I had one of those dreams that it’s difficult to wake up from this morning. It was a variation on a dream I quite commonly have, which involves being back in some form of education, knowing that I’m not doing something I should be doing, and not being able to make myself sort that situation out.
The most common form this dream takes sees me back at secondary school, knowing that the school’s music groups (typically the orchestra and concert band) are rehearsing and that I should be there, but I am not going. My old music teacher Mr. Murrall is standing outside the music block looking disapprovingly at me standing some distance away, often with my friends from the time, but I can’t bring myself to admit that I’ve made a mistake, and that I should go along and resolve the situation.
Last night was a little bit different, as it revolved around university. I had just moved into a new flat — not any of the flats I actually lived in during my time at university, but something my mind dreamed up — and was settling in, but I realised I had no idea when term started or if I should have been going to any lectures. Any time I thought “I should look up when term starts”, I was distracted from doing so, and I became more and more convinced over time that I was missing significant parts of my course. But, again, I couldn’t correct the situation.
Education-related dreams are, unsurprisingly, usually interpreted as being something to do with learning, and variations on the theme such as those which I describe above are usually tied to various forms of anxiety — often imposter syndrome.
If I’m being honest, I can tell where some of those thoughts are probably coming from. The recurring dream about not showing up to orchestra rehearsals is likely due to how I’m aware I don’t make nearly enough time to practice music these days, and should probably do something about that. I think I want a new piano, though; our current one is fine apart from a few seriously dodgy notes in the octave below middle C, and unfortunately those notes appear to be some of the most frequently occurring in almost everything I want to play! New pianos are expensive, though, so you can probably see where some of that anxiety comes from.
As for the imposter syndrome side of things, I’ve definitely felt that before. I’m not sure I’m feeling it a lot right now, because in my current position I feel like I’m valued and that I contribute something meaningful — although thinking about it, there are still aspects of the daily work life that do cause me anxiety, such as having to deal with the social media side of things. But I’ve definitely felt it in the past; feelings that I “don’t deserve” to be where I am, or that I’m worried someone will “find out” something about me that I don’t want to be found out — exactly what, I’m never sure, because I don’t have anything particularly shameful to hide.
I suspect, as someone with a natural undercurrent of anxiety flowing through me at most times, I will never be completely free of these dreams. I actually don’t mind them all that much, as they sometimes have an interesting, nostalgic element to them. I do wish my dream self could break free of whatever is holding him down and resolve the problems at the core of those situations, though… that way I could just enjoy being back at school or university!
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