#oneaday Day 141: Progress report

It’s been nearly a week that I’ve been following the NHS 12-week “Weight Loss” app programme so far, which basically just means I’ve been counting calories for 6 days. But I’ve been pleasantly surprised by a few things. I’m yet to weigh myself to see if anything has happened as a result of this week as yet — I’ve set “Monday morning after the really long morning piss” as the weekly weigh-in — but as with most things like this, the programme is as much about getting yourself into decent habits as it is about making number go down.

The thing I’ve been most pleasantly surprised about is how possible it is to eat “normally” and enjoyably without breaking the calorie bank. In the last week, I don’t feel like I’ve really had to “give anything up”; when I’ve fancied some crisps, I’ve had some crisps, when I’ve fancied some chocolate, I’ve had some chocolate. The important thing is paying attention to those things and ensuring you don’t do them to excess, and being honest about counting them. As such, even though I’ve had crisps and chocolate and a few other bits and pieces most diets would probably count as “naughty” on some diet plans throughout the week, I’ve still come to the end of each day below the calorie allowance I have.

Now part of this is because I’m a big lad and thus need a few more calories than someone who is normal-sized, but I figure cutting back can be a gradual process. In thinking about what I’m eating and counting the calories, I’m already finding myself thinking “well, I can probably do without that and it will save me 250 calories”. For example, with lunch today I eschewed a bag of crisps and I didn’t really miss them. I suspect long-term I can retrain myself to think that lunchtime doesn’t have to involve a bag of crisps, and thus a bag of crisps can be mentally moved from “expected part of lunch” to “occasional treat”. That seems like a positive step, for sure.

This is a positive move. One of the reasons I have found myself struggling with more “plan-based” approaches in recent years is the feeling that I’m “giving things up” and “missing out” on them. When you specifically rule out certain things from your diet, it turns out that you really crave them. And while when I did Slimming World 10 years or so back I could handle that, this time around I’ve really struggled. And thus it was time to try something different.

As I say, so far it remains to be seen if what I’ve done this week has actually had any tangible effect or if I need to step my efforts up a bit, but from next week I’m planning to start being a little more active again.

Y’see, part of the reason I’m in the state I’m in is due to the COVID years. The whole lockdown thing, coupled with general laziness, caused me to gain a bunch of weight, stop doing any sort of exercise and even start feeling a bit uneasy about going outside generally. That’s not a good place in which to find yourself, so I need to start taking additional steps to sort that out, and getting back into a gym habit will be a good means of doing that.

The reason I haven’t done that this week alongside starting the calorie counting is I did my back in somehow while we were away on holiday, and it’s just starting now to feel like it’s a bit better. I didn’t want to agitate it with exercise, so I’ve been waiting until whatever the problem was appears to have “healed”, and I think it’s pretty much there. So from Monday, I’m going to make an effort to go to the gym at least three times throughout the week.

I think I talked about this elsewhere, but I also plan to not overwhelm myself by suddenly starting a long, intense exercise routine. I’m going to begin by just going and doing, say, 20-30 minutes walking on the treadmill. I have a bit of a mental block where I feel like “just” doing that is a waste of time, but when you’re in the state I’m in, it’s absolutely not. Ideally what I’d want to do is maybe one day 20-30 minutes on the treadmill, then the next day just do the strength training machines, then alternate back and forth between them. That way, over the course of the week, I can end up having done the “recommended” amount of exercise, and I’ll have also done a bit of both cardio and strength.

I don’t yet know if my mental wellbeing and willpower is quite up to that as yet, but it’s something to aim for at least. For now, I’m going to count “went to gym at least three times” next week as a success, and anything more than that is a happy bonus. And that will kick off on Monday, giving me tomorrow to relax a bit, make sure my back is in working order and mentally prepare myself for what’s ahead.

I want to beat this. I know it’s possible, and I know it’s going to be hard work. Right now I’m feeling oddly motivated, so I wanted to put pen to paper and actually express that. Whether I feel the same way on Monday remains to be seen, but these sorts of things always have to be one step at a time, slowly but surely.

And so here I am, taking those slow but sure steps. Here’s hoping they prove to be both worthwhile and sustainable.

Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

#oneaday Day 136: Reset and Restart

Now that I’m back from holiday — and had a thoroughly lovely time, aside from apparently putting my back out because I am an old man — it’s time to get serious about the ol’ weight loss. I’m fed up of treading water and making no progress, so I’m trying a bit of a different tack. Slimming World unfortunately hasn’t quite been working for me this time around, so I have instead decided to try the NHS weight loss app. This is pretty much just a glorified calorie tracker, but it has some helpful articles and things that pop up over the course of following a 12-week plan, plus encouragements to check your progress at sensible intervals rather than obsessing over things daily.

