2451: GTA Online: Simultaneously Amazing and Shit

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There are few things in this world that are simultaneously quite as amazing and quite as shit as Rockstar’s Grand Theft Auto Online.

Every few months, I boot it up to see what’s been added, and there’s always been some pretty significant new content bolted on for free since I last tried. I get excited to try it, maybe even actually get to try it… and then before long I remember why I’m not playing Grand Theft Auto Online all day every day.

The most recent additions to the game — or new to me, anyway — are the Stunt races and the Motorcycle Clubs. The former provides a series of TrackMania-esque building blocks for track designers to construct physically improbable/impossible tracks using the game world as a backdrop, while the latter offers a new means of progression for small groups of up to eight players.

I haven’t yet raised enough money to purchase a hideout for a Motorcycle Club yet, which is why I was doing the Stunt Races — conveniently, there’s a trigger point for one right outside my in-game apartment. And I’ve been having an absolute blast participating in these races, which make the best of Grand Theft Auto’s exaggerated vehicle physics with lots of jumps, switchbacks, corkscrews and all manner of other funtimes — plus, of course, the inevitable playing dirty that tends to come with the territory.

This was all absolutely great until the “host” of the session either went away from their keyboard or crashed, leaving their game logged in but not responding. Not only did this mean that we had to wait a long time between every event because the host wasn’t there to manually press the “start event” button, but it also meant that at the end of one session in particular, everyone was left stuck as the results screen with no means of leaving the event or quitting back to the free-roaming mode short of completely quitting the game altogether then logging back in again. And with Grand Theft Auto V’s astronomical initial load time, this is not a particularly appealing prospect.

I’ve run into this problem before, and I’m surprised it hasn’t been fixed. Actually, no I’m not, because Grand Theft Auto Online is still missing a variety of features that a lot of other online games have had for a very long time.

Chief among the missing features is a “party” system whereby you and other players can form a group that sticks together, regardless of whether you’re doing events or free-roam stuff. The game does keep people from the same event together if they vote to continue on to a new map, but if anyone chooses to exit to free-roam mode, they’re immediately separated from all of the people they were just playing with.

Couple this with the fact that setting up a “friends only” game is a faff and a half, involving booting up Grand Theft Auto V’s single-player game, then entering Grand Theft Auto Online from there — there’s no means of starting a “friends only” session once you’re already in Grand Theft Auto Online — and you have an online experience that is a real mess, particularly if you want to play with friends. And for those who think what I just described isn’t a particular faff, you obviously haven’t endured GTAV’s load times.

It’s kind of baffling how these features simply haven’t been added to the game since it was launched, because I can’t be the only one keenly feeling their absence. And it’s frustrating, because the activities on offer in Grand Theft Auto Online are many, varied and a whole lot of fun. It’s just such a monumental pain to get it working properly that I often give up out of sheer exasperation rather than wanting to stick with it.

GTA Online should be an absolute masterpiece. And it has the potential to be just that. But short of a fundamental revamp of how the whole online functionality works, it’s doomed to remain an admirably fun and varied, yet ultimately frustrating and irritating experience that, for my money at least, often ends up feeling like more trouble than it’s worth.

2353: Be a Better Sportsman, Online or On the Field

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One thing that I don’t think school P.E. lessons focused on enough was good sportsmanship. The people who were good at sports did well and enjoyed themselves; the people who were bad at sports (like me) got picked last for teams and put in places where they didn’t have to do much, like goalkeeping. (Which always seemed a bit weird to me, given that the goalkeeper is the last line of defense in a football match and consequently should probably be quite good at protecting the goal. I was not.)

The upshot of this unfortunate tendency was the reinforcement of these positions: the people who were good at sports continued to be good at sports and grew to expect everyone on their team to be on their level and would sometimes even become abusive towards those who they perceived to be not pulling their weight; the people who were bad at sports grew increasingly bitter and resentful of games that, while competitive, should be fun.

