#oneaday, Day 195: Dear Sam

You got married today. Well, yesterday, technically, now, since it’s after midnight.

Since I was neither the best man, nor the father of the bride, I did not make a speech today. This is fine. Best men have a lot of work to do—which your fine and admirable brothers did a great job with from what I could see—and as for the father of the bride? That sort of thing takes years to get ready for.

What I did want to do in this frankly unnecessarily public and gin-fueled way was say a couple of things close to my heart. I’m sure some other people reading may appreciate the sentiments, too, which is why I’m saying this publicly. Like a speech. Only without any actual talking.

The first thing I want to say is thanks. Thanks for being a friend. I count you as one of the best friends I have—if not the best. You’ve been one of those “constants” I wrote about the other day. From the early days of chicken dipper sandwiches and “this letter D or P is going in the grill” in Hartley Grove, through the many trips to Lennons and Kaos and finally to the awesome times we have now, when we can still act like dickheads while enjoying some board games even as our lives have supposedly reached “maturity”; through all those many years now, you’ve been a great friend and someone I know I could always count on. And that is one of the most important things I know of. Friendship is an important thing; when all else is chaos, it helps bring balance and perspective back to a world gone topsy-turvy.

The second thing I want to say is thank you for a wonderful day. From the lovely, simple, traditional service (which you were kind enough to involve my piano skills in) to the idyllic setting for the reception, I can say without doubt that today was possibly the finest wedding I’ve ever attended. Kudos. There will be photographs and videos to enjoy very soon.

The final thing I want to say is how genuinely happy I am to see you and the wonderful Helen make your vows to one another. As a man who has loved, been loved and lost everything, it would have been easy to feel cynical or sad when seeing another couple make those same promises that led to such disaster for me. But every time I’ve ever seen you and Helen together, it is absolutely clear that it is meant to be. The two of you belong together, and it’s wonderful to see. There is still good in the world.

Remember those vows that you made today. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t remember the promises I made, and that’s probably the thing that hurts me the most. But this isn’t about me; it’s about you and your new wife, and your life together.

Be open, honest and true to one another. Believe and have faith in one another. Respect one another’s boundaries, strive to understand your differences and revel in the things you share.

Above all, never forget that you love one another. The bond you made today is one that should be for life—and I believe 100%, that it is. The future may be full of trials, but I have absolute faith that the two of you will weather any storms that may come.

I wish both of you luck and good fortune as this new chapter of your existence begins. May your life together with Helen be forever blessed with joy and happiness. And games of Ticket to Ride.

Your friend, for always,
Pete

#oneaday, Day 194: Plan Plan Plan Plan… Fool?

Went to see The A-Team at the cinema tonight with a buddy. We were going to go see Inception, which I understand is quite good, but it was full, so that will have to wait until I’m back in Southampton.

Despite The A-Team‘s cultural significance and kitsch value, I’m not entirely convinced I’ve watched many—if any—episodes of the original TV series. Shameful, I know. Still, I can appreciate its ridiculousness and feel suitably aggrieved that it’s not Mr. T playing BA Baracas in the movie.

So, the movie then. It was surprisingly good. Not great, but pretty good. It dragged on a bit too long, if anything, but it looked good and had a great cast. Liam Neeson as Hannibal was very good, despite a shoddy script that saw him mentioning “plans” completely gratuitously, even for a master of planning such as himself. It’s good to see Bradley Cooper doing stuff again too; he made a good Face. Murdock and BA were pretty good, too; they had a good dynamic between them that worked well.

The story was utter nonsense and felt like it was ripped straight from a Call of Duty game. There were bad guys with motives that weren’t particularly clear, betrayals, backstabbings, a twist that defied all logic and lots and lots and lots of explosions and gunfights. It was spectacular in the same way that Modern Warfare 2 is; so long as you don’t even think about trying to analyse (or indeed understand) the plot. The writers clearly knew this, as there’s a terrible, terrible line in one scene that they deserve a punch in the face for. Nasty Bad Guy Man is watching a transmission of a missile approaching something it’s about to destroy (no spoilers here) and quips that “Man, this looks just like Call of Duty!”

No. Name-drops do not make you cool. Stop it.

One thing that struck me, though—and remember I’m speaking as someone who didn’t really watch the TV series here—the big-screen interpretation of the team’s activities seems a lot more violent than I expected. This is something of a pattern with modern-day remakes of classic franchises, I find—the violence and sexiness quotient tends to get beefed up somewhat. At times, certain scenes become unrecognisable from the source material and start looking just like any other action movie.

