Today’s topic comes to you courtesy of GamesBeat, GameStuff and the Exploding Barrel Podcast’s Mike Minotti, one of the finest gentlemen I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting and one of the biggest fans of Tales of Game’s Presents Chef Boyardee’s Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, Chapter One of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa I know.

Today I am going to talk about Coke Zero. I have not drunk Coke Zero for at least a year now, because the last time I drank it it tasted like ass. Not literally like ass, obviously — not that I actually really know what ass tastes like — but like shit. Not actual shit, but… oh, you get the idea. It didn’t taste good.

Or at least, it didn’t taste good after you drank it. Specifically, it had this weird sort of aftertaste thing going on that made your mouth feel all fuzzy and weird afterwards. While you were actually drinking it — particularly if it was nice and cold and in a can — it tasted surprisingly like Coke. And considerably more like Coke than Diet Coke, which doesn’t taste like Coke at all. Diet Coke also tastes like ass. But a different kind of ass. The kind of ass that hits you up front with its flavour rather than lingering somewhere around the roof of your mouth making you wonder at what point during the day a leprosy-ridden hobo with an upset stomach farted directly into your oral cavity and you immediately forgot about it. You know, the sort of ass that the Coke Zero of two years ago tastes like.

As I say, though, I haven’t had a Coke Zero for a very long time so any accusations of it tasting like ass may, in fact, be completely unjustified at this point in time, and thus I apologise to any dedicated Coke Zero drinkers (such as Mr Mike Minotti) who may take offense to my remarks. Mr Mike Minotti does raise a good point with regard to Coke Zero, though — given that it has no sugar and is supposedly zero calories because it’s made of antimatter or something, why didn’t it just replace Diet Coke? Were the Coke overlords somehow afraid that the people who inexplicably liked the taste and tooth enamel-stripping properties of Diet Coke would rise up against them and usher in some sort of new world order of black-brown fizzy liquid?

Actually, they probably were, huh. That’s probably why Coke Zero is a thing. It’s a thing for people who like Coke more than people who like Diet Coke like Coke, and for people who like Coke more than Diet Coke, but also people who don’t like the amount of calories and sugariffic goodness that Coke has in it. Coke for people in denial, if you will. Compromise Coke. The Khitomer Accords of Coke, allowing people who like Coke and people who point disapprovingly at people who like Coke to live in harmony with one another. Peace and tranquility.

Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad, really. Now I’m thirsty…