2195: Quest Complete

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We played through the whole Warhammer Quest: The Adventure Card Game campaign today with the full complement of four players, and despite failing the first four quests, we were ultimately victorious, saving our local town-in-peril from a full-on orc invasion.

It’s an interesting game. The first four quests felt very difficult indeed, with our party quickly getting overwhelmed before we were able to complete our objective. On one occasion we got frustratingly close to victory — like, one extra action would have let us win, probably — while on others it very quickly became apparent that we weren’t going to make it out of this particular dungeon in one piece.

What’s interesting is that if you know this is going to happen, you’re not necessarily resigned to playing out the last few turns of your inevitable bloody demises; instead, you can do what you can to minimise the damage you’ll suffer in the subsequent quest. Each quest has both “reward” and “penalty” affects according to whether you succeeded or failed, you see, and these range from adding a “Nemesis” monster into the monster deck for the subsequent quest (a penalty, obviously) to adding one of the four “Legendary Fortune” cards into the Gear deck, allowing the lucky drawer to take and equip one of their three Legendary items.

Where the interesting stuff comes is once a couple of these rewards or penalties have resolved themselves. Since we failed the first few quests, the Nemesis from the previous mission would end up in the next quest’s monster deck, in addition to any Nemeses the quest threw at us. This was obviously a bad position to be in, but there’s a ray of hope for a party in this situation: if you kill a Nemesis added to the monster deck in this way, they are perma-killed and won’t come back again. As such, when it became clear that we weren’t going to successfully complete a quest, we’d simply turn our attention to the Nemeses who were harassing us and take them down so we wouldn’t have to deal with them again in the campaign, and this ultimately worked out pretty well. Facing three or four extra Nemeses in the final quest rather than the one we did successfully deal with would have made a big difference to the eventual outcome of the campaign.

At the moment, we’re not quite sure whether our failures in the first quests were due to our own incompetence (largely due to lack of knowledge of the game) or due to bad luck — or a combination of both. I suspect a bit of both, though it’s not at all unusual for a cooperative game such as this to be tuned to a very high level of difficulty to encourage replayability. I’d be interested to try the campaign again and see if we perform any better — or if the few random, non-fixed elements and dice rolls we had to deal with throughout really were the deciding factor in our success or failure.

Interestingly, Warhammer Quest: The Adventure Card Game also comes with a non-campaign “Delve” quest that is much longer than an individual campaign quest, and provides a condensed form of the campaign’s progression automatically at set intervals through your progress. It sounds like this will be a stiff challenge as well as significantly more randomised than the campaign quests, so it will be fun to give that a go sometime.

All in all, it seems like a great game, and I’d be happy to play it again sometime. A day well-spent, I feel!

2109: Vermintide

My friend Sam and I tried out Warhammer: The End TImes – Vermintide this evening, a game which has been positioned by various people as “Left 4 Dead in the Warhammer universe”. I’m all for that as an idea, so we decided to give it a shot.

Turns out it takes most of its inspiration from its stablemate dungeon crawler board game Warhammer Quest, in that it is ludicrously difficult and very likely indeed to splatter your chosen heroes across the walls in fairly short order. Sam’s tried the first mission on “normal” difficulty six times today, and we couldn’t clear it once, though with two of us actually playing, thereby cutting down on the imbecilic AI, we got further than he was able to solo earlier in the day.

It seems like a good game, though. There’s five different characters to play, each of whom have a different selection of gear to start with, and there’s various bits of loot that you can collect and upgrade as you progress through the game — assuming you can actually clear a mission, of course. Having failed to clear the prologue mission, of course, we didn’t see any of that, but it certainly seems that there should be a bit of variety in there — just the starting gear offers a couple of different ways to play for each class.

I tried out the Witch Hunter and Bright Wizard classes. The former is a plummy-voiced sort of chap with a sword (either one-handed or two-handed, depending on preference) and a pair of flintlock pistols that he fires alternately. The latter is a stern-sounding lady who wields a sword and a staff which can blast out simple fireballs or cast a particular spell.

The Witch Hunter seemed relatively straightforward. The choice of melee weapons gave him two distinct play styles — the one-handed sword allows you to slash quickly, making for a fast-paced experience when wading into melee. The two-handed sword, meanwhile, is much slower but deals much more damage, particularly when its attack is charged up. I’m not quite sure which one I actually preferred, but both were quite fun. The flintlock pistols seemed to be fairly accurate, too, making for satisfying ranged kills, often before the Skaven enemies noticed up.