I’m also intending to get back into the gym when my back feels a bit better. I have a casual half-plan to alternate cardio and strength training days so I neither overwhelm myself with too much “stuff” on a single day, nor do I feel like I’m “taking up” too much of my personal time with exercise. I know I should consider exercise a valuable use of my personal time, but the reality of the situation is that I’m still in a position where I somewhat resent it. That needs to change, and it’s going to be a gradual process. So establishing a simple, manageable and minimally intrusive routine is what I think will work for me.

Same with the food. I’ve talked a little on here about my experiences with food and why I’ve ended up the way I am, and based purely on anecdotal evidence, I feel like I’m struggling with a kind of “addiction”. Y’see, I’ve seen people struggling with addiction (to substances other than food) and, as unpleasant as it is to think about and admit, I recognise a lot of similar habits in myself.

Where someone with an alcohol addiction can’t resist buying a bottle of vodka from the shop and hiding it upon getting home, “self-medicating” with it in secret even if other people know that’s what they’re doing, I, too, will find myself at the shop telling myself I “deserve” something that is bad for me. Often multiple things that are bad for me, compounding the problem. And I know they’re bad for me, because I’ll inevitably scarf them down before I return home and take care to throw away the evidence of my secret shame before doing so.

And it absolutely is a form of “self-medication”. I eat to relieve all sorts of things. Boredom, sadness, tiredness, loneliness; any sort of vaguely negative emotion, my body’s conditioned response has become “eat something”. And that’s got me into a terrible situation that with every passing day it feels harder and harder to escape from. I’m ashamed of myself and disgusted with myself, and yet still these behaviours persist.

But I am, at least, aware of them. And gradually changing those behaviours is what I’m trying to do with this new, simpler approach. Today I have come in under my calorie goal and still have enough remaining for a nice glass of milk to accompany bedtime. I haven’t accompanied every trip downstairs with a chocolate biscuit or a bag of crisps, and honestly I haven’t really missed them. I had a decent breakfast, a perfectly acceptable lunch and a good dinner, none of which were the depressing sorts of things you read in slimmers’ “success stories”. And approaching things this way has not left me feeling like I’m “missing out” on anything.

Because that was one of the problems I was having with Slimming World this time around. While their plan is effective if you can follow it, if you get into the mindset that you’re “not allowed” certain things, that just leads you to crave them more. And then you indulge those cravings a little bit “because just one won’t hurt”, and before you know it you’re completely sabotaging your own efforts, completely conscious of the fact that you’re doing so.

That’s what happened to me this time around. I had got myself into the mindset that I could “get away” with the odd little “cheat” here and there, but the odd little cheat here and there turned into near-constant cheating, to such a degree that I was actively hampering my own efforts.

And honestly, there is nothing more depressing than reading something like this:

What I used to eat for breakfast:

Bacon sandwich

Fried Egg

Sausage

Beans

2 slices of toast

Large cup of coffee

What I eat now:

Small handful of chia seeds

Berries I foraged from the weeds in the back garden

A couple of twigs

Pond water

It is possible to lead a comfortable, healthy lifestyle without living exclusively off bits of old wood chippings and leaves. It has to be. There are myriad normal people around the world who happily exist on a day-to-day basis, able to enjoy an occasional coffee and a cake and a Tesco Meal Deal for lunch without ballooning to an absurd size. The key, as with anything, is not to do the “treats” to excess. And that is the difficult bit, because treats are delicious and can often induce a temporary feeling of what appears to be happiness and satisfaction

But it’s temporary. Then comes the regret, and the self-loathing, which you end up wanting to… you get the idea.

Anyway. This is a fresh start. Nothing that came before matters. There shall be no guilt, no regret, just determination. I will see how things go from here. It can’t hurt to try.

#oneaday Day 81: Pep Talk

I am failing hard at my weight loss and fitness goals, so I am going to use today’s opportunity to give myself something of a pep talk. Hopefully laying down the things I’ve been feeling — and how I feel about things not going the right way — on “paper” will help me put them into perspective and move forwards.

First of all, I’ll say that “failing” is probably the wrong word. I have suffered a temporary setback. It is a temporary setback that has been going on for probably a couple of months at this point, but if we’re looking at the big picture, I’m still a stone lighter than when I started all this. That is Progress, and I shouldn’t put myself down too hard when I have made Progress.

However, my trouble is that I’ve become complacent. My brain has figured that it knows what I’m “supposed” to do in order to keep the weight loss going, and it has led me to assume that it knows best and is able to do the “right” things instinctively.

Well, brain, you cannot do these things instinctively. You have been making a right hash of things of late. But it’s not too late to sort things out. You need to take a moment to reflect why you’re doing this, then recalibrate yourself to follow the Slimming World programme carefully, methodically and fastidiously. No thinking “oh, a quick Meal Deal won’t hurt”. No thinking “ah, one Greggs won’t hurt”. No thinking outright potentially harmful thoughts like “maybe I just won’t eat for most of tomorrow”.