The A-Team was in danger of this happening on a number of occasions, but it kept just the right level of absurdity to keep things ticking along. Still, it would have been nice to see more in the way of improvised gadgetry (of which there is some) and less in the way of “OMG GUNS!”

That said, there’s a scene with a tank which is pretty 1) implausible and 2) hilarious.

In short, it’s a perfect summer movie. It’s pretty, it’s dumb and it’s a lot of fun. Go into it expecting some thoroughly shallow, thoroughly enjoyable entertainment and you won’t be disappointed.

#oneaday, Day 193: Constants

Things that stay the same are supposedly boring. But they have their uses. And they don’t have to be boring at all. Look at great works of art, literature, music, whatever. They don’t change. They’re always the same. And yet people flock to see them, read them, listen to them year after year after year.

Things that stay the same can provide comfort and a sense of familiarity. Whether this is the discarded magazine that’s been sitting on the floor next to the bed for the last six months because you couldn’t be arsed to find a home for it, or the friend you went to school with, that sense of familiarity can help provide some kind of firm grounding, even when all else is chaos.

Back on Day 106, I used the term “crystallised memories” to describe static objects that had memories inexorably attached to them. In some senses, this is a similar concept. But the memories that are attached to the objects can change over time. Things that are constant stay, by their very nature, constant.

Take this evening. I went to visit a friend I was at school with. Although he’s got a house, is living with his girlfriend and came to the disturbing (to him) realisation that he’s been working the same job for ten years, he’s still the guy I went to school with. Perhaps not visually. But certainly in attitudes and behaviour. We get together, and we start acting like a couple of sixteen year old dickheads like no time whatsoever has passed. When in fact a significant proportion of both our respective lives has passed, with significant changes afoot for both of us.

We contacted another friend via Xbox LIVE while I was there. Again, a constant in terms of attitude, behaviour, character. It was like nothing had changed.

After I left my friend’s house, I went for a drive to the local supermarket to pick up a couple of things I needed. This drive, again, was comfortably familiar. Although there have been some minor changes to the road layout in a few places, for the most part, these were the roads I learned to drive on, so I know them like a thing you know the layout of really well.

This is good. This sort of thing makes the whole “moving on” thing that much more bearable. The idea of moving to a new city was somewhat appealing; but the idea of being alone there and not knowing anyone was not. Taking a step “backwards” and picking up where I left off with these people while at the same time rebuilding my life into the image I want it to go into? This is (hopefully) a good thing. We shall see, I guess.

My life, and that of a number of other people too, is all chaos and flux right now. I long for the time when everything settles down and I can just start enjoying myself. I hope it won’t be too long before that happens. Positive steps have been taken this week. So let’s hope those positive steps lead to full-on positivity.

Things can’t be that much worse than they have been. The needle has to swing the other way sometime. I’m hoping now (or at least “very soon”) is the time.

#oneaday, Day 192: Movin’ On

When is somewhere not “home” any more?

Southampton has been my “home” ever since I went to university there in 1999. Even during the years I lived in Winchester and Aldershot, I still considered Southampton my “home”. But since everything that has happened, I think it’s lost its sheen. Part of this is, I feel, the city’s natural decline which has taken place ever since WestQuay opened slap bang in the middle of the town centre and promptly obliterated the High Street. But another side of it is, as my buddy Kalam said a short while back, having “got all you can” out of the city. It has nothing more to offer. You’ve completed it. 100%. Achievement Unlocked. That sort of thing.

I went to Cambridge today, a place I haven’t been for ages and the place I always say I’m originally from because no-one knows where “Great Gransden” is. I was there for a job interview, which I’m not going to discuss here for fear of jinxing things. But one thing struck me as I was in the city. Two things, actually. The first was “God, I hope I never accidentally drive into this city centre as it looks nightmarish to drive around”. Picture tiny, narrow, medieval streets. Now picture a fucking great bus going down them. Now picture about 300 cyclists cycling the wrong way down the street. Nice.

That wasn’t the important thing, though. The important thing I thought was “God, this place sure is nicer than Southampton”. I’m not sure if it’s always been that way and I just took it for granted growing up, but it’s a much more attractive city than Southampton. It seems cleaner, less crowded, less infested with chavs and the Starbucks that are there have a much wider selection of cakes and sandwiches. Even the women are hotter; a fact that several other people will happily back me up on.

