I have a recurring dream. I am told it is quite a common one — or variations on it are, anyway — but I’m going to talk about it regardless, because I’ve been sitting staring at a blank page for half an hour and haven’t been able to think of anything else to write today. So indulge me, if you will.
In my recurring dream, I am back at my secondary school. I am hanging out with my friends from that time, which is 30+ years ago. And I am not attending one of the music group rehearsals that I’m supposed to be participating in after school. I am, apparently, deliberately not attending it, and I am standing in a place with my friends that is within line of sight of the music block. My music teacher Mr. Murrall is standing outside the music block with his arms folded, just staring at me with a disapproving expression on his face. I feel bad. I feel guilty. And yet I do not — cannot — walk over there, apologise for whatever reason I have not showed up to rehearsals, and get back involved.
This dream is sometimes complemented or accompanied by a scenario in which I am preparing to go on stage, either to perform a piece of music or act, and I absolutely have not practiced the thing I am supposed to be performing. If I’m supposed to be acting, I don’t even know my lines a little bit. If I’m supposed to be performing, I don’t really know the piece of music and, usually, my instrument is not in any condition to be played. For some reason, the musical variation of this dream always involves the clarinet, which was always my “second instrument”, and the problem is usually that the only reeds I have for it are in an absolutely awful state that would make playing near-impossible.
These sorts of dreams are clearly anxiety-related. I suspect they may also stem from a sense of mild guilt that I don’t do as much music in my free time as I used to — though I have been a bit better since we got the new piano, and my Mum has been kind enough to purchase me a frankly absurdly expensive new stool as an early Christmas present, so that will make me even more likely to make time to play. I haven’t touched the clarinet or saxophone for years, however; since both are instruments best played in a group situation and I have no suitable group to be part of, I haven’t used either of them for a long time.
Times and lives change, of course, but music has always been an important part of my life, even when it comes to my other interests. One of my favourite things about video games, for example, is listening to their music and coming to understand all manner of different styles — and, if I’m lucky, tracking down some piano arrangements to be able to pay homage to my favourite tracks in my own way.
Once that nice piano stool arrives (which may be as soon as tomorrow), I wonder if I will be free of those dreams? I doubt it, I suspect, as dreams are rarely so literal; I suspect these particular scenarios come from a more general sense of anxiety than something specific. But at least I can say to myself that I’m making an effort to make the time for something that has always been — and always will be — important to me.
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