Tag: I Have Never

#oneaday Day 545: Tempting Fate

I don’t believe in any particular religion, as I believe most of them are, to paraphrase Eddie Izzard says, philosophies with some good ideas and some fucking batshit crazy ones. As such, I have no interest in some omnipresent, omniscient god figure knowing when I’m sleeping and when I’m awake (unless he’s Santa Claus, in which case he should come on down and bring presents) — but I do have an idle belief in the concept of Fate. That is, the idea that certain things happen for a “reason”, whatever that might be. Said reason might not be anything big or huge — or it may not become clear until much, much later — but there’s usually a reason for the seemingly random shit that goes on.

At least, it’s nice to believe that when everything goes wrong. As I’ve repeatedly mentioned, last year was Bad. Thinking that everything going disastrously wrong and me hitting rock bottom had some sort of Grand Purpose made it mildly easier to deal with.

That said, I’m not sure I believe in Fate quite so much as to think that you can tempt it. Consequently, I present to you a probably-not-comprehensive list of Bad Things That Have Never Happened To Me, and I shall report back next week if any of them Do Happen To Me. (If they don’t, I’ll probably forget this post ever existed.)

  • I have never had an illness so serious it required hospitalisation.
  • Or an operation.
  • I’ve never broken a limb, either. (Though I did sprain my ankle once. That fucking hurt.)
  • As a result, I’ve never been under the influence of anaesthetic, local or general. (Unless I just don’t remember.)
  • I’ve never been in a fight. (Obviously I’m counting from my adult life here, otherwise we’d have to take the time I punched one of the school bullies in the face right in front of the headmaster into account, and as awesome as that was, it clearly doesn’t count.)
  • I’ve never shat myself. (Ditto, only without the bit about the school bully.)
  • Or pissed myself. (As above.)
  • Or been sick into/onto somewhere/someone that it is not appropriate to be sick into/onto. (Dustbins totally count as appropriate vomit receptacles, incidentally.)
  • I’ve never been fired. (I quit the job in which I was suffering workplace bullying before that would have become a possibility.)
  • I’ve never been in a car accident. (There was one time I was in my mum’s car and we bumped into another car head-on (it was their fault, nested brackets ftw) at approximately 15mph, but like the school bully incident, this doesn’t count.)
  • I’ve never been in any kind of transport accident.
  • I’ve never seen a horrifically injured or disfigured person.
  • Or a dead body.
  • I’ve never been injured by another person, deliberately or accidentally.
  • Or killed.
  • And I’ve never killed or injured anyone either, apart from one time I whacked someone in the balls not very hard with a LARPing sword, but he was kind of asking for it, and it was an accident anyway.
  • I’ve never had anything stuck up my arse that wasn’t supposed to be there.
  • I’ve never had a sexual-related injury…
  • …or disease.
  • I’ve never run over a wild animal or bird.
  • Or a child.
  • Or a fully-grown person.
  • I’ve never been a victim of a crime. (I may have had my wallet stolen once, or I may have just left it on the bus. Either way, First Southampton couldn’t find it.)
  • I have never dropped my phone down a toilet. (I dropped a pen down there once, and a flannel, but nothing else.)
  • I have never been abducted by aliens.
  • I have never witnessed a zombie apocalypse.
  • I have never witnessed the end of the world.
  • I have never been struck down by an angry god who is furious at my lack of belief in Him yet strong belief in a concept as amorphous as “Fate”.
  • Okay, we’re getting silly now. Enough. If I’m dead next week, please read out this post at my funeral and add the line “He went up against Fate, and lost,” or something similar. Or just make up something cool and say I said it.

One A Day, Day 37: I Have Never

I realise that this game is more fun when you’re drinking and/or sitting in a darkened room with a number of people you’d like to have sex with, but looking at it on this page will have to do for now. Besides, I’m ill. You wouldn’t want to add alcohol to that mix. Nor, I imagine, would you like to add any kind of sexual intimacy to that mix either, unless you have a snot-and-cough fetish. In which case, seek help.

So, without further ado,

I have never…

  • …seen Citizen Kane.
  • …listened to a Smiths album.
  • …been hospitalised.
  • …(by extension) had an operation.
  • …climbed a rock wall.
  • …been to a “developing” country.
  • …been on Chatroulette.
  • …read Hamlet.
  • …played on a Virtual Boy.
  • …owned a Sega Master System.
  • …owned an NES.
  • …listened to anything by Jay-Z and enjoyed it.
  • …liked a political party enough to vote for them.
  • …shaved my own head.
  • …taken ecstasy (even after, some years back, a drunkard saw how I acted after a few too many vodka and Red Bulls and commented “shit, man, you’d LOVE ecstasy”)
  • …passed out from drinking too much (and have only suffered memory loss once)
  • …written a dissertation (somehow my choice of units at university managed to let me escape that ordeal)
  • …had a full-time job in the publishing industry (though I want one)
  • …had a job where I am in charge of other people (excepting children)
  • …had a job where someone or something hasn’t fucked up the enjoyment of the experience for me at one point or another.
  • …watched a Mad Max movie.
  • …been able to hold any kind of sports-based conversation.
  • …played R-Type.
  • …finished reading my two H.P. Lovecraft Omnibus books (despite starting several times).
  • …read anything by Ayn Rand.
  • …read anything by Nietzsche.
  • …understood anything Freud was on about.
  • …read a copy of Hello! magazine or any of its odious rivals.
  • …opened a copy of Nuts or Zoo magazine.
  • …been on a plane by myself (though this will shortly change)
  • …employed the services of a lawyer.
  • …been in court.
  • …been arrested.
  • …been caught speeding.
  • …had a fight (as an adult, anyway)
  • …seen a human corpse.
  • …understood why “R&B” music is so popular.
  • …listened to an N-Dubz track from start to finish.
  • …taken a photograph of my genitalia.
  • …taken a photograph of my genitalia and sent it to someone.
  • …appeared naked on a webcam.
  • …appeared on a webcam to a complete stranger.
  • …been in a car accident while driving.
  • …been hit by a car.
  • …made a list of all the things I’ve never done before.

I think that’s enough for now. There are plenty of things on that list I can live without ever doing and sleep easy at night. I realise that in writing this, I have probably cursed myself and will undoubtedly suffer all the unpleasant things very shortly (probably being caught speeding, crashing into something, being thrown out of my car, then run over, taken to hospital, operated on, then arrested while the whole thing is watched by a webcam) – so if there’s no more entries after this one, you know what happened.