2410: Sounds of Vana’Diel

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Talking to some of my Final Fantasy XIV friends today, I realised quite what an impact XIV’s predecessor Final Fantasy XI had on me, even though I never really got that far with it in the long term.

As with many other things throughout my life, the thing that has stayed with me for the longest ever since I played it for the first time is the music. (Incidentally, the music is, more than anything, the reason why I find I can’t stay away from Final Fantasy XIV for long, even when, as I did recently, I think I’m “over it”.)

Final Fantasy XI’s music is not as well known as many of the other soundtracks in the series, primarily because XI itself is not as well known as the other Final Fantasy games that have been released over the years. It’s not as technically accomplished as XIV’s diverse soundtrack, and it’s not the work of series veteran Nobuo Uematsu (who hasn’t been quite as involved with the series in more recent years) but it is nonetheless made up of a selection of rather lovely pieces of music.

Here are a few that make me feel suitably nostalgic every time I hear them.

This music, simply called Ronfaure after the area in which it plays, is one of my favourite pieces from Final Fantasy XIV, because it pretty much sums up the overall atmosphere of the game: vaguely melancholic and rather traditional.

Final Fantasy XI is — at least, from what I remember — one of the more traditionally-set Final Fantasy games, with an emphasis on good old swords, shields, magic, orcs and goblins. Its soundtrack reflects this, and is a contrast to XIV’s diverse track listing, which reflects the diversity of XIV’s world itself.

The first character I played in Final Fantasy XI — and the only one that ever got anywhere to date — hailed from the Federation of Windurst, and thus his starting area was Sarutabaruta, which featured this wonderfully calming piece of music to accompany your exploration.

Sarutabaruta was a land of grassy meadows and sunshine; a thoroughly pleasant place to have a stroll, were it not for the monsters wandering here and there, of course.

One of the things I liked most about Final Fantasy XI, even after I played World of Warcraft for the first time, was the fact that it had a battle theme. Well, actually it had several according to your progress and whether or not you were in a party, but this one was likely to be the first one you heard as you stepped out of the gates of your starting city for the first time and prepared to have the shit kicked out of you by a small bumblebee. (FFXI was an MMO designed in the EverQuest mould, in comparison to FFXIV’s rough adherence to the World of Warcraft formula, and consequently was brutally difficult, particularly at low levels.)

I always particularly liked that the battle theme for FFXI actually sounded like a Final Fantasy battle theme.

Final Fantasy XI’s character creator was simple compared to those that came in later years, but one of the things I always liked about it was that each of the several races you could play as in the game had their own “theme tune” and even had their own signature animations to show you what they were all about while you were deciding. The Mithra, FFXI’s take on the catgirl, were exactly how you would expect them to be from a game designed by Japanese people, and their music reflected that nicely.

Final Fantasy XI’s group content was structured rather differently to XIV. It wouldn’t be until about level 25 or so that you’d encounter your first real “boss”, marked by a “Burning Circle” that you had to enter with a party of companions you’d previously gathered — no Duty Finder for you here.

Confronting said boss was A Big Deal, in other words, which is why I can remember it vividly: battling a dragon and his Ahriman companion, accompanied by this stirring soundtrack.

I never got far enough into the story to get properly into the expansion packs for FFXI, but I did visit some of the areas, because they were good for level-grinding.

I think, for once, YouTube comments sum up what I feel on hearing this piece of music better than anything I could say here:

“And here I am, 8 or 9 years later laying in bed listening to this music, wondering what ever happened to the people I considered my closest friends. Time is cruel, and one by one we each took a break from the game and never returned. If youre in a guild/ls/free company now, these will be the days that you someday look back on 😀 Dont let your friendships disappear, get on Facebook/Discord/Guildwork and keep in touch with them.”

“Makes me tear up… I miss my old ls. r.i.p. Saints”

“comments like these make me wanna cry ;-; chemistry like this is so hard to find now. social life is so fast now”

Quite. For all their faults, for all the assholes who play them and all the whining that inevitably goes on around them, MMOs are, at heart, about people finding and connecting with one another, then sharing unforgettable experiences together.

2239: Now’s a Great Time to Buy PS3, 360 and Wii Games

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It’s a new generation of console hardware, and has been for a while! Woohoo!

However, more than ever with this generational changeover in particular, the previous generation of consoles are far from irrelevant, and in fact if you’re a thrifty gamer now is a very good time to start building out your PS3, Xbox 360 and Wii libraries.

Why? Because it’s damn cheap to do so… for the most part, anyway. Thanks to stores that specialise in preowned games and the dropping prices of new, factory-sealed games due to perceived “irrelevance”, you can now pick up formerly £40 games for considerably less than their launch price — often even single-digit prices, which I find enormously entertaining as someone who remembers buying budget, cassette-only releases for 8-bit computers in the ’80s and ’90s.

I say this having bought a few games at CEX earlier today: I managed to score copies of Lollipop Chainsaw, Bayonetta 2, Xenosaga Episode II, Kingdom Hearts II HD and Enchanted Arms for considerably less than their original asking price. All of them are in good condition — I think all of them even have their manuals, which is reasonably rare when it comes to preowned games.

