really — had only 2.5 Syns, for example, whereas a “real” brownie would likely be double figures.) There were some really delicious dishes on the table, many of which are things I’d like to have again at some point, which was sort of the key to the whole exercise, really: any time you diet, even on a programme as flexible as Slimming World, you’ll sometimes find yourself stuck in a rut, eating the same things all the time, so it’s good to see what other people have and enjoy and perhaps pick up some ideas from it.

And there were plenty of ideas. I came away from the session feeling something that I was surprised to realise that I haven’t really felt for a while: I felt excited about food. Not guilty, not resigned, not despairing, but excited. The tasty, flavourful dishes I enjoyed tonight are all things that can be made at home relatively easily, and I look forward to trying them out a bit more often. Slimming World’s website, likewise, has plenty of great recipes that all look eminently manageable and don’t require outlandish crazy diet ingredients; they’re solid, satisfying food intended to plug the hole in your hunger and keep you feeling full, while at the same time having a good balance of the things you need from a healthy diet.

I paid up for six weeks of the programme in advance tonight. There may well be slow, demoralising weeks ahead, but a strong first couple of weeks has given me, for the first time, a little bit of faith that perhaps I can do this, and perhaps I’m not doomed to be a disgusting fat failure for my whole life.