The Wizard, meanwhile, had some interesting mechanics. Rather than ammunition for her ranged weapon — her staff — she has a little meter depicting how much she’s tapped into the Winds of Magic. Casting spells — either the staff’s basic projectile or the more powerful charged spell — increases this meter, which then gradually declines over time. If this pops over the top, she’ll catch fire and potentially explode, which is not good, but going over a lower mark still causes damage to yourself if you’re not careful. Playing as the Wizard, then, involves taking a bit more care with your shots and spells rather than just spamming fireballs at enemies. She also has the ability to “vent” her excess magic energy with the “reload” button, so during moments of downtime, it’s advisable for her to do this — fling a couple of fireballs, hide, vent, pop out and fling a few more.

As you might expect from the name, Vermintide focuses pretty much exclusively on the ratmen Skaven monsters as enemies, but there’s plenty of variety in there. Basic Skaven will swarm you like the zombies in Left 4 Dead, but there are also specialist monsters that will be familiar to anyone who played Warhammer Fantasy Battle or Advanced Heroquest in particular — there are Poison Globadiers, Warpfire Gunners, Assassins, Gutter Runners and all manner of other horrible bastards just waiting to make your life miserable, and, as in Left 4 Dead, many of them require cooperation to deal with. Packmasters, for example, grab a character with their hooked polearm and drag them away, so another player has to free them before they get “hung” from the polearm, at which point it becomes more time-consuming (and thus dangerous) to free them.

It was surprising quite how difficult the game was, but I’m interested to try it again — hopefully we’ll be able to get a full four-player game going with a couple of other friends this weekend, so it will be interesting to see whether it’s any easier with four human players!

1228: Dungeon Delving

Way back before I started doing this daily blogging shenanigans — yes, there was a time when I was an erratic blogger, just like normal people on the Internet — you may recall that I once gave a harrowing account of the adventures of Count Kurt von Hellstrom and his merry band of warriors, otherwise known as the characters my friends and I rolled to play a campaign of Games Workshop’s tabletop roguelike Warhammer Quest. On the off-chance you haven’t been reading this blog since December 2009, here’s a link for your delectation.

I greatly enjoyed my experiences with Warhammer Quest, though it hasn’t hit the gaming table for a good few years now, which is a shame. It takes quite a long time to set up, you see, and the heavily-random nature of the game’s encounters wasn’t altogether to the taste of a couple of our group; our more recently-acquired Descent: Journeys in the Dark 2nd Edition is scratching the dungeon-crawling itch a bit better for the group as a whole. Despite this, I still consider myself highly privileged to own a copy of this much sought-after collector’s item, and one that is in pretty good (certainly playable) condition, too.

As such, it will probably not surprise you to hear that when Rodeo Games, developer of the excellent Hunters series of XCOM-style turn-based strategy games for iOS devices, was working on a digital adaptation of Games Workshop’s classic, I sat up and paid attention. Hunters and its sequel already played more than a little bit like Games Workshop’s Space Marine-based board games such as Space Hulk and Space Crusade, so I was confident that they were a good team to take on the challenge of porting Warhammer Quest to the small screen.

And you know what? They’ve done a great job. The iOS version of Warhammer Quest, which hit the iOS App Store around midnight last night, is a fantastic adaptation of the board game and its various foibles, tweaked just enough to feel like an original video game rather than a straight-up port of the board game’s mechanics.

The iOS version of Warhammer Quest features a substantial single-player campaign in which the player’s party of heroes moves between various towns in the Warhammer Old World, and takes on quests, as all good heroes should do. Most quests are introduced by some well-written text that gives a good feel of context to the dungeon crawling, and these are supported by various encounters in the dungeons themselves.

The actual dungeon-crawling gameplay is very similar to how the board game works. Characters have a particular move allowance for each turn, and a certain number of ranged and melee attacks available, assuming they have the appropriate weapons equipped to perform these. The wizard character may cast spells on his turn as well as moving and attacking, and all characters may also use items or certain other special abilities as well as moving and attacking.

Fans of the board game will recognise certain specific quirks of the tabletop version — for example, rather than having a set pool of magic to cast spells at will, the wizard character is dependent on the randomly-determined Winds of Magic that change each turn and provide the power required to cast spells. Likewise, the satisfying “Deathblow” rule is in effect, which means any time a character defeats an enemy in a single mighty blow, they can automatically attack any other adjacent enemies and sometimes clear out a room rather quickly.

