#oneaday, Day 200: Day 200

And it is with something of a sense of anticlimax that I reach my 200th daily entry on this blog. It’s ten to midnight, I’m sitting in my pants in a stuffy study wondering if I should go and get a glass of milk, play the three Words With Friends games I’ve got on the go at present, stare at Twitter in the hope some revelation might come my way or simply go to bed.

Today didn’t start particularly well, though I managed to get out of bed early for once. Something which I won’t go into right now got me feeling not-particularly-good early on. Downright depressed, in fact. As such, I spent the vast majority of the morning not achieving very much at all. It’s difficult to focus when there’s nothing to really focus on.

That said, the day did improve somewhat later on. I have a second interview for a job I actually want on Tuesday. This is a Good Thing, and brings me on to my next point.

Some time back, I promised that by Day 200 on this blog, I would have made a decision on what I’d be doing. Now, as it happens, said decisions have been pretty much made for me by circumstances beyond my control. But here, for those who give a damn, is what’s happening to me over the next few… I don’t know how long.

I am soon to leave Southampton. In the words of my good buddy Kalam, who just skipped town to live in London and is having mixed feeling about the whole thing, “I’ve got all I can out of this town”. There’s certainly no jobs here that I want to do. If you’re not an accountant, a lawyer or a docker here, there doesn’t appear to be much in the way of work. And I refuse to apply for a job I don’t understand the description for on principle.

I don’t know exactly when I’ll be leaving Southampton. But it will be some time before September 10, which is when the contract on my flat is up and is also, ironically, the birthday of my estranged wife. I will probably be out of here sooner than that, depending on how this interview goes and how soon I’d be able to start at this new position which I’m not going to talk about for fear of jinxing it.

Those of you who are still in Southampton: this town has been a big part of my life ever since I first came here in 1999. Even in the years I didn’t live here, it was still “home”. I have emotional ties and attachments here. And as such, I don’t want to leave it quietly. My time with this town may be coming to an end, but I’m determined that I give myself a proper send-off. So please: if and when I announce I’m doing something to say goodbye, it would mean a hell of a lot to me if as many of you as possible could attend. I know this isn’t “the end” and I’ll doubtless see many of you again. But I’m going to Cambridge, which is a pretty long way away. So I’d like to say a proper goodbye to those I won’t be seeing again for some time. This is a heartfelt request. I’ll try and give as much notice as possible. Keep an eye on Twitter, Facebook and here. And, as arrogant as it sounds, make sure I have a send-off I won’t forget in a hurry.

Beyond this isn’t yet clear. The outcome of Tuesday will impact the details of what happens next. In an ideal world (which I know far too well we don’t live in) I’d get this job, be able to start pretty soon, move back up to Cambridge to stay with my folks for a little while, earn some money, get back on my feet and then the world is my generic clamshell laptop computer.

I have mixed feelings about all this still. The circumstances of everything suck. There’s no changing that. And it’s going to be tough to leave behind this city that’s been home for so long. But at the same time, a new start might just give a fresh outlook on anything. And being back at work will actually be nice. It’s tough to fill the days sometimes, and that’s what can lead to depression and not dealing with things very well.

So in summary: I’m not out of the woods yet. But I’m at least on the path.

Apologies this has been such a melancholy entry for such a milestone in the whole #oneaday project. Let’s hope the next 165 days mark a new beginning. I’m past the halfway point now. Should be smooth sailing downhill from now.

Right?

#oneaday, Day 192: Movin’ On

When is somewhere not “home” any more?

Southampton has been my “home” ever since I went to university there in 1999. Even during the years I lived in Winchester and Aldershot, I still considered Southampton my “home”. But since everything that has happened, I think it’s lost its sheen. Part of this is, I feel, the city’s natural decline which has taken place ever since WestQuay opened slap bang in the middle of the town centre and promptly obliterated the High Street. But another side of it is, as my buddy Kalam said a short while back, having “got all you can” out of the city. It has nothing more to offer. You’ve completed it. 100%. Achievement Unlocked. That sort of thing.

