1732: The Overnighter

Just got back from an incredibly long day at work — effectively two days at work for the price of one, thanks to some overnight working as well as my normal shift. Consequently, I’m utterly knackered, so you’ll forgive any incoherence and/or typos, I hope. (I do get tomorrow off, at least; I intend to do a lot of sleeping after I have finished typing this.)

I don’t mind pulling late/all-nighters generally, because it allows me to indulge in one of my stranger pleasures: being in places that are normally full of people when they are deserted.

It’s something that’s always fascinated me, ever since I was a youngling and often got the opportunity to stay late at school to do various music activities. School concert night was always a particular highlight; not only did I tend to enjoy the concert itself, but there was something… I don’t know, almost romantic about the atmosphere around the school campus when it was all but deserted aside from a few people.

In fact, I’ve always enjoyed the night generally. When out walking in the darkness, there’s always the slight lingering fear that behind the next bush might be a knife-wielding maniac, of course, but for the most part I love the atmosphere of night-time: the peace and quiet; the way the air feels somehow different — probably because it’s not being churned up and polluted by hundreds of cars; the way everything feels like it’s going slightly faster than normal; the way bad weather, particularly snow, makes you feel like the place you’re in is a private little world.

It’s the peace and quiet part that gets me the most, I think, because it allows you to really drink in what is going on around you. You can listen to your footsteps as you walk; listen to your breathing; hear the birds start to sing to signal the beginning of the “morning” process (at least if you stay up as late as I have tonight); try to work out what the noises in the distance might be. Any sound near you feels almost infinitely louder, and hearing someone talking always feels like you’re intruding on a private moment. (Perhaps you are.)

It’s the contrast, too; I love comparing how a deserted place in the dead of night compares to how I know it is in the daytime. By day, it might be bustling hub of activity, with the constant noise of human interaction all around at all times. By night, it might be totally silent; you might be the only person there. There’s a sense of being in the unknown; of being somewhere “forbidden”, even if you have every right to be wherever you are.

In fact, were it possible to live one’s life in a more nocturnal manner, I think I’d happily do so. Judging by my drive back from work tonight, it would certainly save on traffic frustrations, if nothing else!

#oneaday Day 612: Good Night

I love the night. Some may argue that this is proof that I’m a vampire (though a sparkly one rather than a “catch fire in sunlight” one, given my ability to go outside in the daytime) but I simply explain it away as being a time when you can truly enjoy the world in a way that it’s easy to forget about — peacefully.

Going outside at night-time is a pleasant experience (assuming you remembered your keys) because it somehow feels “forbidden”. It’s not, of course — though naturally anyone who happened to be looking out of their window at the time might be wondering exactly why you’re wandering around aimlessly in the dead of night if you’re not Up To No Good –but to some extent, lingering feelings of childhood enter your mind, reminding you that you’re “supposed” to be in bed, but instead, you’re out in the darkness and cool air of the night.

It’s a good time to think, too. Whether this is because your brain has had enough of daytime thoughts (such as what you’re going to cook for dinner, whether you’ve paid the council tax and wondering whether you left the oven on) and just wants to indulge in flights of fancy is an unknown. But the night-time is the time to think about things, to be creative and to let your imagination run wild.

This doesn’t always work to your advantage, of course. Having something weighing heavily on your mind and then allowing your brain to get into that curiously imaginative late-night state will often get you into a relentless cycle of negative thoughts, at times even preventing you from sleeping. But what you need to remember in this situation is that if your brain is feeling imaginative enough to think about what might happen if you don’t send that Really Important Letter tomorrow, then it can imagine something stronger, too.

When I was younger, I used to try and influence my dreams by lying in bed with my eyes closed, imagining the opening for some sort of narrative in which I was the star. It would inevitably end up being some sort of heroic fantasy (not necessarily of the “swords and orcs” variety) in which I fantasised about a particular person and how I would interact with them if I had the opportunity to rescue them from the depths of an underground tunnel network/a spaceship/a civilisation that lived inside a tree/a world made of strawberry mousse. I’m not sure if imagining these narratives ever successfully influenced my dreams — everyone reading this is likely aware that their unconscious mind is capable of coming up with far more bizarre material than your waking mind can — but it was always fun to try. I’m not sure at what age it became more difficult to do that, but it’s certainly a lot more challenging to maintain concentration on a specific fantasy now when trying to get to sleep. Perhaps this isn’t necessarily a side-effect of age, but more other factors such as mental state, a greater number of additional considerations over and above what you had when you were a child, or simply that your concentration span is shot for whatever reason.

Despite good intentions, I somehow always end up writing these posts in the dead of night — sometimes later than others. The vast majority of any creative writing I’ve done over the years, too, has often been composed during the midnight hours. And for a while last year when everything was going tits-up, I found friendship on the other side of the world in the dead of night. (The latter ended up fucking up my body clock beyond all recognition for a considerable period of time, however, so more practical solutions have had to be found.)

This rambling load of old nonsense may have had a point somewhere along the way, but it’s escaping me somewhat right now. I’ll just say it’s the fact that “the night is awesome” and leave it at that — before bidding you, of course, a very good night.

#oneaday, Day 268: Through the Night

I took my first steps into the night. Coming from the brightness I’d left behind me, the inky blackness looked impenetrable, a solid wall of darkness into which I’d vanish, never to be heard from ever again, were I to take one step further forward.

I took a step forward, and I did not vanish. The light was still behind me but my eyes were gradually adjusting, focusing, bringing that which was hidden into view again.