A few changes have been made, however. The level-up system, which was simply based on the amount of gold acquired in the board game version, takes the form of a more traditional experience point-based system in the iOS version. This works just fine, and a helpful breakdown of who killed what (or healed whom) at the end of a quest helps you easily figure out which of your characters is pulling their weight and which ones need to step up to the plate a bit more readily in the next adventure.

There’s a couple of frustrating bugs present in the current version, which mars the experience a little — firstly, occasionally the game will get “stuck” while resolving an encounter upon entering a new room tile and require a restart to proceed. (Thankfully, the game autosaves regularly, so you’ll be back before the move you made that froze the game.) Secondly, the game’s “hardcore” mode, in which characters can die permanently, doesn’t appear to work correctly at present — I lost a character in an early quest, completed the rest of it and was very surprised to discover them waiting for me back in town when I returned.

The game also falls into the trap of offering obnoxious “Get more Gold” in-app purchases for players too lazy to earn their way to higher-tier equipment. Not only does the ability to purchase in-game currency remove all need to manage your finances carefully — an important part of the game if you’re playing it properly — but it also raises questions over how well-balanced the in-game economy actually is. Is the rate of gold acquisition in the game deliberately slow in order to push players in the direction of the in-app purchases? It’s hard to say at this early stage, but it’s something that will be on the mind of some players.

The game also includes a selection of day-1 DLC — three new characters and a bolt-on series of quests. Normally, I object thunderously to day-1 DLC but when the game itself is just £2.99 it’s hard to get too mad, particularly when each package adds a significant amount of cool stuff to the game and is still pretty cheap even if you buy all of them.

Despite these issues, the iOS version of Warhammer Quest is well worth your time if you’re a dungeon-crawling fan. An update should hopefully fix the bugs described above, and with any luck Rodeo will continue to support the game with new content over time. As it stands, they claim there’s 25-30 hours of single-player content in the game already, which should keep you busy for a while.

Download it here.

#oneaday Day 897: Dungeon Crawling

I’m a big fan of board games, as regular readers will know. And I have fairly diverse tastes, too — I like everything from Eurogames such as Catan to theme-heavy Ameritrash like Last Night on Earth. Exactly what I want to play at any given moment is largely determined by my mood at the time, but I can pretty much always muster up enthusiasm to play a dungeon-crawling game.

I own several dungeon crawlers, but I’m planning on picking up the very interesting-looking Descent: Journeys in the Dark Second Edition when it releases, as it sounds like just the sort of game I want to play. It also sounds like it’s been improved significantly over the original edition, which could take up to 4 or 5 hours to complete a single quest. The new version reportedly keeps play sessions down to much more manageable lengths while incorporating a solid “campaign” system for character advancement and a branching narrative. I’m looking forward to it a lot.

As for the ones I already own, each of them have their pros and cons, and I like them all.

Starting at one end of the spectrum we have Games Workshop’s Dungeonquest, which saw a rerelease by Fantasy Flight Games recently. Dungeonquest is gloriously random and is best left on the shelf if you like to plan out what you’re doing well in advance, because progression is determined largely by the luck of the draw. Consequently, it is a very difficult game to “succeed” in — even the instruction manual helpfully informs you that players have approximately a 34% chance of survival in any given playthrough.

In Dungeonquest, players take it in turns to draw dungeon tiles from a pool in order to build the dungeon as they go. If it’s a corridor, they get to move again. If it’s a room, things happen, determined largely by drawing cards and making skill checks. If it’s a special room, super-special things (usually bad for the player) happen. Many of these things end in instant death for the player, meaning games can be over relatively quickly if you’re unlucky.

The aim of Dungeonquest is to make it to the middle of the board to raid the slumbering dragon’s massive treasure pile, then make it out again before the sun rises — the time limit in question being represented by an ever-advancing “track” at the side of the board. If players don’t get out before sunrise, they die. If they run out of health, they die. If the fall down a bottomless pit, they die. Hilarity (and, usually, frustration) ensues. It’s not a great game, but it is an entertaining one.