I went to Cambridge today, a place I haven’t been for ages and the place I always say I’m originally from because no-one knows where “Great Gransden” is. I was there for a job interview, which I’m not going to discuss here for fear of jinxing things. But one thing struck me as I was in the city. Two things, actually. The first was “God, I hope I never accidentally drive into this city centre as it looks nightmarish to drive around”. Picture tiny, narrow, medieval streets. Now picture a fucking great bus going down them. Now picture about 300 cyclists cycling the wrong way down the street. Nice.

That wasn’t the important thing, though. The important thing I thought was “God, this place sure is nicer than Southampton”. I’m not sure if it’s always been that way and I just took it for granted growing up, but it’s a much more attractive city than Southampton. It seems cleaner, less crowded, less infested with chavs and the Starbucks that are there have a much wider selection of cakes and sandwiches. Even the women are hotter; a fact that several other people will happily back me up on.

So perhaps this is the right time to find a new city, and Cambridge should be it. There’s a lot to offer. This job, for a start. Some decent shops. Some nice open spaces. Decent people. Lack of chavs. A river that doesn’t look like a sewage factory, with actual person-propelled boats on it. A sense of history.

Southampton has many of these things, of course. But as I’ve said, the place has lost its sheen somewhat. Sometimes, I guess, you need a change. Particularly when a place that you once called “home” had everything that you once thought made life good stripped away from it. In those circumstances, I’m guessing it’s best to leave the past behind physically as well as mentally.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see how things work out. But today was very positive—that’s all I’m saying for now—and hopefully will lead to great things.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

Oh, and I won a Diplomatic Victory in a game of Civ IV earlier. That’s not relevant to any of the above, but I thought I’d share.

#oneaday, Day 155: Waiting for the Awesome

A thought occurred to me in conversation with a friend today. It concerns the structure of one’s life, and how all our lives seem to be a sequence of “big events” with long stretches of abject tedium and/or unpleasantness in between. Abject tedium sometimes isn’t a bad thing; it helps us appreciate the exciting things in life, after all. But the unpleasantness? That I can live without.

These “big events” are what everything always leads towards. And it’s the waiting for them that gets so damn frustrating. Right now, I confidently predict that my next “big event” will be getting a job. This will be closely followed by moving to somewhere I can actually afford that is near aforementioned job. This will be followed by starting said job. From there? Who knows.

There’s also an alternative route, of course. Fail to get job. Run out of money. Get kicked out of house. Turn to life of crime and eating rats. Die in a gutter outside Greggs after being stabbed for small change by someone with more street smarts.

I’m hoping the “alternative route” won’t happen. But it’s a genuine concern, I won’t lie.

It’s these “big events” that define who we are, though. Whether they’re positive or negative has a huge impact on how we feel. My last “big event” was a very negative one and as such I’m still reeling from the effects now. But I’m hoping that’s a signal that the next “big event” will be a good one. And it will be onwards and upwards from there. It’s not an unreasonable assumption, I don’t think, because when you hit rock bottom there’s not many other places you can go besides upwards. And I have been at least taking positive steps to try and kickstart that motion, even if the whole thing is ultimately completely out of my control and will only happen when the great Playhead of Life flicks over into the next bar. Mixing metaphors, I know. But… oh, just shut up.

Despite not being a religious man (despite my primary school’s best efforts) I actually have quite a belief in the power of “fate”, or “Fate” with a capital F if you really want. Some things are supposed to happen. Other things are not supposed to happen. “Fate” is just the sequence of those “big events” happening one after another, leading to an eventual conclusion somewhere. Sometimes we get to make a decision, and “Fate” takes a different path. But sometimes, more often than not, we have to follow the path that’s been set for us. We’re all playing a game of Heavy Rain, in essence. We may take different paths to get to our destination, and sometimes our paths have different consequences, but there’s no cheating the basic storyline of Fate. There’s a beginning. And there’s an end.

It may be something of a cop-out to attribute all the stuff in between the beginning and the end to Fate. And perhaps it’s not. Perhaps we do have more free will than that. But right now, while sitting here waiting and waiting for something wonderful to happen as a result of all the many, many efforts I’ve made to try and force something wonderful to happen? I’m running out of ideas. So if anyone “upstairs” has a grand plan, would they kindly hurry up and get on with it, please?