Right now, then, is the ideal time to invest in games that you’ve always meant to add to your 360, PS3 and Wii collections, but never got around to. We’re at that time when the games are declining in value because the hardware is still readily available and people are still trading them in, but we’re not yet at the point where the games are no longer being made and certain titles are becoming more and more rare. In other words, this means it’s pretty rare to find games retailing for more than their original asking price, though as the new generation of hardware continues and the old guard fall more and more out of favour, this situation will start to arise more and more, particularly for niche-interest, limited run titles such as Japanese role-playing games.

So if you still have a 360, PS3 or Wii knocking around — and if not, why not? They’re all still great systems! — do be sure to take a trip down to your local used game store and see what they have to offer. And if you see something you’ve always meant to have a go at, but have never gotten around to, it’s well worth taking that chance now, because with each passing year, that game you never got around to playing will be getting rarer and rarer, until eventually your only choice if you want to play it will be to pay overinflated eBay and Amazon seller prices. And you don’t want to do that, do you? (Although I must admit paying well over the odds for a rare game does make for a good collector’s “war story”; some of my most treasured games include Space Channel 5 Part 2 on PS2, which had a ridiculously limited run here in Europe, and Fire Emblem Whatever The One on the Gamecube Was Called, which is likewise apparently rather hard to find these days.)

I anticipate, having recently realised all this myself, that my 360 and PS3 collections are going to grow quite considerably in the next few months…

2193: First Suda Experiences

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On a whim earlier — and partly because I’d been pondering the wisdom of attempting to put an actual book together on interesting Japanese games — I fired up my Xbox 360 for the first time in ages and put in a disc that had never yet graced its DVD drive: Shadows of the Damned.

I picked this game up a long time ago back when Game and Gamestation were having their difficulties and were selling off huge amounts of their stock at ridiculously low prices. (Entertainingly, preowned Xbox 360 games now just normally sell for about the same price they did when the company was trying frantically to get everything out the door as quickly as possible.) It was one of many investments for the future — games that I thought looked interesting, but didn’t necessarily want to play right now. I own several games by Goichi “Suda51” Suda, and haven’t played any of them, for exactly this reason.

I didn’t even know a whole lot about Shadows of the Damned. I remember a few people talking about it when it came out — largely about how in-your-face shocking it was — but never knew details. This meant I could go into it pretty much with beginner’s mind, which is always the best way to approach the more interesting games out there, particularly “auteur”-style works such as that produced by Suda.

Anyway, after an introductory sequence in which the protagonist’s girlfriend was hanged, raped by demons that crawled out of her corpse, brought back to life and attached to the Lord of Hell’s dick, who then dragged her into the Underworld promising to continually rape, kill and resurrect her until the end of time, the protagonist leapt into the convenient hell portal and met up with his demonic friend Johnson, who can helpfully turn himself into a motorbike or a gun.

After that initiation, I knew I was in for a bit of a strange ride. What I was pleasantly surprised to discover is that said ride is also a lot of fun — not just for its entertainingly written and wonderfully delivered dialogue, but also for its gameplay. Essentially a third-person shooter somewhat akin to later Resident Evil games, Shadows of the Damned features a number of interesting mechanics which gradually start to overlap and intertwine as you progress. Initially you’ll have to deal with just one kind of obstacle at a time, then two, then several with enemies trying to chew your face off. The opening is paced in such a way as to be challenging, but also to equip you with everything you need to progress further.

One striking thing about the game so far is that it reminded me how long it’s been since I played an honest-to-goodness completely linear game. Shadows of the Damned is split into discrete levels, each with a clear path through them — albeit with a few diversions to find items and suchlike — and it made me realise how much more focused an experience this provides than the open worlds we tend to get confronted with these days. That’s not to say there’s anything particularly wrong with an open world, but sometimes clear corridors and pathways are nice — they certainly keep the pace rolling along at a fair old lick.

I’m only a couple of levels in so far, but I’ve greatly enjoyed what I’ve played; everything about this game seems to work perfectly well together to create an experience that very much makes you sit up and take notice of it. I’m looking forward to seeing the rest of it — and I’m suddenly inclined to check out the other Suda games I have on my shelf!

2062: By Request: 100 Reasons You Should Play Metal Gear Solid V

Continuing with my exercise from the last few days in which I take “requests” from my Twitter followers, today I follow the suggestion of Josh “Musubi Azeyma” Major, a friend whom I originally met through Final Fantasy XIV. Josh requested that I present a hundred reasons why people should play Metal Gear Solid V, because he’s obsessed with it right now and thinks everyone else should be too. So, who am I to argue with that logic?

DISCLAIMER: The only real potential issue with this task is that I haven’t actually played Metal Gear Solid V, nor do I own a copy. Since we have, however, established that it is acceptable for professional journalists to comment negatively about things without putting in a substantial amount of time with them — or in some cases, without even playing them at all — it’s surely fine for some nobody blogger in the wilds of the Internet (albeit one who used to be a professional games journalist) to speak positively about something he has absolutely no experience with whatsoever. So, without further ado, let’s begin.

