I drive relatively normally. That is, I’m inclined to go a bit faster than you’re supposed to on motorways, but I generally keep to the speed limit in built up areas. My pulse quickens when I see a policeman, and I get out of the way when there’s any kind of blue flashing lights nearby. I don’t drive like an old man who consistently drives 8mph below the national speed limit, but neither do I drive like a boy racer (largely due to the fact the car I drive is incapable of acting like a boy racer’s car).

Tonight on a long journey, I encountered possibly the biggest asshole I’ve ever had the misfortune to share a piece of road with. I was driving along a stretch of dual carriageway and was in the right hand lane as I’d just overtaken a truck that was going about 40mph.

Screaming up behind me came some git with his headlamps on full beam going at least 90, probably more. He obviously wasn’t going to stop so I had to get out of his way quickly. I flashed my lights at him in disapproval as he passed, which prompted him to pull over into the lane in front of me and start driving at the speed limit. I didn’t have a problem with this and didn’t see any need to overtake him again, as he was obviously driving like a bell-end.

He obviously wanted me to try and overtake him again, though, as he pulled out into the right-hand lane and slowed down to let me pass on the “wrong” side. I did so as I saw no sense in playing his stupid games. He promptly pulled in behind me and put his headlamps on full again. After a few minutes, he gave up and just settled in behind me.

I’m not entirely sure what he was trying to prove or achieve, but whatever it was he didn’t succeed in anything other than making himself look like a complete cunt. Perhaps he thought that driving in such a “daredevil” manner made his penis sprout an extra few inches. Perhaps he had someone in the car with him that he was trying to impress. Perhaps he really thought he had more of a right to be on the road than me.

Either way, he was a complete and utter cheesy knob-end and I hope he skids off the road into a ditch somewhere. Not so he dies, but so that his precious car is wrecked and he is uninjured, so that he has to pay a ridiculous amount of money and have to deal with The Lords of All Cuntishness, insurance brokers.

Yes. That would be nice. Sadly, he probably won’t end up in a ditch and right now he’s probably harassing some other poor motorist having to drive out late for whatever reason.

But he’s still a festering bellend.