No, brain, instead, you know you have a clear structure within which to work. And that means making an effort to prioritise the foods that Slimming World defines as “free” — for the unfamiliar, this includes not only the usual sort of fruits and vegetables that you’d expect, including potatoes, but also pasta, rice and some grains.

On top of that “free” stuff, you have two “Healthy Extra A” choices, which are carefully measured things in the dairy area, and one “Healthy Extra B” choice, which is fibre-related, and usually takes the form of something like a carefully measured bowl of Shredded Wheat, two slices of wholemeal bread, stuff like that.

And on top of that, you have your “Syns”, which covers everything else. And these are the things that are probably the most important to count. Because while you can technically have anything on Slimming World, it’s important to ensure you’re 100% aware of what you’re putting in your mouth and how much of it you’re putting in your mouth, too. One or two little treats that are a couple of Syns each are fine; a whole “Sharing” bagful is not.

Since the first time I did Slimming World (and had a lot of success with it first time around), they’ve started to place a greater focus on “trigger foods”, and I think that’s something I really need to be mindful of. Trigger foods are the things that “set you off” onto a path that will harm your overall weight loss. In my case, it’s things like getting a big bag of some sort of “treat”, be it sweet or savoury, and telling myself “I’ll just have a bit at a time”. I inevitably do not have a bit at a time and end up eating the whole bag. This is, as I’m sure you can appreciate, a Problem.

Thing is, I am aware of the behaviours I’m exhibiting, and how they’re symptomatic of someone with an addiction. I have seen them in other people who were addicted to things other than food. Trouble is, an addiction to food, which is clearly what I am having to deal with, is not something which is taken anywhere near as seriously as an addiction to alcohol or drugs, but clearly it can be harmful.

And it’s not as if I don’t want to fix myself. I’m fed up of not being able to sleep well because my whole body hurts. I’m fed up of not physically being able to do things because I’m too big. I’m fed up of it being difficult to find clothes that fit. And I’m fed up of still living with this fucking hernia that randomly flares up into excruciating pain on an unpredictable basis, and being unable to get treatment for it because I’m too fat.

Annoyingly, I’ve tried seeking medical help for this, and all I got was a useless “course” where I spoke to someone on Zoom once every two weeks, got no particularly helpful advice that I didn’t know already, was repeatedly asked if I wanted bariatric surgery (I emphatically do not, for a variety of reasons) and made hardly any progress. So I guess it’s up to me.

So brain, you have two options. Give up, which I know you don’t want to do, or start taking this seriously. Start writing down everything you eat, including when you have “too much”. Start measuring those Healthy Extras and counting those Syns. And be fastidious about it. Don’t be afraid to mess up and acknowledge that you messed up; in writing this post in the first place, I’m admitting to myself that I messed up. And don’t be in denial that there is a problem here which needs to be solved.

This evening, it is time to reflect and consider the situation. From first thing tomorrow morning, it’s a clean “break” from the past, and a new beginning. Let’s get this done.

#oneaday Day 39: Breaking Point

Had a bit of a meltdown earlier. Thankfully, I managed to direct it inwards rather than at anyone else, and I successfully channelled its energy into tidying some of the shit up around the house. So that’s something, at least. Now I just feel kind of drained and empty.

I’d been building to something like this for a while, and I suspect I’m not out of this particular funk just yet, but heading along to Slimming World this evening and discovering I’d put a bunch of weight back on was just my mind’s breaking point. I was upset and angry at myself, more than anything, because I know that weight gain was entirely deserved — I’ve not been focusing on the things I’ve been eating as much as I should be if I want to see results, and I’ve gotten away with doing so for probably more weeks than I should have.

A situation like this is a good opportunity for a change, but the frustrating thing is that when such a thing occurs, I find myself wishing that I could correct the mistake immediately. But it doesn’t work like that; undoing bad habits takes time and effort, and you don’t necessarily see results right away. The important thing is to acknowledge that you fucked up, be at peace with the fact you fucked up, and then take steps to ensure that you do not fuck up again for at least a little while.

So I stopped at the shops on the way home and got some healthy eats that will see me through the next few days. We’re in a bit of an awkward position food-wise right now in that Andie is suffering some sort of mouth malady (likely an abscess under a root canal she had done a while back) and can’t really eat much. That means I’m generally having to sort shit out for myself, and if anyone has ever attempted to feed themselves well as an individual person, you’ll know that most things tend to be sold on the assumption that you are cooking for two.

That means you inevitably end up with too much stuff, which either means cooking too much stuff and having leftovers — not the end of the world — or using half the ingredients and risking the other half going off. I think we’ve all been successfully conditioned to (rightly) recognise that food waste is a bit of a sin, so I always feel a bit bad when I have to chuck stuff out, but it always feels a bit… constricting when you know you’re either going to be eating the same thing two days in a row, or having to come up with something creative to do with the other ingredients you have in the fridge.

