2132: Calling

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How do you find your “calling”? In other words, how do you figure out what it is you’re “supposed” to be doing; the thing you’re good at?

I’m still not convinced I’ve figured it out myself, but I’ve been pondering it somewhat recently.

At one point, I thought teaching might be my calling, but the reality of the situation set in quite soon after I started my training; in retrospect, I’m pleased with myself that I managed to survive as long as I did, but annoyed that I wasted several years of my life and possibly left myself with some irreparable mental scars in the process.

At another point, I thought games journalism might be my calling, but going by the state of the modern games press and its contemptuous attitude towards both its audience and the things it covers, it’s pretty apparent that I’m not particularly welcome in that field, despite it being one of my biggest ambitions when I was a bit younger.

Most recently, I’ve been working retail for the second time in my life, and I’ve been surprised how much I’ve been enjoying it. This week we’ve been setting up a brand new store, and I’m absolutely exhausted as a result of the long hours everyone on the team has been working, but it’s extremely satisfying. And when I was in the existing store serving customers, it’s been extremely satisfying to help people out, advise them or simply hand them a hotly anticipated product ready for them to go home and enjoy.

I shouldn’t be that surprised, of course; the last time I worked retail, I enjoyed it a lot, too, though I attributed this to the corporate culture of the company I was working for at the time. My positive feelings towards said company — or, rather, the management team of the store I worked at — dissipated after both a colleague and I were treated rather badly, but I still look back on the majority of my time at that store with fondness.

The fact that I’m enjoying it just as much in a company with a somewhat more laid-back attitude — for the most part, anyway — suggests that it might be the work itself that I’m finding fulfilling. And indeed there are plenty of individual elements that I find oddly satisfying: things as simple as sorting out shelves and alphabetising discs, or as complex as talking an inexperienced customer through the various product lines available. It all adds up to something that I rather enjoy on the whole, with the only really sucky part of the whole thing being that retail, on average, wherever you go, tends to pay pretty poorly, creating a business sector where many employees are overworked, underpaid and underappreciated.

Still, at this stage, having suffered through a number of jobs that clearly weren’t right for me, I’m more than willing to suck up a considerable cut in my overall pay in exchange for something that I seem to enjoy and be reasonably good at. Long may these feelings continue.

2110: Stacking

I’ve been back in the retail sector for a little while now — part time, temporary, but still in there — and it occurs to me that, despite the pay being low, I actually don’t hate it. I even quite like it, I hesitate to say.

This is not entirely what I had in mind when pondering my career choices towards the end of secondary school. This is not what I had in mind when it looked like I was starting to build a career in the games press. This is not what I had in mind when I obtained a teaching qualification. But, well, it’s where I am now — and it seems to be “working” for me pretty much as well as anything I’ve done before, perhaps even better.

You may consider this to not be particularly ambitious, and I’d probably agree with you there; I’ve been conscious over the last few years of the fact that I’m simply not very ambitious when it comes to career prospects. All I really want is to be comfortable rather than rich, and I value the situation where I can completely “switch off” from work at the end of a day and just enjoy my evenings and weekends.

The other thing which occurs to me is that retail seems to provide an environment that meshes well with whatever it is that makes my brain work the way it does. I didn’t cope well with the traditional office environment, for example, because I couldn’t deal with all the gossiping, backstabbing, politics and outright lying that went on every day. It didn’t help, of course, that I was forced out of the job in question as a result of my immediate superiors not understanding what depression is or how to help someone with it. But then I hated that stupid, shitty, pointless job with all its stupid, shitty, pointless policies and procedures anyway, so despite getting the boot from it costing me a reasonably healthy salary, I’m not sorry I don’t work there any more; I’m just sorry that the circumstances under which I left it occasionally leave me with horribly unpleasant “flashbacks” when I’m trying to get to sleep.