Bad sportsmanship hurts everyone. It means the good players don’t get to nurture up and coming talent, help people improve and introduce new players to the activity they love, making them more likely to be able to get a good game. And it means the less skilled players feel ostracised and like they will never have an opportunity to learn more about something they might actually be quite interested in.

It’s unfortunate that this happens in online games, too. I don’t play a lot of competitive multiplayer games, but I can comment on it a bit with regard to Blizzard’s new title Overwatch, whose ranked competitive mode launched late last night.

For the most part, the Overwatch community actually seems pretty good; the game is a team game with variable character skills and statistics, so everyone needs to cooperate to achieve a common goal. If you don’t, you lose; it’s pretty simple. Unfortunately, there are players out there who seem to believe that if they just make unhelpful comments and call the rest of their team “noobs” that they somehow have the moral high ground and are justified in complaining and whining.

The trouble, I think, is that this particular type of player doesn’t like to lose. It’s more than that, even: this particular type of player thinks that they have a right to win every game they play. Whether this is due to overconfidence in their own abilities, a misplaced sense of entitlement or having grown up in the obnoxious “everyone’s a winner!” culture of many educational establishments these days, I don’t know, but it’s not a helpful way to be.

A competitive, two-team game by its very nature has a winner and a loser. Every time. You cannot rely on always being the winner — more than anything, that would make the game itself pretty pointless if the outcome was already known before you started. And being on the losing side doesn’t make that game a bad experience, either; some of the most interesting, exciting Overwatch matches I’ve had to date have come when I’ve lost, but it’s been close. And in those matches where it wasn’t close, I can usually learn something from the experience. You take it on the chin, you try again, you get better — perhaps you even help out people you were playing with that you know could do something differently.

What you don’t do is rage and piss and moan at the rest of your team (or worse, just say “………”, which is pretty much the least helpful thing you can possibly say — literally saying nothing is more helpful than that) because that sure as hell isn’t going to make them want to play with you again.

And what you absolutely shouldn’t do is go off in a strop because you’re not absolutely dominating the other team, which is what happened to me in one game I played earlier today. Said player decided he had the “perfect” way to play and wanted everyone to fall into line with him, regardless of where his teammates skills’ and expertise lay. The match was pretty even — our opponents scored 2 points on offense, then we scored 2 points on offense, then our opponents scored another 1 point on their final round of offense, meaning we still had the potential to win, or at least draw and push the match into Sudden Death… and Salty McSaltyson decided that no, he wasn’t going to stand for having to actually put in some work to winning, he would, instead, leave the match altogether, leaving us down a team member and thereby at a significant disadvantage. Shortly afterwards, another player left in frustration, putting us two people down and therefore completely unable to be competitive at all. The rest of us, to our credit, carried on playing until the “you can leave without penalty when this timer expires” timer expired, but then it fell apart, leaving our team with a loss that could have been avoided. It was a shame, since it had been a great match up until then; our opponents were gracious and apologetic about it, so at least it wasn’t a completely negative experience, but still.

That one player being a twat spoiled the match for eleven other people. I doubt he even thought about that when he clicked “leave game” and accepted the penalty the game gives you for leaving Competitive games early — but it really did spoil the whole match which, like I say, could have gone either way in that last round.

Be a better sportsman. Accept that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. And if you think you’re better than other people — you might well be! — how about actually offering them some advice and help to get better rather than just being a dickhead? Everyone benefits in the long term.

2328: Play of the Game

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I’m really enjoying Overwatch. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I think it’s the first competitive multiplayer game that I’ve actually wanted to “git gud” at enough to be truly competitive in the online sphere. I don’t know if I actually have the skills or the talent to be able to do that, of course, but I’ve been performing reasonably well in the current “Quick Play” mode — effectively a “pre-season” warm-up — and getting a good feel for characters. So much so that when the proper Ranked Play mode makes an appearance in the near future, I feel confident stepping in and attempting to prove my worth.

