2381: Awareness is Half the Battle

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Remember a few days ago I wrote about my own particular take on “creative block”?

Turns out the simple act of explicitly acknowledging the fact I’m aware of this issue with my own attention span has helped me to do something about it.

In the times when I’ve been working on my RPG Maker MV project, I’ve been considerably more productive than I have been in the past, with far less staring into space and far more in the way of map-making. The current map count for the project now stands at 72, which means I’m well over halfway to assembling the first of the five “worlds” in the game, which is also likely to be the most complex and largest, and so a good idea to get out of the way first. (I know I’m well over halfway because I’ve mapped out what I want the final overall map to look like on paper, and numbered each of the individual “rooms”.)

I’ve also found this awareness to be very helpful when doing actual work rather than just pissing around with RPG Maker. I’ve finally had some freelance work start flowing in again, and I’ve been managing to sit down and concentrate on it enough to get it done efficiently and in plenty of time to submit for the deadline without having to do a last-minute rush on everything. (Even when I did a last-minute rush, I always got stuff in on time, mind you; it was just rather more stressful than it really needed to be.)

Whether this new way of thinking will stick around — and, for that matter, if it’s anything to do with the new anti-anxiety drugs I’m on, which have just about stopped making me feel perpetually stoned now, thankfully — remains to be seen, but I’m going to take full advantage of it while it’s here, and maybe even get a creative project or two actually finished. That’d be something, eh?

Incidentally, I’m not quite ready to reveal the full extent of my RPG Maker MV project as yet, since its very nature is something I’d like to keep as a bit of a surprise for some of my friends. Over the coming weeks as things start to come together, though, you can expect a few teasers of what I’ve been up to. I will, however, say up front that I’ve mostly been using RPG Maker MV’s stock art resources with it (albeit with some lovely lighting effects courtesy of a wonderful plugin), because that always seems to be something that people whinge about with RPG Maker projects, even those just done for “fun” like this one. I am hoping, however, that the story, the writing, the characters and the humour in it will more than make up for my own lack of artistic talent and consequent reliance on provided art resources.

There’s also going to be some great music in it; some of it stock RPG Maker tracks (RPG Maker MV’s provided music is seriously way too good not to include at least some of it!) and some provided by members of the RPG Maker community. If I’m feeling particularly adventurous, I might even compose some of my own work for it, but let’s take things one step at a time, shall we…?

2219: Picking at the Scab of Creativity

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That’s a horrible metaphor, I know, but the more I think about it, the more that it seems to make a certain amount of sense.

I’ve been picking at said scab for the last few days, as I said I was going to. I haven’t been spending all day on it or anything, but an hour here and an hour there has meant that a story I’ve been wanting to finish since my teenage years is finally making some progress further beyond the point where it typically stalls any time I attempt to form it into some sort of… well, format.

I’m taking a different approach to what I usually do, and it feels like it’s working. Those who have read my various month-long sort of NaNoWriMo projects and other creative pieces will know that I have something of a tendency to write in a fairly spontaneous manner — in other words, I don’t really plan anything out in advance, and this usually serves me well but occasionally sees me writing myself into a bit of a dead end I’m not sure how to escape from. In contrast, then, said scab-picking has involved not just continuing on with what I’ve already written — which is a substantial number of words that I’m actually quite pleased with so far — but instead planning out a synopsis, chapter by chapter, of what’s coming next.

Doing this has helped me get over the biggest creative block I’ve had with this work — a creative block that has lasted a good 15 years or so at last count. The trouble with this story is that I know how it begins and I know roughly how it ends, but I’ve never quite figured out what happens in the middle of it or the specifics of the ending. Now I’m planning each chapter out in general terms rather than trying to write meaningful scenes as I get to them, I feel like I’m developing a much stronger sense of the work’s complete structure, and those middle bits are starting to fall into place naturally. It’s that old thing where a huge job looks daunting if you look at the whole thing, but if you take it a single task at a time it suddenly seems a lot more manageable.

So picking a scab then — why? Well, because I’ve been picking at it for the last few days, and each time I do so, I feel my creativity loosen up a bit. It’s surely — hopefully — only a matter of time before that scab comes off completely and creativity comes gushing forth from a newly reopened wound, splattering the walls and desk with… you know what? Maybe I didn’t think this metaphor through as much as I thought I had.

Anyway. Disgusting mental imagery aside, I’m pleased with my progress, even though it’s relatively minor in the grand scheme of what I need to do to finish the damn thing. It is progress, though, and while I’m still not feeling great about bumming around at home all day rather than having a proper job, it is at least helping me to feel like I’m achieving something, however miniscule that something might be. And that’s pretty important.

