Congratulations on your acquisition of one or more friends! To get the most out of your new acquaintances, you may find it necessary to perform one or more simple diagnostic checks to ensure that these people are, in fact, your friends and not just “people you know” whom you see occasionally. Interpersonal compatibility is a complicated issue and there is no guarantee of 100% compatibility between you and any friend(s) you may have acquired recently, particularly if said friend(s) were acquired via a third party.
Some of these tests may not be compatible with your own personal social interaction algorithms, in which case you may feel free to omit them. If you end up omitting all of the below tests, then you may wish to consider upgrading your interpersonal software to the new “Lighten The Fuck Up” edition to ensure normal functioning in society.
Test 1: The Quotation Test
To perform this test, first ensure you are in a social interaction scenario with your new friend(s) and the background volume is set to a level where you may be heard.
As an optional safety measure, you may wish to preface this test with the statement “have you seen [insert name of favourite movie/TV show here]?”
Performing the test is a simple matter of quoting your favourite scene, including impersonations of the actors/actresses if your vocal communication facility is up to the task.
Success criteria include: laughter, quoting another line, finishing the lines with you, rolling on the floor laughing, applause, eternal adulation.
Failure criteria include: blank looks, expressions of confusion, the word “what?”, awkward silences where there should be laughter.
Safety note: overzealous performance of this test may lead to people regarding you as “the quote person” and reconsidering inviting you out to social occasions on the grounds that you’re unable to hold a conversation without Blackadder quotes.
Test 2: The “Name That Tune” Test
A prerequisite for this test is a certain amount of self-confidence and/or alcohol. Assuming these conditions have been met, you may commence the performance of this test by bursting into a song of your choice, the sillier the better.
Success criteria include: joining in with the song, harmonising with the song, adding percussion parts to the song.
Failure criteria include: confused expressions, sudden claims that they have a “thing” to “do”, walking 20 feet behind you in the street.
Safety note: if you are in a social environment where bursting into song is frowned upon, such as a library or the quiet bit of a classical concert, consider performing this test when the environment is more appropriate.
Test 3: The “Compound Swear-Word” Test
In order to perform this test, steer the conversation towards something that really, really pisses you off, preferably a person or agency which gets your goat and makes you want to throw things. When the time comes in the conversation to say exactly what you think of your ex-boyfriend/tax inspector/boss/co-worker/weird guy you see on the bus every day touching himself, refer to them by making up a compound swear word.
For added safety, you may wish to prepare a suitable bank of compound swear words in advance. Examples include: “cockwipe”, “dicksplash”, “creamdick”, “felch-monkey”, “knob-jockey”, “cock-custard”, “fucknut”, “twatbag”, “bellwodge”, “cretinous cum-gullet”, “insatiable scat-licker” or “cuntishly twat-faced bellend-arsepipe”.
Success criteria for this test include: a moment of astonished silence followed by hysterical giggling and requests to repeat the compound swear word in the same irate tone of voice you originally uttered it.
Failure criteria for this test include: awkward, rather than astonished silence, frowns, tutting, slaps around the face either with or without the use of a haddock.
Test 4: The “Say The Funny Word Over And Over Again” Test
Performing this test requires that you have determined what your favourite word is. This may or may not be an obscenity, but it tends to work best with single-syllable rude words such as “cock”.
To perform the test, utter the rude word in an exaggerated voice without explanation. Then repeat it a number of times.
Success criteria for this test include: people joining in with saying the word, laughter, recording of video evidence using mobile phones.
Failure criteria for this test include: invitations to leave, the arrival of psychiatric nurses.
Test 5: The “Failure Recovery” Test
In order to perform this test, think of the worst joke you have ever heard that never makes anyone laugh. It doesn’t need to be offensive, but it sometimes works better if it does.
Utter the joke. Following the inevitable awkward silence, follow up with either the word “Anyway…” or an impersonation of howling wind and tumbleweed.
Success criteria for this test include: laughter at your own self-deprecation, a patronising pat on the head, a complete change of subject.
Failure criteria for this test include: requests to explain the joke in great detail, making it even less funnier than usual.
What next?
If you’ve successfully performed at least one of these tests, it is safe to assume that the people in whose company you are presently are, in fact, friends rather than people you just happen to be at the pub with.
If all tests have failed, it is extremely important that you fake a phone call and/or trip to the toilet but actually run for your life in the hope that you will never see these people ever again. You may also wish to contact technical support and attempt to install some more acceptable social graces into your personality.
Good luck out there!
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Based on test #3, I want to be your friend forever and ever and ever.
Aww, that’s sweet. 🙂 FWIENZ FOWEVA! (I’m tempted to throw some sort of affectionate horrendous compound insult at you right now but that would probably be inappropriate. Maybe.)