It’s part of the Metal Gear Solid series, which people have heard of.
Hideo Kojima is a cool dude who posts pictures of Eggs Benedict on Twitter and makes jokes about them jiggling like boobs.
Konami fucked Hideo Kojima up the ass pretty royally towards the end of Metal Gear Solid V’s development, so while buying a copy and enjoying it may support Konami to a certain degree, it also shows your support for Hideo Kojima’s creation.
The graphics are quite pretty.
It’s available on Xbox 360, Xbox One, PlayStation 3 and PlayStation 4, so unless you’re a weirdo who only has a Wii U in the house, you can almost certainly play it.
Quiet has nice tits.
Quiet is pretty badass.
Appreciating Quiet’s feminine wiles pisses off the outrage brigade.
There are guns in this game.
And dogs.
And a horse that you can command to shit whenever you want.
You can attach balloons to bears and send them flying off into the sky.
You can do the same with enemy guards.
There’s apparently some sort of story that’s pretty good.
Something interesting happens in the medical bay or something, everyone keeps yammering on about it without actually saying what it is because spoilers.
Something about cassette tapes.
METAL GEAR?!
It is, I am assured, open world without being directionless.
It does that thing I like where it presents each mission as its own self-contained “episode”, complete with intro and outro credits sequences.
Each mission is apparently pretty tightly focused rather than making use of the open world unnecessarily.
It’s not Splinter Cell.
Revolver Ocelot.
Metal Gear is a Japanese series that it’s apparently still acceptable to like without people calling you a paedophile.
There are achievements and trophies in the game.
If you’re really good at a mission, you get an S-rank and feel all happy.
You can tranquilise people.
You can kill people.
You can sneak up on people.
You can charge in the front door of an enemy base brandishing an assortment of improbable military hardware, then blow everything up with reckless disregard for the “Tactical Espionage” part of the game’s subtitle.
Something about tanks.
Anita Sarkeesian’s puppetmaster Jonathan McIntosh doesn’t like Hideo Kojima for the jokes he makes on Twitter (see #2).
Posting things about Metal Gear Solid online at the time of writing is a sure-fire means of getting those sweet-ass clicks.
There’s a Mother Base that you manage or something.
You can get soldiers and dogs and stuff for your base or something.
Some of it’s a bit like Peace Walker, which I also haven’t played but people seemed to like.
Kojima has dialled back the “I’M MAKING A MOVIE!!” chaos. A bit.
Kiefer Sutherland is like a proper famous actor, innit.
The probably-vain hope that David Hayter will show up at some point in the same, growl “SURPRISE”, snap the neck of KieferSnake, forcing you to play the rest of the game as Snake with his proper voice.
Lid from Hyperdevotion Noire was pretty fit.
You can hide in cardboard boxes.
You can play as people who aren’t Snake if you so desire.
Including women. SHOCK
But Snake has a robot arm or something, so he’s clearly the best.
If you’re playing this game, you are contractually obliged to put the word “Punished” in front of your Twitter name, because it makes you at least 20% cooler to do so.
This coolness quotient increases to 30% if you also scrawl an eyepatch on your avatar using Microsoft Paint.
Hurt me more, Snake
There’s a sweet-ass limited edition PlayStation 4 to tie in with the game’s release, because we all know Metal Gear is a series that belongs on PlayStation.
There’s some sort of online feature, I think.
You’re banned from soliciting relationships with other people through Metal Gear Solid V’s online features, which means you can protect yourself against people who are on the pull through Metal Gear Solid V’s online features.
Who does that?
I anticipate it will be less than a week before someone recreates a scene from this using nothing but Super Mario Maker.
Someone already did the microwave tunnel scene from Metal Gear Solid IV.
This game is longer than Ground Zeroes.
It is also a lot longer than previous Metal Gear games.
My friend Josh claims to have spent over a hundred hours on this game so far.
A lot of stuff is optional, so you can probably whizz through it a bit quicker if you want to.
Something about vagina bombs. (I didn’t play Ground Zeroes either.)
You like Castlevania, don’t you?
There are no navel-gazing codec conversations between Raiden and Rose.
There are, instead, navel-gazing cassette tapes, but you can listen to these while you’re attaching helium balloons to bears.
Metal Gear games usually have good villains. (I have absolutely no idea who the villains are in this.)
Ditto boss fights. (Likewise.)
The old games had good music. This one probably maybe does too.
Ditto voice acting.
You can level up Snake or something.
I think you can possibly maybe level up the other soldiers you collect too.
If Quiet’s boobylicious outfit bothers you that much, she has numerous other costumes, including being completely covered in blood and Sniper Wolf’s somewhat more conservative but still boobylicious outfit.
Apparently there’s some explanation for why Quiet dresses the way she does.
Something about photosynthesis.
Or possibly nanomachines. Son.
That big speech at the end of Metal Gear Solid 2 was kind of cool in how eerily prescient it was.
That means that in roughly ten years’ time, something in Metal Gear Solid V will probably be looked back on and numerous chins stroked thoughtfully.
This installment uses a Roman numeral V instead of the Arabic digit 5, because Roman numerals are, as everyone knows, inherently classier.
The Phantom Pain sounds kind of cool as a subtitle.
Although it’s a bit close to The Phantom Menace for my liking.
Although it looks as if Metal Gear Solid V may well be reclaiming the subtitle structure The Phantom [x] from the damage that Star Wars did to it.
George Lucas had nothing to do with this game.
This game does not feature, at any point, in Disney Infinity.
If you play this game, you can talk about it with your friends rather than just nodding and smiling and pretending to know what they’re blathering on about.
The Steam version might have trading cards or something, I don’t know because the Steam store isn’t working for me right now.
The PC port has to be better than that dogshit effort with the last Batman game.
Hey, it’s a Metal Gear Solid game that you can actually play on PC without dicking around with emulators!
You should still probably play it on PlayStation, preferably on that sweet-ass limited edition console.
If you buy one of those sweet-ass limited edition consoles from me when I’m working, do me a solid and also buy the extended warranty coverage and preorder some other stuff.
The person who hired me for my part-time seasonal retail job is a huuuuge fan of Metal Gear Solid.
I was hired for said job partly because I included the words “nanomachines, son” under the “Skills” section on my CV.
I’m running out of things to write here.
I’m honestly impressed that I’ve made it to 88 without much padding.
If you buy a physical copy of the game you can put it on your shelf alongside all the previous Metal Gear Solid games for a cool display of the series over time.
The uneven sizes of the boxes for Metal Gear Solid over the years — CD-sized PSone cases, DVD-sized PS2 cases, slightly-smaller-than-DVD-sized PS3, PS4 and Xbox One cases — makes for an attractively wibbly-wobbly effect on your shelf.
The hardback strategy guide for Metal Gear Solid V is very pretty indeed, and if you can still find a copy anywhere you often get a free poster with it.
The softback one is still pretty meaty and can probably do some damage to an assailant if you have it to hand when you come under attack.
Even if you have no intention of playing Metal Gear Solid V, tossing the disc case out in front of a passing guard will distract them long enough for you to sneak up behind them and snap their neck.
You probably shouldn’t do that.
Instead, you can indulge such fantasies in the new video game from Hideo Kojima, Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.
There’s some sort of kawaii idol girl posters scattered around the place in the game.
Have you considered trying Mad Max as well, which came out the same day? Polygon hated it, which is reason enough to try it.
You should probably also give Until Dawn a go if you have a PlayStation 4, because Sony idiotically released it last week and not at, I don’t know, Halloween.
You can probably edit together some entertaining and silly videos using the next-gen consoles’ video capture facilities and software such as the PS4’s ShareFactory.
If you bugger off and play Metal Gear Solid V, I don’t have to keep writing this, and I can get on with playing Super Mario Maker instead.

