Andie reckoned I wouldn’t write a blog post about poo. So here I am proving her wrong.

The word “poo” is one of those ones that never fails to make me smile in a childish manner. It’s not a scientific word in the slightest, and it’s right up there with “wee” in the childish stakes — only, for whatever reason, talking about poo tends to be more of a taboo than talking about wee. I’m not sure why this is — but it just is.

Americans, in my experience, tend to use the word “poop” more than “poo”. I recall an episode of Friends where the word “poo” came up quite a bit and it just sounded odd coming out of Matthew Perry’s mouth. The word “poo”, not actual poo.

The act of pooing is, of course, both unpleasant for others to witness and immensely satisfying for the person doing it. As a gross generalisation (in every sense of the word “gross”) gentlemen appear to enjoy a good poo rather more than the ladies, though there are, of course, exceptions. For the most part, though, gentlemen are certainly more prone to spending a great deal more time pooing than the ladies.

There are doubtless a variety of reasons for this, possibly the fact that being alone in the bathroom with your pants around your ankles is one of the only times that you’re truly alone and can sit there with your thoughts. It’s probably not a coincidence that Rodin’s famous statue The Thinker is sat in a distinctly pooing-like position. After all, what better time is there to get all the shit (no pun intended) together in your head than a time when you really can’t be disturbed by other people? Exactly. Best to enter the bathroom with your thoughts for company.

Or, indeed, an iPhone and a copy of Bejeweled Blitz.

I sometimes wonder if iPhone game designers did their playtesting on the toilet, because the very best iPhone games are friendly to toilet-play sessions. Bejeweled Blitz, for example, takes place in one minute chunks, if you’ll pardon the expression. A level of Angry Birds takes probably less than a minute to get through. And titles like 100 Rogues are easy to stop at any time when you, you know, stop.

So let’s praise the act of pooing. Without it, it’s entirely possible many of the great inventions of our time wouldn’t have come to be. Life’s great thinkers doubtless came up with their various theories of life, the universe and everything while pinching off a loaf. And surely many’s the author struck with a wave of inspiration while dropping the kids off at the pool.

Pooing, then: don’t be ashamed. Be proud of your poos and what you accomplish during them, even if it’s just another ridiculous high score in Bejeweled Blitz. Because seriously, the alternative is just staring at a blank wall, which is just no fun at all.

Poo!

(Enough.)