Anyway, long story short: this upset in our normal routine has kind of disrupted me making an effort to watch what I eat. To be fair, I was already kind of falling off the wagon a bit before Andie’s troubles happened, but the situation just sort of compounded itself. But I know that is silly, so the stuff I picked up earlier should last a few days at least, and be suitable for individual portions or making an easy big batch of stuff that I can portion out and have the remainder as leftovers as required.

You may think I’m overthinking this and I probably am, but that is the nature of my autistic brain and its thought processes. I am now doing my best to not sit here stewing being pissed off at myself, so I think some well-earned video games are probably in order.

#oneaday Day 18: Attempting to Reset

I put half a pound on this week. This is not, in the grand scheme of things, a huge amount of weight, but I am a little disappointed and not at all surprised. I have not been particularly rigorous about taking care to be sensible with what I eat, and that somewhat laissez-faire attitude is being reflected in a lack of positive results.

All you can do in this situation, though, is hold up your hands, admit you made a mistake (or a few) and try to right the ship from hereon. What has already happened can’t be changed; what’s important is what you do next and what you learn from that mistake.

I’ve already started taking positive steps with the exercise. I made it out of the door and to the pool for a decent length swim this morning, after what was a surprisingly good night’s sleep. I woke up a lot of times, but every time it was because I was convinced it was 7am and time to get up, only to get the very pleasant surprise when I looked at my bedside clock and discovered that “time to get up” was still several hours away.

What I need to do is focus on some of the things that Slimming World talks about in the sessions, rather than just nodding along. Probably the key thing I need to focus on is “triggers” — in the slimming sense, these are the things that aren’t the greatest for you which you eat then immediately want more of. They are one of the biggest barriers to weight loss, because they are the things that are most likely to send you catastrophically “off plan”.

In many respects it’s like an addiction. I have some experience of dealing with people who have struggled through addiction to substances more harmful than food — thankfully, those addictions appear to be in the past for the people concerned — but I recognise some of the same behaviours in myself when I “lapse”. A desire to make myself “feel better” through the thing that is the source of a lot of my troubles; an inability to stop once I’ve started that “self-medication” process; the mental association between feeling like I “deserve” something that is bad for me for [insert justification here].

Part of my trouble is not having what I think of as “safety nets” in place — and the fact I’m somewhat inclined to think negatively of those safety nets. My immediate reaction to seemingly obvious advice like “don’t eat a bag of sweets, have a piece of fruit instead” is that this is an absolutely laughable statement, even though I know fruit can be perfectly satisfying and even delicious. I need to get out of that mindset — and to have those pieces of fruit readily to hand so I can start making positive associations with them.

There are countless other examples, but there are days when it just all feels like work. And it is work; work with tangible benefits over the long term. It’s those long-term benefits I need to keep my focus on, because it’s short-term factors — i.e. the way I’m feeling right now — that is causing me difficulties.

I don’t need advice or anything. I know what I need to do, and putting it down on “paper” will likely go at least a little way towards fixing some of those things a bit further forward in my mind. I know I can do this — I’ve done it once before — so I just have to knuckle down and actually do it.

For now, though, bed. Without biscuits.

#oneaday Day 2: Taking Stock

So I said yesterday I’d come on to my present situation and what got me thinking that starting this nonsense up again might be helpful. It might as well be today, as that acts as a good introduction to what will come afterwards, as well and perhaps a means for those of you who are stopping by for the first time to get a better idea of who I am, what I do and why I’m typing this at all.

As I type this, I am 43 years old and, for the most part, broadly satisfied with my life situation. I am happily married to a wonderful wife, I have two delightful cats and I am gainfully employed in a field I actually have some enthusiasm for. I’m not what I’d call especially “wealthy”, but I make enough each month to both get by and to be able to indulge my interests. Nothing to really complain about as such.

And yet I can’t honestly say that I’m happy. Part of this is down to the depression and anxiety I have been suffering… well, probably since always, in retrospect, but which I’ve definitely been actually conscious of since my 20s. Part of this is down to the current state of the world in general, which just seems to be inexorably sliding towards self-inflicted oblivion in more ways than one. And part of this is down to specific things that occur on a day-to-day basis, which can have a fairly major impact on the way I’m feeling.

Yesterday, during a conversation over dinner, one of our assembled group of friends posed the question “when was the last time you felt joy?” — and it proved to be a bit of a stumper for several of us. One of our number — the one who, and I mean this with no disrespect to him whatsoever, is probably the most “privileged” among us due to the combination of his upbringing, the hard work he put in to get to the position he is in now and said position that he is in now — is routinely fairly cheerful about most things, so he had no problem in pinning down some recent examples, but he also noted that there are plenty of stressors and difficulties in his own life, and there had even been occasions that had brought him to tears.