So perhaps this is the right time to find a new city, and Cambridge should be it. There’s a lot to offer. This job, for a start. Some decent shops. Some nice open spaces. Decent people. Lack of chavs. A river that doesn’t look like a sewage factory, with actual person-propelled boats on it. A sense of history.

Southampton has many of these things, of course. But as I’ve said, the place has lost its sheen somewhat. Sometimes, I guess, you need a change. Particularly when a place that you once called “home” had everything that you once thought made life good stripped away from it. In those circumstances, I’m guessing it’s best to leave the past behind physically as well as mentally.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see how things work out. But today was very positive—that’s all I’m saying for now—and hopefully will lead to great things.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

Oh, and I won a Diplomatic Victory in a game of Civ IV earlier. That’s not relevant to any of the above, but I thought I’d share.

#oneaday, Day 191: Pay To Play

I wrote a news post relating to this subject earlier tonight, but I thought I’d expand on the thoughts I alluded to in there in a proper blog post. It’s a matter of some debate, and the post itself provoked some discussion. This is good, as it’s an issue in the games industry that needs talking about.

I’m referring to DLC. But not just any DLC. DLC that you get a little voucher for in a sparkly new copy of a game, like it’s some “free bonus” and not at all something that’s there to squeeze a bit of extra cash out of purchasers of a pre-owned copy of the game.

It’s happened a few times recently. The most recognisable examples are probably Dragon Age: Origins and Mass Effect 2, both of which provided “free bonus” content for those who purchased the game new. Dragon Age included a new character who integrated into the storyline and had a bunch of quests associated. Mass Effect included the “Cerberus Network”, a ticket to a whole bunch of free DLC. They’ve since started charging for new packs, but the first bunch of additional content available for Mass Effect 2 players was gratis. So long as you had access to the “Cerberus Network”.

Most recently, we’ve had Alan Wake. Now, I will hold my hands up here and say I haven’t yet played Alan Wake. I understand it’s rather good. However, one recurring comment that I’ve heard from a number of friends is that the story comes to a somewhat unsatisfying conclusion. Perhaps “unsatisfying” is the wrong word; the game sets itself up for a sequel, apparently. Fair enough; plenty of games have done that. Did anyone play Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance? Worst. Cliffhanger. Ever.

But for purchasers of the game to be teased with the fact that there is some DLC coming “soon” that will continue the story beyond the cliffhanger ending and bridge the gap between this and the semi-inevitable sequel? That sounds awfully like leaving a game unfinished and withholding the true ending to me. Now, granted, Remedy haven’t said they’ve deliberately withheld content. But something stinks about this. Think back to the days of the PS2; if you purchased a narrative-based game, you’d expect it to come to some sort of conclusion, whether that’s a cliffhanger ending designed to set up a sequel, or a definite finale. Very occasionally expansion packs made an appearance, but these were, for the most part, confined to home computers with the ability to install data.

What we have now is effectively a game which says “Here’s the game. Here’s a cliffhanger. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!”—but only for people who either bought the game new or who are willing to pony up 560 Microsoft Points for the privilege of continuing a story which should have been finished in the main game.

I find this sort of thing more objectionable than EA’s approach with Dragon Age and Mass Effect‘s DLC. At least in those games, all the DLC takes the form of optional sidequests. Sure, some of them impact the main plot. But they don’t strip out what appears to be an important part of the core narrative of the game.

Alan Wake, being a more linear game by nature, doesn’t have the luxury of sidequests to insert into its structure. As such, I know I personally would much rather they had either left this content out altogether and put it into the sequel, or included it in the game in the first place. To do it in this manner seems rather unnecessary, not to mention a sharp poke in the eye to those who typically purchase pre-owned games because they’re cheaper. (cf. me)

Still, this looks like becoming something of a standard business practice for large developers at the moment, so we should probably get used to it. At least the independent and smaller developers haven’t jumped on the bandwagon yet.

DLC is all very well and good—it hearkens back to the old days of going to the shops to buy an “expansion pack” for a favourite game—but when the “extra” content feels like it probably should have been in there in the first place? Hmm. I start to think it’s not such a good idea for people with money and power to get their claws into.

What do you think?

#oneaday, Day 190: The Highway Code Errata

It has come to our attention that there are a number of sections of The Highway Code which state rules incorrectly. This document is designed to correct these mistakes.