Moving up somewhat is MB and Games Workshop’s Hero Quest. This was my introduction to fantasy role-playing when I was a kid, and it still holds a very fond place in my heart to date. It’s an adversarial game where a team of up to four “hero” characters of varying classes take on the forces of darkness, controlled by a single “evil wizard” player. The evil wizard has a book of preset quests with which to challenge the heroes, and following these through in sequence provides a rather loose narrative. The game was later expanded with a number of additional packs that broadened the scope somewhat with new monsters, traps and additional rules to make things more interesting.

Hero Quest is good because it bridges the gap between traditional “family-friendly” board game conventions and the more abstract, strategic nature of role-playing games. It’s accessible enough for pretty much anyone to understand, has high-quality components and a wide variety of things to do — plus is very expandable and customizable.

Advanced Heroquest not only changed the “correct” way to punctuate the phrase “Hero Quest”/”Heroquest” but also revamped the game completely to be significantly closer to a Dungeons & Dragons-style role-playing game. It also incorporated rules for limitless replayability including random dungeon generation, character advancement and a heavy emphasis on customization. While the original Hero Quest released an expansion allowing players to create their own adventures, Advanced Heroquest practically demanded that the Games Master (or “GM” — effectively the “evil wizard” player by another name) come up with some of their own creative, fresh ideas. And it was up to the GM in question how far they wanted to take it — Advanced Heroquest’s rules catered for simple story-free “hack and slash” dungeons as much as elaborate, story-driven scenarios featuring light role-playing. The game even came with full rules for solo play, which was a godsend for me when I was a kid, as short on nearby friends as I was.

Then came Warhammer Quest. This is pretty hard to find now, which explains why I paid nearly £100 for a copy on eBay. Warhammer Quest takes the formula of Advanced Heroquest and shoots off in a different direction rather than necessarily making it more complex. Warhammer Quest has a lot more in the way of random elements, but also features a lot more rules to prevent the game from running away from the players. Where Advanced Heroquest often had dungeons that spiralled off into myriad dead ends, Warhammer Quest’s dungeon generation rules ensure that players move quickly from encounter to encounter on a much more linear path, giving the game a much faster pace. That’s not to say that either approach is “better” as such — Advanced Heroquest had the thrill of exploring the unknown, while Warhammer Quest always had something interesting through the next door — but it marked a significant difference between the two.

Warhammer Quest contains a fairly heavy degree of luck. If you were playing a campaign, after completing a dungeon you then had to roll repeatedly on a table to determine the events that happened during the journey back to town. These frequently got rather ridiculous, as demonstrated abundantly through the adventures of Kurt von Hellstrom and his friends.

Warhammer Quest has one cool thing over its two predecessors, however — it can be played without a GM/evil wizard. The base rules for the game include an artificial intelligence system for the monsters that determine how they move and attack, allowing all the players at the game table to cooperate and take on the dungeons together rather than one being forced to constantly be “the bad guy.” Rules were there to allow the game to be played with a GM, too, but for those craving a purely cooperative experience, Warhammer Quest was a great one.

I don’t get to play these games nearly as often as I’d like to. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get Descent out regularly once I get my hands on a copy — and I’m also pretty curious about the Dungeons & Dragons boardgames, too. Full reports on each and any of those I get the chance to play will, naturally, follow.

The Adventures of Count Kurt von Hellstrom and Company, Part The First

[Note of explanation: I recently acquired a copy of Games Workshop’s classic dungeon-crawler Warhammer Quest, which is notoriously brutal on its players – though not quite so much as their earlier title Dungeonquest. What follows is a report of our first adventure together as a party – myself as the Elf, my friend Sam as the Dwarf, my friend Tom as the Wizard and my friend Tim as the Imperial Noble.]

“You must defeat the demon in the temple before it escapes and wreaks havoc across the land!”

The situation sounded serious. Count Kurt von Hellstrom stroked his beard absently, looking at the writ which had been pushed into his hand some hours earlier. He was expecting some companions to join him, but wasn’t sure what to expect. This was, after all, the first time he’d been out adventuring properly. It was time to see if those years of rapier training and pistol-shooting were good for anything.

An Elf was the first to arrive, hooded and mysterious.

“Hello,” said the Elf bluntly. “You’re Kurt?”

“I am, my good Sir!” said the Count with a flourish. “Count Kurt von Hellstrom, at your service!”

“Good,” said the Elf, then looked around him without another word.