Overwatch is also helping me to understand the appeal of e-sports. I’m still not entirely sure I would ever want to sit and watch a game of Dota 2 or something (as opposed to actually getting stuck in and playing it) but, playing Overwatch, I certainly feel something while I’m playing. It’s particularly thrilling to claw back victory from the very jaws of defeat, and all of Overwatch’s various game modes are well constructed to always make this a distinct possibility, meaning it’s pretty rare to feel like you’re being completely dominated unless your team is particularly incompetent.

It’s quite entertaining to see the varying reactions of people you play against. Competitive gaming culture has, for the most part, instilled the impulse to type “gg” (Good Game) after a match has concluded — the online equivalent of a friendly handshake after a sports match — and more often than not you’ll see this shorthand pleasantry being exchanged once the victor has been decided. (It’s occasionally accompanied by “wp”, which means “Well Played”).

But there are some people out there who don’t like losing. Some people like the guy who responded “no” to my “gg” after one match because he lost, and he didn’t like losing. People like the guy who, in all caps, told his entire team to uninstall the game and that they were a “useless fucking team” after losing; he didn’t like losing, either. And people like the guy who judged everyone on which character they picked, with sniper Widowmaker obviously being “for noobs”.

Then, of course, there was the Chuckle Brothers my friend James and I encountered earlier, who starting sniping at each other in chat during the match and gradually escalated to threats to “wreck” each other. I may have prodded the fire a bit, but it was too hilarious not to troll a little bit; by the end of the match they’d both made themselves look like complete douchebags to the other participants, and one in particular (who was on the opposing team, who lost against me and my comrades) seemed to think that the fact he’d killed my character several times somehow made him superior than me and the rest of my team.

Me, I don’t mind if I win or lose, because games of Overwatch are good fun, and the game is balanced well enough that I’ve only had one or two matches that I felt were completely imbalanced, and that was largely because the opposing side was using unconventional tactics that none of us knew how to counter. (Six Torbjorns is a force to be reckoned with… until you figure out Roadhog and Pharah.) It’s a competitive game, after all, so by its very nature there has to be a winner and a loser in each and every match. If you want to win more, you practice and get better, just like anything — just like real sports. There’s no sense getting angry and throwing a tantrum over it, because, more likely than not, that’s just going to alienate you and make you less likely to be able to put a coherent team together — and coherent teams with good communication will always perform better at this sort of game.

I’m very interested to see how Blizzard plans to implement the ranked system into Overwatch; while I’ve never played Starcraft 2, I understand its online ranking system is pretty comprehensive and gives you a good idea of where you stand in relation to the rest of the community, so I’m expecting something similar here. I’m also expecting the game to have a good, long lifespan; Blizzard has a good track record of continuing to support its games over time — particularly those with multiplayer components — and with Overwatch proving as popular as it apparently has been so far (the amount of fan art out there already is insane!) I think we’ll be seeing Overwatch tournaments and leagues for a good few years yet. And, for the first time, I want to be part of them.

2305: Fighting Talk

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I spent a bit of time playing some Dead or Alive 5 Last Round online with a friend from Final Fantasy XIV earlier. (Hi, Neon!) I’ve never really played a fighting game online before — it’s a genre that has something of a reputation as being brutally unforgiving to newcomers, and with good reason, since the fighting game genre is one that attracts significant numbers of people good enough to actually get paid to play these games.

Thankfully, my friend Neon appears to be of a roughly equal level of skill to me, since we had a series of matches and we both came out roughly equal in terms of victories and losses.

So far in Dead or Alive 5 I’d been focusing on the Training mode, attempting to learn some combos and moves for characters I liked the look of, because I’d love to get past the “button mashing” phase that everyone goes through when they first pick up a fighting game. As such, I was a bit hesitant to even jump into the story mode, because I didn’t feel like I knew any characters well enough. But I thought I’d give fighting another person a go — and I’m glad I did.