Rules for Pedestrians

ITEM 1 – “Footways or footpaths (including any path along the side of a road) should be used if provided.” should read “Footways or footpaths are optional for use when intoxicated.”
ITEM 4 – “Young children should not be out alone on the footway, footpath or road.” should have “unless you can’t be bothered to look after them yourself” added.
ITEM 13 – “Routes shared with cyclists”. This rule is obsolete. Pedestrians may go wherever they want regardless of anyone else.

Rules for Cyclists

ITEM 69 – “You MUST obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals” should read “You MUST NOT obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals”.
ITEM 71 – “You MUST NOT cross the stop line when the traffic lights are red” should read “You MUST cross the stop line when the traffic lights are red, particularly if there are pedestrians on a crossing.”

Rules for Motorcyclists

ITEM 88 – “You should be aware of what is behind and to the sides before manoeuvring” should read “Manoeuvring may be done at any time regardless of your surroundings. THINK BIKE, is what everyone else should be thinking.”

Rules for Drivers and Motorcyclists

ITEM 91 – “the most effective ways to counter sleepiness are to drink, for example, two cups of caffeinated coffee and to take a short nap (up to 15 minutes)” should be in bold, red print.
ITEM 97 – “[Before setting off you should ensure that] you have switched off your mobile phone” should read “your mobile phone is within moderately-easy reach and is not attached to a hands-free kit, particularly if driving a car of German origin.”
ADDENDUM – “Drivers of cars of German origin have a special function, normally occupied by the hazard warning lights. Simply activate these lights to be legally permitted to park anywhere you like, however inconvenient it may be to other users and whether or not it is otherwise legal to do so.”

Traffic Signs

“No Overtaking” should read “No Overtaking unless you think you can take them”.
“Maximum speed” should read “Minimum speed”
“No entry for vehicular traffic” should read “No entry for vehicular traffic, except you, because you’re special.”
“One-way traffic” should read “One-way traffic recommended, but optional”.
“No waiting” and “No stopping” should both have “unless you are driving a Mercedes, BMW or Audi and put on your hazard lights” added.
“Loose chippings” should read “Wheelspin zone”.
“STOP” should read “GO”.
“GO” should read “STOP”.
“No vehicles carrying explosives” should read “WTF are you, a terrorist?”
“No U-turns” should read “U-turns permitted for German cars only”.
“Steep hill downwards” should read “Step on it!”
“Steep hill upwards” should read “Step on it!”
“Cattle”, “Wild animals” and “Wild horses or ponies” should all read “OMG AMINALS”.
“Queues likely” should read “Queues guaranteed”.
“Humps for 1 mile” should read “Innuendo ahead”.
“Hump bridge” should read “Dogging hotspot ahead”.
“Risk of ice” should read “You work it out”.

Thank you for your understanding. An updated edition of the Code will be printed and released shortly.

#oneaday, Day 189: Keeping Score

I used to hate maths lessons when I was younger. I mean pure, unbridled hatred; we’re talking full on teenage strops here. Not at school, obviously—that would be bad and wrong of course, and would have done enormous damage to my “he’s a good kid” reputation, something which was only really damaged once when I punched a bully in the face in front of the headteacher (it was justified… well, not the headteacher bit)—but… what was I saying? Oh right, maths and strops. No, maths homework used to piss me off enormously. I never used to see the point of it. Particularly the more esoteric, abstract side of things. When was I ever going to need to measure a triangle? (I know, now.) When was I ever going to need to “solve” an algebraic equation with no numbers in it? (I’m still a little stumped on this one.) What the fuck is a logarithm? (I still don’t know; that’s one thing we never did at GCSE, and I gave up at A-level.)

But as much as anyone may hate maths, those little beasts, the numbers, creep into anything and everything we do. And sometimes they provide enormous amounts of entertainment.

Last night my soon-to-be-married friend Sam came by to drink some obscenely strong cider and play some video games. I casually suggested we try out Joe Danger on the PS3, as I’d downloaded it a while back and hadn’t done much with it, and Sam likes those impossibly-difficult physics-based motorcycle games that are all over the Internet. So we did, fueled by aforementioned obscenely strong cider.