The rest of us didn’t feel so positive, to varying degrees. A common thread of frustration and upset was how the world is today. Bombarded by advertisements, annoyed at the lies and misinformation routinely spread online, concerned about the yet-to-be-seen long-term consequences of innovations such as social media, we all found ourselves feeling somewhat despondent about certainly the near future, with the far future having some fairly severe question marks hovering above it.

And yes. There is a lot about today’s world that I do not like. There is a lot about it that I do not like that I am not in a position to do anything about, either, which is doubly frustrating. But there are some things, closer to home, that I probably can do something about.

For starters, one of my biggest frustrations about “the world” in general is that it doesn’t feel like it’s built for me. This stems from a combination of factors, including the social anxiety I feel as a result of both my depression and anxiety and the underlying autism spectrum condition of Asperger’s syndrome, and also physical factors such as my weight.

My weight is probably one of the things that upsets and annoys me the most, because I know it’s entirely self-inflicted, but I also know that it’s a symptom of other factors.

I’ve always had a bit of a problem with my weight, but since the COVID lockdowns of 2020 or so, it’s been particularly bad. I got bigger than I ever have been before, and I was already at a size where certain activities were completely inaccessible to me. Couple this with the fact that I have a hernia which the doctors won’t treat until I lose some weight — which itself causes physical pain and discomfort on a fairly regular basis — and you can hopefully understand where I’m coming from when I say that I physically feel uncomfortable in a lot of situations in today’s world.

My weight problems can be tied to my mental health, because I know that I often use food as “self-medication”, to use the clinical term. I get depressed, upset or angry about something, and I reach for something tasty to “make me feel better”. I recognise that this is a problem; I even recognise the behavioural patterns as being alarmingly similar to someone with a substance addiction — without going into details, I have some experience of helping someone who went through such a scenario and thankfully made it out of the other side, though not without leaving me with some lasting trauma that I suspect will never go away. But that doesn’t always help me in doing something about it.

The old cliché is that the first step in solving a problem is acknowledging it exists, though, and I’m already a few steps along that road. As you can see above, I recognise the problem, and I’ve sought support for it — specifically in the form of Slimming World, an organisation with which I lost a lot of weight nearly 10 years ago. So far it has been going reasonably well — though I had a bit of a setback last week and am expecting another this week — but it’s hard work.

The trouble is with the concept of “normal”. In confronting personal problems like this, one of the biggest difficulties is in acknowledging that you are not “normal” by societal definitions, and that means you are going to have to do some things a little differently, perhaps for a long time or even permanently. On some days it is easier to make my peace with this than others. When I am in a position where I can mostly be in control of things and have some support standing by when I need it, I can generally muddle through without making too many mistakes.

But I do make mistakes, and confronting those, acknowledging them and dealing with the consequences is something I struggle with. If I deviate from a “plan” or even a “hope” that I have for myself, I beat myself up about it a lot. It upsets me and frustrates me and I become afraid. I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of — or perhaps it’s not just one thing. Sometimes it might be being afraid to face those who are trying to help me, like I’ve let them down somehow. Sometimes it might be being afraid of my mistake having irreversible consequences. Sometimes it’s just plain, simple fear, with no real source; it’s just there.

All of the above doesn’t just apply to attempting to bring my weight under control; it’s something I struggle with in daily life. If I make a mistake at work, it can utterly ruin my day, even if no-one else thinks anything more of it after the initial acknowledgement of the issue. If I make a mistake in a social interaction with someone, I’ll play it over and over in my head, wishing that I’d done something differently. If I make a mistake in something I’m supposed to be doing “long term” — like losing weight — I can easily feel a huge hit to my motivation and wondering why and if I should bother.

All this might sound a bit bleak and, I’m not going to lie, it is. Despite being in a life situation that is more than satisfactory, as noted above, I am still struggling right now. Every day is a battle against myself; some mornings I even feel afraid to get up. That’s not something one should be feeling.

Perhaps talking about this stuff, even if it’s just to myself, will help matters somewhat. That is at least part of the intention of resurrecting #oneaday. It’s helped me before, so I suspect it may be able to help me again. And in the meantime, I’m thankful that I do have the support I do when I need it.

Acknowledging When You Need Help, or At Least When You Need to Change

I’m going to share some stuff today that I’m a bit uncomfortable about sharing, but attempting to deal with it in private hasn’t been going so well, so I’m hoping that making things a bit more “public” might help me somehow.

I’m not sure how yet — perhaps simply making people aware of what I’m dealing with might make me feel a bit better about it, or perhaps I need some sort of support. Exactly what form that support might take, I have no idea, but… anyway, enough preamble, let me just get into it before I talk myself out of sharing this.

As those who have known me for a while will know, I have struggled for a long time with my weight. It has been on a steadily upward spiral for pretty much my entire adult life and, barring an extremely successful stint with Slimming World a few years back, I have had great difficulty shedding weight and keeping it off. This has been a particular problem during the COVID years, since just general activity was pretty much a no-go for quite some time.

