So the BAFTA Video Games Awards happened. Last night, in fact. And while the nominations were fairly predictable, there was a relatively pleasing spread of different titles that actually won. In fact, I did a lovely writeup over at GamePro that you should probably go read.
But enough of that. Those awards are all very conventional. So I thought I’d come up with some of my own. Without further ado, I present the Alternative Video Game BAFTAs.
Most Opportunities To Go To The Toilet In A Video Game
Winner: Heavy Rain, where despite the fact there is no logical reason for you to make your characters go to the toilet, you find yourself doing so anyway.
Honourable mention: The Sims 3, which only didn’t win because it didn’t come out in 2010, unless you count the console version, which I don’t, except when putting it in as an Honourable Mention.
Game No-One Had Heard Of When I Played But Now Most People Have Heard Of
Winner: Recettear: An Item Shop’s Tale, one of the most charming games I played last year, promptly got very excited about and some months later everyone else seemed to discover.
Game That Has Been On My Shelf The Longest, Unopened
Winner: Resident Evil 4 on PlayStation 2, which I’m not sure counts any more because I started playing it last night.
Former Winner: Final Fantasy XII.
The “MMO That Isn’t Boring” Award
Winner: DC Universe Online, which I am aware came out in January of this year, not last year, but these are my awards, so my rules.
Game Most Likely To Make You Feel Uncomfortable If Someone Walks In On You Playing It
Winner: Deathsmiles, for reasons that are well-documented.
Runner-Up: Recettear: An Item Shop’s Tale. “That looks shit and cheesy and their voices are really annoying and my God that music!” “No, but it’s really funny! Seriously!” “Shut up. I’m going to go and play Starcraft.”
Honourable Mention: Dead or Alive Xtreme 2, the most summery game in the Universe. I know it didn’t come out last year, but I still play it in the summertime because it’s like being on holiday with improbably-proportioned women who like jetskiing. I have an Achievement and everything.
Sadomasochism Award
Winner: Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance, a game which enjoys kicking you in the balls so much that it’s enough to put most people off within a matter of minutes. I, on the other hand, have sunk over 20 hours into it and have just started playing it again.
The “I Love You But You Make Me Angry” Award
Winner: Mass Effect 2, for being a magnificent game that I finished before all the DLC came out and considered going back to just to play the extra stuff but then decided to wait for the “definitive” PS3 version, which then has some extra DLC announced for it, too. STOP IT. STOP MAKING THAT GAME. YOU FINISHED IT. MAKE THE SEQUEL. AND DON’T FUCK IT UP OR RUSH IT OR POST REVIEWS FOR IT ON METACRITIC.
The Game I Keep Forgetting Exists But Is Actually Really Good
Winner: Frozen Synapse, a wonderfully inventive take on the competitive shooter that is turn-based and play-by-email. And awesome.
The Game I Got Best At While I Was Really Totally Off My Face On Expensive Cider
Winner: Joe Danger, a game which my friend Sam and I started playing early in the evening, got drunk and accidentally played for over 3 hours. Highlight of the night was when I discovered how to get massive scores while Sam was in the toilet, meaning that when he came back my average score was roughly 1,000 times more than when he left.
Best Game
Winner: Deadly Premonition. No further explanation required.
Best Video Game Podcast
Winner: The Squadron of Shame SquadCast. Of course.
The Alternative BAFTA Fellowship
Winner: @SpaceDrakeCF from Carpe Fulgur for the magnificent localisation job on Recettear. We’re talking a translation of Phoenix Wright quality here. Not only that, but he was consistently entertaining to follow during GDC and provided some excellent “liveblogs” of the sessions he attended.