Fighting Neon gave me a potent reminder of exactly why I’ve always liked the Dead or Alive series in preference to perhaps more established, popular fare like Capcom’s Street Fighter series. It’s kind of hard to describe the exact feeling, but I think it’s best described as the game feels instinctive, almost primal. You can spend hours learning the specific button combinations to pull off specific moves at the right time — and doubtless the really good players do that — but at a fairly rudimentary level, which is where I’d generously put myself, the fighting system works in such a way that you can look at what’s going on on the screen, push directions and attack buttons and have something that “feels” right unfold in front of you. Opponent blocking high blows? Get in there with some low kicks. Taunting you? Charge in and tackle them with a running throw. Knocking you off balance with a flurry of blows? Block, block, block dammit, oh for fuck’s sake. (I never have quite mastered blocking in fighting games; given how important and helpful — and tied to the series’ iconic countering system — it is in Dead or Alive, I should probably do something about that.)

I haven’t yet picked a “main” to play with. I will almost certainly end up going with Kasumi, at least initially, because Kasumi is hot and I vaguely know some of her effective moves. Today I also particularly enjoyed playing as Hitomi (who appears to have wonderful reach with her kicks) and Momiji (though I haven’t done any training with her yet, so I was taking wild stabs at her moves). I also discovered that, as I previously thought, I want to steer clear of slower, heavy-hitting characters, because I very obviously don’t know how to handle them effectively and tend to get my ass handed to me if I try and fight with them in the same way as the Kasumis and company of the world.

My few games today were an eye-opening experience, then. I’m definitely up for playing some more; if you, too, suck at fighting games and would like a punching bag to play with, feel free to hit me up on PSN under the ID Angry_Jedi.

2279: Matchmaking: A Great Way to Waste Time

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I downloaded the Doom beta on PS4 earlier out of curiosity. I hadn’t heard particularly positive things about it — though admittedly, this was mostly from disgruntled PC players who were whining about the lack of mod support and how it was “obviously built for consoles” — but as someone who actually used to really like Doom, I was interested to take a look.

I booted up Doom, fiddled around in the options a bit, took note of the entertaining options to weather, dirty up and scuff your armour in character customisation — not to mention painting it lurid shades of pink and purple — and then jumped into the multiplayer playlist.

Then, I waited.

And waited some more.

And then a bit more.

Well, okay, this perhaps makes it sound a bit longer than it actually was: it was probably less than five minutes in total, all told. But that was five minutes utterly wasted in which I wasn’t doing anything apart from staring at the screen and perhaps rotating my character model a bit.

My mind was cast back to a comment someone I follow on Twitter made a while back, whose sentiment was along the lines of “rather than wasting your time with endless, pointless matchmaking games, throw yourself into enjoying games with stories; games with clear beginnings, middles and ends”. At the time, I thought it a slightly extreme viewpoint, since I have enjoyed multiplayer matchmaking games in the past, but on reflection, he was absolutely right: for me, right now, matchmaking multiplayer games are a total waste of time and energy for what I find to be a subpar, unsatisfying experience compared to something that is either a bit more structured or something that has immediacy.

Doom isn’t the only game where I’ve encountered the tedium of waiting for matchmaking queues. Playing a damage-dealing class on Final Fantasy XIV often leads to long queues for dungeons — although at least in that game, you can do other stuff in the open world while queueing, though there are a few limitations on your activities to prevent your queue popping and you being unavailable. Grand Theft Auto Online is particularly unpleasant to try and find a matchmaking session in, since it’s riddled with people who pop into a lobby, then quit out again after five seconds if it’s not already full. And I’m sure there are plenty of other examples, too.

So, I think I’ve had enough. I’ve felt a slight temptation to check out things like Doom and even the more recent Call of Duty games in the recent past, but on reflection, I feel they’ll only frustrate me: time spent “waiting for players…” is time not spent enjoying a story in a single-player game, or trying to beat a high score in an arcade game, or chasing trophies in a game I’ve reached the post-game for.

