Tag: trousers

#oneaday Day 639: Unnecessary Injuries

Have you been injured in an accident that wasn’t your fault? Then call Injury Lawye– wait, no, that’s not what I was getting at.

Have you ever hurt yourself on something that really shouldn’t hurt you? It’s an infuriating experience. Today I injured my thumb on my trousers.

Yes, really.

Let me explain. I have a pair of cheap-ass jeans from Primark (I know, I know, child labour, but cheap. I couldn’t afford to be ethical while I was unemployed) that are fine for most things, but one of the rivety things or whatever they’re called that holds the pockets in place is coming off a little bit, meaning there’s a bit of a sharp edge upon which it’s very easy to nick oneself. Normally I remember it’s there, but as I was sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee this morning I caught myself good and proper on the thumb, ripping off an impressively sizeable chunk of skin and causing it to bleed profusely.

This would have been infuriating enough had I done it in private, but of course I was in public at the time, meaning that any number of people could have witnessed me sitting at a table with clearly nothing around me that could have possibly injured my finger, yet there I was clasping a bloody napkin to it and wincing.

The only thing slightly more embarrassing than injuring yourself on something as innocuous as a pair of trousers is injuring yourself (in public, naturally) on absolutely nothing at all — the “I Just Tripped Over My Own Feet” scenario. There are few ways to deal with this that leave you with any dignity remaining — whether you choose to simply take the fall and hope that a kind passer by helps you up, assuming that you’re some sort of invalid, or to stumble and break into a slow run as if you always intended to lurch forwards in the way that you did, everyone around you will know that you tripped over absolutely nothing at all and are, therefore, a Bit of a Spaz.

Should you find yourself injuring yourself on a pair of trousers or tripping over absolutely nothing at all (bar your own feet) then there’s likely very little that Injury Lawyers 4 U (“We’re real lawyers!“) can do for you. Unless you’re planning on suing yourself for being such a damn clumsy twat. And that, as I’m sure you’re aware, would be an ultimately self-defeating exercise. Literally.

You could always hope that someone was there with a video camera hoping to make a quick buck from You’ve Been Framed, of course. If you spot yourself on the TV, then be sure to claim likeness rights. You’ll be in the money. Maybe.

#oneaday, Day 338: English-American Dictionary

In honour of my being in America, I thought I would clarify some of the strange words that I use in order that we might understand one another a little better. I’m also away from a Mac with Comic Life Magiq installed, so our friends in the panels above might look a little different for the next couple of days thanks to the idiosyncracies of Windows Paint and the Windows version of Comic Life.

But anyway. Here we go. In no particular order:

  • Chips: French fries.
  • French Fries: A brand of chips that look like fries.
  • Crisps: Chips.
  • Jam: Jelly. Also, a line of traffic.
  • Jelly: Jell-O or equivalent.
  • Queue: Difficult to spell. Also, a line of people and/or cars.
  • Herb: A word with an “H” at the beginning.
  • Erb: A little-used verbal non-fluency feature.
  • Aluminium: The correct way to spell “Aluminum”.
  • Wanker: A person who masturbates. Also a synonym for “asshole”, when used in reference to a person who is an asshole, not an actual asshole.
  • Wankered: Drunk.
  • Arse: Ass.
  • Ass: Donkey and/or mule.
  • Rat-arsed: Drunk.
  • Trousers: Pants.
  • Pants: (n.) underpants or (adj.) not very good.
  • Trousered: Drunk.
  • Fucking: Verbal punctuation.
  • Fucked: Drunk. Also, screwed over. Sometimes at the same time.
  • Bollocks: (n.) testicles or when used as the object of a sentence, nonsense, clearly a lie. “The things Mat Murray said on his blog were bollocks.”
  • The dog’s bollocks: Really good. “Mat Murray’s blog is the dog’s bollocks.”
  • Itchy scrot: Venereal disease.
  • Scruttocks: Compound word, meaning unclear. Component words suggest that it might refer to the perineum. More often used as a mild, non-offensive expletive.
  • Fanny: Vagina. Also, to mess around: “to fanny about”.
  • Faff: See “fanny”, but remove the vagina reference.
  • Bum: Butt.
  • Tramp: Bum.
  • Slag: Tramp.
  • Bumming: Engaging in anal sex.
  • Poof: A homosexual male.
  • Pouffe: A footstool.
  • Sod: Multi-purpose mild profanity. Can be used as a noun or a verb. (“Sod off, you sod”)
  • Bugger: See “sod”. Also, to engage in anal sex.
  • Buggered: Broken or messed up. Also, to have been the recipient of anal sex.
  • Shag: To have sex with. Also, carpet.
  • S: a letter we use instead of “Z”.
  • Zed: Zee.
  • U: a letter we use after the letter “o” for no particular reason.

Clearly British English is a ridiculous language. The sheer number of synonyms we have for being drunk should probably tell you everything you need to know about our culture.

Still, you know what? I’m a big fan of our stupid words. There are few words more satisfying to mutter under your breath than “bollocks” when something goes wrong. And calling someone a “bloody bastard stupid buggering bugger-head” (or similar) if they have infuriated you is similarly satisfying.

Also, the number of alternative meanings for many of these words can lead to a wide variety of entertaining double-entendres and ambiguities. The cast of the Carry On series of films made an entire career out of this little language trick, after all.

So there you have it. I hope all you Americans out there feel suitably enlightened about the best way to use the English language now. I shall expect you to all be talking the Queen’s English the next time I hear from you.

Because of course, the Queen is always banging on about how rat-arsed she’s going to get before shagging her husband and throwing him out on his arse. In fact, that’s all her Christmas speech normally consists of. It’s actually quite embarrassing.