There was an awkward silence. The people of Marienburg went about their business as usual, and here, in this alley behind the Beer and Boar Tavern, the two strangers eyed each other up.

“Might I know your name, my good sir?” asked Kurt finally, twiddling his beard around his fingertip.

“I’d… really rather not,” said the elf.

“Now come, come, sir,” said Kurt with a wry smile. “One should never be embarrassed about one’s heritage.” He flashed a sparkling medallion around his neck. “This has been in my family for generations. It gives me strength.”

The elf sighed and dropped his hood. Beneath it was a mane of long, blond hair.

“All right,” he said. “But if you laugh, I promise I’ll run you through.”

I’d like to see you try, thought Kurt, his hand instinctively moving to his rapier and the muscles in his legs tensing, but then he realised this was probably what passed for elven humour.

“I’ll be careful,” he said with a grin. “Now come on man, spit it out!”

“Tinkleblossom,” the elf replied, grimacing. “Tinkleblossom Feypants.”

There was another awkward silence. This time, the elf was the one to break it.

“I know, right?” he said. “You can just call me ‘elf’ if it’s easier for you to deal with.”

“No, no,” said Kurt. “Tinkleblossom is just fine.”

Tinkleblossom muttered something under his breath and raised his hood again – a clear signal that this conversation was, for now, over.

At that point, there was a raucous shout from around the corner and the sound of clattering metal.

“Ach!” cried a gruff voice. “Ye’d think ye’d never seen a chap who wanted tae defend his family honour before! Well sod ye, buddy!”

Tinkleblossom and Kurt both peered around the corner curiously, only to see a short, stout figure staggering up the alleyway towards them.

“Ach. Just on time. Ye’d be th’ adventurin’ types, aye?”

“Yes,” said Kurt. “I am Kurt von Hellstrom. This is… an elf. Who might you be?”

“Jizzmatron Drizzlecock at yer service, laddie.” He belched thunderously, then hiccuped, sneezed and wiped the snot which had escaped from his nose on the back of his hand. It was lost somewhere in his beard. Kurt grimaced. Tinkleblossom just shrugged and made a noise that sounded distinctly like “Meh.”

“Well, pleased to meet you,” said Kurt, regaining his composure quickly. “I believe we’re expecting one more.”

A booming voice echoed around the alleyway and smoke appeared as if from nowhere.

“That would be me!” thundered the voice, though there was apparently no-one else in the alley save the strange, wispy smoke. Suddenly, in a flash of light, another figure appeared and the smoke was gone.

“I’m Marlon,” said a somewhat less thunderous voice which came from an old-looking man with a lengthy white beard. “Scholar of magic. I believe you were looking for someone with my talents.”

“Aye,” said Kurt, smiling. “That I was. Now that we’re all here, I believe you should all take a look at this.” He brandished the writ.

“Ach,” grunted Jizzmatron. “Readin’s fer sissies. Just give us th’ short version, laddie.”

“Oh,” said Kurt, then shrugged. “All right then. Demon. Sealed in dragon statue. Deep in a dungeon. Protective magics weakening. Destroy it or die.”

“Aye! Now that sounds like some fun!” cried Jizzmatron.

Tinkleblossom glowered at the writ for a moment before handing it back to Kurt.

“We should get moving,” Kurt said. “It’s quite a trek.”

Four weeks passed as the adventurers picked their way to the abandoned Dwarven temple. It was an uneventful journey – led there by a local who knew the land well, the journey passed without incident. It was when the party descended the steps into the darkness that things began to get a little less straightforward.

“This is as far as I go. Oh, and you’ll need these,” said their guide, tossing a bundle of four dully-glowing swords to the floor. “They should make short shrift of that demon. Apparently. I don’t know. Good luck.”

The guide tossed his torch onto the cold flagstones at the bottom of the stairs and left the bewildered-looking party to their fate.

“So, err,” began Jizzmatron. “What now?”

“We explore, of course!” cried Kurt. “Riches await!” He pulled out a lantern from his pack and lit it.

“You’ve got the light,” said Tinkleblossom. “That means you get to go up front.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way!” said Kurt, spinning around to face the corridor into the blackness with an overdramatic flourish. He was about to step forward, when Marlon spoke up.

“Wait,” he said. “I feel the winds of magic. I should draw upon their power in case we need some… firepower.”

Marlon closed his eyes and grimaced. Jizzmatron stifled a snigger and whispered “He looks like ‘e’s shittin’ ‘imself!” to Tinkleblossom. The elf ignored him.