This isn’t to say I’m not going to play multiplayer at all, mind you: TrackMania Turbo has an excellent multiplayer where you can just jump in and out of player-made rooms at will, with no waiting around for there to be “enough” people to play. And I have a lot of fun playing Grand Theft Auto Online with my local friends. Those represent two different ways of having a fun online experience without getting matchmaking systems involved.

Strangers who are beyond that great wall of matchmaking, then? Fuck ’em; I’ve got better things to do than wait for them to show up to my party.

1434: Free Company

The Internet is by turns a strange and wonderful place, filled with all manner of people from fair to foul. Wander inadvertently into the wrong corner of it and you’ll find yourself surrounded by some of the very worst people in the world; somewhere else and you’ll find people who will go on to become lifelong friends.

Online gaming is somewhat troublesome in this regard at times, particularly for those of us who struggle somewhat in social situations. The prospect of talking to strangers in an online game is, to me, pretty much as frightening as the prospect of walking up to a random stranger in a bar — particularly if voice chat is involved. With text chat, it’s somewhat easier since you have more time to consider your responses, but the inability to express your tone of voice can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, and it’s still nerve-wracking to, say, ask a favour of someone.

This is something that’s held me back a little from fully enjoying some online games, because sooner or later you’re going to have to play with people you don’t know personally. Your friends won’t always be available to play with you, or you might need more help than your friendship groups can provide, or you might be playing a game mode where you’re organised into teams. Whatever the reason, it can be anxiety-inducing.

In the case of MMOs, you have to put your virtual life in the hands of strangers quite often, whether it’s for running a dungeon, beating a boss or getting a piece of equipment crafted. It’s easy to forget that a lot of people playing these games are in a similar situation where they need help from others to progress, and thus it’s in their interests to be nice to one another.

There are, of course, exceptions. The team-based e-sports games Dota 2 and League of Legends have notoriously “toxic” (the word that’s most commonly bandied about) communities that are somewhat unforgiving of newcomers attempting to learn the game “in the wild,” as it were. MMOs, too, have elitist players who are quick to complain at those whom they do not think are playing the game “properly”, and players who are impatient with newcomers just trying to have fun and learn how to get through some of the tougher dungeons and fights.

I get it. It’s frustrating for these people, who want to play in a particular way, to find themselves having to change their play style to support someone who’s perhaps less familiar with a particular challenge. But there’s really no excuse for rudeness.

That's me in the big black coat in the background. — That’s me in the big black coat in the background.

I’ve been extremely lucky with my time in Final Fantasy XIV so far. While most of my runs through dungeons and boss fights have been with friends, the few times I’ve dared to jump into the Duty Finder alone and be grouped up with strangers have been very pleasant surprises. Pick-up groups (or PUGs, as they’re sometimes called) have a rather poor reputation in most MMOs, and indeed in Final Fantasy XIV’s case most people seem to have at least one tragically amusing Duty Finder story where they played with someone who was just a colossal dickhead. I’m glad to have escaped that fate to date — but it also makes me extremely nervous about “going solo”, as it were: in other words, braving things like the new Duty Roulette system, which picks a random dungeon for you and three other random players to play in exchange for some very generous rewards, and indeed other group-based content I need to complete in order to proceed further in the game.

Which brings me on to my main point: how grateful I am to have a group of regular players whom I enjoy playing with, and whom I like. I’m a member of the “Giant Bomb” Free Company after being invited by someone I know through some combination of 1up, Twitter, The Squadron of Shame and possibly some other places — I forget the exact details — and am very happy that what I originally hoped would transpire when I started playing Final Fantasy XIV — that I’d make some friends with whom I felt comfortable playing — has indeed come to pass.

The interesting thing is that I don’t really know anything about the people I’m playing with, so they’re basically still “strangers” to me — just strangers I’m somewhat more familiar with. I’m not an active member of the community on the Giant Bomb website, so outside of my friend who originally invited me in the first place, I can’t relate any of these in-game names to real names or even usernames.

