It’s funny how certain objects come to have memories attached to them. Inanimate, unremarkable objects. They could be an item of furniture. They could be a book. They could be a piece of technology. They could be a stuffed toy.
Look around the room you’re in right now. Look at some of the things that are sitting in it. And not just the big things, or things which are specifically designed to evoke a memory, like photographs.
What memories are attached to, say, the lamp by the side of your bed? Or the clock radio? Or the bookcase? Or the books which lay discarded on the floor? Or that mark on the wall? If you think about it, you can probably attach a memory to every tiny little thing that you can see in any room – assuming you’ve had the time to “get to know” that room, of course.
When you move on to a new place, sometimes other peoples’ memories are left behind. They may take away the things that can be carried, packed into boxes or loaded into a van, but some things can’t be taken away. A whole room can hold memories, both good and bad. And it doesn’t have to be just one memory at a time. In the room where I am right now I can see things which represent good times, things which represent bad times, and things which represent the very worst of times. Some objects in this room represent more than one thing. Some things hold conflicting emotions. Those things are confusing, but the important thing to remember is that the object holds all of those memories, not just the bad ones.
It’s easy to let bad memories and bad experiences colour everything that you do. They say bad experiences and bad memories help to make you stronger. It may well be true, but it doesn’t make them any easier to live through, or to relive. But, as received wisdom has it, it’s the sum of our experiences that make us who we are. And it’s by examining the sum of those experiences that we, ourselves, can learn to understand who we are.
I’m not sure I really know who I am. I’ve drifted along for so long, wondering if I’m doing the right thing for myself and for other people. I don’t feel like I’ve found it yet, and recent events (which I won’t be going into detail about here) have made me think that no, clearly I’m not doing the right thing – for myself, more than anything else. It’s a selfish attitude to take, but when it comes down to it, the only person’s destiny that you have any control over is your own. You can’t always live your life for the approval of other people, least of all if you’re not happy yourself.
So that’s why when some of these crystallised memories disappear, when some are left behind and some are taken with me to wherever life takes me next, I know that’s just another step. There have been missteps, and there have been backwards steps, but they’re all steps nonetheless; steps on that long, arduous, exhausting and frankly irritating journey that they call life.
I’m kind of ready to get where I’m supposed to be going now, thanks. I thought I was already there for a while, but there actually seem to be some significant engineering works in the way. Where’s the nearest replacement bus service?
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I think it’s always the downside of being a considerate, thoughtful sort of a person: you end up pulled in so many different directions, you often don’t have time or simply aren’t able to decide what you need for yourself, let alone go out there and take it.
Being selfish is easier said than done if you’re not naturally wired that way. If you figure out how to do it, do please let me know – I’ve been going round in circles the last few days over much the same subject!
Memories, though… they’re all just memories. Some make you smile, some make you cry, but they’re all in the past. Only natural to find yourself pondering them now. Life’s pretty much one big work in progress.
Right. They call it “assertiveness”, right? Being able to stand up and say “This is what I am going to do now. This is what I want.”
It’s never been something I’m great at. I like having the reassurance of someone else telling me that what I’m doing is the right thing to do. It’s bad to be dependent on others and usually better to be independent and “selfish”, though. I’m not sure “selfish” is actually the right word, as it has negative connotations.
Right. Over time, memories fade. I don’t know if they ever carry less weight – I have plenty of baggage I’m dragging around from childhood, some from physical mementos, some just stored in my head – but over time they certainly feel more “past”. Or “passed”. One day this, too, will be just a memory in the past. Right now, it’s my present, though the things which led to it are my past.
I’ll stop there, I’m confusing myself. 🙂