This is a fairly significant problem, not just for the obvious reasons, but also because I have been suffering with an extremely painful hernia for the past few years — and the doctors refuse to do anything about it unless I lose some weight, because apparently if I get it fixed in the state I’m in right now, it’s very likely to just come back. It doesn’t help, of course, that I am terrified of hospitals in general and surgery especially, but I’m kind of sort of coming to terms with the fact that at some point it will be necessary to confront that. But not yet.

This is extremely difficult and embarrassing to admit, but I hope that sharing it might help some people to understand why I find some things a bit of a struggle — things that “normal” folks would likely take in their stride on a daily basis. Things like, say, walking down to the shops in a group at lunchtime to get a sandwich; I just can’t keep up with people.

I entirely accept that the situation I’m in is my own fault, but that doesn’t make it any less embarrassing. If anything, it makes it more embarrassing.

I currently weigh over 28 stone. I do not like admitting this because it’s utterly shameful, but I’m putting it out there just so you understand where I’m coming from.

This is obviously extremely unhealthy and I am perfectly aware of that. It disgusts me to see myself in the mirror. None of my clothes fit properly. And any time someone in the street insults me for my weight (which has happened rather more often than I’d like) I have a hard time accepting that they’re being unreasonable and unpleasant; part of me feels like I “deserve” the abuse.

I am taking measures to attempt to reduce that — specifically, my wife Andie and I are following the WeightWatchers (or “WW” as they prefer to call it now) plan. This means that we track our food intake daily according to various items’ “points” values and, in doing so, both learn to think about what we’re putting in our mouth and control what we’re eating.

Trouble is, of late we (and particularly I) have been struggling with motivation to such a degree that it’s tough to make it through a whole week staying “on plan”. WW has a certain amount of flexibility built into it in that you can earn points “back” by eating vegetables and doing exercise, but that doesn’t exactly cancel out a day when you eat way too much of the things you shouldn’t be eating.

My trouble is, I have what I’d probably describe as an addiction, having been in a position to care for and be with people who have had other types of addiction. My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs, though; it’s to food.

Food is my coping mechanism. If I’m sad, I want to eat. If I’m anxious, I want to eat. And when I want to eat, I don’t want to “grab a handful of salad” or “enjoy this healthy treat packed with veggies” — I want chocolate, cake, bread, crisps, sugary drinks, that sort of thing. And I often find the urge to eat those things completely irresistible — even if we have none of them in the house. Living near a Tesco Express will do that to you.

Unfortunately, this leads to something of a vicious cycle. I am sad and anxious and angry because of my weight. Because I’m sad and anxious and angry, I eat, which makes my weight problem worse. I feel guilty about screwing my own body up, which makes me feel sad and anxious and angry, which… you get the idea. It is unhealthy coping mechanisms and an unhealthy relationship with food that has got me into this position, but I am having a real tough time breaking out of it.

The reason why I’m feeling particularly anxious about it right now is because in combination with the symptoms of “long COVID”, I feel a complete wreck on a daily basis. All my joints ache. It hurts to sit down for too long. It hurts to stand up for too long. If I lie on my side for too long in the night, the knee on the bottom ends up in excruciating pain for a few minutes. I’m perpetually tired, and no amount of sleep seems to fix that.

I know very well that fixing all this is going to be a long and slow process — but that it is possible. The one light at the far-off end of an extremely long tunnel is that I know I’ve had success with this before. I’ve never felt so good in my adult life as when I was successful at Slimming World — but unfortunately a variety of both personal and professional stresses caused me to well and truly fall off the wagon, putting me in a worse situation than I’ve ever been in my life.

I don’t want to hurt any more. I don’t want to be sad any more. And I don’t want to die before my time. I don’t really know if or how anyone reading this is able to help, but I just want to put it out there that I could do with some help — even if it’s simply a bit of consideration and understanding for the situation I’m in, and the knowledge that there are people out there not judging me negatively and harshly for ending up in such a horrible (albeit self-inflicted) situation, but who will be there to support and encourage me as I attempt to rescue myself from it.

Thanks for your time.

2206: Accentuate the Positive

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I’m feeling utterly shitty at the moment, but it doesn’t do to keep dwelling on things that, at this specific moment in time, I can do nothing about. Best to try and focus on some more positive aspects of life — which I can at least be thankful there are a couple of, albeit not that many right now.

It was Slimming World this evening, and not only did I drop 4.5lb this week — successfully shifting the bit I gained last week and then some — but Andie and I were voted “Couple of the Year” by the group for being an inspiration to others. (Andie wasn’t actually present at the meeting as she’s not well and currently asleep at the time of writing, but the thought was there.)