Let’s hope I can keep that motivation going, a bit at a time.

2217: When You Have No Occupation, You Should Stay Occupied

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One of the things that is most difficult about being out of work is keeping yourself occupied without falling into unproductive routines. It would be extremely easy to not bother doing anything useful at all each and every day, treating the time “off” as a kind of holiday, watching television, playing games, listening to the radio or falling into a deep, existential depression while staring at the ceiling of one’s bedroom. I say it is extremely easy to do these things because I have done all these things while out of work at various points. Sometimes you need that time to yourself, but unfortunately, said time to yourself doesn’t pay the bills.

Doing nothing but hunting for jobs isn’t necessarily the most productive course of action either, though. Job-hunting is an enormously demoralising experience, since by its very definition you’re going to be faced with more inexplicable rejection than acceptance in most cases. At other times, you’ll find yourself faced with an opportunity that just doesn’t seem quite right, but which you feel guilty turning down because you need work. (I say this having turned down two opportunities recently that didn’t feel right at all. Like, a big ol’ “bad feeling in the guy” not right at all.) That can be exhausting, and the toll it takes on your mental faculties can have an adverse effect on your subsequent attempts to find work as you lose patience with it and get tempted to apply to any old thing on the off-chance someone will find you in any way employable.

Therefore, it’s important to find other ways to occupy yourself, and to divide your days up into various things that, if they’re not necessarily directly productive, they at least provide you with the opportunity to feel like you’ve accomplished something. Indulging in a creative project, learning something new, practising your skills in something — all of these things are good ways to spend your time and if you’re out of work, it’s an ideal opportunity to spend some of those empty hours doing them.

You’ll notice that I’m writing this and using the word “you” a lot, as if I’m giving advice to someone else. Really, I’m giving advice to myself, to be perfectly honest, since as previously noted, I find it much too easy to sink into depression and just want to comfort myself with things that don’t require too much in the way of effort. But that way leads further into bad situations, so from tomorrow, I’m going to make a particular effort to spend a bit of time each day doing something that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I don’t think I’m going to go so far as to schedule what I should do when — not for the moment, anyway, though that has worked for me in the past — but I am going to ensure that I do at least one thing every day for a minimum of an hour that leaves me feeling satisfied that I’m not completely wasting my time.

Activities that spring immediately to mind to accomplish this include music practice, music composition, creative writing (both fiction and non-fiction — I have a number of ideas for both), Japanese language studies, developing my computer skills (particularly with regard to things like programming and/or web design), working on the next edition of the magazine I shared with you a while back and making more gaming videos. That should keep me busy on a fairly regular basis; some of those things may even lead to further actual paying opportunities of various descriptions in the future, if not immediately.

Mostly they’re attempts to keep myself occupied and feeling positive. I feel I’m at a particularly low ebb right now, if that wasn’t already abundantly clear from my recent entries, and I want to feel like I’m making the best of a bad situation rather than wallowing in sadness. It won’t be easy, but I feel it’s probably the best way to approach what I’m dealing with at the moment.

Wish me luck.

1101: Just Finish the Damn Thing

I’ve lost count of the number of “make my own game” projects I’ve started and abandoned over the years. I’ve started a new one recently which, theoretically, should be relatively straightforward to finish, so I will keep you all updated on its progress occasionally via this blog.

I’m no programmer, so I tend to gravitate towards solutions that allow you to flex your creative muscles and create interactive entertainment without having to, well, code anything. My weapon of choice for the last few attempts has been the excellent RPG Maker VX Ace, which is an immensely powerful tool capable of doing some really great things while at the same time allowing pretty much anyone to churn out a fairly generic top-down JRPG without too much difficulty.

It’s the “capable of doing some really great things” part that I often find myself struggling with. Y’see, the trouble with being presented with a wealth of possibilities is choosing which ones you want to pursue and which ones you want to ignore. The temptation is to incorporate as many of them as possible in an attempt to make something as awesome as possible, but inevitably if you do that — particularly if you’re working alone — you’ll hit a brick wall where something doesn’t quite work properly with something else, get disheartened and probably give up.

I’m talking vaguely. Let me give some specific examples. The new game I’ve started making as a means of proving I can take a project through from start to finish is simply an adaptation of the quests from MB/Games Workshop’s classic board game Hero Quest. Given that the structure and storyline of the Hero Quest board game is very much a generic sort of dungeon crawler, this shouldn’t be too difficult once I’ve done what I always initially think of as “the annoying bit” — setting up the characters, statistics, skills and whatnot, and finding some appropriate graphics for their sprites. (I call it “the annoying bit” but if I sit down and get on with it, I actually find this part quite fun after a while.)