#oneaday, Day 314: In Which I Spoil The Crap Out Of DEADLY PREMONITION

I beat DEADLY PREMONITION tonight and made the confident announcement that it was, barring any last-minute wonders, very much my Game of the Year for 2010. It won’t be everyone’s Game of the Year for 2010 by any means, for various reasons. But personally speaking, it’s very much the most satisfying gaming experience I’ve had all year. Which is nice.

Throughout the course of this post, I am going to spoil the crap out of the game, so if you haven’t beaten it and are intending to, you may wish to skip this one. If you have no intention of beating the game, feel free to stick around. And if you have beaten the game, you’re probably in a similar position to me right now.

I can pin down DEADLY PREMONITION‘s appeal to me on a personal level very simply. It takes elements from two of my favourite game series of all time—Silent Hill and Persona—and blends them together to produce a game which skitters precariously along the boundary between madness and sanity and somehow doesn’t ever completely fall into the trap of “indecipherable nonsense”.

First, the Persona angle. DEADLY PREMONITION‘s world of the town of Greenvale is a well-realised one. As you progress through the game, you get to know the layout of the town and the routines of its residents. You also get to know each and every one of the residents throughout the course of the story. If you choose to take on the 50 “side missions”, then you get to know many of the characters very well indeed. This is just like Persona‘s Social Link system: optional material which fleshes out the game world and its characters enormously. If you take your time to enjoy this material, then events which occur later in the story take on much greater emotional significance as you really “know” the people concerned. It also means that when the time finally comes to say goodbye to Greenvale at the end of the game, it’s a difficult thing to do.

Next, the Silent Hill angle. It becomes very apparent early in the game that protagonist Francis York Morgan is not all he seems. For starters, he spends a huge amount of his time conversing with someone you can’t see named Zach. For much of the game, it seems that “Zach” is a cypher through which York can communicate directly with the player. Indeed, it certainly seems that way when York asks a question of Zach and it’s up to the player to choose Zach’s response.

But the wonderful thing about DEADLY PREMONITION‘s story is that we get to know York very well as the narrative progresses. It becomes apparent that he is scarred mentally by something terrible which happened in his past—his father killing his mother, and then himself. As the investigation into the murders in Greenvale proceeds, it becomes apparent to York why this incident took place. He accepts why his father did it when he is put into the exact same situation—the person he loves is “soiled” with the red seeds the murderer is so obsessed with. With this acceptance, York also admits who he really is—he is Zach, and York is the dual personality he invented to deal with the situation, not the other way around.