It sort of doesn’t matter, though; when we’re online in FFXIV, we’re there to play FFXIV. There’s the occasional mention of real-life things — usually when someone has to go and make dinner, or go out, or whatever — but for the most part, conversation in the game is about the game. We’re all enthusiastic and passionate about the game, and we all enjoy talking about it, whether that’s sharing our thoughts on the new content in the latest patch, sharing strategies for clearing dungeons, or collaborating on group projects such as the Free Company house and the various weird and wonderful objects therein.

I’m really very grateful to these people for making my experience with the game so enjoyable and welcoming, and the pleasant feeling of friendship and camaraderie I have with these folks is the main thing that keeps me coming back to the game time after time. Final Fantasy XIV is a great game in its own right, but when played with the right people, it becomes even more enjoyable — even for an old hermit like me.

1322: Online Gamers Aren’t Always Jerks

People who play games online are always dickwads, right?

Wrong. For starters, if you’ve ever taken that attitude, it’s entirely possible that you aren’t a dickwad yourself and just simply find the prospect of coming face to face with a dickwad distasteful — and thus it stands to reason that there are probably other people out there like you. (You may also take that attitude because you’re a dickwad yourself, and use it as an excuse to behave like a dickwad. If that is the case, I’d encourage you to take a good, long, hard look at yourself, and perhaps indulge in some self-flagellation until you see the error of your ways.)

Anyway, I have a specific story that happened today — one that filled me with a pleasant amount of hope. It was only a little event in the grand scheme of things, but it was one where I felt happy after it had transpired.

A little context, first: Final Fantasy XIV allows you to play cooperatively with other players in one of two ways: either forming a party with them manually, or by letting a mechanic called the Duty Finder match you up with people who are looking to complete the same challenges. The advantage of the former option is that you can get together with people you know, or at least people on the same server with whom you’ll be able to communicate with afterwards. The advantage of the latter option is that it allows you to play with the entire player base of the game, rather than just the 5,000 (maximum concurrent players at the time of writing) present on your specific server. Both approaches have drawbacks, though: in the former case, it can often be difficult to find people who are available at the same time who want to do the same thing; in the latter case, you’re usually paired up with complete strangers, with all the inherent risks that carries.

Earlier today, I took on one of Final Fantasy XIV’s dungeons with a party of random people found through the Duty Finder. Things were going reasonably well to begin with — though I would have preferred that the tank mark targets to help mages like me know what order to set fire to things — but after a while I started to notice one of the players behaving a little strangely.

Her in-game name was “Amelia,” and she was a black mage like me. She’d obviously run the dungeon before, as she was regularly charging ahead well before the rest of us had got our bearings — sometimes even causing enemies to start attacking before we were ready. Partway through the dungeon, I could see her continually running off in the opposite direction to us, only to come running back when the tank started the next combat. I could tell she was getting frustrated, but she wasn’t saying anything for some reason. So, once the next combat had finished, I spoke up.

“Amelia,” I typed. “If there’s something you’d like to show us, please say something rather than just charging off by yourself. Thanks!”

I gritted my teeth and was prepared for a barrage of abuse. A lot of online players don’t like being told how to play the game and get very defensive if someone criticises them. I was all set for “Amelia” to start yelling at me, or even to quit the party in a huff. It wouldn’t be the first time I had seen something happen.

What happened next surprised me.

“Yeah,” she replied. “I was just thinking that myself.”

The rest of the party stopped — the tank hesitated before pulling in the next group of enemies — and I could feel virtual eyes on me.

“Communication helps,” I typed. “Is there some treasure down there or something?” I asked, referring to her continual attempts to run off to the south.

“Yes,” she replied quickly. “There’s two chests down there.”

“Okay,” I typed. “Let’s go get those before we go any further then.”

After that, we followed Amelia’s lead and, sure enough, found our way to some extra enemies and some treasure chests. I was sure to thank her for her help, and when it came to time to fight the boss at the end of the dungeon, she volunteered some helpful information that ensured we were able to take it down without too much difficulty.

