Let’s talk a little about Health and Safety.

Health and Safety (because the two are inevitably linked together as some sort of single collective concept) is one of those aspects of the modern world that, like its distant cousin Political Correctness, is often ridiculed. And quite rightly so.

This isn’t to say that doing things safely isn’t important, of course. I would not attempt to rewire my house because I know I would probably blow it up. I would not stand on a rickety old plank above a bed of spikes because I know I would probably fall off or break it, and also I’m not a platform game hero. I would not open a gas tap in a science laboratory and then drink from it like a water fountain.

These are all things that normal people wouldn’t do. These are all things that normal people have enough common sense to not do. These are all things that normal people don’t need to be told not to do — or if, for whatever reason, they do do them once and survive, they probably don’t need to be told not to do them again. One of the ways we as humans learn things is the primitive but effective means of hurting ourselves and then realising that we really don’t want to feel that way again. We start doing this as children, and while we may do it a little less as adults — we’ve learned most of the things that hurt by the time we reach adolescence, in most cases — there’s still the occasional situation where you’ll do something unfortunate, hurt yourself and learn something from the experience, whether the injury you suffer is a stubbed toe or a broken arm. And that’s absolutely fine. It works. It’s how we’ve evolved. And it’s how we’ve survived until now.

The trouble with Health and Safety as a modern concept is that it works on a lowest common denominator basis, going by the assumption that everyone has absolutely no common sense and/or ability to learn from their mistakes whatsoever, and must therefore be warned of absolutely everything that has even the slightest risk of doing anything to them ranging from a slight bruise to ripping off all their limbs and head, leaving them as nothing but a bloody torso.

Even the most stupid people, in my experience, know how to protect themselves from incidents at both ends of this spectrum, however. Your average person knows how to walk up a set of stairs without falling over as much as they understand how they probably shouldn’t attempt to fellate a chainsaw while it’s running.

The organisation I’ve just parted ways with is obsessed with Health and Safety. And this isn’t an exaggeration. They plaster it all over their internal documentation, that safety is their number one concern. And for certain parts of the business in question, that’s probably not a bad thing, given that there are workers who deal with dangerous things on a daily basis.

Trouble is, none of those dangerous things are in the office environment, and yet the quasi-religious fervour that the Health and Safety zealots beat themselves into (carefully, of course) on a daily basis is still very much present and correct. We are talking about — and this is not an exaggeration — an organisation where you get reprimanded if you do not hold on to the handrail while walking up and down stairs; where if you’re carrying something that requires both hands, you’re expected to walk to the other end of the building and take the lift instead; where employees are encouraged to report each and every supposed safety infraction they happen to see; where you have to “risk assess” and wear a bump cap if you as much as drop a pen under your desk and go down to get it.

It’s utter nonsense for a number of reasons. Firstly, there’s the sheer amount of time it wastes. Meetings begin with a discussion of safety that is, more often than not, completely and utterly irrelevant to the main topic of the meeting — and, again, covering the sort of “common sense” things discussed above. Time is set aside for employees to down tools and work on “safety activities” to promote safety to their colleagues — and if that sounds like some sort of awful school project, believe me when I say that the eventual execution of these activities is equally excruciating, not to mention yet another waste of time.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, is the culture of utter distrust and paranoia this creates. Employees are encouraged to report any safety infractions they happen to see using a special dedicated system (that, naturally, takes an unnecessarily long time to work your way through) — and, yes, this includes happening to see anyone who dares to take their life into their own hands by not holding the handrail on the stairs. Aside from that, though, the constant beating over the head with “safety” issues that everyone gets on a daily basis gives across the distinct impression that absolutely no-one is trusted not to cover themselves in jam, jump into a wasp’s nest and then set themselves on fire unless they’re specifically told not to.

It’s doubtless some sort of legal issue, where the company needs to be seen to be “protecting” its employees from all the big, bad, horrible things in this world that might kill them at a moment’s notice. But, as with anything, you can take things too far. And this is taking things much, much too far. It’s patronising, insulting and a waste of everyone’s time, and yet no-one ever seems to question it. It’s quite scary in a way; it’s almost cultish behaviour.

Still, I don’t have to worry about it any more. But I do kind of pity the people who are stuck there who have never known any different. It’s an exciting and dangerous world out here; a world where we are free to let go of the handrail and see where life takes us. Sometimes we climb the stairway to strange and wonderful new places; others still we might slip and fall and come crashing down to earth. Both can be helpful, valuable and even enjoyable experiences. But if you never let go of that handrail, you’ll never know.