Very quickly, we discovered Joe Danger‘s appeal. Racking up ridiculous scores. Much like the Tony Hawk’s series that once was, the joy in Joe Danger comes from stringing tricks together to get a huge score with a huge multiplier. Sam successfully managed to score about 3 million on one level and was justifiably pleased with this. Then I remembered something about the controls, and had a go at the same level. I scored 76 million. Sam was coming back from the kitchen with another bottle of cider while I was in the process of acquiring this score.

“What the— how did you do that?” he exclaimed.

I shared the secret. And thus began three hours of playing about four levels in Joe Danger in an attempt to beat the scores of my PSN friends—something we did admirably well, beating most of my nearest rivals by a factor of at least ten and, in one case, a factor of 100.

It brought back memories of the great Geometry Wars 2 conflicts of some time back… man, those were brutal.

Sam commented that he hadn’t really held an appreciation for the value of game scores prior to that moment. Of course, they’d always been there, and they were always a good indicator of progress. But Joe Danger—something about the way you rack up points in that game is spectacularly and enormously satisfying. And addictive. We looked at the clock having thought we’d only been playing for a short while. And it was well after midnight. Okay, the obscenely strong cider may have helped with the time kompression somehow. But it’s testament to the addictive quality of Joe Danger as a game that it kept us entertained and occupied—at many times, taking over 75 attempts at a level to do it without fucking something up—for a long time.

So, once you download Joe Danger, all I’m gonna say is “shoulder buttons”. Enjoy.

#oneaday, Day 188: Compromise

Compromise is a tricky business. In some senses it’s good. It shows a willingness to co-operate, to fit in, to be a part of society. But in others it means giving up part of who you are, usually in order to make someone else happy, or in order to fulfil the supposed “natural order of things”.

The trouble with refusing to compromise, though, is that you end up locked into an endless cycle of pursuing the unattainable and then feeling bad when it remains, well, unattainable. The clue’s in the title, dumbass. What makes you so special that you can attain the unattainable? You’re not BBC iPlayer. Wait, that’s something else, isn’t it?

Anyway, whether it’s a job or a relationship, unless you roll all natural 20s on every skill check you ever have to do (metaphorically speaking, of course) there’s going to be some element of compromise there.

And in a way, I think that’s a bit sad. Why should people have to give up on their dreams just because “society” (whoever THAT is) says it’s “never going to happen”? Why should people settle for second-best? Why should people have to put up with annoyances for the sake of something or someone they really love?

Because those things and people are also hoping for perfection and failing to find it, of course. Everyone wants to meet that special someone, Prince Charming, Sleeping Beauty, Christina Hendricks, whoever. But does it ever really work like that? How often do two people find each other and they’re perfect for one another? How often does someone step into a new job and think “Yes. This is LITERALLY my perfect job. There is nothing I would change about it whatsoever.”?

Our individual happiness seems to be made or broken by other people, and it’s a fragile thing. One little action, one thing said, one decision made; that can change everything. I know this only too well.

So what’s the answer? Is there one? Right now, at this crossroads in my life, there are two things I want that would help everything just fall into place. One: a job where I get to do something I love for a fair wage and get appreciated for it by the people I work for—both employer and customer. Two: well, let’s just say the term “nerd princess” would about cover it.

Is this too much to ask? Am I expecting too much? Do I put too much faith that all the good karma I have stored up over the course of the last 29 years will eventually lead to something awesome? I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to feel insignificant. I don’t want to be alone.

And above all, I really don’t want to compromise any more. As selfish as it sounds, I want to be happy. I want good things to happen. I want to meet someone awesome and nerdy and gorgeous and ride off into the sunset leaving the pain of the past behind.

I feel I have earned this. But is it just an impossible dream?

#oneaday, Day 187: Flying Solo

Ever been out on the town by yourself? It’s generally a miserable experience, particularly if you’re not the most sociable of people in the first place. And by that I mean the sort of person who doesn’t generally talk to strangers at the best of times.

I’ve done it a couple of times, though not for a while. It generally goes something like this:

Step 1: Claustrophobia

You’re in your house/flat/bedsit/hovel/cupboard. You have been stuck in said accommodation for some time now. By yourself. It’s getting rather tiresome. Perhaps you’re living by yourself. Or perhaps you live with people you don’t get on with. Or perhaps you live with people who are never there. Whatever the reason, you’re in by yourself, you’re fed up and you feel like the walls are closing in a bit. So you decide that it would be a really great idea to go out. Even though none of your friends are free, because you only decided to go out a minute ago and when you texted them a minute ago, half of them didn’t reply and the other half politely requested that you give them a bit more notice next time. So much for spontaneity.