York’s mental scars show themselves in other ways, too—any time he begins profiling the killer and tracking down clues with which to determine what happened, he lapses into a dark “Other World”, much like Dark Silent Hill. It’s never explained exactly why this happens, but my belief upon beating the game is that the things seen as York and Zach aren’t to be taken literally. We can tell this by the fact that Zach fights a giant, monstrous version of Kaysen at the end of the game as the town’s iconic clock tower lies in ruins, yet when everything gets back to “normal”, the clock tower is perfectly intact. Similarly, after fighting George as a giant, muscular “immortal” monster, he dies as a normal man. My guess is that York and Zach view these monstrous people simply as monsters, perhaps to distance him/themself from their “humanity”. This is also borne out by the fact that when York visits Diane’s art gallery with George and Emily and Greenvale apparently becomes “Other Greenvale”, they don’t comment on it at all—because they don’t see it.

Of course, a question is raised when Emily has to rescue York from the clock tower—she sees the Other World and the creatures. Why? Is it because she has come to understand and love York and is seeing things the way he does? Perhaps. The fact that this isn’t explained may be unsatisfying to some people, but I like the fact that there are some questions which are open to interpretation.

I could be wrong about all of this, of course. I’m sure there’s plenty of interpretations all over the web by now—I haven’t looked at them yet. But the fact that a game offers such scope for discussion and interpretation is admirable.

Deep part over. Let’s also talk about some of the quirky things that make DEADLY PREMONITION such a memorable game. For one, the music. There are several points throughout the game where the only rational explanation for the choice of music is to be as inappropriate as possible. Take, for example, Emily following the dog Willie to track down the missing York. This sequence is accompanied by what can only be described as Latino J-hip-hop-electronica. Somehow it works.

By far the most striking use of bizarre music, though, is a flashback sequence where the player controls the Raincoat Killer, who is running through the town of Greenvale slaughtering anyone who gets in his way with a gigantic axe. The musical accompaniment to this scene? A really quite beautiful version of Amazing Grace. The juxtaposition between the music and the horrors taking place on screen actually ends up being profoundly emotional, and sets the tone for the last part of the game, which is a veritable rollercoaster of drama and emotion.

I think my favourite thing, though, is that despite the fact the game appears to be a horror/crime story, there’s a convincing love story element to it, too. The growing feelings between York (or, specifically, Zach) and Emily throughout the course of the game is handled incredibly well. The love story reaches its peak just as Emily is killed, making what could have been a ridiculous scene—she pulls a whole tree out of her stomach, for heaven’s sake—one with considerable impact and shock value, and one which spurs the player, York and Zach on to see the whole debacle through to its conclusion. It’s also refreshing to see a game which isn’t afraid to end some of its story threads in tragedy for principal characters.

I could rabbit on about this game for hours, but at a little over 1,000 words I’ll end that there. Several members of The Squadron of Shame are interested in recording a special DEADLY PREMONITION podcast at some point. If you’ve beaten it and you’re interested in joining us for some discussion (I’m looking at you, Raze, Schilling) then let me know and perhaps you can be a special guest. You can also drop by the Squawkbox and share your thoughts there, too.

So with that, then, it’s back to Fallout: New Vegas as the next entry in the Pile of Shame, I believe I said.

#oneaday, Day 311: Monstrosities of the Indie Marketplace

As I have mentioned once or twice previously, the Xbox LIVE Indie Games Marketplace is a veritable treasure-trove of unappreciated hidden gems of gaming.

It’s also an uncleaned litter tray of some of the worst fecal matter you’ll ever have the misfortune to play. Still, all credit to those developers for actually finishing a project and getting out there for the public to at least try out. And if they sell just one “pity copy”, then they can call themselves a professional game developer.

Even if their game is one of the following, which I have exhaustively researched (well, played the trials of) in order to bring you today’s blog post, featuring the very worst the Indie Marketplace has to offer.

Well, perhaps not the very worst. I was highly scientific in the games I chose: I picked the ones with the ugliest or cheesiest cover art on the marketplace or, in one case, the most hilarious title. And here are my results.

Spring Break in Zombie USA

This game promises “action” and “driving”. In practice, it’s a twin-stick shooter where you have to press a fire button as well as move the right-stick, and occasionally you jump into a car and drive up a vertically-scrolling road that is completely straight with no obstacles on it whatsoever.

The concept is that you are racing down to Spring Break to rescue your sister, who has, as these things tend to go, got stuck in a zombie apocalypse. It’s up to you, as either a long-haired rocker dude or a pimped-out black guy with a bitchin’ hat (presumably it’s an adoptive sister to one or both of them) to shoot lots of MS Paint zombies that take entirely too many bullets to take down and move too fast for you to be able to escape or kill them before they “get” you.

Oh well. At least the soundtrack is actually reasonably good, at least on the title screen.

Pie Collect

The title of this one is extremely literal. You play a small orb known as a “sweeper”, whose job it is to collect pies, which are inexplicably floating in space. Collecting a pie releases an evil orb, which moves back and forth or up and down across the screen. There are a few powerups, but you only have one life.

It has a certain Crystal Quest-esque charm about it, but any challenge in the game is entirely negated by the “safe zone” at the bottom of the screen, represented by a picnic blanked that is also inexplicably floating in space, and allows you to safely navigate around all the orbs, putting you at minimal risk.

A Game you can’t BEAT!!