My weight loss efforts with Slimming World have continued to surprise and, dare I say it, delight me. While the instances of me really, really craving something like a cinnamon bun seem to have increased a little recently — I blame the stress, since I always turned to food as a means of making myself feel better — on the whole I still don’t really feel like I’m particularly missing out on anything. I’ve learned to like sugar-free/diet drinks (although Diet Coke is still shit; Diet Pepsi for life) and not to drink milk by the gallon; I’ve learned to control my bread intake; I’ve learned ways it’s possible to enjoy favourite foods without making them enormously calorific and fatty.

And, over the course of the last year — almost to the day — I’ve lost over 6 stone in weight, which is like, a whole kid’s worth of weight. A stone is actually pretty heavy; our previous group consultant used to bring in various sandbags weighing a pound, half a stone, a stone and so forth so we could physically feel how much weight we were carrying around or losing, and lifting up the “stone” one was rather enlightening; when I think that I’ve lost six of those, I think several things: firstly, I’m not surprised I was feeling exhausted when doing something as simple as walking up stairs, and secondly, wow, that is a lot of weight.

I’m still not quite where I want to be — and I suspect I’m going to have to do some sort of “toning” work when I am at the weight I want to reach to prevent having too many unsightly flappy bits — but I can, at least, point to my weight loss efforts as one single thing in my life that is actually going in the direction I want it to go in. I can only hope that more positivity will eventually radiate out from there. Eventually. Maybe.

2101: Things I Couldn’t Do

I lost another three and a half pounds this week, bringing my total weight loss since the very end of January this year to five stone and six pounds — nearly five and a half stone. I may not be the sort of person who is particularly good at showing genuine-seeming excitement when speaking in person, but believe me, I’m pretty much ecstatic about this — though I have no intention of stopping here, as the initial “target” I set is still a little way off.

Back when I decided to start losing weight with Slimming World at the end of January, I was just under 23 stone. That is, quite obviously, Too Heavy. I’d always been aware I was overweight — particularly when arseholes in the street would make some off-colour fat joke in my direction — but towards the start of the year, I’d started to become somewhat conscious that more than just being roly-poly and jolly, things might actually have started becoming a bit of a problem.

I could tell this in a number of ways. Firstly and most obviously was the fact that I was terrified to know my actual weight. I wouldn’t get on scales, I wouldn’t even contemplate it. I just knew that I was too heavy, and I wouldn’t tell anyone even what I thought I weighed. The most difficult part of attending my first Slimming World meeting was knowing that I’d find out exactly how much I weighed — and, to be perfectly honest, it was actually a little worse than I thought it was, since I’d silently estimated myself around the 20 stone mark for a while.

Secondly, I was extremely uncomfortable all the time. The chairs I sat in at the job I was working at at the time felt like they were too small for me, but I stubbornly refused to order a “special chair” like the one provided for the resident fat bloke in our department — who was considerably larger than me, even — because that felt humiliating. I was terrified of the prospect of going abroad ever again, because I didn’t want to be one of the people who had to ask for a seat belt extension — that felt like it would be humiliating too. And I was still carrying around painful memories of the time Andie took me to Alton Towers for what should have been a really nice weekend — and was, for the most part — but which had at least part of it that felt utterly mortifying.

Thirdly, and somewhat related to the Alton Towers story, there were things that I felt like I simply couldn’t do any more. I didn’t go along to a significant part of a close friend’s stag weekend because it involved doing stuff at Go Ape and riding Segways, and a bit of research beforehand indicated that I would probably be too heavy for both of those things. So instead I just joined the group for the evening’s activities. I didn’t feel like I could climb a ladder because I was scared it would break; I didn’t feel I could even do basic do-it-yourself around the house that involved using a stepladder because there was a prominent notice on it indicating a maximum recommended weight that was significantly below what I actually weighed; I didn’t feel safe standing on anything that was off the ground, in fact, even if it was quite obviously designed to hold up things considerably heavier than one miserable, overweight thirtysomething.

In short, I was utterly miserable, and I knew it was my own fault for not taking better care of myself. I’d eat crap day in, day out, kidding myself that I wasn’t having much junk, just an occasional treat; I’d deal with emotional episodes by eating because I felt like I “deserved” something nice; sometimes I’d just eat because I was bored, and I felt like eating something sweet might relieve that boredom.

I knew all these things before I started Slimming World. What I wasn’t prepared for was how surprisingly easy it ended up being to change those habits — and what an immediate impact it would have on both my physical and mental wellbeing. I lost eight pounds in my first week on the programme, and have seen fairly consistent losses (albeit somewhat smaller ones!) ever since. I feel happier and more confident in myself; I don’t feel ashamed when I see myself in the mirror any more — sometimes I actually quite like what I see, as narcissistic as that might sound — and while I’m still uneasy to do some things such as climbing ladders, I know that even if I’m still not quite 100% at a stage where I can live life “normally”, I am on the right track and that I will get there eventually, at least so far as my physical wellbeing goes. My mental health is, of course, another matter, but that’s a whole other set of things to deal with that I’m not sure how to even start tackling just yet.

