This is an exaggeration, of course. A lot of things are made to be shared. A meal for two. Sexual intercourse. That fart that made you chuckle for a good thirty minutes because it smelled like what you imagine a can of processed vegetables that’s been left open for a month stinks like.

Still, there are a number of things which are supposedly inherently social activities which are actually improved severaltimes-fold by the complete and total absence of other people. And yet the peculiarness that is “social convention” precludes people from ever considering taking part in these activities without other people present at times.

Since we’re on the subject, let’s consider the cinema. The cinema is a place with lots of seats where lots of people can sit together and all watch the same movie. A movie is an audio-visual form of entertainment where it is necessary to both watch and listen in order to understand what is going on. Ergo (yeah, I said “ergo”) it is natural to assume that you would want to give this your full attention. So why did you bring these people with you?

The Giggler

The Giggler sits and watches the movie and laughs obnoxiously loudly at everything. Not just the deliberately funny bits. But the bits they find amusing, too. The trouble with The Giggler is that they find everything funny. From the fact that the lead character has a zit on his nose to the cheesy line that the love interest spouts, everything provokes a snort, snicker, giggle or guffaw.

You’re watching the climax of the movie (“climax”, incidentally, being a word that would cause The Giggler to collapse and possibly explode) and it’s clear that it’s a powerful, dramatic moment. However, The Giggler has decided that this moment is actually the funniest thing they have ever seen, and they proceed to ruin the dramatic tension for themselves, you and everyone around them by chortling away to themselves.

Net result: You, and most other people in the cinema, want to punch them in the face by the time you leave.

The Joker

Ally to The Giggler, The Joker has a sly comment to make about every single scene in the movie, which normally sets The Giggler off into one of their famous Fits of The Giggles. The Joker knows the perfect moment in which to say something completely inappropriate which ruins the whole movie for themselves and everyone around them. Fortuitously, The Joker usually has the good sense to say these things quietly so that only they and their immediate group of companions can hear them.

But when a planet is about to explode on screen, there’s a moment of silence and The Joker leans over and whispers “Cock!” in your ear, there’s no way you can recover from that.

The Farter

The Farter is a subdivision of The Joker. The Farter also does things inappropriately at just the wrong moment. But you can imagine what it is they do instead of cracking jokes.

The Texter

The Texter can’t keep their hands off their mobile phone for the duration of the movie, despite those stern warnings and irritating Orange adverts before it starts. The Texter inevitably has poor low-light vision, too, so insists on having their phone set to full brightness for while they are sending messages to all their friends who are not you.

The One Who Doesn’t Get It

The One Who Doesn’t Get It is fairly self-explanatory. Stereotypically, The One Who Doesn’t Get It is a girl who has been dragged along to a sci-fi movie by her boyfriend, but it’s by no means limited to the female of the species.

The One Who Doesn’t Get It is trying very hard to like the movie but just doesn’t understand it. Perhaps it’s a movie based on a TV show or comic series that they don’t have any context for. Perhaps they went to the toilet when a critical plot point happened. Perhaps they’re used to stories with all the depth of a puddle. Or perhaps they’re just a bit slow.

Regardless of the reason, The One Who Doesn’t Get It very much wants to Get It. So they ask lots of questions of the person who appears to Get It the most. Which is probably you.

The Rustler

The Rustler is, at their core, a kind-hearted soul. That’s why they stocked up on drinks and snacks in the foyer. They’re more than happy to share their tasty treats with you. Unfortunately, the tasty treats that they purchased come in the noisiest bag imaginable. And not only that, the sweets in the bag are all individually wrapped, too, meaning that not only do you have to rustle the bag if you want a sweet (which you do, because they’re delicious and exactly what you want right now) you then have to spent a few minutes rustling the paper of the sweet in order to get at the delicious goodness within. And once you’ve had one, you want more.

In this way, The Rustler has managed to escape blame for themselves alone. By sharing the goodies with others, it’s not just their fault.

The One Who’s Seen The Movie Before

The One Who’s Seen The Movie Before is, in many ways, the most dangerous of all. Because The Giggler, The Joker, The Farter, The Texter, The One Who Doesn’t Get It and The Rustler can all be ignored or told to shut up. The One Who’s Seen The Movie Before can do their damage and make it irreversible before you know what’s happening.

All it takes is a simple “Oh wow! This is the twist coming up!” to ruin any sense of dramatic tension. The One Who’s Seen The Movie Before assumes that everyone else has also Seen The Movie Before and as such doesn’t mind dishing out a few spoilers both before and during the movie. And because they’re your friend, you don’t want to punch them in the testicles for doing so. But inside, your mind is beating them senseless about the face and neck.

The Other Moviegoers

This doesn’t even take into account the other people in the cinema. There’s The Very Tall Man, who inevitably sits right in front of you, even when the rest of the cinema is empty. There are The Annoying Children, who are usually other people’s The Jokers and The Gigglers. There are The Weak Bladders, who get up every five minutes to go and have a piss, and inevitably sit on your row, requiring you to stand up to let them out. And numerous others. These can be dealt with by simply not sitting near anyone else, ever.

So stay safe. Just go by yourself. Unless you’re with a significant other and you really don’t care about the movie and just want to make out in the back row. But, you know, you can achieve much the same effect by simply turning off the lights in your living room, and it won’t cost you seven quid.

In other news, I went to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World today. By myself. And it was awesome.