I took out the small torch and lit it, the small pool of light it cast spilling onto the floor, concentric circles of light and shadow. There’s always a way through even the blackest darkness if you have even just a little light.

I stepped forward again, and again, and began walking into the darkness. I didn’t know where my feet were taking me save into the black of the night. But I was moving forward, ever onward, like it was the thing to do. It was important. This was all that mattered right now. I walked, sweeping the dim light of the torch in front of me and watching ill-defined shapes pass as the light caught them and I walked past.

“Run,” whispered a voice in my ear, and I obeyed. I quickened my pace, still holding the torch, still sweeping it around, not knowing where I was headed or where I would end up. But I was running. The ground was hard under my feet, the regular thump-thump-thump of my steps mingling with the quickening of my heart in a chorus of drums that only I was witness to.

The darkness closed in around me, and the pool of light showed me that I was surrounded by shadows, but they did not feel threatening. Rather, they encased me, enclosed me, kept me safe. And still I ran, ever forward. The hard ground gave way beneath my feet to loose stones and finally soft mud. I felt the occasional splash of a puddle, but I was already past it, ever moving onwards. Still moving, still pushing forwards. But to where?

A scent filled my nostrils, a natural smell; the smell of the woods, of trees and leaves. It infused my being with a sense of peace. Out here there was nothing to fear, nothing to hide from, nothing to run from. But still I ran, with a sense of purpose that became ever more urgent.

In the distance, a pinpoint of light. As I drew closer, it flickered, its warm glow drawing my eyes away from the dark and towards what I now knew to be my destination. Closer still, and I could see the gentle flames; a source of comfort, warmth and safety, a place to rest a while.

As I entered the clearing I felt the warmth of the fire on my face and smelled the sweet smoke. And then she was there too, looking at me, smiling, those eyes gazing deep into my soul.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” she said, taking my hand.

#oneaday, Day 243: Fun Things To Do in the Dark

I like the darkness. It lends further credence to my own theory that I am, in fact, a vampire. I can happily stay awake all night if necessary, find the night-time inherently appealing and drink blood. Actually, I don’t drink blood. Forget that last bit. DOMINATE! There. You’ve forgotten all that vampire talk now, right? Good.

But the darkness is good. It’s an eternal mystery, what lies out there. Even in a room you’re intimately familiar with, sitting there in the dark can put a whole new spin on things. Reach out to where you thought the wall was and grasp nothingness because it’s slightly further away than where you thought it was. Look at the tiny strip of light coming in through the gap in the curtains and wonder where it’s coming from.

And sit and think. This is not always a good thing, as the total absence of other stimuli often causes your brain to start thinking about all the things you’ve been avoiding thinking about. But it’s also an opportunity to sit and dwell on pleasant thoughts, too, assuming negative thoughts aren’t clouding your mind too much.

And if they are, you can always do one of the following things.

Torchlight

I’ve found torches and small lights fascinating since I was a young kid. When Silent Hill 2 came out, by far my favourite thing about it was the way that shadows got cast in the world as you walked around with that tiny flashlight. I’ve often sat and just shone a light around, casting shadows from different angles and looking at the way they move as the light moves around. It’s oddly hypnotic.

Shadow Puppetry

The socially acceptable alternative to the above, which looks a bit weird if you start doing it when other people are present, is shadow puppetry. Shine a light and use various bodily appendages to produce the shapes of all sorts of things. Then, inevitably, make them fight, shag and/or eat each other.

Find Your Way

In the dark? Hungry? Then live life on the edge. See if you can make your way to the fridge without turning on any lights and/or breaking your neck on the stairs. This domestic obstacle course is the ultimate test of how well you know your own house. And you’re rewarded at the other end not only by food, but by light, too. Assuming the light in your fridge works.

Scary Movies and Games

Everyone knows scary things are more scary in the dark. So flip on the TV, shut the curtains, switch off the lights, turn the speakers up loud and whack in a scary DVD or game. If you have a special someone whom you are able to either cling onto, or allow them to cling onto you, now is the time to go get them and enjoy some clingage.

Sit and Stare

Your eyes do weird things in the dark. Even though there’s nothing to look at, the way your eyes work make it feel like you can see things sometimes. Was that a real shadow over there, or are your eyes playing tricks? See how long you can stare into the darkness and see what happens. Particularly good for those who are feeling depressed, as the effort of concentrating hard on literally nothing at all will distract you from those unpleasant thoughts.

All right, those are all a bit lame. But I still like the dark. And I have done all of the above. Recently.

#oneaday, Day 152: After Midnight

What is it about the middle of the night that brings the mind to life so? Whether it is dwelling on the incidents of the day – good or bad – or feverishly expressing some sort of creative muse, the hours after midnight always seem like the perfect time to do this. For me, at least.

Or perhaps it’s not necessarily the hour, but simply that time when your body relaxes and your brain realises it has no pesky motor functions to take care of. In other words, it’s free to think.

Whether or not your brain feels it necessary to sit and think a while depends on what came immediately before, of course. Spend a busy day doing activities that exhaust your body and mind and you’ll probably drop straight to sleep. But have an evening that’s just pleasant and you’ll have some time to reflect on that pleasantness before sleep. Similarly, negative events often monopolise the brain, particularly when it doesnt have anything better to think about.

Perhaps it’s the mind keeping score, a mental totting up of the goods and bads. Awarding of XP. Achievement unlocked. That sort of thing.

Or perhaps I just find it more difficult to get to sleep than some other people and I’m just making this nonsense up to make myself feel better.

Either way, I wish you a very good night.