#oneaday Day 17: Abort, Retry, Fail?

Last night I once again spectacularly failed to get a good night’s sleep. I had trouble getting off to sleep in the first place, then my cat decided to be sick twice in the night — thankfully not on the bedsheets this time, but she managed to coat a significant portion of the bedroom floor in cat vomit. She’s fine, by the way; she just has a bit of a weak stomach and a tendency to wolf her food down. And once again I am grateful that most of our house has laminate floor rather than carpet.

Still, this unfortunately meant that getting out of bed at 7am to go for a swim felt out of the question. My body just refused to get up, and I didn’t think pushing myself on that little sleep would do me any favours, so I slept in a bit longer. I’m having an early night tonight, though, so hopefully tomorrow will come after an uninterrupted sleep. I can hope, anyway.

Aside from that, today was one of those mostly uneventful days where not a lot of note happened. So, what to talk about?

Later this week sees the launch of the Early Access period for Final Fantasy XIV’s new expansion Dawntrail. I’m looking forward to playing this, but I’m also a bit sad that my relationship with Final Fantasy XIV has changed so much since my initial enthusiasm for it. Back when it launched (and indeed before that, when I was playing in open beta) it was a delight to play alongside some people who eventually became close friends, but for various reasons — including my wife and I moving to a European server instead of the North American one we were playing on — I drifted away for quite some time, and it’s been difficult to get back into the same groove I once had.

Part of the reason for this is that I am very conscious that when I was “in the groove” with Final Fantasy XIV, I played it almost to the exclusion of everything else. While that was rewarding in its own way, it was also a little frustrating; I found it difficult to strike that perfect balance between enjoying Final Fantasy XIV often enough to keep the fires of friendship kindled with the people I liked to play alongside, and saying firmly to myself “no, tonight you are doing something else“.

Previously, I’ve attempted to set aside time for Final Fantasy XIV by saying a particular night of the week is “Final Fantasy XIV night” — in fact, I chronicled one such experiment of this sort here. That didn’t really work for me, though, because I’d often find that by the time I got to the evening in question, I didn’t really fancy playing Final Fantasy XIV, so instead ended up doing something else anyway.

Social anxiety has also entered the picture a fair bit. In line with what I talked about yesterday, whereas I was once a pretty confident Final Fantasy XIV player, I no longer feel that way. I feel uneasy about approaching strangers, talking to new people or asking for help. There are a few reasons for this.

Firstly is the fact that the community changed a bit over the course of the original A Realm Reborn run and onwards into Heavensward. We started to get the typical western players’ “efficiency at all cost” mindset taking hold, with people arguing that “the best way to play” was to spend half your time looking at spreadsheets and the other half exploiting the game structure to your own benefit. Not cheating as such, but definitely deliberately making the game less fun in the name of being more “efficient”. I got frustrated with that, and not being into playing that way put me very much in a minority — a minority that I certainly felt wasn’t listened to.

Secondly is just my own overall sense of unease with online interactions these days, which I talked about yesterday. While I once felt entirely comfortable “being myself” while playing Final Fantasy XIV, now I feel a lot more “guarded” and hesitant to initiate interactions. This is almost entirely a “me” problem rather than anything else, and it is something I can probably work on, but it’s a big part of why the game isn’t as fun as it used to be for me.

There are a few things I want to do in an attempt to recapture the past magic, but hopefully without the game taking over my life. In fact, I’ve already taken one major step; I’ve returned to the original server and Free Company (group of players) that I previously played with. I haven’t seen my past friends around as much as I’d like, nor have I had much chance to interact with them, but that’s something I can work on — particularly as I’ve always remained in that Free Company’s Discord server, even when I moved to the European game servers.

What I need to do is regain that confidence I once had. I need to get some practice in at playing and interacting with others — and really, there’s no other way to do that than to just jump back in and do it. So with Dawntrail, I’m going to try and be involved with things a bit more. Ahead of Early Access, I’m attempting to level another type of job (White Mage, a healer) on top of Samurai, the DPS job that took me through Stormblood, Shadowbringers and Endwalker. That way, I can have a bit more flexibility when it comes to group activities.

