I shaved all my hair off yesterday. Well, most of it. I took it all down to grade 2. Then I shaved most of the rest of it off today, chopping it right back to a 1. Now I’m pretty much ready to be a space marine.

The reason I did this, and the reason I bought some clippers a while back, is that my hair and I don’t get along. It grows incredibly quickly, has a “sweet spot” which lasts roughly two weeks when hair gel is super-effective and allows me to shape it into something vaguely resembling an actual haircut, and then it gets ridiculously long and/or thick. At this point, I have a difficult decision to make. Do I continue to allow it to grow in the hope that some sort of inspiration will strike me and I’ll be able to pull off long hair? Do I shave it all off? Or do I go to the barbers?

All of these have their flaws. Option 1 never happens, largely because I can’t be bothered to spend hours pratting about with my hair in the morning. Aforementioned “sweet spot” comes when I can run a bit of gel through it, ruffle it up and have a reasonably convincing “spiky” style. Faffing around putting things in the right place though? Blow-drying? Balls to all that.

Option 2 is the easiest option, and now I have my own clippers I can do it. However, I find myself worrying that if I shave all my hair off I’ll look like either an idiot or a cancer patient. And I’ve never quite had the guts to shave it right off, though this time, at a number 1 on my clippers, is the shortest I’ve ever done it.

Option 3 fills me with dread. I don’t know how to talk to barbers, or hairdressers, or whatever they are. I don’t even really know what the difference between barbers and hairdressers is. The repertoire of haircuts I feel comfortable asking for is limited to two (“grade [x] all over” or “grade [x] sides and back, trimmed on top”) and I find myself suffering considerable anxiety when I contemplate asking the barberdresser for advice on what haircuts might suit me. Also, I often baulk at the idea of asking someone who charges £6 to shave my head for advice on what might look good when there are people out there who would happily charge fifty times that to tell me that I really should consider rocking a bedhead emo medium-length swept back twat cut with highlights.

So out come the clippers. Simple. Super-effective. No-nonsense. And the upside of it all is there is a period of several months where I don’t have to do anything at all to my barnet in the mornings save give it a bit of a scrub if necessary. No need for expensive haircare products. No need to spend any time looking in the mirror wondering if I ruffled it up too much and I just look like I haven’t brushed it. It’s just my head with a light Fuzzy Felt coating.

Someone answer a question for me, at least: is it socially acceptable to ask the person who is about to cut your hair what they think you should do with it?