You’re looking for some new music, and you don’t know what is acceptable to listen to and/or share on various social networking sites. Well, let me come to the rescue, with some one-sentence reviews of the Top 20 tracks in the UK from Spotify. As the name implies, I will be reviewing all tracks using no more than one sentence.
Here we go! Hold tight! This is exciting!
20. Who’s That Chick? (Feat. Rihanna) by David Guetta
This track is not currently available in the United Kingdom.
19. Christmas Lights by Coldplay
This is a Christmas song which sounds like a Coldplay song, unsurprisingly, which means that it’s depressing as fuck and quite boring.
18. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard
If you don’t know this song, you have probably not been into a shop any time from October onwards in the last 30 years.
17. White Christmas by Bing Crosby
See number 18, but insert the words “in the evening” after the words “into a shop”.
16. Step Into Christmas by Elton John
A rock ‘n’ roll Christmas classic that thankfully eschews most of the Christmas clichés found in many other seasonal tracks—things like sleigh bells, bells, bell-ends… oh wait.
15. Just A Dream – Main by Nelly
I was enjoying this song until he started grunting and then singing.
14. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) by John Lennon
The song that usually plays towards the end of the Christmas school disco.
13. The Flood by Take That
This song sounds more like a Robbie Williams solo number than a traditional Take That track up until the first chorus—this is probably not a coincidence.
12. Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro
Groaning, whining misery—just the thing to tell 2010 to stick itself up its own arse and look forward to a bit more positivity.
11. All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
The only Mariah Carey song I like—fact—despite taking in every single Christmas song cliché along the way.
10. Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues Featuring Kirsty MacColl
I fucking hate this song with all its out-of-tune whingeing and supposed charm and wish it wouldn’t be played every ten seconds on the radio over the Christmas break.
9. Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars
To counter the cynicism from the previous items, I’ll say that I quite liked this one, particularly the drumbeat and the building drama in the backing.
8. Last Christmas by Wham!
Back at the school disco again.
7. Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade
I always get this muddled up with the track by Wizzard, thereby proving that all Christmas songs are the same.
6. The Time (Dirty Bit) by Black Eyed Peas
What is this I don’t even.
5. Firework by Katy Perry
Tuneful, predictable pop from the family-friendly slut.
4. Like A G6 by Far East Movement
The overpowering synth line thankfully mostly covers the awful one-note singing, babbling crap about drinking and “heeeealll yeeeeeah”s.
3. Only Girl (In The World) by Rihanna
It’s a Rihanna song which appears to take place in an early 90s German discotheque.
2. Your Song by Ellie Goulding
It’s Your Song by Elton John, now with added (or should that be removed?) dropped T-sounds, a questionable accent and a more melancholy, minimalist feel.
1. What’s My Name? by Rihanna
Your name is Rihanna, and this sounds very much like every other song you have ever recorded—but bonus points for the autotuned rapper guy who helpfully explains to us that the “square root of 64 is 8” (yes, really).
I can sum up this Top 20 in just one word. I don’t need a sentence.
Arse.
Thank you and good night.