Erratic capitalisation is as the game represents itself on the Marketplace. This is essentially one of those Impossible Game-style things where you control some sort of inanimate object/shape and have to jump and not die. In this case, you control one of three different balls, and there is a simultaneous two-player mode.

It’s extremely difficult but there is little to no incentive to try again, though there are a few quasi-Achievement medals to chase in the full version. But when the “Easy course” repeatedly kills you after approximately eight seconds every time, that’s just taking difficulty a little too far.

Valet Parking, Inc.

This one wins the “cheesiest artwork” award, with a girl in a “sexy parking attendant” costume on the cover art who clearly has nothing to do with the game whatsoever beside a rough association with the theme of the game, which is parking cars.

It’s actually a moderately-interesting idea for a game. Cars show up, you park them wherever you like, keep an eye on the clock and give them back to appropriately-coloured customers when they return. You also have “hunger” and “stamina” meters that gradually deplete as you run around and spend time doing your job, so you have to take a break every so often.

Trouble is, the cars handle really weirdly. They seem to rotate around their back wheels, which makes controlling them somewhat troublesome. They also have a weird acceleration curve that goes “slow… slow… slow… SUDDENLY FAST”

The graphics are entertainingly mid-90s pre-rendered, too. And the in-game clock can’t handle times that have “00” as the minutes value, so the clock moves from “12:59” straight to “13:01”, for example.

Still, with a bit of polish this could actually be a moderately fun “time management” game. You can tell it’s the best by the fact I’ve written more than two paragraphs on it.

Super Janitoroid

Obviously intended to be some sort of Super Metroid spoof, this game stars an Aussie janitor represented by a crudely-drawn body with a digitised head atop it. He is armed with a badly-drawn mop which can attack horizontally and vertically, and there’s a large map to explore in a Metroid stylee.

It also has one of the most horrendously awful frame rates I’ve ever seen on an Xbox 360 game, which makes your eyes go squiffy after a while. Assuming they haven’t already gone squiffy from the bizarre graphics.

Techno Kitten Adventure

Save the best for last. Techno Kitten Adventure is a single-button game in which you control a kitten with a jetpack as it attempts to fly around a series of box-shaped obstacles.

The twist with this game is the horrendously awful Euro-dance soundtrack which is annoyingly catchy. This fact is made even worse by the titter-inducing fact that the background animates according to the lyrics of the song, featuring rainbows flowing past, falling stars, throbbing techno laser light shows and lots and lots of flashing lights.

This game is worth playing purely to see its hilarious “interactive music video” nature. Thankfully, you don’t actually have to play it, as the song and background animation continue even while you’re waiting at the “press A to start” screen, meaning you can watch the whole thing without having to purchase the game. Which is probably for the best.

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So there you go. I’ve played those games so you don’t have to. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices that I’ve made for you. And you really should play Techno Kitten Adventure to appreciate its horrendous…ness.

I’m trying not to be too harsh on these games, though. Because the thing is, I couldn’t make something half as good as Techno Kitten Adventure. I wouldn’t know where to start with programming for the 360. So, as bizarre and, in some cases, awful as these games are, you should at least give the developers some props for getting out there, trying to make something and having the guts to release it to the world so people like me can rip them to shreds on blogs they’ll never read.

So fair play, guys. I’m sure it’s all good practice.

#oneaday, Day 306: Need for Speed

My brother was good enough to send me a copy of the new Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. It arrived this morning and I’ve spent a fair amount of time putting it through its paces today. I shall now share my thoughts for the benefit of those of you considering it.

In very simple terms, it can be described as “Burnout with real cars”. This is not in the slightest bit surprising, given developer Criterion’s history. But this is through-and-through a Burnout game, right down to the ways you earn boost and the cinematic “crash camera”. And not a Burnout Paradise interpretation of Burnout, either. Because although I loved that game, as did some of my friends, there are plenty of people out there who didn’t like it much, either, for various reasons.

Hot Pursuit returns to the roots of both the Need for Speed and the Burnout series, in that it is about driving impossibly-expensive and shiny cars through a variety of circuits in an effort to Be The Fastest Mo-Fo In The World. There’s no tacked-on story (besides the fact that the cops have outfitted themselves with some seriously heavy-duty automotive hardware) and no unnecessary fluff—it’s just a map screen, a series of events and a bunch of cars to unlock gradually according to your progress. Those who did enjoy the free-roaming nature of past Need for Speed games as well as Burnout Paradise are free to drive around the sprawling game world as they please to find events, but those who prefer kicking it old-school can just select events from a map. Best of both worlds. You have to wonder why this hasn’t been thought of previously.

The shining light in Hot Pursuit‘s arsenal of, err, light-emitting weapons (abandon metaphor!) is the Autolog system. Essentially an in-game social network, it sets out to do what Blur did, but better, and succeeds admirably. While racing any event, you have not only the single-player targets to beat, but also an “Autolog Recommends” target to beat, too. This way, when you do beat all the single-player events (and you will, eventually, because they’re not that difficult, at least to begin with) you have plenty of incentive to go back and beat your friends. This incentive is made even better by the fact that you have a Facebook-style “wall” on which you can brag about your Achievements and even write your own custom messages and comments. There’s a fairly heavy-duty naughty word filter in place, though, which inexplicably censored the post “This game is awesome. Time to take a break, now, though.” in its entirety. I haven’t seen bizarre censorship of this nature since Phantasy Star Online censored the words “shoes” and “Saturday” for having rude words in the middle of them.

