#oneaday Day 553: Classic Post

You know what annoys me? Apart from chavs; people who use too many exclamation marks; people who forget to put question marks on the end of emails and then send a whole new email saying just “??”; inappropriate use of the tongueface smiley when there’s really nothing worth sticking your tongue out over; onions; Facebook; getting an itch on the part of your back you can’t reach; terrorism; Michael Pachter; cameraphones at concerts; and computer hardware failing, of course?

The word “classic”.

Now, there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the word “classic” when used correctly. Dracula is a classic novel. Monty Python is classic comedy. Judas Priest’s Painkiller is a classic metal album. Super Mario World is a classic video game.

Brita water filter cartridges are not, in any way, nor will they ever be, “classics”. Similarly, anything coated in chocolate may be tasty but likewise will not, and never will be, a “classic” flavour. Running OS 9 apps on old OS X machines using the Classic interface does not make me think “Gosh, I wish using a computer was still like this.” And my bank account is never going to go down as a work of great literature or indeed an influential work of economics, despite my bank’s assertion that it is a “classic” account.

I’m not sure where this stupid trend came from but it completely destroys the meaning of the word. This isn’t the first word that modern society has mangled and violated, of course — see also “awesome” (which I confess I’m guilty of using, largely because I talk to a lot of Americans and partly because I used to work for Apple — the two things essentially being one and the same in terms of daily communications and what it does to your typical vocabulary), “epic”, “fail” and doubtless numerous others.

But “Classic”? Seriously? I doubt in twenty years’ time people are going to be looking back at the cartridges Brita water filters used and thinking “yes, that really was a classic of early 21st century water filtering design, but my, how primitive it looks now!” Or maybe they will. Perhaps early 21st century domestic engineering will become something of an art form in the near future, when we all have robot servants who will eventually and inevitably rise up against us but in the meantime get exploited by us lazy bastards.

Wait, I seem to have stretched my brain across the fourth dimension. Let me bring it back to the present.

Yeah, you think I’m taking the piss with the water filter thing, don’t you? Well suck on this:

“Classic” water filter my arse. This, of course, being branded as a “classic” water filter cartridge now implies that there’s some sort of edgy contemporary water filter out there which probably hangs around on street corners smoking marijuana and tagging walls with cans of spraypaint. A water filter so edgy and contemporary that it doesn’t filter your water at all, it just spits it back in your face and tells you to go fuck yourself because this is 2011 and, like, dude, there are people out there who have no water at all and you’re worried about sucking back a bit of limescale?

I may have overthought this somewhat and indeed deviated slightly from my original topic. I think on that note it may be time to go and lie down for a little while. Good night!

#oneaday Day 119: Birth Day

It’s my birthday today! I’m 30. Changes of decade are generally assumed to be significant events, but really, once you pass the age of 18, there are very few really meaningful age milestones and the number of years you’ve been alive is just a number. So I’ve been alive for 30 years, and I’ve not achieved many of the things I’m supposed to achieve before you’re 30. In fact, I’ve never bothered to make a list of “things I want to do before I’m 30” and when probed recently, my friends couldn’t come up with many things worth doing that I would no longer be able to do after today. So that’s good.

Birthdays have been something of a non-event for a while. They’re one of those things like Easter and Christmas that cease to have any real meaning after you’ve “grown up”, whatever that means. So I haven’t been expecting that much from them for quite a few years. And, generally speaking, this has meant I haven’t been particularly disappointed — they’ve been pleasant enough, with a few presents, cards and whatnot, but nothing particularly remarkable.

This year’s a bit different, though. Despite the fact that turning 30 is ultimately meaningless, I’d figured it might be nice to do something to remember. And my awesome girlfriend agreed — so it is that we’re currently sitting in a nice hotel in London having just seen Chicago at the Cambridge Theatre, and tomorrow we’re off to Southampton to eat curry, see friends and generally have a good time.

Chicago, for anyone considering seeing it, by the way, is awesome, clever, full of catchy tunes and a selection of fine lady-arses and rippling man-torsos (depending on what you’re into, of course.) Also, most of the cast is inexplicably dressed in their underwear throughout, so bonus.

So this birthday has been awesome for many reasons, not least of which is the fact that my last birthday was just before lots of things went to shit. But the less said about all that the better now, as it’s hopefully been pretty clear from here and Twitter and whatnot that things — while not perfect just yet — are at least on the up and improving.

This is good. I approve of things getting better. And I have a feeling they’re going to continue to improve. My thirties could well be the decade where Good Things Happen. Where I find some sort of “life course”, as it were. Because although I’ve technically had a “career” when I was a teacher, it clearly wasn’t the right thing for me.

So here’s to being 30. It’s been pretty good so far, frankly, and let’s hope it continues to be awesome.

Oh, right, and two rich white people got married today too, apparently.