But I shouldn’t dwell on the past too much; as I say, retail seems to provide an environment that meshes well with me. And I’ve been thinking about why that is: it’s to do with always knowing what I should be doing. because the things that there are to do are always obvious. Gap in a shelf? Fill it. Customer at a till? Serve them. Customer with a question? Answer it. Back counter messy? Tidy it. There’s always something to do, which takes care of what was my biggest frustration with the aforementioned office job: the fact that there sometimes simply wasn’t anything to get on with. (And boy, they didn’t like that being pointed out to them.)

I make mistakes, sure, because I’m still learning how things are done at my current job, but I pick things up quickly and I seem to have been making a good impression so far. It’s tiring, too, but coming off a shift feeling knackered makes me feel like I’ve done something worthwhile rather than sitting on my arse all day — plus it’s a kind of “exercise” that I can do without thinking about it.

So while it may not be particularly ambitious to say so, so long as I can keep bringing in some pennies each month with a combination of retail and the freelance writing work I’m doing on a regular basis (not for any websites or magazines, I’m afraid, so you can’t “see” it anywhere) I think I can probably muddle through like this for the immediate future. I hope so, anyway; I just want to be able to relax and just get on with life rather than wondering what amorphous, unclear, foggy target I should be aiming in the general direction of next. I just want to live, y’know?

#oneaday Day 701: Deadline

First up, a shoutout to Mados’ excellent post on Telephobia, which makes use of one of my cartoons as well as quoting me, making me look wittier than I remember being about that particular affliction. Thanks, Mados.

Now, onto today’s discussion

At what age are you supposed to have “it” all figured out? And by that I mean be doing what you’re “supposed” to be doing, looking toward the future rather than dealing with the immediate present and being in a position to buy super-expensive things like cars and houses. Is 30 a reasonable deadline? Because if so, I don’t think I’m anywhere near.

Since leaving university, I’ve had a number of different jobs. I’ve been a teacher in both primary and secondary education. I’ve been a freelance writer. I’ve been a shop-floor salesperson. I’ve been an in-store personal tech trainer. I’ve been a regular long-term contractor for a video games website. This isn’t even considering jobs I had while at university, which included mopping up sick, collecting glasses and making a badass prawn cocktail.

The thing, though, is that I don’t feel like I’ve made a lot of “progress” along the way. The only position in which I’ve had what you might describe as a “promotion” was when I went from being a shop-floor sales person to an in-store personal tech trainer, and that was more a change of role (or, more specifically, the formalisation of something I was already doing anyway) than a “promotion” per se. That particular job was the one I held the longest, staying there for around about two and a half years. Other jobs I’ve move on from in a year or less, leaving no time to be promoted. And others still I’ve left simply because there wasn’t a job there for me any more — this happened with my first teaching post thanks to the school being half a million quid in the red, and more recently with the sudden and sad closure of GamePro.

It’s worrying me a bit, to be honest. I know plenty of people who found themselves jobs after university and have been steadily working their way up through the ranks ever since. They seem quite happy with what they’re doing, even though it’s not in the slightest bit related to their degree, and generally just seem to be far more “sorted” than I feel.

Now, granted, I don’t live inside their heads and thus can’t say for sure what they think about their whole situation. It’s entirely possible, of course, that they feel that the job they’ve been making such good progress in is actually a dead end, and long to break free and do something they really want to do.

Thing is, the whole “follow your dreams” thing is sort of what I’ve been doing, only the trouble with dreams is they have a habit of not living up to what you expect — largely because, being dreams, you tend to ascribe somewhat unrealistic expectations to them. And after the fact you’re just left feeling slightly bewildered and disillusioned by the whole experience.

I don’t have a solution for myself. From January, I have some work that I’ll enjoy, though I’ll need more to be able to live comfortably. I do also have an interview for something lined up in January, too, which would, to be honest, solve a lot of problems if I do manage to get, even if it’s arguably something of a step backwards in terms of salary and whatnot.

Fingers crossed, I guess. And if not… err, is anyone reading this looking for someone to write the news on their website? And pay?