As suddenly as he had closed them, Marlon opened his eyes again and looked at Kurt. He looked a little concerned.

“Um,” he said. “I have a bad feeling.”

“What do you mean, a bad fe-”

At that moment, a stone block started sliding across the archway at the bottom of the stairs. Tinkleblossom and Kurt both lunged for it to try and brace it with something, but it was too late. Now they were trapped.

“Oh well,” said Kurt, unconcerned. “I’m sure there’ll be another way out.”

“Ye don’t know Dwarven construction, clearly, lad,” muttered Jizzmatron, but it was true – there wasn’t much option for the adventurers but to go onward.

“Let’s investigate this room a little,” said Kurt, holding up the lantern. “It’s… oh my.”

As the adventurers’ eyes slowly became accustomed to the gloom, they saw by the dim light of the lantern that the walls of this first chamber were lined with chests, suits of armour and piles of gems.

“We’ve hit gold!” yelled Jizzmatron. “Treasure!”

“Be careful,” said Tinkleblossom quietly. “It could be a-”

Sure enough, it was. Just as the dwarf was about to reach for the nearest pile of gold, there was a scuttling sound and suddenly a huge number of giant spiders dropped from the ceiling. The adventurers gave a shout as one, but they were too late to react and were soon engulfed in sticky webbing. Tinkleblossom, Marlon and Kurt managed to break free but Jizzmatron remained stuck. The others drew their swords and made short work of the spiders just as the dwarf managed to extricate himself from the sticky threads that bound him.

“Ach,” he spat. “Ye could have saved me one.”

“I’m sure there’ll be more,” muttered Tinkleblossom, wiping spider ichor from his blade and replacing it in his scabbard. “For now, we should search this room and see if there is anything useful.”

Ten minutes later, the adventurers stood up, covered with dust and a few last sticky bits of webbing.

“This ain’t no soddin’ treasure!” bellowed Jizzmatron. “It’s all fake!”

“What did you expect?” said Kurt. “Would you store your riches just inside the entrance?”

“Well, lad, ye coulda said somethin’ sooner if ye thought that!”

Kurt twiddled his beard a moment, then looked at the dwarf with a smile.

“Well,” he said, “There might have been something!”

Tinkleblossom sighed.

“Let’s move on,” said Kurt, brushing himself off and gesturing to the archway which was now visible.

The adventurers made their way onward into the darkness, slowly and carefully. Just as they were about to step through the archway, though, there was a gibbering sound and some knee-high green things skittered out of the inky blackness.

“Snotlings!” yelled Tinkleblossom, drawing his sword again. “This should be easy.”

Sure enough, the adventurers made short work of the greenskins thanks to some fancy swordplay from Kurt and some lightning magic from Marlon.

“Now,” said Marlon, “May we please move on?”

The adventurers stepped forward. Beyond the archway, the corridor they were in continued into darkness.

“What’s that sound?” asked Kurt, holding up the lantern. “Uhoh.”

There were tiny holes lining the walls of the corridor, and a soft swishing sound was slowly getting louder, until sand started seeping out and over the floor. It kept coming until it covered the floor. The section of corridor was completely covered with undulating sand. Jizzmatron slipped over and landed flat on his face just as a low gurgle announced the arrival of more guards – this time, orcs. The battle was made much more difficult by the undulating, shifting sands of the floor, with Jizzmatron and Tinkleblossom spending much of the fight face-down on the floor cursing and, on one occasion, at the bottom of a spike-filled pit which had managed to conceal itself beneath the sands.

The orcs were soon joined by some goblin spearmen – practically as soon as the first wave was dispatched, Marlon gave another “Uhoh” and the creatures leapt out from whatever shadows they were hiding in. Eventually, the party picked their way carefully away from the shifting sands, with Tinkleblossom dragging himself along the floor to get the last few feet, the number of times he had fallen over not doing wonders for his temper.

The corridor continued further and curved around to the left. With a roar, yet another band of orcs burst out of the shadows and attacked the party, this time accompanied by a small group of archers. One of them knocked Kurt to the floor, causing the rest of the party some concern, but Kurt managed to knock back a swig of a strange blue potion he’d found on the body of one of the goblins before he passed out. He immediately started to feel better – even more so once Marlon muttered an incantation and a strange green light enveloped him, knitting his wounds together and rejuvenating him.

