#oneaday, Day 50: Old Men Rant At The Hit Parade

Caution: YouTube frenzy ahead.

There’s a lot of shit music around at the moment. One only has to look at this week’s top 40 to see most of it. Let’s explore it, shall we? Call it a cultural exchange.

Before I go any further, I would like to add that I don’t hate black people, despite whatever you might interpret from my song choices which follow. I just hate shit music. And a lot of it happens to be by black artists. I can’t think of any awards ceremony I would like to attend less than the MOBO’s. Not that I particularly want to go to any awards ceremonies, ever. But I digress. Let’s dig into the sewers of the UK music scene, shall we?

Hanging in there at number 40, we have Sidney Samson’s Riverside. A song that starts in an atonal, idiotic place and then goes nowhere fast.

This is one of those songs that thinks that having a single hook of about four bars long is enough to build an entire song around. And to be fair, the philistines of the world don’t appear to know any better, as this song has been lurking around the charts for quite some time. But it has no depth to it. There’s no development. At all. The whole song is that irritating twangy synth line and some twat saying “Riverside, motherfucker” over the top of it. What does that even mean? Don’t answer that, because I really don’t give a shit.

Next up, number 30 sees Florence and the Machine performing You Got The Love.

Now, I have a lot of time for Florence, in that she can actually sing, has a distinctive voice and has a band with actual instruments in it. But this song? Ugh. It was already the most overplayed song in the world before she covered it, and with her and her machine being one of the most overplayed bands in the UK at the moment, you get an irritating song which is never more than five minutes away from when you turn the radio on.

One space below that, we have Iyaz and Replay, the first of many whiney black men in the charts today.

I find something profoundly irritating about this style of music. Perhaps it’s the fact that one song in this style is virtually indistinguishable from another. Perhaps it’s the gratuitous mentioning of iPods in the lyrics (I have a weird thing where I think that mentioning brand names or things/people that actually exist is somehow obnoxious. Don’t ask me to explain why, because I can’t.) Perhaps it’s just the fact it’s a shit song. Who knows?

Moving up the charts, we have Jay-Z ruining a perfectly good Alicia Keys song at number 28.

Alicia Keys can actually sing, so why she needs a douche like Jay-Z babbling his nonsense over the top of it is anyone’s guess. To her credit, the infinitely superior version of the song, with no rapping and just Alicia singing, is currently at number 6, proving it is indeed possible to polish a turd.

At 26, we have the Helping Haiti record.

I have nothing against charity records. But I fucking hate this song. And every charity song there has been in the last few years has been of this ilk – slow, boring, dirge-like and filled with “celebrities” trying to outdo each other vocally. Ignore this drivel and just donate directly to the charities if you feel that strongly about it.

At 22, we have another whining black man, this time accompanied by a shouting black man and Sean Paul, who sadly isn’t dead. It’s Jay Sean, Sean Paul and Lil Jon with Do You Remember.

This is just awful. And on a side note, compare Jay Sean’s singing with Iyaz’s. I defy you to tell them apart. The only thing which sets this record apart is Lil Jon’s incoherent shouting and Sean Paul’s incoherent burbling. At least it isn’t a full-on Sean Paul record. I thought we had got rid of him for good. Sadly, he’s still about, but at least it’s only in a “Ft.” role.

I, of course, couldn’t let Glee slide. They’re at number 20.

Golden rule: Leave Journey alone. Golden rule number two: If you must cover Journey, don’t turn it into a wet fart of a song. This song breaks both of those rules.

This next song is unforgivable purely for the fact it uses the Flintstone-based chat-up line. It’s Young Money with Bed Rock, at number 18. I am sure you can guess the line which is used.

In other news… it’s some rappers “singing” about fucking. In their video they wear lots of gold. Stereotype much?

At number 12, Gramophonedzie do their best to destroy everyone’s favourite memories of Jessica Rabbit.

This song brings back unpleasant memories of Audio Bullys [sic] molesting Nancy Sinatra’s Bang Bang a year or two back. So, to make it all better, here’s a far superior version.