Step 2: Confidence

You get dollied up and step out of your front door. You’re going out! By yourself! Feels good, doesn’t it? You’re not tied to social conventions that require you to be in a group of at least 3 people (less than 3 and you’re going “with” someone, which is perilously close to “date” territory)—you’re doing things your way!

Step 3: Adventurousness

You’re out by yourself and there’s no-one with you to judge you. Perhaps you’ll try something you’ve never done before, because there’s no-one you know to mock you, laugh at you, berate you or tell you you’re doing it wrong—or worse, do it better than you. Perhaps you decide to try smoking, because you’ve never done it before, or perhaps you talk to a random stranger in the street, or go down a road you’ve never been down before or—hell!—go to a pub or club you’ve never been to before.

Step 4: Arrival

You arrive at the place you decided to go to. You purchase yourself a drink and find yourself a good “spot” in which to observe the action. If this is a pub, this should be a table with a good view of everyone else who is there with their friends. Or possibly a stool at the bar, where you can turn your back on the rest of society. If this is a club, this should be a seat at the edge of the dance floor, where you can look longingly at the people who are probably having more fun than you.

Step 5: Realisation

“I’ve come out by myself. That was a really stupid thing to do.”

Step 6: Depression

You stay in your spot, watching everyone around you actually having a good time—or so you believe, anyway; in actual fact they might be having a miserable time, just dancing while they do it—and slump into a bit of an alcohol-fueled depression.

Step 7: The Second Wind

You decide that no, you’re not going to let this defeat you. You get up and maybe decide to try a dance by yourself.

Step 8: The Bad Idea

“That was a terrible idea. Now everyone is looking at me like I’m an idiot.”

Step 9: Time To Go Home

“I hope the bouncers and the people on the door don’t recognise me and realise I’ve only been here fifteen minutes.”

Step 10: Regret

“That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I’m never doing that again.”

But you will. Just to see if it’s any different next time.

#oneaday, Day 186: How To Laugh On The Internet

The acronym “LOL”, originally short for “laughing out loud” has lost all meaning. This is entirely thanks to Internet denizens who believe it is an adequate substitute for any punctuation mark ever. It’s true. Try it sometime. Don’t forget to strip out all capital letters.

“Would you like to go to the shops?” becomes “would u like to go 2 the shops lol”

“I went to the shops to buy some butter, but they had run out.” becomes “I went 2 the shops 2 buy sum butter lol but they had run out lol”

“Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this sun of York; / all the clouds that lour’d upon our house / In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.” becomes “now is da winta of our discontent lol made golrius summer by dis sun of york lol all da clouds that lourd upon our house lol in da deep bosom of da ocean buried lol”

Ouch, that actually hurt.

Anyway, the fact is, “LOL” is meaningless. Coming up quickly behind it in the meaningless stakes are other acronyms such as “LMAO” and “PMSL”. So I feel, Internet, it is time to educate you in the ways of laughter which uses more characters but is infinitely more expressive. You’ll find there’s a laugh for every occasion.

“Hehe”

Mild amusement. This can be used for something that was only intended to be a little bit funny, or perhaps something that you didn’t find that funny yourself but don’t want to offend the other person by not laughing at it. It’s also less girly than some other alternatives. An optional trailing full stop may be added.

CORRECT USAGE: “I thought I’d forgotten my keys earlier. But they were in my pocket the whole time!” — “Hehe”

INCORRECT USAGE: “YARR HARR FIDDLEDEDEE, BEING A PIRATE IS ALL RIGHT TO BE! DO WHAT YOU WANT CAUSE A PIRATE IS FREE, YOU ARE A PIRATE!” — “Hehe”

“Heehee”

Flirtatious laughter. Perhaps someone has said something a little bit contentious or naughty and you want to giggle with them. “Heehee” is the perfect laugh for this purpose.

CORRECT USAGE: “Well, we went back to her house and then, well, I’m sure you can imagine what happened…” — “Heehee”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Lindsay Lohan is like a child with ADD! Neither of them can finish a sentence!” — “Heehee”

“Teehee”

The naughty laugh. An upgrade from “heehee”, often used when slagging someone off behind their back, making illicit plans or making thinly-veiled references to something filthy the two of you—or indeed someone you mutually know—got up to recently.