Overzealous censorship aside, though, the Autolog feature is an excellent one. Every time you log in, assuming you have friends playing the game, you’ll have a new set of challenges to beat. Autolog even recommends friends of friends that are playing the game whom you may want to add to your Xbox friends lists. This is a smart idea—again, why hasn’t anyone thought to do this before?

Possibly my favourite thing, though, is the return of one of the best things about Need for Speed: Most Wanted. The cinematic “chase music” when you’re being chased by cops. While the licensed soundtrack that plays in cop-free events is solid enough, though fairly forgettable, the orchestral, cinematic music that plays in Hot Pursuit events gets the pulse pounding and adds a sense of urgency to these races. I’m glad to see the return of it.

I haven’t tried playing as a cop yet, though I’m anticipating an experience akin to a modern-day remake of Chase HQ. This is very much a Good Thing. Further reports as events warrant.

In summary, then: You like arcade racing? You gonna love this.

#oneaday, Day 296: DEADLY PREMONITION Must Always Be In Capslock

Ahh, all you people out there playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. I hope you’re having a good time. I seriously doubt you’re having as good a time as me. Because I’m playing DEADLY PREMONITION, a game so remarkable it insists on its title being in capitals whenever it announced you’re playing it on Xbox LIVE.

Here in Europe, we’re late to the DEADLY PREMONITION party, of course, but at least the game finally made it over here. And at a knock-down price of £24.99, too. This is very much a Good Thing, though I’m concerned that within a few weeks the game will have disappeared without trace, never to be seen again. As such, I decided that I should probably pick up a copy before that happened. I did the same with 3D Dot Game Heroes a while back, and still haven’t got around to finishing that. One day.

DEADLY PREMONITION, though, I decided to make a start on tonight after Fallout: New Vegas decided to throw a wobbly earlier on. So here, then, are my first impressions of a game I knew pretty much nothing about prior to tonight, save the fact that it’s supposedly “so bad it’s good” territory.

The first thing that will strike you upon firing up Deadly… I mean DEADLY PREMONITION is that it looks like ass. Coming off a game with sparkly hi-definition graphics like Fallout: New Vegas, or Vanquish (which I reviewed this week for The Big Pixels… go check it out) it’s a jarring change to see muddy textures and that weird “sparkly texture” effect that we used to see all the time on previous-gen consoles. But after a few short moments it ceases to matter. And if anything, so far I am feeling that the shoddy graphics are, in fact, part of this game’s charm.

The second thing which is striking about the game is that it is genuinely atmospheric. Some good use of creepy sounds, reminiscent of Silent Hill, coupled with some ugly, horrifying enemies that remind me somewhat of Fatal Frame (aka Project Zero) make for a nerve-wracking walk into town. I haven’t got very far yet, so I couldn’t say for certain if this atmosphere continues throughout. But I’m certainly impressed with the feeling of dread which the game is producing so far.

Controls are initially clunky but you soon adjust to them when you remember that this isn’t supposed to be a fast-action shooter. Yes, being rooted to the spot while aiming a gun is a pain. But it forces you to think a little bit more carefully about getting into a suitable position to fire rather than spraying bullet fire around randomly. I’m certainly fine with it, though it would be understandable for some people to hate it.

In fact, that last statement pretty much sums up what I’m expecting from DEADLY PREMONITION as a whole: something which I’m going to enjoy a huge amount, which other people will probably hate, loathe and despise for various reasons. Some may be immediately turned off by the graphics (whores that you are). Some may be put off by the control scheme (which is easier for me to sympathise with). And others simply would probably rather play something like Call of Duty. Which, as I said yesterday, is absolutely fine by me.

Me? I’ll be exploring Greenvale and trying not to get chopped up by the “Raincort Killer” [sic], as the European box would have it. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

#oneaday, Day 283: The Brown Wasteland

I love the Fallout series a lot more than I think. Any time I’ve spent a protracted amount of time away from them, the only thing I remember about them is the colour brown. Brown brown brown everywhere. Depressing brownness. Wasteland. Dead things. Brown. Dirt. Dust. Oh the dust.

But then I go and play one—in this case, latest entry Fallout: New Vegas—and I remember that life in the wastelands of post-apocalyptic America isn’t just brownness and dead things. Amidst all the death, destruction, doom, depression and other words beginning with D, there’s a lot to discover. There’s life—only some of which is out to kill you—and there’s humour. And there’s an interesting narrative with some deep lore, too.

New Vegas is one of those games that draws you in without realising it and before you know it, several hours have passed. There’s something about the world, the characters in it and the situations you find yourself in that just keep you wanting to explore, just to see what’s around the next corner, over the next ridge.

And the thing I like most about New Vegas, like Fallout 3 and Oblivion before it, is that if you see something off in the distance and think “I wonder what that is?” then you can just walk your way over there and investigate for yourself. And the world is set up in such a way to encourage you to do this.