Mmm… Jessica Rabbit. Err, where was I?

Oh, right. Number 5. Does this one, by any chance, sound familiar?

That’s right. The most overplayed song in the world by the most overplayed band in the UK now has the most overrated babbling twat spouting chavvy nonsense over the top of it. I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

Just time to stop off at number 3, and Jason Derulo’s In My Head, whiney black man number 3.

Pro tip for Mr Derulo: Singing your own name at the start of a song wasn’t cool when Craig David did it. It still isn’t now. Plus, your song is shit and sounds like every other whiney black man out there. Shut up.

And finally – I’ve saved the best for last – it’s the current UK number 1, the appallingly spelled Tinie Tempah and Pass Out.

I’m going to say nothing about this song… but I am going to share the lyrics with you after the jump (if you’re on the front page, click this post’s title or the “Read More” link below to read the full thing in all its… err… “glory”), and you can make your own mind up. Bear in mind this is the current number 1 in the charts. Once you’ve listened to it and read the lyrics you might understand why I mourn the UK music scene’s sorry state. So without further ado, I leave you with Tinie Tempah. The twat.

It’s ok,
I’m good,
Let’s Go!

Yeah (yeah) we bring the stars out,
We bring the women and the cars and the cards out,
Lets have a toast a celebration get a glass out,
And we can do this until we pass out.

(so) Let it rain,
Let it pour away,
We won’t come down,
Until we hit the ground and pass out!

Yeah (I) yeah, I’m in charge now,
I’m a star and I bought my fucking cast out,
I live a very very very wild lifestyle,
Heidi and Audrina eat your heart out,
I used to listen to ‘you don’t wanna bring arms house’
I got so many clothes i keep’s em in ma aunt’s house,
Disturbing London baby we about to branch out,
Soon I’ll be the king like Prince Charles’ child, Yeah!

Yeah, yeah and there ain’t nobody fresher
Semester to semester, ravin’ with the freshers
20 light bulbs around my table and my dresser
CLK Kompressor, just in case that don’t impress her
Say hello to Dexter, say hello to Uncle Fester
Got them gazing at my necklace and my crazy sun protectors
G-Shocks i got a crazy don collection
Haters, i cant fuckin’ hear your reception

Yeah (yeah) we bring the stars out,
We bring the women and the cars and the cards out,
Lets have a toast a celebration get a glass out,
And we can do this until we pass out.

(so) Let it rain,
Let it pour away,
We won’t come down,
Until we hit the ground and pass out!

This shit was meant to last me 24 hrs man

Yeah, They say hello, they say ‘ola and they say bonjour,
I’m pissed I never got to fly on a Concorde,
I been Southampton but I’ve never been to Scunthorpe,
I’m fucking crazy with the kicks, call me Jean Claude,

About to be a bigger star than my mum thought,
Cos every day I got a groupie at my front door,
Now I drive past the bus I used to run for,
Where’s my fucking clap, where’s my encore?

I walk alone, cos I was born alone,
I chirps her just for fun, I never ever call her phone,
I leave her in the club, I never ever walk her home,
DL the f’kin foundation, I’m the cornerstone,
I’m born famous,
I’m sorta’ known,
If your son doesn’t,
I bet your Daughter knows,
Check out my visual, checkout my audio,
Extra ordinary, yo, hope you enjoyed the show,

Yeah (yeah) we bring the stars out,
We bring the women and the cars and the cards out,
Lets have a toast a celebration get a glass out,
And we can do this until we pass out.

(so) Let it rain,
Let it pour away,
We won’t come down,
Until we hit the ground and pass out!

Woh ho, woh ho ho (etc)

Uh, Look at me i been a cheeky bastard, Man’im,
Look at all the drama we started, Now’im
In here layin’ on my back, sayin’ DJ wont ya gimmie one more track

I’ll apologise for tonight, tomorrow morning.

(so) Let it rain,
Let it pour away,
We won’t come down,
Until we hit the ground and pass out!

(so) Let it rain,
Let it pour away,
We won’t come down,
Until we hit the ground and pass out!

Pass out
Pass out