CORRECT USAGE: “Well, last night certainly didn’t suck… but someone sure did.” — “Teehee”

INCORRECT USAGE: “The Master is rising! And soon the world will be ours!” — “Teehee”

“Haha(hahahahahahahahahahahahaha)”

The all-purpose “that’s funny” laugh. The minimum number of “ha”s is two, otherwise it’s a “Ha!” which is not a laugh at all, more a triumphant call of… something. The more “ha”s which are added to the end of the “haha”, the funnier the thing is. “Haha” is mildly funny. “Hahahahahahahahahaha” is extremely funny. Optional additions may include all-caps or exclamation marks. These are both intensifiers.

CORRECT USAGE (mildly funny thing): “Knock knock.” — “Who’s there?” — “Doctor.” — “Doctor who?” — “You just said it!” — “Haha”

CORRECT USAGE (exceedingly funny thing): “[insert most things that @DRUNKHULK says on Twitter]” — “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Sir. The rebels have been crushed!” — “Haha”

“Mehehe(hehehehehe)”

The “mildly evil” laugh. Are you about to do something that’s wrong, and you just don’t care? Are you talking smack about someone? Have you made plans to do something which may cause mild embarrassment, discomfort or itching to a third party? Have you just witnessed something unfortunate occurring to someone you don’t like much? Then this is the laugh for you. The number of “hehe”s on the end may again be varied. All-caps and exclamation marks are not usually added to an instance of a “mehehehehe”.

CORRECT USAGE: “I’m going to invite them over, but then I won’t answer the door!” — “Mehehehehe”

INCORRECT USAGE: “A man walks into a bar and says ‘ouch!'” — “Mehehehehe”

“Mwahaha(hahahahaha)”

The “moderately evil” laugh. Are you about to do something very wrong? Or perhaps you’re joking about doing something wrong that you’d never actually do but think would be quite entertaining, if evil, if you did? Have you successfully got one up on someone you moderately-to-extremely dislike? Then this is the laugh for you, complete with variable-length “hahahaha” on the end. All-caps and exclamation marks may be adopted for this laugh if appropriate, depending on the evility of the situation. However, in extremely evil situations, consider upgrading to “Muhahahahahaha!”

CORRECT USAGE: “And then I told her ‘by the way, your skirt is TOTALLY tucked into your panties’. She looked mortified!” — “Mwahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Aww, look at that cute little kitten!” — “Mwahahaha!”

Not to be confused with “Mwah”, which is blowing a kiss.

“Muhahahahahahaha!”

The “very evil” laugh. You are an evil overlord, emperor or other figure who strikes fear into the hearts of your enemies. You are either about to do something terribly evil, have just done something terribly evil or take delight revelling in your evil-ness. Whatever the reason, this laugh is part of your arsenal of verbal weapons with which you may strike fear into the aforementioned hearts of your aforementioned enemies, along with sentences such as “I am afraid it is YOU who are mistaken” and “No, Mr Protagonist, I expect you to die”. All-caps and exclamation marks are frequently applied for intensification purposes.

CORRECT USAGE: “MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Oh look, your baby cousin is smiling for the first time!” — “MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

DISCLAIMER: I am not aware of any legitimate historical evidence which quotes Hitler as saying “MUHAHAHAHAHA!” But I bet he did.

“Bahahahahaha!”

The belly laugh. This is a hearty chuckle at something you find genuinely amusing. The kind of laugh that Father Christmas or a Viking would use whilst sitting in front of a roaring log fire. Works well with a smoker’s cough.

CORRECT USAGE: “I want a bicycle like in E.T. so I can follow you through the skies, Santa!” — “Bahahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “That duck just fell over.” — “Bahahahahaha!”

“Gahahahahahahaha!”

The Brian Blessed laugh. I don’t think anything else needs to be said about this one. Usually combined with all-caps and exclamation marks.

CORRECT USAGE: “CRY HAVOC! AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “I posted a rude message on that forum.” — “GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Kyahahahahaha!”

The witch’s laugh. An evil cackle if ever there was one. Doesn’t really work when men do it. Even evil wizards don’t tend to go “kyahahahahaha”.

CORRECT USAGE: “And now, my pretties, into the pot you go! Kyahahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Do you remember that time my pants fell down?” — “Kyahahahahaha!”

So as you can see, there is a laugh for pretty much any situation. I trust this will be the last time I ever see you using acronyms to represent laughter and/or punctuation.

Please feel free to share any additional variants you may be aware of in the comments.