Ultimately, a bit of communication helped rescue a party that was at serious risk of falling apart. I’m not-so-secretly quite proud of the fact that I was the one to initiate communication and help hold things together — and I was very pleasantly surprised to discover “Amelia” was receptive to the things I was saying, and apparently knew she wasn’t handling things as well as she could have done.

So wherever you are now, “Amelia,” thanks. And I hope we get the chance to play together again soon.

#oneaday, Day 46: 5 Facebook Games that Aren’t Shit

It’s fair to say that, as a general rule, Facebook games are pretty, well, shit. For the most part, they’re cynical, money-grabbing exercises designed only for bored soccer moms and office drones to while away the hours performing virtual meaningless tasks instead of real-life meaningless tasks. What’s worse is the fact that the real-life meaningless tasks are still there once you’ve clicked on every single field in FarmVille 300 times.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. There are a few developers out there who are starting to produce games which have some actual substance to them, even if almost every single one of them insists on including an utterly meaningless, pointless experience point/levelling system. Memo to Facebook game developers: you don’t “need” that to be competitive. Make a game that’s addictive and fun and people will come back of their own volition. You don’t need some arbitrary, meaningless, substanceless “reward” to keep people dangling on your Fish-Hook of +5 Monetization. So stop it.

Anyway. Here’s 5 Facebook games that aren’t shit.

Bejeweled Blitz

The grand-daddy of Facebook Games that Aren’t Shit is surely PopCap’s minute-long masterpiece. Featuring the match-three gameplay of Bejeweled condensed into a frantic, hectic minute of scoring points that is, to be honest, more luck-based than anything else, Blitz is great fun and enormously competitive thanks to the weekly-resetting friend leaderboards. Even better, the mobile versions also work with the Facebook scoreboards, allowing you to challenge friends on the go. Go play!

Zuma Blitz

See above, only you’re playing Zuma instead. You’re still matching groups of three or more colours together, only this time you’re trying not to let them drop down a big hole. Frantic and arguably more skill-based than Bejeweled, this is another good choice for daytime timewasting. Go play!

Asteroids Online

This game combines the structure of obnoxious gameplay-free experiences like Mafia Wars and actually adds some gameplay to it. Offering a wide variety of missions and some surprisingly impressive (for a web game, anyway) polygonal graphics, this is a good, challenging choice for anyone who grew up with the old Atari classics. Go play!

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

A fun, educational detective game particularly suitable for younger players. You can use it as a means of testing your geographical knowledge and deductive reasoning, or you can cheat (a bit) and using Google/Wikipedia to help you work things out. Either way, it’s a lot of fun, even if it does have a completely pointless levelling system that I really, genuinely can’t see any reason for whatsoever. Go play!

Robot Unicorn Attack

One of the quintessential two-button platformers out there, Robot Unicorn Attack is always a pleasure to play, largely because of its soundtrack. Now it’s approximately seven thousand times as competitive thanks to Bejeweled-style friend leaderboards. Pity the iPhone version doesn’t sync with these, however. Go play!

Dishonorable Mention: Scrabble

Fuck Facebook Scrabble. Why? Facebook should be the perfect platform for asynchronous wordplay. Well, two reasons: firstly, dumb copyright issues meaning that there are separate Facebook apps for the US/Canada and the rest of the world, meaning that if you have any friends in North America and you yourself are not in North America, you can’t play them. And secondly, the non-American version features some of the most obnoxious, annoying, obtrusive pre-game advertising I’ve ever had the misfortune to see. Stick to Words with Friends on your smartphone. It’s now available for Android, you know.

Honorable Mention: Word Scramble

Basically Boggle, this is a genuinely fun and competitive word game that would be much better if it actually told you when it was your turn. There’s also a decent iPhone version of the game which sadly doesn’t appear to sync with the Facebook version. Go play!