New Vegas, as it happens, is a huge improvement over Fallout 3. It’s difficult to pin down exactly why this is. Is it the new survival sim “Hardcore Mode”, where you have to keep your character fed, hydrated and rested as well as free of radiation and life-threatening injuries? Is it the interesting plot, which teases you with clues dangling on hooks just out of reach and then proceeds to distract you with OH LOOK ROBOTS AND GHOULS AND WON’T YOU HELP US, STRANGER?

Perhaps it’s the new Companion system, where you can explore the wasteland as a party of up to three—your character, another human and a robot or animal. This certainly makes an enormous difference—for starters, travelling with a trained sniper means that enemies are often taken out long before they get anywhere near me. This is good, because my character sucks at gunplay. Then each companion has a plotline to follow and their own interesting little quirks. The robot I’m travelling with at present, for example, doesn’t speak but blasts out recorded military marches whenever it enters combat. This is inexplicably hilarious.

Or perhaps it’s just the chance to get back into another meaty RPG where you’re not shunted down a linear path to an inevitable conclusion. The Fallout series has always been about exploration and thinking “what would I do if I was in this situation?” Morals sometimes go out of the window in the wasteland, and there’s plenty of interesting choices to make throughout the course of the game’s quests.

The game’s much-publicised bugginess hasn’t reared its head very much since I’ve been playing. I’ve had two freezes, but these weren’t a real problem because 1) I’d been playing so long it was probably time to stop and 2) the auto-save system (at least on the 360) meant that I hadn’t lost any progress. I’m sure there are other bugs out there to be discovered, but frankly, nothing has spoiled my enjoyment of the game so far.

So if you’re the slightest bit interested in seeing how you would take on the perils of survival in the wasteland, Fallout: New Vegas comes highly recommended.

#oneaday, Day 197: Blind Girl

The Xbox Indie Games Marketplace is, at best, a mixed bag, as the vast majority of community-led games portals tend to be. There are some extreme examples of awfulness in there—the most notable that I’ve tried recently being Dossun Island, an 8-bit style platformer with dreadful animation that was clearly designed by someone who has no concept of how parallax scrolling is supposed to work. But then there’s some excellent stuff in there too—stuff which would be worthwhile on Xbox LIVE Arcade. Anyone who’s played games such as Beat Hazard will be aware that there are some genuine gems amongst the millions of massage apps and video-based crap.

And then there’s the “creative” games. For some time now, the term “indie game” has been associated with creativity, artistic experimentation and, of course, that overused word “pretentiousness”. Ever since Braid came along and either charmed or irritated everyone, the term “indie game” has been synonymous with doing things that little bit differently.

One such example of this creativity that I had the good fortune to stumble across tonight was an 80-point game called Blind Girl. In it, you play the titular blind girl and, via some very interesting game mechanics, have to collect musical notes.

Blind Girl, being blind, can’t see anything. So when you enter a level with her all you can see is her face, sitting there in inky blackness with her eyes closed. Moving around causes her face to change into some bare footprints, and the sound of her footsteps causes red “sound waves” to emanate from wherever she is. These sound waves bounce off walls, so by her making noise, the player is able to “see” the layout of the level.

As the game progresses, Blind Girl starts learning a tune. By tapping A, she can sing the part of the tune she has learned so far. This sends out green sound waves which, as the tune grows in length, travel a much greater distance and reveal much more than her footsteps alone.

As a simple maze game, it would be interesting enough. But it’s the twists and puzzles created with these simple mechanics that make Blind Girl such an intriguing game to play. “Enemies”, in the form of sinister floating eyes, are introduced a few levels in. There are red and green variants of these eyes. The red ones will chase Blind Girl if they hear her footsteps, but she can sneak past noiselessly by the player using the analog stick more lightly. The green ones will chase Blind Girl if they hear her singing. However, you can also only see where these eyes are if you hit them with the respectively-coloured sound wave, or if you’re right up close to them you can see “Z”s floating, indicating that they are asleep. Many of the puzzles revolve around manipulating the behaviour of these eyes to clear a path to the musical note, and there’s quite a few examples of creative solutions required.

Following the tradition of Braid, between levels there is some text that makes some attempt to tell a story about our titular heroine. The writers made the strange decision to do this all in rhyme, too, and the “titles” to each level are also in verse. Some of them are a bit clumsy, and it comes across as a very self-conscious attempt to be “arty”. It doesn’t detract from the game at all, though. Just be aware that if Braid‘s books irritated you, Blind Girl‘s poetry might rub you up the wrong way too.

Blind Girl is a pleasure to play. It’s pretty short, so it can easily be played through in one sitting. But the simple game mechanics, which are introduced gradually and paced well without the need for a fourth-wall breaking tutorial, work so well that it’s well worth doing that playthrough. There are times when it’s challenging, but it’s never so difficult that you want to throw the controller down and never play it again (something I experienced with Braid, and something many people have experienced more recently with Limbo). It’s a simple, polished, creative game that is a fine example of someone creating a game which doesn’t easily fit into the traditional “niches” and genres. I guess it’s a puzzle game at heart. But like many other indie games, it’s treated more as a free-flowing, interactive piece of art rather than a “game”.

Check it out. The trial allows you to play about a third of the way through the game, but the full thing is only 80 points. If you’re the slightest bit interested in creative game design, you could do far worse than check it out.