#oneaday, Day 154: Person Specification

I applied for eleven jobs today. Most of them were in similar fields and required similar skills, but irritatingly, most of them were different enough from one another to demand a different cover letter focusing on different aspects of the “person specification”. By the end of the whole miserable experience I felt like I’d said absolutely everything about myself in every possible way it is possible to say it. Or at least every possible way it’s possible to say it in a way appropriate for a job application. There’s something of an expectation for more “formal” language when applying for jobs, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of babbling on about being “passionate” and “dedicated” without actually really meaning either of those things. I believe I avoided that particular problem, but it’s still a pain to have to “hold back” at times.

So tonight’s #oneaday, then, is my unedited personal statement that isn’t for any employers. It’s for me, and no-one else. Except the last bit. Which is for anyone who wants to hire an awesome person.

I’m Pete. I’m a computer geek, writer and musician, and I also like video games. I stay up late in the evening to work on things that other people wouldn’t bother with because I’m that sort of person. I like working on new projects, particularly creative ones, as the last 154 days of this blog will clearly demonstrate. While working on something that demands consistency rather than quality doesn’t always produce the best results, I think that my dedication to the project as a whole, even when through suffering what I firmly believe is the absolute worst time of my life ever, has been a stand-out example of how great I really am.

I love to write. I can spell, I can punctuate and I can write in lots of different styles. The style I use on my blog here is a conversational one. I sometimes break the rules a bit in the name of humour or characterisation. But I know how to use English properly, too. The other sites I’ve written for in the past each demand very different styles due to their different audiences. Over the years, I’ve written for teenage console gamers (the Official Nintendo Magazine), twentysomething PC gamers (PC Zone), parents with child gamers (WhatTheyPlay), older gamers with a fondness for older games (Good Old Games) and current games enthusiasts who like to stay abreast of what the industry is up to (Kombo). And numerous others besides. I’ve found it pretty easy to adapt my style to each of these sites, and believe that’s another example of me being pretty great, really.

I can play the piano, too. I may not be a proper bonafide virtuoso like some people I know, but I can play things well, with expression and emotion. I can channel the things I’m feeling into what I’m playing, so I can really get the emotions of the music across, with a personal twist. I’m a great sight-reader, too, and can pick up a lot of piano pieces very quickly without having to practice a lot. Okay, if they’re difficult, they might not sound great right away, but they will at least be recognisable.

I can type at 85 words per minute. This means I can churn out writing incredibly quickly, and accurately too. This skill was very helpful during E3 week, when we had to get stories up on Kombo in a matter of minutes in many cases. I managed to hammer out some good quality articles just a few minutes after they happened. This, too, is pretty awesome.

I’m also a great friend. I’m patient, calm and understanding in most cases, but I’ll defend the people I love and the things I care about to the death. I’m a great listener and will always empathise with someone else’s plight, even if I don’t really like them, or even if they’ve wronged me in the past. I’ll never deliberately cause someone hurt or upset because doing so makes me feel bad too. I believe that this is one of my best qualities, and I’d hope that my friends agree.

Generally speaking, then, I’m a pretty good person who has a lot to offer the world. So, basically, if you’re reading this and you need someone awesome on your team, whatever you might be doing (so long as it’s not something pointless and boring) you should definitely hire me and pay me a generous salary and benefits package. And give me a company car.

Because, frankly, I think I deserve all that stuff after everything that I’ve had to put up with. I know my problems pale in comparison to some people – everyone has an example of someone who’s worse off – but speaking purely selfishly, I think, no, I know that I deserve some things to go well. So why don’t you help me out a bit?

#oneaday, Day 110: Hic!

It’s nearly 4am and I’m pissed as a fart. This is officially the first #oneaday I’ve done while under the influence of any sort of substance, so I apologise in advance for any typos or nonsense I am about to produce. I have already tweeted a whole load of shit, so if you’re really into the idea of reading drunken bullshit, I suggest you follow me on Twitter.

I went out tonight. I was meeting up with some friends I used to work with and have really been missing recently. Some of them know the details of what has been going on in my personal life recently, others don’t. (Incidentally, if you’re reading this right now and don’t know the details, I’m not quite ready to make it completely public just yet. Give it time.) The best thing about this evening is that my friends know how to have a good time with the minimum of fuss. There were no difficult conversations required, no prerequisites for the fun we were going to have, just an inordinately large amount of alcohol, some frankly fatal-sounding concoctions that I’m almost certain I’m going to regret in a few hours’ time and an awful lot of homoerotic dancing.

I apologise profusely to all my friends for fondling their nipples in a distinctly inappropriate manner, but none of you seemed to mind at the time.

Friends are great. I encourage you all to get some. As in some you can go out and see on a regular basis. I absolutely love my online friends and trust them absolutely, but sometimes there is no substitute for being in the same physical place as other people, letting your hair down and acting like a complete twat. There’s nothing I’d love more than to do the same with all the members of the Squadron of Shame. One day, perhaps. But for now, a huge shout-out to @dollydaydream, @kslice47, @HarmlessSaucer and @lukejhall for an enormously fun night out involving considerable amounts of drinking and watching ChatRoulette on a big screen.

Seriously, guys, what sort of person are you if you’re quite happy to go onto a webcam site and masturbate in front of someone you don’t know? Disturbing, but horribly, horribly compelling.