I have played as a tank in the past — for non-MMO aficionados, the “tank” is the de facto “leader” of a party who stands at the front and lets the monsters hit them while the other party members heal them and stab the monster in the back — but I haven’t quite got my confidence back up to that level. Tank anxiety is a very real thing, because in that quasi-leadership role, you control a lot of things — including if the party as a whole survives encounters.

There are a lot of things I need to work on if I want to recapture the same magic I once felt from this game. And I do want to try and feel some of that again; some of my favourite gaming moments and happiest times with friends were spent particularly throughout A Realm Reborn. I guess it remains to be seen if Dawntrail will feel the same way — or if I will end up playing through the main storyline (which I’m going to do regardless) and then setting the game aside.

We shall see!

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1751: Speaking in Tongues

My Final Fantasy XIV Free Company was afflicted with something that seems to come to all MMORPG guilds at one point or another recently: that which is colloquially referred to as “drama”.

Ultimately, the drama itself wasn’t particularly serious — no-one was hurt and no damage was done, though arguably an ill-thought-out prank by an outgoing member was not the best means of handling the situation — but what I found interesting was the discussions that followed it up.

Essentially, the conclusion that many of us came to is that communication is important. It may sound like a simple piece of advice — common sense, obvious, even — but it’s so easy to forget, even in an inherently social situation like a massively multiplayer online game. In a Free Company the size of ours, it’s inevitable that cliques form, friendships blossom and smaller subgroups start doing things together. That’s the natural way of things, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing at all. That is, until it starts having a negative impact on the group as a whole for whatever reason — perhaps some members see these smaller subgroups as somewhat exclusionary; perhaps the subgroups find it difficult to relate to other people; perhaps everyone could just stand to be a bit more open and honest with one another.

There were a number of contributing factors in this instance that I won’t bore you with now, but suffice to say that a lack of communication was the root cause of the issues we suffered. And, positively, said lack of communication was correctly identified quickly as the root cause of these issues, and people have been making determined efforts to try and make things right. Although the initial “drama” wasn’t particularly pleasant or fun to witness, it turns out it ultimately had a positive impact; people are talking more, cooperating more and doing more things together. Plans have been put in place for more organised cooperation on the more difficult things the game has to offer, and people are just generally being more helpful and pleasant towards one another.

It’s testament to the overall quality of people we have in the Free Company as a whole that the active members — many of whom could be argued to be implicated in the whole exclusivity/lack of communication thing — have taken this stuff happening on the chin, haven’t got angry and upset and have done something positive from it: they’ve learned from it, identified things that we can do better and differently for one another, and ultimately the Free Company will hopefully be a far more pleasant place overall as a result.

Me, I’m mostly just glad it all seems to be over and done with for now. I hate to see friends fighting with one another, or — in this case — just misunderstanding one another. It’s a great pity that the situation led us to lose a few Free Company members who had been with us since the beginning — and people I enjoyed playing with, moreover — but these things happen, and ultimately we’ll be a stronger group as a result.

Now let’s all just enjoy the game!

1255: A Realm Reborn, Redux

I really, really like Final Fantasy XIV.

There, I said it.

It may not be fashionable to like a new (well, rebooted) MMORPG that steadfastly follows the old-school subscription model, but given the alternative is the inherent restrictions and inconveniences of the free-to-play model or the regular badgering to check out the “cash shop” in pay-once-play-forever games, I’ll take a few quid a month on the promise of gradually-evolving content.

I’m not going to rabbit on about the game itself here — I’ve already written two articles over at USgamer on that very subject — but I do want to talk about one thing I’m quite looking forward to: the game’s social aspect.

