#oneaday, Day 105: Under the Hammer – One (1) Self

I’ve discovered at great, great cost over the years that one should really value oneself more. Because if you don’t value yourself, then it’s going to be very difficult for other people to do the same, too.

Take me. I don’t value myself, even though I know that others do. Because I don’t value myself, I don’t value my own opinions. I don’t think my own opinions are worth listening to. When I post my opinions online in the form of this blog, that’s fine. I can put my ideas out there and if people like them, great. If people want to talk about them, great. If people don’t like them, that’s fine too. If I don’t want to deal with a violent disagreement with something I’ve put (not that I think that’s ever happened) I can just hide. I can delete the comment. I can keep out of trouble, in short.

When dealing with people face-to-face, though, it’s a different matter. If someone’s standing right in front of you and you say something objectionable, there’s no hiding. There’s no deleting their response. You just have to deal with it. Now, there have only been a couple of times in my life where I’ve said something and I didn’t like what the other person said in response. In all those cases, I know I was the one in the right, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear negativity coming from the other party. And that’s what makes me afraid to say things sometimes. I start to think that the other person won’t want to listen to what I’ve got to say, that it’s not valid somehow, that it’s not worth saying. And then I start to think about all the possible responses the other person might come out with. And I assume they’re going to come out with the worst possible response. And not wanting to deal with that worst possible response makes me not want to say anything in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle that’s difficult to break.

Having such a low opinion of yourself is, as you can probably imagine, semi-to-very crippling when it comes to dealing with society at large. Take our Neanderthal friend from the other day, for example. Although I know he’s a complete dick for insulting a random stranger, his words cut deep because I was already thinking pretty poorly of myself, and to discover that other people whom I don’t know have immediately judged me on the same criteria is just horrible. I was so upset by his remarks that I cut a walk into town short and came straight home.

“Man up,” you may say. “Grow a pair.” But it’s not that simple. It’s not about being confident or “masculine” or anything like that. It’s about believing in yourself to such a degree that stupid insults can just bounce off you and that you can say whatever you please with confidence, knowing that it’s your opinion and while not everyone else may agree with it, you have just as much right to say it as the next person. It’s not about arrogance and believing that you’re always right. It’s about feeling that you are able to say those things without feeling embarrassed or self-conscious. And it’s about being able to respond to things that other people say – both positive and negative – without feeling choked inside.

If there’s one thing that recent events have taught me, it’s that I need to value myself more, and believe that the things I say are worth listening to. It’s not easy, though. When you’ve spent as long thinking as badly of yourself as I have, it’s difficult to break that habit.