In honour of my being in America, I thought I would clarify some of the strange words that I use in order that we might understand one another a little better. I’m also away from a Mac with Comic Life Magiq installed, so our friends in the panels above might look a little different for the next couple of days thanks to the idiosyncracies of Windows Paint and the Windows version of Comic Life.

But anyway. Here we go. In no particular order:

• Chips: French fries.
• French Fries: A brand of chips that look like fries.
• Crisps: Chips.
• Jam: Jelly. Also, a line of traffic.
• Jelly: Jell-O or equivalent.
• Queue: Difficult to spell. Also, a line of people and/or cars.
• Herb: A word with an “H” at the beginning.
• Erb: A little-used verbal non-fluency feature.
• Aluminium: The correct way to spell “Aluminum”.
• Wanker: A person who masturbates. Also a synonym for “asshole”, when used in reference to a person who is an asshole, not an actual asshole.
• Wankered: Drunk.
• Arse: Ass.
• Ass: Donkey and/or mule.
• Rat-arsed: Drunk.
• Trousers: Pants.
• Pants: (n.) underpants or (adj.) not very good.
• Trousered: Drunk.
• Fucking: Verbal punctuation.
• Fucked: Drunk. Also, screwed over. Sometimes at the same time.
• Bollocks: (n.) testicles or when used as the object of a sentence, nonsense, clearly a lie. “The things Mat Murray said on his blog were bollocks.”
• The dog’s bollocks: Really good. “Mat Murray’s blog is the dog’s bollocks.”
• Itchy scrot: Venereal disease.
• Scruttocks: Compound word, meaning unclear. Component words suggest that it might refer to the perineum. More often used as a mild, non-offensive expletive.
• Fanny: Vagina. Also, to mess around: “to fanny about”.
• Faff: See “fanny”, but remove the vagina reference.
• Bum: Butt.
• Tramp: Bum.
• Slag: Tramp.
• Bumming: Engaging in anal sex.
• Poof: A homosexual male.
• Pouffe: A footstool.
• Sod: Multi-purpose mild profanity. Can be used as a noun or a verb. (“Sod off, you sod”)
• Bugger: See “sod”. Also, to engage in anal sex.
• Buggered: Broken or messed up. Also, to have been the recipient of anal sex.
• Shag: To have sex with. Also, carpet.
• S: a letter we use instead of “Z”.
• Zed: Zee.
• U: a letter we use after the letter “o” for no particular reason.

Clearly British English is a ridiculous language. The sheer number of synonyms we have for being drunk should probably tell you everything you need to know about our culture.

Still, you know what? I’m a big fan of our stupid words. There are few words more satisfying to mutter under your breath than “bollocks” when something goes wrong. And calling someone a “bloody bastard stupid buggering bugger-head” (or similar) if they have infuriated you is similarly satisfying.

Also, the number of alternative meanings for many of these words can lead to a wide variety of entertaining double-entendres and ambiguities. The cast of the Carry On series of films made an entire career out of this little language trick, after all.

So there you have it. I hope all you Americans out there feel suitably enlightened about the best way to use the English language now. I shall expect you to all be talking the Queen’s English the next time I hear from you.

Because of course, the Queen is always banging on about how rat-arsed she’s going to get before shagging her husband and throwing him out on his arse. In fact, that’s all her Christmas speech normally consists of. It’s actually quite embarrassing.