A touch of context here: I have a pretty wide circle of friends, but unfortunately the vast majority of them are scattered across the globe, from California to Japan and everywhere (well, not everywhere) in between. I get to see the friends I have in the local vicinity every so often and we have a good time, but 1) I don’t necessarily get to hang out with them as often as I’d like — none of us are in our twenties any more — and 2) not all of them are into the same things as me.

One thing I’m looking forward to with Final Fantasy XIV is the opportunity to make new friends. But I have some personal struggles to overcome in order to make that happen.

As longtime followers will know, I suffer from a degree of social anxiety, particularly when confronted with strangers. I worry a lot about what people will think of me, and my low self-esteem and low opinion of my physical appearance causes me to immediately believe people will think the worst of me.

So strong is this issue — and yes, I know I should do something about it; that’s not really the issue here — that I’ve been surprised to discover myself having the same feelings of anxiety when playing online games. I’m actively afraid of voice chat with strangers, for example — a hangover from when I was young and really, really hated the sound of my own voice — and I even find myself hesitant to do what I feel would be “butting in” to online conversations in virtual worlds such as World of Warcraft and Second Life. I haven’t hung out in Second Life for a very long time, but on more than one occasion I behaved in that virtual world’s virtual clubs exactly the same way as I did in real clubs; I’d sit or stand at the side of the room, watching everyone, and wondering what it would be like to talk to that person over there, who I found quite attractive, or that person over there, who was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with a design based on something I found interesting.

Well, I feel like I need to take control of this somewhat. While my issues with interpersonal interactions with strangers in “reality” are a more deep-seated issue that probably requires a degree of professional help (or at least a lot of self-discipline), I can do more about the online thing. I chat with people with no problem on Twitter, for example, and pretty much every means of online communication has some form of “safety net” where you can either “escape” from an uncomfortable situation or “mute” people who are bothering you. Chances are I won’t need to use either of those things, but the knowledge that they’re there is comforting.

So where does Final Fantasy XIV fit into all this, then? Well, once the current phase of the beta test ends and the characters everyone starts playing as become “permanent,” I intend on actually making some new friends. I want to play with other people; I want to enjoy the game together with people who like it as much as I do.

I’ve been hesitant to join “guilds” or equivalents in MMOs in the past because I fear not being able to commit to the regular play schedules that they often require. But the more I think about it, the more I think it might be something worth pursuing. After all, at present, I have no regular “social” event in my weekly calendar; my board gaming nights with my best “real-life” friends are sporadic and irregular, and hanging out with everyone else tends to be a more “spur of the moment” thing. Why shouldn’t playing Final Fantasy XIV be some sort of regular, albeit electronic, social event, in which I can get to know people and hopefully make some good friends? Stranger things have happened.

The reason I’m picking Final Fantasy XIV for this purpose? Because Final Fantasy XI is, out of all the MMOs I’ve tried over the years — and that’s quite a lot — the one in which I found people whom I most enjoyed hanging out with virtually. I have no idea where the delightfully entertaining “Bendix” and “Nefertari” are now, but I do quite often find myself missing them. Obviously having some friends a long time ago in a completely different game is no guarantee that the same thing will happen in Final Fantasy XIV, but it’s as good a starting point as any, I figure. I’ve long since abandoned all hope of getting existing friends to play with me in an MMO, because it’s impossible to coordinate.

It remains to be seen whether this plan is successful once the game enters open beta and rolls ever-onward towards its August launch. But I feel strangely optimistic about this coming opportunity to meet some new virtual people; I can represent myself however I want in the game, with no-one pre-judging anything about me besides my character’s name and their appearance. And since everyone in Final Fantasy land is impossibly attractive in that distinctively “Japanese video game” sort of way, I don’t even really have to worry about that, unless I accidentally call myself Pooface McScruntyflange. Which I probably won’t.

Anyway, in the meantime, rest assured that Final Fantasy XIV is shaping up to be something actually quite special, and I’m really looking forward to getting stuck into the game as a whole for realsies. Enthusiastic blog posts will undoubtedly follow once my “real” character is born.