“Aha!” cried Kurt. “A second wind! Take this!”

Kurt leapt to his feet, jumped back, drew his dueling pistol and fired a shot at a nearby orc, hitting it square between the eyes. Spurred on by the rejuvenation of their companion, the others made short work of the remaining greenskins and looked around the room.

“Do ye smell something?” asked Jizzmatron. “And it ain’t me farts. Not this time.”

“Mm,” said Tinkleblossom. “Sulphur. Certainly smells like them.”

“Was that a joke from ye, elf? Ah didnae expect that outta you.”

“I’m full of surprises,” muttered the elf. “This way.”

Tinkleblossom led the party through another archway where the corridor split in half.

“Which way?” said Kurt. Jizzmatron sniffed the air, and pointed to the left branch of the passageway.

Sure enough, the corridor opened out into a huge chamber filled with a dull red light that was coming from a huge crack in the floor. At the far end of the chamber was an enormous statue of a dragon. It wasn’t moving, but it almost seemed to be watching the warriors as they peered into the room.

Then, there was a roar, and a wall burst open. A huge brown shape charged into the room accompanied by a horde of greenskins.

“Minotaur!” yelled Jizzmatron. “Get back!”

The party steeled itself for what was likely to be a tough battle. Jizzmatron flung himself into the fray with aplomb, taking down orc after orc with his great axe. Tinkleblossom stood back and fired arrows into the fray accurately and carefully, eventually felling the minotaur with a lucky shot between the eyes. Marlon muttered incantations and lightning flashed through the air, striking orcs down left, right and centre.

Eventually, the bodies piled up and the warriors were victorious. But there was one thing left to do – and it was on the other side of a rickety-looking rope bridge.

Jizzmatron bravely volunteered to go first and stepped carefully onto the bridge. It wobbled under the weight of him and his equipment, but it held firm and he made it across, only to be face-to-face with the dragon statue. He drew the faintly-glowing sword that the guide had left the party with at the entrance of the dungeon and squared up to the statue.

“Make that hit count!” cried Kurt. “People are depending on-”

Jizzmatron didn’t need telling twice. He swung the sword in a wide arc at the statue’s head. The sword shattered, but not before the blade had struck true. There was a loud rumble and the whole room shook, but then the statue broke into pieces. Flames blew across the room, lighting a tapestry on fire and allowing the heroes an escape route. They ran through the dark tunnels as the rumbling grew louder and louder and escaped just as the “back entrance” to the dungeon collapsed behind them.

But now where were they? The landscape was unfamiliar. Kurt pulled out a pocket compass and pointed.

“That way,” he said. “If my calculations are correct, that way should get us back to civilisation.”

“Ach, let’s hope they are,” said Jizzmatron.

A week later, the adventurers were lost. Eventually, they came to a small village that wasn’t on their map and stopped for the night, deciding to continue on their way in the morning.

It wasn’t an easy journey. Marlon got struck by lightning on top of a mountain, meaning he spent the remainder of the journey naked, which certainly got him some funny looks from passing travellers. Tinkleblossom got swept off a cliff by a tornado and broke both his legs, but survived. Jizzmatron broke his ankle. And they got lost not once, but twice more.

Eventually, they made it back to a populous-looking town, with a wandering minstrel that they’d picked up along the way in tow. The guards were unimpressed with the minstrel’s performance at the gates, but they allowed the ragtag band of adventurers in to the town. Before they sorted out accommodations, they decided to fix the various problems that they had encountered on the journey, fixing Tinkleblossom’s broken legs, Jizzmatron’s broken ankle and Marlon’s singed robes. This ate into a considerable portion of the profits from their adventure, but by the time all was as it should be, the adventurers realised that they had enough to pay for some training.

Marlon, Jizzmatron and Kurt locked themselves away in the training camp for a week while Tinkleblossom went into the wilderness to be amongst nature for a while. Not one of them could possibly imagine where their adventures would take them next…

[So there you have it. A lengthy description of our first game of Warhammer Quest. All of the above events were randomly generated – as if that wasn’t already obvious! But the real strength of the game is that it keeps up its “theme” and “feeling” throughout. Two of the three people I was playing with aren’t big roleplayers, but the disaster-after-disaster thing that went on in the dungeon and on the subsequent journey home made it feel like the whole expedition had a real “story”, however nonsensical.]