I’ve found myself thinking about the future a bit since seeing my progress. Not in a particularly grand way or anything — just thinking about the things that I wouldn’t have been able to do at the start of this year (such as those mentioned above) that I would be able to now. Andie and I are having a belated “honeymoon” at Center Parcs at the very end of November, for example, and I know that everything about that holiday is going to be much more comfortable and enjoyable for me than the last time we went. (Not that I didn’t enjoy last time, mind you; it was just physically exhausting to lug myself around.)

And I feel like it would be something of a symbolic “victory” for me if, once I reach my target (or perhaps even go beyond it if I feel like I want to go further), I return to Alton Towers and comfortably hop onto all the rides that I simply wasn’t able to physically fit onto the last time I went. I don’t feel I’m quite ready for that just yet, but it won’t be that long now if I carry on at the rate I’m going. And that’s a good feeling; there are many things in life that it’s impossible to “take back”, but thankfully the mistakes I’ve made with my body and my habits don’t appear to be counted in that category.

2080: Five Stones

I’ve finally crossed a significant milestone in my weight loss journey: I’ve now lost over five stone in total, a loss that also coincides with me dropping into a new stone bracket that represents the lowest weight I can remember being for a long time. I still want to — need to? — lose at least a couple more stone from here, but I’ve come a long way and I’m genuinely happy with what I’ve accomplished so far.

For those who have come to my blog more recently, I started Slimming World back in February of this year having decided that enough was enough, and that I really needed to lose some weight. This wasn’t just a vanity thing; my weight had gotten to the point where I was physically uncomfortable. I was having trouble fitting into “normal”-sized chairs; I was encountering situations and pieces of equipment that I was too heavy to use — I had to skip out on part of a friend’s stag night because they were doing some activities that I was significantly overweight for; and many of my clothes didn’t fit any more.

More than anything, I was miserable. I suffer with depression anyway, but my weight problem was making things worse by having a physical effect on me. I was perpetually out of breath; I couldn’t get comfortable in a chair or in bed; it was difficult and embarrassing to wear clothes that I knew once fit me. I felt physically repulsed when I saw my body in the mirror, I felt ashamed when I saw my stomach hanging down out of the bottom of a T-shirt I was wearing, and, to be perfectly frank, I was horrified that I couldn’t see my knob when I looked down.

I had been aware of my weight problem gradually getting worse over the course of the last few years — probably at least the last ten years or so, if I’m perfectly honest — but every time I had tried to do anything about it previously, I had failed to have a significant impact. I’d tried dieting of various kinds — Atkins left me with a perpetual headache, and Slim-Fast was like eating wood chippings — as well as intensive exercise routines, and nothing had seemed to shift the weight at all. It was demoralising and upsetting; I didn’t know what to do. I considered trying to be one of those people who is happy about being fat — or at least, someone who accepts that they’re fat — but I couldn’t do it. I was too ashamed of myself.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that Slimming World has changed my life for the better. I first came to it because my wife’s sister had had a considerable amount of success with it. Skeptical, I went along to a meeting, found out about their “food optimising” methods — a surprisingly flexible, enjoyable plan that doesn’t really restrict you so much as make you think about making sensible choices — and stuck carefully to it. I lost a big chunk of weight in the first week, and have been losing weight pretty consistently ever since; with only two or three exceptions since February, I’ve lost at least a pound pretty much every week, and I certainly don’t feel like I’m starving myself or anything, just being careful about what I put in my mouth.

Changing the way I think about food isn’t the only way it’s changed my life for the better, though. I’m more positive about myself and feel like I have more self-esteem as a result. I would still describe my sense of self as “somewhat fragile” if pressed, of course, but I no longer repulse myself when I see my reflection, which is progress. Now, when I see my body, I can think “yes, that’s going well, but there’s still a way to go” rather than “ugh, that’s disgusting, who would ever want to look at that?”

Since that February, I’ve had a difficult time. I was ousted from the job I had back when I started under circumstances that, on reflection, actually feel somewhat “traumatic”, for want of a better word — I keep remembering my last day, and how horrible those bastards made me feel; it stops me from sleeping quite often — but my progress with my weight loss has helped keep me sane even as I struggle to scrape together some meaningful work and income to survive into the future. And I don’t think the importance of that should be underestimated; feeling like one thing is going right in your life helps you to believe that other things can eventually go right, too — you just might have to work at it a bit.

Five stone, then. That’s a hell of a lot. Our previous Slimming World consultant used to bring in these little sandbags that weighed a pound, half a stone, a stone and so on; a stone is actually pretty heavy, and I was carrying five more of those around with me all day every day back in February. No wonder I was knackered and uncomfortable all the time. I hope I never get back into that situation — and I don’t think I will, either.