To quote Mr Bill Bailey, I am English, and as such, I crave disappointment. Well, “crave” might not be the right word. “Expect” is probably closer to the truth. A series of crushing disappointments have led me to lower my expectations accordingly, and as such I find myself in a state where even the smallest victories will probably feel like I just single-handedly ice-skated across the Channel with no arms, only one leg and an inability to smell. (Some may argue that an inability to smell may actually make crossing the Channel on ice-skates easier.)

It’s vaguely depressing when you consider that your life aspirations gradually get lower (or “more realistic”, as you justify it to yourself) as you get older, but it’s true.

Right now, the one thing that will tell me that I have Made It And Am In A Good Place will be the day that I’m able to buy a new car. Not “a different car”, a new car. A brand new one. The ones that you see on the television with prices that always begin with “starting from”. That would be lovely. Then I could have a car that works all the time instead of one with “personality”. Cars with “personality” make for amusing stories, but can be a pain in the arse at times. I won’t complain about my personality-filled car too much since I didn’t pay anything for it (I was given it, I didn’t steal it) and it does at least perform the car’s primary function which is to carry you from point A to point B considerably faster than walking.

I will, however, share some of my car’s little quirks with you as I’m sure they’re familiar to any of you who own or have owned a vehicle that’s getting a little long in the tooth.

First up is the “What The Fuck Now?” light, otherwise known as the Engine Management Light. This came on for a while last year and promptly stayed on, apparently due to a shitty catalytic converter or something. The car got serviced, the light went out. Job’s a good ‘un.

Came back from a few weeks in America and got in my car for the first time, started driving it, and sure enough, the What The Fuck Now? light came on. And stayed on. I was annoyed. The car seemed to be running fine, but when random warning lights come on in a vehicle made of things that can explode and/or catch fire, you get a little nervous. I decided to risk it, and drove the 120 miles to Southampton. Three-quarters (ish) of the way there, I stopped at Fleet Services for a drink and a piss. When I started the car up again, the What The Fuck Now? light had gone off. Apparently the car had been feeling neglected and was now satisfied that I’d given it enough attention. It didn’t bother me again.

Until I didn’t drive it for a few days, went out and the What The Fuck Now? light came back on again. Hopefully it will stop whining and complaining when the weather heats up a bit, which it looks like it’s just starting to do.

The What The Fuck Now? light isn’t the only quirky little personality trait my car has, though. No, there’s the “occasionally turn on the windscreen wipers when you clearly haven’t hit the switch” thing, the “gradually fade in the left indicator light on the dashboard when you press the brake pedal while in reverse gear” thing and the “curious rattling noise (that didn’t show up in the MOT or service) when you turn left whilst travelling at 15-20mph, but not when turning right or travelling at speeds greater or less than 15-20mph” quirk.

The Little Blue Car That Could has been a faithful companion for quite some time now. But seriously. I can’t wait for the day I can go and pick up a shiny, brand new car and enjoy driving without wondering if anything’s about to fall off it. (For a little while, at least.)