Anyway, I’m about halfway done with “the annoying bit” — its initial stages, anyway — and already I’m finding myself torn in several directions. Do I stick with RPG Maker’s rather generic first-person battle interface? It doesn’t evoke the feel of Hero Quest that much, but then trying to adapt a board game and sticking too religiously to its rules can often ruin the “computer gaminess” of it. All right then, I thought, I’ll stick with this battle system, but I’ll tweak it so things like damage formulae are a little closer to rolling the dice in the game. Except when I thought I’d done that, I discovered that my ineptitude with composing damage formulae to accurately simulate dice rolls created a number of monsters that were literally impossible to hurt. Not good. I replaced the formula with its original one, which deals with much higher numbers than your average tabletop game. Will that ruin the atmosphere? Is “Rogar does 96 damage” somehow less powerful than “Rogar does 4 damage”? Probably not. That’s a stupid thing to think.

I’m probably overthinking it, I know, and should just get on with it. What I think I really need to do is just make the game with the default systems, and then tweak and fine-tune afterwards. Difficulty balancing and that sort of thing is an important part of testing, so I’ll leave that until there’s actually a game there to test — there’s no point getting hung up on problems that don’t actually exist yet.

So that’s the plan. Over the next few days I will be taking some time to plug in Hero Quest’s various spells and items into the game in a format that will work within RPG Maker’s style of play, then I’ll put the game itself together. Then I’ll show it to some select friends — this project probably won’t get a wide release, unless it actually ends up being surprisingly good — and then, flush with satisfaction at having actually carried something through to completion for once, I can embark on something a little more ambitious.

One step at a time.

#oneaday Day 605: Finish What You… You Know

Certain projects are easy to finish. Start building an Ikea bookcase and chances are you’ll finish it within an hour or two. Sure, there may be some swearing, splinters, cuts and/or bruises along the way, but at least you’ll get it done, and when you’re finished, you’ll end up with a (hopefully) stable bookcase, and possibly one or two leftover screws that you really think should go somewhere.

Creative projects are a little different. It’s easy enough to start them, but it’s finishing them that is the tricky bit. The challenging part is that, unlike our friend Billy the bookcase, creative projects don’t necessarily have an obvious “end” in sight. Sure, you might have some sort of amorphous final goal in mind (“write a novel”, “record an album”, “paint a picture”) but the exact steps along the way that will lead you to that final conclusion are sometimes obscured by your own ambition.

I’ve come a cropper on this a few times. I’ve had a story in my head since I was about 15 years old. I’ve started trying to write it at least 5 or 6 times across several different media — traditional writing (from various perspectives), blog-based writing, as a video game, as a visual novel — and somehow, despite the fact I’m in love with my characters and I want to tell this story — somehow it never quite gets there.

It’s not a matter of motivation — I do want this story to get out of my head and onto some form of “paper” (be it literal or metaphorical) but — thinking about it right now, I’m struggling to come up with valid excuses that aren’t simple procrastination. Perhaps it’s the fact that I write for a living every day and do this blog. Perhaps it’s the fact I have other interests besides writing preventing me from being completely committed to the project. Perhaps I have doubts that I can really bring the story — the opening of which I am intimately familiar with now I’ve composed it so many times across so many different forms of media — to a satisfactory conclusion.

I’m not sure what it is. Last time I started on it, I got into a good rhythm and started writing at a good rate. Then various life events got in the way and for one reason or another, I got out of the habit of writing it.

Perhaps I should take a more structured approach to it — set aside a specific time on certain days to do some writing. Although schedules are inherently limiting and repetitive, they can be great for self-discipline. Take a couple of years back when I got into a good habit of going to the gym and/or the swimming pool after work every day. Sure, it was on the way home, but I specifically “scheduled” my time so that I got into those good habits. It’s working for me again with the EA Sports Active stuff at the moment, which sets up a schedule for you day-wise, but leaves timing up to you. I’m structuring my day so that I can get up, have some breakfast, bum around for an hour or so, do my workout and then be ready in time to start actual proper work.

Perhaps I should take this approach — set a schedule, get some self-discipline going. Perhaps then one day this story might get finished. And then everyone can enjoy it.

Or possibly hate it. I don’t know. Only one way to find out, though.